Man With the Golden Bum

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kannur, India. A flight had just landed from Dubai and customs officials noticed an man walking awkwardly and apparently in a bit of discomfort. They did a quick search and found nothing in his pockets on on his person. So, the next check was to see if there was something IN his person. And that’s when they struck gold, literally. They found that he had two pounds of gold bars into his rectum. Yikes. He’s busted and charged with smuggling.

At Least Check the Name On the Mailbox First

Bozo criminals for today from Covina, California, came up with a simple plan to make some quick cash. They would go door to door claiming to be members of the local high school football team and asking for donations. Good idea until…they rang the doorbell of the high school football coach. He asked them to name the football coach and of course they couldn’t. Busted!

For a Little Variety, They Could Have Thrown In the Barney Song

Bozo criminals for today come from the Internal Affairs Department in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. According to court documents, two former detention officers have been charged with with cruelty to a prisoner. So what exactly did they do? Physically abuse him? Nope. Withhold food or water? Nah. Make him listen to the children’s song “Baby Shark” over and over and over? Yep. Now that is cruel and unusual punishment. The investigation continues.

A Drone, Maybe, But an Airplane?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Montville, Connecticut. It seems our bozo was charged with robbery and assault at a local Chinese restaurant. And the cops had damning evidence, too, a DNA match made on blood taken from the parking lot where he got into a scuffle with a man while trying to rob him. With things looking bad, our bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. While he didn’t deny the blood was his, he said that a phlebotomist who took his blood several years ago dropped his DNA on the scene by airplane. Yep, a plane swooped in and planted the blood sample. Don’t think so. He’s busted!

No, You Can’t Take This Item For a Test Drive

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Pierce, Florida, where the cops were called to an adult store on a report of a disturbance. Upon arrival, employees told the cops there was a naked woman in the back, who they believed had shoplifted an item. Officers found the woman in the storeroom, pleasuring herself with a sex toy. Yikes! The woman followed the officer’s instructions to, um, drop Mr. Happy and put your hands up. She faces misdemeanor charges of theft and indecent exposure.

Well, One Thing’s For Sure, This Mask Takes Care Of the 6-Foot Distancing Rule

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Manchester, England. Britain, like most places, has a law requiring masks be worn in public places. Our bozo was seen walking onto a bus with a rather unusual face covering. His “mask” was made of snakeskin. After he was seated on the bus one of the passengers snapped a picture of the “mask” as it started to move. Further inspection found that the face covering was actually a real live snake that the man had wrapped around his nose and mouth. Authorities said while the snake was “not a proper face mask” the man was issued a warning and allowed to go on his way.

Well, Business Has Been Slow During the Pandemic

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee, where the cops were having problems with a man abusing the 911 service. They say Bozo Han Nguyen had called 911 241 times on September 1 and 32 times on September 2. And just what prompted all those calls? Officers say he asked the 911 operator if he wanted to buy some egg rolls. Guess the answer was no. He’s under arrest.

Heyyyy….Where Ya Goin’?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from Trenton, Ohio, where a sergeant with the sheriff’s office was on his way to work when he noticed something strange. A car seemed to be following him. Turn left, the car turned, turn right, the car turned. Turn into the police parking lot, the car followed. And that’s when the officer identified our bozo as Christina Cook who was driving a stolen driver’s education car belonging to B-Safe Driver’s School. When he asked her why she was following him, she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told him she “just wanted to see where he was going.” She found out and was given a personal tour of the jail. Busted!

At Least He Saved Them the Trouble of Pulling Him Over

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charlotte County, Florida, where the sheriff’s department had started a new campaign to curtail drunk driving. Part of the plan included placing a digital sign on the side of the highway that read, “Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over.” The sign hadn’t been up for long before bozo James Chadwick crashed into it. The cops found him sitting in his damaged Mazda, apparently unaware that he had even crashed into the sign. After blowing a .166 on the breathalyzer, twice the legal limit, he was placed under arrest.

All Lubed Up

Bozo criminals for today come from Bexar County, Texas where sheriff’s deputies were called to a report of an attempted robbery. Our bozo ditched his getaway vehicle and attempted to carjack another one, but the driver put up a fight and our bozo had to move to Plan B. He ran into the Evergreen Lube Shop and stole a car that was in the middle of an oil change. The tech had just begun to drain the oil when he saw the car pulling away from the oil pit. Needless to say it’s not hard to track a car leaving a trail of oil. And a car without any oil isn’t going far. He’s under arrest, charged with attempt to commit aggravated assault, attempt to commit aggravated robbery, attempting to take a weapon from an officer and evading arrest in a vehicle.

You Mean This Isn’t an Uber?

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Portage la Prairie, Manitoba, Canada. Cops responded to a report of an intoxicated man causing a disturbance. A marked cruiser pulled up, followed by an unmarked vehicle. Our bozo spotted the cruiser and began to flee before noticing the unmarked car. Then, he did what any bozo would do. He jumped into the vehicle, mistaking it for a cab, and said, “Take me to 17th Street, bro!” He did get a ride, straight to jail.

Order In the Court!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Universal City, Texas. Bozo Anthony Garcia was released after being arrested on minor charges. Instead of being glad he wasn’t spending the night in jail, he told one of the officers, “This isn’t over.” He wasn’t kidding. He apparently returned to city hall, hid in the restroom and after the place shut down for the weekend, he crawled through the ceiling and made his way into the courtroom. The next step, break into the system’s computer, which wasn’t hard since the password was written on a piece of paper underneath the keyboard. We’re not exactly sure if he accomplished anything once he got into the system but we do know security cameras caught him walking out of the building on Sunday morning. Oops. Armed with a good photo, the cops headed to his house where he attempted to run from them before being arrested. He was right about things not being over. He’s gone from “minor charges” to felony counts of burglary of a building with intent to commit theft, and computer break of a security system.

Undercover Puss

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sri Lanka. Authorities at the high security Weilkada Prison had reason to believe they had a smuggler on their hands. Baggies of heroin and cell phone sim cards and been surreptitiously brought into the facility. After an investigation, the smuggler was captured and taken into custody. It was hoped that he could perhaps lead them to whomever was sending the contraband into the prison, so he was placed in a holding cell. When an officer brought our criminal his lunch, he made a daring escape, running past the guard and jumping over a fence in the prison yard. He was one fleet footed canine. Yep, our smuggler was a cat that the real crooks had used by attaching contraband to his collar. As of this writing, he is still at large.

Bozo Rule Number 3323827: Use Spell Check

Thanks to numerous Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s story from Long Island, New York. It seems bozo Robert Baxter was scheduled to face charges on theft of a Lexus and grand larceny of a truck. Things didn’t look good for him so he hatched a bozo scheme to get himself off the hook. He fled the state, had someone tell his lawyer he had died and had his fiance present a death certificate. Sounds like a solid plan, right? Well, not exactly. Whoever produced the phony death certificate supposedly issued by the New Jersey Department of Health, Vital Statistics and Registry misspelled “Registry” as “Regsitry.” Oops. Busted! He faces four years in prison if convicted.

Well, It Probably Wouldn’t Fit In the Car Anyway

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mulberry, Florida, where our unidentified went shopping at the local Walmart. She loaded several electronic items in her shopping cart before grabbing a big 65 inch Ultra HD TV. With it balanced precariously on the cart she headed, not for the checkout, but for the exit. Yep. She tried to walk out with a 65 inch TV in plain view in her cart. Needless to say, this attracted the attention of store security. When she could not produce a receipt for the TV, her accomplice grabbed the smaller electronic items and the duo fled, leaving the TV behind. They also left behind a nice picture of her on security cams. Police expect to make an arrest soon.

Motive? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Motive!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Jakarta, Indonesia. Police have arrested two former Starbucks employees after they were caught staring at a woman’s cleavage on a security camera. This would not merit entry in the bozo report except for the final line in the police report. “The police are now interrogating the men to find out their motives.” Well that shouldn’t take long.

Work On Those Bicep Curls Before Challenging Him Again

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boone County, Kentucky, where the cops were called to a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, they found our bozo had barricaded himself in his home after threatening family members and firing a couple of gunshots into the ceiling. Police determined family members had exited safely and that our bozo was alone in the house. After more than seven hours of negotiations, our bozo was finally coaxed out of the home. And just what could have possibly caused all this drama? Apparently our bozo was intoxicated and challenged his juvenile son to an arm wrestling contest. When he lost multiple times he became agitated and things went downhill from there. He’s under arrest, charged with felony charges of wanton endangerment.

A Man Can Get Bored In Alaska This Time Of the Year

With the Covid-19 outbreak holding bozo activity down a bit, Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow comes to the rescue with the story of a bozo that had apparently had enough of social distancing. Our bozo took a two by four and broke a window at the King Salmon, Alaska, fire department. Now, King Salmon is a small town and there was no one at the station at the time, so our bozo rummaged around until he found the keys to the fire truck. He didn’t even bother to open the station’s closed bay doors before he drove through. He then switched on the trucks emergency lights and headed west toward Naknek, about 15 miles away. And what was his destination? The Fisherman’s Bar. He was arrested shortly after arrival. He’s under arrest on charges of burglary, vehicle theft, criminal mischief and violating conditions of release on a previous arrest.

Honestly, They Told Me It Was Viagra!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Brussels, Belgium. Customs authorities were alerted to something strange in our bozo’s luggage when he returned from a trip to Jamaica. A large artificial penis was found to be stuffed with cocaine. Well. Mr. Happy, indeed. He’s busted!

Well, It’s Not Exactly a Weapon Of Mass Destruction, But Still…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Vienna, Austria. The cops responded to a report of a suspicious character in a park. When they approached our bozo, he rose from the park bench, turned his back to the cops, and, in the words of their report, “released a massive intestinal wind in the vicinity of the officers.” Yep, he farted on them. Busted! He was fined $564 for “violating public decency.”