A Real Black Friday Special
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Cape Coral, Florida. Today’s social media is full of “influencers”, people who post basically everything going on in their lives for the whole world to see. Here is our first known instance of an influencer who was moonlighting as a Bozo. It seems 22 year-old Martina Chavez visited the local Target store and loaded her shopping cart with $500 worth of merchandise. When it came time to self-check out, instead of scanning the items our bozo instead scanned false barcodes with cheaper prices. She was allowed to leave but employees alerted the local cops, along with a video of the deed. The cops posted the video, asking for the public’s help in identifying the suspect. It didn’t take long before the tip line was ringing with our bozo’s ID. But here’s where it gets weird. The cops discovered our bozo was a very popular TikTok star, with over 300,000 followers. And she had even posted a video of herself placing the items in her cart and loading them into her car. No, she didn’t tell her followers she hadn’t paid for the loot. Busted! Charged with petty theft.
Could You Give Me the Name of That Doctor?
Can a Guy In a Bear Suit Fool an Insurance Investigator? Apparently Not
Over the years, we’ve heard a lot of insurance fraud stories but the sheer bozo-ness of this one puts it at the top of the list. Four bozos in Los Angeles hatched a scheme to claim that the interior of their 2010 Rolls Royce was destroyed by a bear. And to provide proof, they even had a video surveillance tape showing the bear doing the deed. That ultimately turned out to be their downfall. Insurance investigators immediately claimed it was a man in a bear suit tearing up the car’s interior. A couple of things sealed the deal. First, the scratch marks were perfectly straight, something that most likely wouldn’t have happened with a real bear. And, second, the way the bear opened the car door so easily using his “paw” was suspect. And then there’s that bear suit that was found in one of our bozo’s homes. Busted! Charged with insurance fraud and conspiracy.
Is That A Bottle of Johnnie Walker Or Are You Just Glad To See Me
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Melbourne East, Australia, where a very exclusive bottle of Johnnie Walker Scotch was on display at the local liquor store. And we’re talking really exclusive, the price tag on the Masters of Flavour edition was $62,000 Australian dollars. Our bozo was captured on video talking to employees about the bottle just before he was seen exiting the store clutching the front of his pants. Yep, he stuffed the bottle of Scotch down his pants before walking out. Unfortunately for him the video enabled the cops to make a quick arrest before he was even able to enjoy it on the rocks.
If Only He Had GPS
The Only Thing Missing Was the Bad MF Wallet From Pulp Fiction
But the Big Question, Will They Get Out In Time To Vote?
He Did Have Good Intentions
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Pawnee County, Oklahoma. Bozo Cody Alexander was scheduled to appear in court on charges of unauthorized use of a motor vehicle. One problem…he had no means of transportation to get to court. So he headed down to the local OnCue convenience store and began asking strangers if they could give him a lift. When he found no takers, his mind went into full Bozo mode. Looking around the parking lot, he spotted a Lifenet Emergency Medical Services vehicle that was left running and unattended. That was just too much to resist. He hopped in the truck and drove more than 30 miles to court. During the drive, the truck’s owners reported the vehicle as stolen, and, as luck would have it, a trooper just happened to be driving by the courthouse and noticed the truck parked outside. The officer went inside and our bozo was placed under arrest. But wait, the story doesn’t end there. The cop asked our bozo what time his court appearance was scheduled for and allowed him to wait comfortably in the cruiser until he was due to appear. He then walked him in, handcuffed. Not the best look.
Social Media Moron
Well, What’s the Fun In Having It If You Can’t Ride It?
Bozo criminal for today comes from that hotbed of bozo activity, the state of Florida. Specifically, the city of Flagler. Police were called to the local Target after a manager reported our bozo had walked out of the store without paying for a $539 electric scooter. Now, if you were a bozo and you had just shoplifted an expensive scooter, what would you do? A. Hop into a waiting getaway car with you stolen merchandise. B. Run as fast as you can and get away from the scene. C. Sit down in front of the store and start assembling it so you can enjoy your new toy. If you selected “C”, congratulations, you show a keen understanding of the Bozo Mind. That’s exactly what he did. He was still working on it when the cops arrived and gave him a free ride to jail.
But, Your Honor, I Had a Doctor’s Appointment!
It’s an Ill Wind That Blows No Good
Bozo criminal for today comes from Citrus County, Florida, where Hurricane Debby recently caused damage. And also provided the Bozo Excuse of the Week, as we shall soon see. A sheriff’s department officer was on his way to inspect storm damage when he came upon our bozo. She was spinning her wheels at a stop light and, as she pulled away, he observed her driving erratically, continuously turning her emergency flashers on and off. He pulled her over and as he approached the car, he could smell alcohol. When she was unable to successfully walk a straight line in the field sobriety test, she offered up a unique excuse. She said the strong winds from the storm were interfering with her ability to walk. Well, that and the three empty shooters of alcohol, a can of beer and an unopened shooter that were on the front seat. Busted! She waited out the storm in jail.
He’s Reached the Heights of His Profession
Well, You Don’t Expect Me To Leave It For the Tow Truck Guy, Do You?
On the Other Hand, Maybe He Really Did Need Dialysis
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Officers were called to a report of a noisy party going on a residence. Upon arrival, they found a group of folks, including our bozo, sitting outside and enjoying a few adult beverages. Seemed like a rather routine call until it came time to ask our bozo for his ID. He gave them a false name before jumping a nearby fence onto the property of a dialysis clinic next door. And then things got weird. Our bozo headed to a nearby residence where he stole a bicycle, and then proceeded to pedal back to the dialysis clinic. He jumped off the bike, climbed onto the roof of the clinic and opened a hatch near the air conditioning unit. That’s about as far as he got. It seems he’s a little bigger than the hatch and he soon found himself stuck. After his removal by the police, he was charged with breaking and entering, criminal damage over $1,000, concealing identity and criminal trespass. Additionally, he was charged with doing $35,000 in damages to the air conditioning system.
Was It Regular or Extra Spicy?
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, they found a messy scene. The walls and floor had red spatters all over them and the victim had the same red material in her hair. Don’t get ahead of us here…the red spatters are not blood. They are…spaghetti sauce. The victim, the sauce hurling assailant’s mother, told police her son had become upset with her and had thrown his Sunday supper bowl of spaghetti at her. Our bozo fled the scene when cops arrived, attempting to hide behind a bush in the backyard. He was quickly taken into custody and charged with domestic battery and resisting an officer. This isn’t his first run-in with the law, either. He has a previous conviction for “throwing a deadly missile into a building.” The missile in this case was an empty Heineken bottle tossed after being asked to leave a party. A judge has ordered him to have no contact with his mother, and additionally he was placed on a soft food diet.
The Dreaded Trouser Snake(s)
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for sending in this doozy from the International File in Shenzhen, China. To set the scene, there is apparently a large market for snakes in mainland China and our bozo found himself in possession of 104 of the squirmy creatures. Now, all he had to do was get them across the boundary between Hong Kong and Shenzhen. Lots of ways to do this…pack them in luggage? Nah. Perhaps secure them in packing crates? Nope. Stuff them down your pants and head directly to the “nothing to declare” gate? Yep, that’s the ticket. Only it wasn’t. Guards noticed his bulging, undulating crotch. Busted! He’s under arrest. No word on the fate of the snakes.
These Kids Today…They Share Everything Online
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California. As you may be aware, LA is home to many so-called “influencers” who take delight in showing off every aspect of their lives. Perhaps that’s what our bozo robbers had in mind, when, after a successful robbery at an LA 7-Eleven, one of them posted a picture of the cash on his Instagram account. He also tagged the accounts of his accomplices on the post. Not the best idea. Using surveillance camera footage taken at this and several other 7-Eleven robberies, they were able to tie our bozos to the crimes. Perhaps his next influencer post will be of the nice bologna sandwiches at the jail.
Obviously the “Acme” Brand Parachute Failed To Open
Bozo criminal for today comes from Southold, Long Island, New York, where the cops responded to a domestic violence call. When the police pulled up, our bozo ran from the house, jumped into his car and sped away. He led them on high speed chase back and forth along Long Island, at times doing well over 100 MPH. He then turned onto Sound Road in Greenport, a road that leads straight to the water. The cops watched in amazement as he continued to pick up speed as he headed toward the end of the street. Never slowing down or hitting the brakes, he hit an embankment and went airborne over the bluff, plummeting into Long Island Sound, landing in five feet of water. But just like our old friend Wile E. Coyote, he emerged uninjured. Busted! Facing various charges, including fleeing from police.
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