Bozo criminals for today come from Houston, Texas, where a homeowner was in the process of moving out of her residence when she returned home to find a broken window and some things in disarray. Then she noticed something else…two bozos asleep on her patio. Cops were called and apparently our crooks completely wore themselves out ransacking her house and decided to take a brief nap before making their getaway. They’re now getting plenty of rest in the county jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Miramar Beach, Florida, where the cops were called to the Ann Taylor store on a report of a shoplifting incident. Cops were led to the dressing room where our bozo had left the tags for 18 items behind. But that wasn’t all she left. Her cell phone was there. And, unexpectedly, she also left behind some pee. Yep, she peed on the floor. Well, there’s your DNA right there. Cops used the phone to get in touch with her husband who ratted her out and gave them a description of the car she was driving. In the meantime, another call came in, this time from Saks Off Fifth, where she tried to steal six pair of men’s jeans by hiding them under her coat. A deputy grabbed her and found the other stolen items in her car. Busted! No word on the fate of the pee.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Wright, Kentucky, where the cops set up a prostitution sting at the local Days Inn. It didn’t take long before they recognized our bozo, who had been busted for plying her trade previously. This story wouldn’t merit mentioning except for one thing. Her John didn’t give her cash. He gave her a $100 Speedway gas card. Well, times are tough all over, even for working ladies. Busted! Charged with prostution.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England. Our crook had his robbery of the Halifax bank all planned out. He would walk in, gun in one hand and a bag for the cash in the other. He would flash the gun, demand cash, and make a clean getaway. Sounds good, right? Let’s see what went wrong. He walked in as planned. Demanded cash as planned. Handed the gun to the teller. Huh? Yep, he got confused and instead of handing the bag to the teller, he passed over the gun. The teller grabbed the weapon, sounded the alarm and sent down the security shutters. There was nothing left for our bozo to do but run out and pedal away on a bank worker’s bike, which was just outside the door. An arrest is pending.
Bozo Criminal for today from the International File in Zagreb, Croatia proves once again that bozos and modern technology don’t mix. The cops pulled over our two bozos for driving erratically and, upon further investigation, discovered 100 grams of marijuana in their car. They were taken to the station for further questioning and that’s when they received a text from one of their bozo friends. And what was in that text? It was simple and straight to the point, “Water my weed, please.” Busted! Cops discovered a small backyard plantation at his house.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where, according to the cops, Precious Harper was shopping at her local Walmart when she encountered our bozo, Maneka Wilson in the potato chip aisle. Apparently these ladies have some sort of history, having been neighbors in the past. Things heated up quickly, leading to our bozo grabbing a 10 pound log of beef from Precious’s cart and clubbing her with it. Cooler heads prevailed and the two were separated before further damage could be done with the burger roll. Our bozo was taken into custody and charged with disorderly conduct. No word on what happened to the hamburger.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where TSA agents noticed something rather strange at a baggage checkpoint. A raw chicken. OK…so you’re taking a raw chicken with you on this flight? Mind if we frisk the chicken? Further inspection found that the chicken was stuffed…with a gun. Yep this bozo stuck a gun inside a chicken and tried to get through airport security. Bad idea. He’s busted! No word on the fate of the chicken.
Our bozo for today from Raleigh, North Carolina, comes from the Good Eats file. It seems our unidentified female bozo had ordered some to-go pulled pork from Clyde Cooper’s Barbeque. After she opened her food she became so upset that she felt the need to call 911. Perhaps a bug in her food? Nope? Maybe evidence of rodent infestation? Nah. Perhaps a piece of metal or something else that wasn’t supposed to be there? No way. She called to complain that some pieces of her pork were pink instead of brown. OK. After discussing the matter with the owners, an officer explained to her that the pink meat was “smoke rings” indicating that the barbeque had been cooked just like it was supposed to be cooked, over a smoky fire. Never mind. Bon appetit.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Gastonia, North Carolina, where the cops were called to a report of shots fired. Upon arrival, they found a 64-year-old woman in her backyard, firing at full cans of Diet Mountain Dew. Target practice? Nope, she told the cops she didn’t approve of her father drinking the Dew and this was her way of disposing of them. Maybe pour them down the sink next time. She was cited for discharging a firearm within the city limits.
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Louis, Missouri, where the cops were called to a report of gunfire. On their way to the scene, a man stepped in front of the marked patrol car, walked to the passenger side, and pointed a gun at the officers. At some point he noticed the vehicle he was trying to carjack was a cop car and he fled on foot. He was quickly apprehended. Charged with first-degree robbery, armed criminal action and resisting arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Longmeadow, Massachusetts. Sheriff’s deputies were attempting to serve an eviction notice at a residence when our bozo pulled up. Towing a trailer. Full of bee hives. Bozo Rorie Williams then calmly put on a beekeepers suit, started shaking the hives, breaking the cover off one and sending a swarm of bees in the direction of the deputies. Several deputies were stung before the bees were brought under control and our beekeeping bozo was placed under arrest. She has pleaded not guilty and is awaiting trial on charges of assault with, um, deadly insects.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Jersey City, New Jersey, where bozo Zulema Jefferson walked into local sheriff’s office and handed her job application to a security guard. Nothing wrong with that, right? Right, unless you happen to be wanted on a fraud charge in Pennsylvania. After the cops discovered who she was, they called her back in, ostensibly for an interview. She was quickly placed under arrest and, after she was found to be in possession of two stolen credit cards, she was charged with theft in addition to the ten bench warrants for failure to appear in court.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Seminole, Florida where bozo Paul Simpson walked into a Chase bank with his hand under his shirt. He then made the shape of a gun with his finger and demanded cash from the teller, advising her to “not push any buttons.” She went along with the charade and gave him $120. The cops were called and he was captured on foot not far from the bank. He was taken into custody, along with his “weapon”.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas. Our unidentified bozo walked into a fast food restaurant and asked the person behind the counter for change for a $100 bill. When the employee called over his manager, our bozo pulled a gun and demanded cash. Then, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he told the manager that it was his first time attempting a robbery. Seeing an opportunity, the manager simply refused to open the register. Our bozo then proceeded to try to negotiate an amount that the would be reasonable to both parties. No deal. He then left the establishment, probably to go home and practice in front of a mirror before trying again.
Bozo criminals for today come from Wildwood, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. When the cops arrived they found a young man with “visible red marks on the front side of his neck” and “fresh bruising/redness on his left eye.” Further investigation turned up several containers of Chinese take-out, one of which appeared to be completely empty. It seems the young man, who was the son one of one of the alleged perps, ate the container of Chinese food that belonged to the father. Must have been some good eats, too, as his sister, 25, joined in the beat down. For himself, the son offered the excuse that the containers weren’t labeled and he didn’t know which was his. Makes sense. Dad and daughter will have to go to jail hungry, as they were arrested for misdemeanor battery. And you can add domestic battery by strangulation, a felony, to pop’s charges.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Wexford County, Michigan, where officers were called to a report of a motorist attempting to flag down passersby for help. When they arrived, they found our stranded bozo, along with two civilians who were helping pour gas into his fuel tank. The cops routinely asked our bozo for his ID and he went to car to retrieve it. When he returned, instead of handing the officer his drivers license he instead gave him…wait for it…a half empty bottle of vodka. Oops. His problems were compounded when a .22 caliber handgun was found in the back seat. Busted! Charged with Operating While Intoxicated, Operating While Intoxicated with a High BAC, Possession of Firearm While Under the Influence, Carrying a Concealed Weapon, and Open Alcohol in Vehicle.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida, where an officer observed our bozo blow through a red light right in front of his squad car. He immediately gave chase but things quickly got out of hand as the cyclist, who had a passenger riding behind him, simply sped up, weaving in and out of traffic. He ran several lights and led the cop on a chase at speeds exceeding 100 mph. Other units were alerted and our bozo was finally apprehended at an intersection. And what exactly was the reason he gave for fleeing the cops? He said it was a “first date” and he was trying to impress the girl that was riding with him. Didn’t work. She told the cops she was screaming for him to stop the whole time. There won’t be a second date for a while, either. He’s charged with a felony for fleeing cops at high speed with wanton disregard for the safety of others. And his past won’t help him. He previously has convictions for cocaine possession, probation violation, grand theft, and passing a counterfeit check. And additionally, he was cited for reckless driving and driving an unregistered vehicle following a 2019 motorcycle crash. No word if there was a girl he was trying to impress that time also.
We present for you this morning a handy step by step guide for how to get yourself arrested. Today’s bozo in Acton, Maine took the first step by getting drunk and stripping down to his underwear. Step two, head over to a nearby house at 4:45 in the afternoon and, still clad only in your underwear, attempt to break-in. Step three, make enough noise to alert the homeowner who, after getting a good look at you on his Ring doorbell, calls the cops. Step four, flee in your vehicle, which was parked in plain sight, which allowed the homeowner to give the cops a good description. Step five, crash said vehicle into a nearby lake. And, finally, step six, swim to shore where the police are waiting to place you under arrest. Congratulations! You have completed our step by step guide to going to jail!
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the police were called to a report of a suspicious person. Upon arrival, they found bozo Enzo Carrera in an alley, glass pipe to his lips, attempting to light up. He was quickly taken into custody, but not before he offered up the Bozo Defense of the Week. He said to the cops, “Meth is legal now.” Um. No, it isn’t. Busted! On a felony drug possession charge and a misdemeanor count of resisting police. He probably has more problems since his rap sheet includes multiple convictions for narcotics possession, as well as convictions for trespass, disorderly conduct, obstruction, and assault.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Wyandotte, Michigan, where our unidentified bozo decided to take a nice relaxing drive along the riverfront. And what’s a relaxing drive without a drink or two, right? Well, maybe not. It seems he lost his way and made a wrong turn…right into the Wyandotte Police Department parking lot. Oops. When the cops confronted him and asked how much he had to drink, he replied, “Enough but not enough.” That’s where you’re wrong. Busted after blowing a .21. Charged with DUI.