Can I At Least Finish My Pizza?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterville, Maine, where bozo Eric Lucas had a plan to spend the night in a fitness center. Things went well initially, he entered the club just before closing time and said he needed to use the bathroom. He then hid when the employees looked for him before locking up for the night. After they left, he made himself at home, stripping down to his shorts, stuffing an iPad into his backpack and amusing himself by looking through some paperwork at the first desk. Then, he decided to call Dominos and order himself a pizza, and sending several to the police department as well. So far, so good, that is until motion sensors inside the club started sending alarms to the cops. When the police arrived, our bozo tried to pass himself off as the security guard. No dice. He’s under arrest.

It’s Not Nice To Try To Fool Grandma!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Muscle Shoals, Alabama, where bozo Preston Davis was in need of some cash. So he did what many 24-year-olds would do. He asked Grandma. It was how he went about it that got him into trouble. Instead of just calling and asking, he set up an elaborate scheme. He sent photos to his grandmother showing injuries that he said had been inflicted on him by kidnappers. He then told her that they wanted $1000 for his “safe return.” Granny wasn’t so easily fooled and called the cops instead of reaching for her purse. Noticing there was no sign of the “kidnappers” in the video, police officers did some investigating and tracked down our bozo, determining the whole thing was a hoax. He’s charged with first degree extortion.

Didn’t Know Dennis the Menace Reruns Aired in China

Our bozo for today from the International File in Shanghai, China, is a classic case of high tech versus low tech. Low tech won, but the victory was short lived. Our bozo was frustrated when he waited for what he thought was an excessively long time at a red light. So, he reached into his hip pocket, pulled out his trusty sling shot and shattered the CCTV camera monitoring the intersection. It was a direct hit and the camera lens was shattered, but not before a good image of his car and license plate was captured. Oops. He’s under arrest.

And He Wanted 72 Months No Interest, Too

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Jacksonville, Florida. Employees at the local Toyota dealership have no doubt seen some strange customers over the years but today’s bozo moves to the top of the list. Our bozo walked in and said he was “Satan sent by Jesus”, said he had a gun and demanded a new car. Following proper procedure, the salesperson told the prince of darkness he would have to go talk to his manager. Instead, employees locked themselves and a back room and called the cops. Our bozo was taken into custody but not before he said, “Go ahead and take me, God will bail me out.”

Enroll These Guys In a Vocational Agriculture Class, Quick!

Our bozo for today comes from Suffield Connecticut, where a pair of cows escaped from their pen and caused a disturbance. After initially being able to apprehend the bovines, the cops issued a Facebook warning. They told residents not to open their doors to any “unfamiliar cattle.” They went on to say that two “suspicious males” were going door to door “trying to sell dairy products.” Um…officers…these are cows, not bulls. Regardless of the gender mixup, the cows were rounded up without further incident.

And He Sent the Hit Man a Text Asking For His Job Back

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in this one from Seattle, Washington, where a keystroke error may have saved a couple of lives. While we’re not sure exactly how serious he was, it would appear our bozo was at least in discussions with a hit man to kill his wife and daughter. He went so far as to send a text to the hit man to try to make the deal. Unfortunately, instead of sending to the hit man, he sent the text to his former boss. Oops. His ex-employer immediately called the cops and our bozo was quickly placed under arrest.

Bullwinkle Would Be Proud

Bozo criminal for today from Meridian,Idaho, forgot Bozo Rule Number 220928: During home break-ins, take along some Squirrel-Away just in case. The homeowner returned to his residence, noticed evidence of a break-in and called the cops. Investigating officers arrived and immediately observed the homeowner’s pet squirrel, who had the run of the house, was in an agitated state. The cops found footprints in the snow outside the house and were able to track down the alleged burglar. During questioning, the officer spotted numerous scratches on our bozo’s arm and the explanation of them sealed his fate. He told the cop, “Damn squirrel kept attacking me and wouldn’t stop until I left.” Busted!

Soup’s On!

Bozo criminal for today come from Garland, Utah, where our unidentified bozo was passing through when he became certain that someone was following him. So, the logical thing to do is call the cops to report it, right? Well, maybe not. The cops arrived and, after noticing our bozo acting rather strangely, they asked to search his vehicle. Inside, they found 36 jars of Knorr brand soup. But there was no soup inside. Instead the jars were filled with methamphetamine. More than $500,000 worth of meth. He’s busted!

Well, They Had Been Up Late the Night Before Investigating Problems in Bars

Our bozos for today come from the seldom used International File, Government Servants Division in Xiangyang, China. There has been extensive press coverage there in recent days detailing problems with elected officials, including dereliction of duty, corruption and extravagance. The problems were serious enough that some of the officials in question were required to attend a meeting on how to motivate lazy bureaucrats. While attending the meeting, several of the officials were photographed sleeping through the whole session. Oops. They’re busted! They have to make a public apology and write a letter of self-criticism. That should solve the problem

Wanna Go To McDonalds? Yep, But I Don’t Want To Leave the Couch

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Miramichi, New Brunswick, Canada, where a late night trip to McDonalds seemed like a good idea. It was their mode of transportation that got them into trouble. For reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, our bozos decided to use a rope to attach their couch to an ATV. They then climbed aboard the couch while their accomplice drove the ATV down city streets and through the McDonalds drive-thru. The cops were called, the ATV driver turned chicken and detached the couch and fled on the ATV, leaving his friends behind on the couch. The cops didn’t see the humor in the situation. Our couch-riders were arrested and charged with public intoxication.

Step One: Learn How To Spell Her Name

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from St. Louis, Missouri. Our teenage bozo couple had a devious plan. They wormed their way into an elderly woman’s trust, promising to do household chores for her in exchange for pay. But their plan wasn’t as straightforward as it seems. Their ultimate goal was to steal her checkbook and forge checks for cash to feed their drug addiction. Maybe they should have planned things out a little better. Cops were called to a report of two bozos passed out in a car. When the police arrived, inside they vehicle they found drug paraphernalia, heroin, a notebook where they had been practicing writing the woman’s name, and several pre-signed checks with the woman’s name misspelled. Oops. They’re busted!

Glass 1, Bozos 0

Our bozos for today from Port St. Lucie, Florida, thought they had it all planned out. They arrived at the Mobil Gas Station late at night, after the store was closed. Now, all they had to do was break the glass window next to the front door. This, however turned out to be easier said than done. Bozo number one attacks the glass with a hammer, but the impact resistant window refuses to break. He hits it again, and again and again with the hammer, still no luck. So he steps back and takes a running start at the window, but the glass still remains unscathed. At this point, his partner takes the hammer and goes to work on the glass with the same unsuccessful result. Seeing that this just wasn’t going to work, our bozos slinked away in shame, with all their failed attempts caught on video. The cops expect to make an arrest soon.

Tipsy Taxi To the Rescue!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Pennsylvania, where a good samaritan offered a tipsy bozo a ride home from a bar. On the way to a nearby motel where he was staying, our bozo asked if they could perhaps make a quick stop at the Union Community Bank. While inside, our not so drunk bozo demanded the teller hand over the cash and made off with an undisclosed sum. The good samaritan was still unaware, until our bozo asked the be let out near the mall, saying he would walk the rest of the way. About this time the driver noticed police cars whizzing by and began to put things together. He let our bozo out and turned around to ask the police what was going on. After a quick discussion with the good samaritan, our bozo was tracked down and placed under arrest.

You’ll Not Only Have To Watch, You’ll Have To Listen, Too!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report, which is more of a crime preventer than an actual bozo report. You may have seen the Justin Bieber commercial for T-Mobile that aired during the Superbowl. The police department in Wyoming, Minnesota, noticed it also and thought it might be useful as a Bozo Crime Deterrent. They tweeted during the big game that anyone caught drunk driving Sunday night would be forced to watch a video of Mr. Bieber over and over the entire way to the jail. Scary. Must have worked. The department reported no drunken driving arrests made Sunday night.

He Was Framed!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Manchester, England, where the police were called to a report of a man stuck in a second story window of a residence. Even they probably weren’t prepared for what they saw when they arrived. An overweight bozo burglar stuck halfway into the house he was attempting to break into. Apparently he had climbed up to the second story window and was in the process of entering the home when he could go no further. Couldn’t get in, and he found he couldn’t back out, either. So, there he was, stuck tight. Fire crews spent 20 minutes trying to extract him. He was removed with only minor injuries and sentenced to two years and five months in jail.

Just Because It Worked On Cops

Bozo criminal for today comes from Flagler County, Florida, where the cops were called to a Circle K on a report of a disturbance in the parking lot. After our bozo was confronted and refused to calm down, he was tasered and placed into the back of a police cruiser. Once inside our bozo asked if he could roll down the window of the cruiser to get some air. When the deputy checked back a minute later the door was open and our bozo had escaped. A perimeter was set up and our bozo was found a few minutes later in a tree about a quarter of a mile away. It was his method for escape that landed him on the Bozo Report. He told the officers “It always works on ‘Cops.” Well, this ain’t the TV show.

Maybe Consider a Flu Shot

Our bozo for today comes from Redmond, Washington, where a female officer on the south side of Microsoft’s corporate campus noticed a pair of bare buttocks shining under a street light. She called the cops to report a nude man jogging around the campus. It was when the cops arrived and questioned our bozo, who was indeed only wearing a pair of black Skechers, that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he was running naked to “build up his immune system to fight the cold weather.” OK. Since there were no “victims”, he was released with only a stern warning to try jogging clothed next time.

What’s the Old Saying…Make Like a Tree and Leave?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where the cops received a rather strange report. Someone called 911 and reported that he had just seen a Lincoln Town Car being driven down the street with a large tree embedded in its front grille. The cops were skeptical until they saw it with their own eyes. Bozo Maryann Carter behind the wheel of the Lincoln with a 15 foot tree standing upright, stuck in the grille. She told the cops she had run into a tree in a nearby town, but didn’t exactly remember where. Not surprisingly, she failed the breathalyzer test. She’s been charged with DUI.