That’s What the Incognito Mode Is For!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Josh Widdowson for sending in this violation of Bozo Rule Number 8948492: Always clear your search history. It seems bozo David Carroll of West Newton, Pennsylvania, had what he thought was a foolproof scam. He called the cops and reported his vehicle as stolen. Five days later, the cops found his SUV in a wooded area, torched and nearly unrecognizable, but they were able to trace the still intact VIN number back to our bozo. End of story, right? Nope. As part of the investigation, a search warrant was issued for his phone. And right at the top of his Google search history…”How to set your car on fire and make it look like an accident.” Oops. Busted! Charged with arson with intent to collect auto insurance, insurance fraud, filing a false report and risking a catastrophe.

Maybe If He’d Applied As Dick Cheney…

Bozo criminal for today from Chattanooga, Tennessee, wanted to get a permit for carrying a handgun. He followed proper procedure, filling out the Tennessee Department of Safety form and enclosing it along with a check for $50. So far, so good, right? Well, no. It seems he filled out the form using the name “President Barack H Obama” and he even included US State Department letterhead. Did we mention he is a white man? And did we also mention he also has an active warrant for his arrest in Michigan. Needless to say “the president” didn’t get the permit. He’s been charged with perjury, forgery and theft of identity.

He Just Said It Wasn’t Stolen…He Didn’t Say It Wasn’t Fake

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Adelaide, Australia. Cops spotted our bozo driving without lights on around 2 am. Further inspection of the vehicle found that he had painted over the license plate and had hand painted new numbers on the plate. He also added a helpful phrase at the bottom of the license tag. It read, “Not Stolen OK”. Well, we’re glad to know that. He’s busted! Charged with driving without a license, driving at night without lights and driving with a defaced license plate.

He Probably Put the Handcuffs On Himself, Too

Bozo criminal for today obviously had a mama who taught him to be respectful and do what he was told. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the best thing to do when you’re trying to pull off a bank robbery. Bozo Edward Franks walked into a bank in Chicago and waited in line to see a teller. When he reached the window, he handed the teller a note that said, “no dye packs” and “armed”. The calm teller triggered a silent alarm and asked our bozo if he was looking to make a deposit or withdrawal. When he said withdrawal, she handed him a blue withdrawal slip, which he filled out requesting $10,000, with his signature at the bottom. The teller said, fine, but you’ll need to provide identification, and he handed over a state identification card issued three days earlier by the Illinois Secretary of State’s office. Thanks. Now if you’ll just wait a moment…He was still waiting when the cops arrived. He’s under arrest.

More Like “Never To Be Girlfriend”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Johnstown, Pennsylvania, where the cops received a call about a suspicious vehicle. The caller said there was a marked police car sitting if front of his house shining a spotlight into his home. He also said the driver of the vehicle, dressed in camouflage, had knocked on his door, asking for a woman. When the cops arrived, they found our bozo sitting inside the cruiser. He told the cops that he hadn’t really stolen the car, he had only “borrowed” it and was using it to find his “soon to be girlfriend.” Sorry, looks like he’ll have to keep looking. He’s been charged with theft and impersonating a public servant.

Well, Look Who Just Dropped In!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Stafford, Virginia. Our bozo was a wannabe Peeping Tom, so he staked out the women’s locker room at the local gym. Nope, he didn’t try the old trick of drilling a peep hole in the wall. Instead, he climbed up into the ceiling and, before he could get settled in, the rafters gave way and he landed right in the middle of the locker room floor. Needless to say, the ladies were not pleased and extracted bit of revenge on our bozo while waiting for the cops to arrive. Busted!

They Must Have Re-Formulated Ex-Lax…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Okaloosa County, Florida, where a deputy noticed our bozo’s car had an expired registration so he pulled him over. The cop’s K-9 partner alerted on the vehicle and a quick check inside found what appeared to be heroin under the seat, more heroin on the passenger floorboard, oxycodone, a plastic bag with methamphetamine residue, a scale and assorted drug paraphernalia consistent with use and distribution. Undeterred, the driver offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cop the heroin was a “chocolate laxative” and all the pills were fake. Right. Tell it to the judge. Busted! Charged with trafficking heroin, possession of oxycodone, possession of drug paraphernalia and a traffic violation.

I Just Can’t Wear Those $#@%$ Masks!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jackson, Mississippi where our bozo walked into a bank wearing a surgical mask. When he reached the teller’s window, he pulled down his mask and threatened the teller, demanding cash. While he did get away with an undermined amount of money he left behind an excellent security camera picture of himself without the mask. Police expect to make an arrest shortly.

He Got Just a Little Too Far In Character

Our bozo for today comes from Lehi, Utah. We don’t have details on what his motives were, but we know bozo Charles Morton liked to impersonate a police officer, even going so far as to have a green Salt Lake County Sheriff’s Department jacket. He was wearing said jacket when he walked into a 7-Eleven. And since he was a “cop”, it only seemed appropriate to grab a donut. His mistake was walking out without paying for it. The clerk reported the incident to the cops who used surveillance camera footage to grab the license plate of his getaway car. After it was determined the car was stolen, they tracked him to a nearby hotel where he was busted, charged with impersonation of an officer, receiving or transfer of a stolen vehicle and theft. Hope he enjoyed the donut.

Well, A Man’s Gotta Eat

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where paramedics had been called to an apartment complex. While they were dealing with the emergency, our bozo jumped into the ambulance and drove off. Unfortunately for him, the ambulance was equipped with GPS technology and the cops were able to pinpoint exactly where he went. To the nearby Jack In the Box drive thru. He had the emergency lights on and was ordering food when he was arrested.

One Bozo Now On Ice

Another day, another violation of coronavirus lockdown rules. This one comes from the International File in Augsburg, Germany, where Covid-19 rules there limit contact to members of the household plus one other person. With public gatherings limited also, our bozos decided to construct their own gathering place. An igloo. Yep, our bozos constructed an igloo in a public park. We can only assume things were going well until someone called the cops. Five bozos scattered when the police arrived. The least fleet footed one of them was captured and charged with breaching coronavirus lockdown rules.

Karma Is a Bitch, Bozo Dept.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lee County, Florida, where wannabe rapper Jonathan Hendricks needed to supplement his rap income by robbing a residence. So, he staked out the home and, when no one was there, he climbed in through a window. Or, should we say, attempted to climb in. He had just stuck his head in when the window unexpectedly slammed shut on him, leaving him trapped. According to the cops, they arrived to find him dead, dangling from the window by his neck. Services are pending.

The Cops Finally Found Something To Go On

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Funabashi City, Japan. Homebuilders reported that a toilet had been stolen overnight from a home that was under construction. Within days, another toilet was taken and the crappy thefts continued for three months, with a total of 18 toilets taken. Then, our thief made a crucial error. He sold a bowl to a second hand shop who reported the sale to the police. They were able to trace him from the receipt and our bozo, dubbed the “God of Toilets” by local media, was placed under arrest.

Take Him Home and Put Him In His Crate

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in this one from the International File in Canada’s Quebec province, which has seen a recent surge in Covid-19 cases. This led the province to implement a curfew from 8pm-5am. On of the few acceptable reasons to be out after curfew is to walk your dog. And it wasn’t long before a couple of bozos came up with a plan to get around the regulations. Police stopped a woman just after 9 on Saturday night walking her…husband. Yep, she had her husband on a leash and told the cops she was out walking her “dog.” We’re not sure just how much of a dog her husband is, but the cops weren’t buying this. They’ve both been fined $1212.

Should Have Put the Snow Chains On

Our bozo for today from Brampton, Ontario, Canada was foiled by a number of things, including Mother Nature. Our would-be porch pirate staked out a house with a nice looking package on the front porch. He wheels into the driveway and runs to grab the package only to be confronted by the homeowner, who was recording the whole thing. He makes a hasty retreat and tries to back out of the driveway. Unfortunately, he cut the wheels too sharply and his Toyota Yaris became stuck in a snowbank. Our bozo tries to push the car out of the bank to no avail. In the meantime, the homeowner had called the cops who showed up to bust our bozo before he ever got the car unstuck.

Guess Ronco Doesn’t Make That Spray On Hair Anymore?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrenceburg, Kentucky, where bozo Jeffrey Taylor walked into a hair salon and asked an employee if she had a product that could “bring his hair back.” When she told him there was no magic potion, our bozo, described as “6’3″, 250 pounds and bald”, became belligerent and generally caused a disturbance at the shop. He was arrested and charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct. However, outstanding warrants let to him being charged with arson, criminal mischief and violating a protective order. Perhaps the jailhouse barber will be able to help him with his hairy problem.

This Is One Energizer Bunny That Didn’t Keep Going

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Bend, Washington, where the cops noticed a car on I-90 with what was described as “extremely dim headlights”. Our bozo was pulled over and the officer noticed the car had significant front end damage. Enough damage that the standard equipment headlights were missing and had been replaced by a couple of flashlights that our bozo had duct taped to the frame. Bad idea. This is not legal. Also not legal is driving with a suspended license. He’s busted!

The Tank Isn’t the Only Thing Empty Here

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Blair County, Pennsylvania. Let’s follow along in this Bozo Timeline. One: Steal a gray Audi SUV. Check. Two: Take off on Route 22 but fail to check the vehicle’s gas gauge. Uh, check. Three: Coast to a stop on the side of the road and call, not AAA, not a tow truck, but instead the state police to ask for help. Check. Four: Go to jail after the cop arrives and determines the vehicle is stolen. Check and busted!

Guess He Can Forget That Side Hustle As a Mime

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in South Plympton, Australia. The cops were called to a report of a prowler at a building site. When they arrived, they cordoned off the area and brought in a K-9 patrol. After initially finding nothing, the cops noticed something strange. A statue that seemed to be out of place. Further investigation found that the statue seemed to be breathing. Yep, our bozo had hidden in plain sight by pretending to be a statue. He’s busted! Charged with criminal trespass.

Maybe He Was Looking For Some New Clothes

Bozo criminal for today comes from Goose Creek, South Carolina, where the local neighborhood group had been fielding complaints about a “porch pirate”, a guy stealing packages from residences. They even had a video of him in action which they posted up on their Facebook page. Goose Creek police also follow that page and noted that he was wearing a distinctive green t-shirt. Then, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he turned up the next day at a courtroom, wearing the same green shirt. Oops. After a quick confirmation that it was indeed the guy in the video, he was busted!