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Bozo criminal for today comes from Citrus County, Florida, where Hurricane Debby recently caused damage. And also provided the Bozo Excuse of the Week, as we shall soon see. A sheriff’s department officer was on his way to inspect storm damage when he came upon our bozo. She was spinning her wheels at a stop light and, as she pulled away, he observed her driving erratically, continuously turning her emergency flashers on and off. He pulled her over and as he approached the car, he could smell alcohol. When she was unable to successfully walk a straight line in the field sobriety test, she offered up a unique excuse. She said the strong winds from the storm were interfering with her ability to walk. Well, that and the three empty shooters of alcohol, a can of beer and an unopened shooter that were on the front seat. Busted! She waited out the storm in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Officers were called to a report of a noisy party going on a residence. Upon arrival, they found a group of folks, including our bozo, sitting outside and enjoying a few adult beverages. Seemed like a rather routine call until it came time to ask our bozo for his ID. He gave them a false name before jumping a nearby fence onto the property of a dialysis clinic next door. And then things got weird. Our bozo headed to a nearby residence where he stole a bicycle, and then proceeded to pedal back to the dialysis clinic. He jumped off the bike, climbed onto the roof of the clinic and opened a hatch near the air conditioning unit. That’s about as far as he got. It seems he’s a little bigger than the hatch and he soon found himself stuck. After his removal by the police, he was charged with breaking and entering, criminal damage over $1,000, concealing identity and criminal trespass. Additionally, he was charged with doing $35,000 in damages to the air conditioning system.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, they found a messy scene. The walls and floor had red spatters all over them and the victim had the same red material in her hair. Don’t get ahead of us here…the red spatters are not blood. They are…spaghetti sauce. The victim, the sauce hurling assailant’s mother, told police her son had become upset with her and had thrown his Sunday supper bowl of spaghetti at her. Our bozo fled the scene when cops arrived, attempting to hide behind a bush in the backyard. He was quickly taken into custody and charged with domestic battery and resisting an officer. This isn’t his first run-in with the law, either. He has a previous conviction for “throwing a deadly missile into a building.” The missile in this case was an empty Heineken bottle tossed after being asked to leave a party. A judge has ordered him to have no contact with his mother, and additionally he was placed on a soft food diet.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for sending in this doozy from the International File in Shenzhen, China. To set the scene, there is apparently a large market for snakes in mainland China and our bozo found himself in possession of 104 of the squirmy creatures. Now, all he had to do was get them across the boundary between Hong Kong and Shenzhen. Lots of ways to do this…pack them in luggage? Nah. Perhaps secure them in packing crates? Nope. Stuff them down your pants and head directly to the “nothing to declare” gate? Yep, that’s the ticket. Only it wasn’t. Guards noticed his bulging, undulating crotch. Busted! He’s under arrest. No word on the fate of the snakes.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California. As you may be aware, LA is home to many so-called “influencers” who take delight in showing off every aspect of their lives. Perhaps that’s what our bozo robbers had in mind, when, after a successful robbery at an LA 7-Eleven, one of them posted a picture of the cash on his Instagram account. He also tagged the accounts of his accomplices on the post. Not the best idea. Using surveillance camera footage taken at this and several other 7-Eleven robberies, they were able to tie our bozos to the crimes. Perhaps his next influencer post will be of the nice bologna sandwiches at the jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Southold, Long Island, New York, where the cops responded to a domestic violence call. When the police pulled up, our bozo ran from the house, jumped into his car and sped away. He led them on high speed chase back and forth along Long Island, at times doing well over 100 MPH. He then turned onto Sound Road in Greenport, a road that leads straight to the water. The cops watched in amazement as he continued to pick up speed as he headed toward the end of the street. Never slowing down or hitting the brakes, he hit an embankment and went airborne over the bluff, plummeting into Long Island Sound, landing in five feet of water. But just like our old friend Wile E. Coyote, he emerged uninjured. Busted! Facing various charges, including fleeing from police.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where a citizen called to report the residence next door was on fire. And she knew exactly what had happened. She told the cops that our bozo showed up on her security camera approaching the property’s fence with a five-gallon gas can in hand. He jumped the fence and poured the gas around three vehicles that were parked in the driveway. So far so good. Then, he struck a match. The gas ignited the cars and quickly spread to the house, but unfortunately it also ignited our bozo. Video shows him hopping around trying to extinguish the flames before jumping the fence again and speeding away in a truck parked just down the street. To fill in the details, it was another case of love gone bad. The cars and residence belonged to his ex-girlfriend, who was not injured. Based on the video evidence, an arrest is pending.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Lay for sending in today’s report from Lakeland, Florida, which once again points out that Bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. Cops were called to a report of a disturbance at the Big Fish Bait and Tackle shop. Police determined that the cause of the disturbance was our bozo, who worked there, and was wanted on various charges including trafficking in stolen goods. At this time, however, our bozo was nowhere to be found. He was reported to have been seen entering the building but no one had seen him leave. A search turned up nothing. Where could he be? Fire rescue was called in and their FLIR camera, which can detect heat sources through walls, still turned up nothing. Officers were scratching their heads when the sound of a cell phone ringing began to echo through the ceiling. Moving the ceiling tiles out of the way, they spotted a hand sticking out of the insulation. Yep, he failed to put his phone on silent before going into hiding. Busted! Charged with Resisting an officer, felony criminal mischief (for causing about $1,000 on damage to his employer’s ceiling), multiple counts of violation of probation for burglary, providing false information to a pawnbroker, and trafficking in stolen property.

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Lavonia, Georgia, which also is a violation of Bozo Rule Number 3332323: If you return to the scene of the crime, at least try to stay awake. It seems bozo Manuel Parra broke into a residence, found a large jar of loose change and used it to purchase some beer. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to return to the scene of the crime to consume it. One thing led to another and the next thing you know he’s passed out on the bedroom floor. And that’s where the homeowners parents, who were keeping an eye on the home, found him. Dad was packing and he held our bozo at gunpoint until officers arrived. Busted! And charged with breaking and entering and burglary.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, Kentucky, where the cops were called to a report of a suspicious vehicle in a video store parking lot. Upon arrival, police found bozo David Reagan passed out behind the wheel of his car. They woke up sleeping beauty and asked him to hand over his ID. Instead, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a baggy of meth, pills and a large sum of US currency. Oops. Busted! Charged with trafficking in a controlled substance and public intoxication.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rock Rapids, Iowa. The cops pulled bozo Joel Garcia over after observing him driving “all over the road.” When asked for ID, our bozo presented a Minnesota ID card which contained some interesting information, most notably that he was 8 feet tall. When asked to step out of the car, only 5’8″ of him appeared. He’s been charged with narcotics possession, operating a vehicle while intoxicated, and providing cops with a false ID. Other than possibly having the worst case of short man syndrome ever, no other explanation was given for why his ID showed him to be 8 feet tall.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ken Landers for sending in today’s report from the International File in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, Canada. RCMP Mounties noticed our bozo driving erratically and pulled him over. When they approached the man behind the wheel, they discovered he wasn’t behind the wheel at all. Because there wasn’t one. Only a steering column with a couple of vice grips attached to it. Bonus points for creativity, bozo. Unfortunately he wasn’t so creative when it came to his drivers license, as he didn’t have one. Busted! and also ordered to have the vehicle inspected for safety.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Lay for sending in today’s report from the Don’t Poke the Bear, er… Bison department. Yellowstone National Park rangers were called to a report of an injured man about seven miles east of the park’s entrance. Further investigation revealed that he had gotten into an altercation. With a bison. Yep, he was harassing a bison and kicked the critter in the leg. Bad idea. A little bison information for you…they weigh up to 2000 pounds, can run up to 30 miles per hour, are agile and can jump over objects five feet in height. And they can be aggressive. He was taken to the hospital and treated for undisclosed injuries. He’s been charged with being under the influence of alcohol, disorderly conduct, approaching wildlife and disturbing wildlife. All of which carry a fine of $5000 and six months in jail. And the bison? He’s fine.