That Must Have Been One Really Nice Phone

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We searched far and wide and couldn’t find any criminal activity in today’s story, other than the fact that our bozo was criminally stupid, so here goes anyway. Our bozo for today comes from Fishtrap Creek campground in Montana. A bit of background first. Apparently at some remote campgrounds in Montana where standard sewers are not available, they use something called a vault toilet. Vault toilets have a tank for holding waste that is usually about five feet deep, so you can imagine they can be pretty nasty. Ok, back to our story. A photo has been circulating recently on Reddit showing our naked bozo literally up to his elbows in a hole in the ground inside a concrete outhouse. Apparently he had dropped his phone into the toilet and he desperately wanted it back. Bad enough that he removed the porcelain throne, stripped naked and climbed in to retrieve it. And did we mention he locked the door behind him? Good idea…unless you get stuck, which he did. He was in deep doo-doo for three hours until someone else finally came along and discovered his plight. Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks employees were called, the door was broken down and our bozo was eventually extracted. And that phone? Still missing.

And On Top Of Everything, His Cholesterol Went Up 50 Points

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Tarpon Springs, Florida, where cops were called to the home of Bozo Roxelle Wilson on a report of domestic violence. It was her choice of weapon that merited inclusion in the Bozo Report. She admitted that they were both intoxicated and involved in a verbal argument when she hurled a raw steak at him. He escaped serious injury as it was not a bone-in cut of meat. She’s been charged with domestic assault and was booked into the county jail. No word on the fate of the steak.

You Know Cops Are Drawn To Donuts!

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Bozo criminals for today come from Tuscola County, Michigan, where officers were keeping an eye on an area where a large party was being promoted on TikTok. The next think you know, a car with seven bozos pulls up and starts cutting donuts in the middle of the intersection. Bad idea. Not only were they busted for a traffic violation, three men were found to be carrying handguns without permits. Hope you enjoyed the donuts, you’re under arrest!

If You’re Bored, Try Wordle!

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Pinellas County, Florida, where 23 year old bozo Jazmine Levy was in custody on a felony grand theft case. Claiming to be ill, a female deputy was escorting her to a walk-in clinic for testing. Out of nowhere, our bozo walloped the deputy in the face. And her Bozo Excuse of the Week? She said she was “bored.” Well OK then. You can add felony assault charges to those other felonies you’re charged with. Hope you don’t get bored reading the charges against you.

The Best Idea Is: Rob First, Eat Somewhere Else

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Bozo criminals for today come from Shelby, North Carolina, where a group of six bozos made themselves at home at the local Waffle House and ordered something to eat. After dining, one of them pulled a gun on the manager and demanded cash. With the price of gas these days, they then did what would seem to be a smart thing. They headed to a gas station next door. Probably should have found one further down the street. The cops were called and our bozos were arrested and charged with robbery with a dangerous weapon, conspiracy to commit armed robbery, and defrauding an innkeeper.

Put Down the Pelican and Put Your Hands In the Air!

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Rexburg, Idaho, where the cops were called to a disturbance at a campground. Upon arrival, they found the cause of the problem, three intoxicated males running around the facility, one of them carrying a pelican. A pelican? In Idaho? Yep. Apparently pelicans are classified as migratory birds and protected by the Migratory Bird Treaty Act. They weren’t willing to give up the bird quietly, however, as two of the men began yelling at the officers and flipping them the bird. The hand symbol, not the pelican! Eventually order was restored, the men were arrested and charged with harassing wildlife and the bird was taken into protective custody. No word on what they were planning on doing with the creature.

Well, At Least His Mom Taught Him To Never Give Up

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin, where our bozo had a plan to do a smash and grab at the local Kay Jewelry store. He parks right up front and casually strolls in, pulls a brick out of the pocket of his baggy shorts and goes to work on the display case. He slams the brick into the glass but it doesn’t shatter. So he hits it again. Still no luck. Now the employees are running to the front of the store to stop him so he picks up the pace. Slam! Fail. Slam! Fail. He hits the case nine times with the brick and still it doesn’t give way. Finally an employee chases him out of the building and he jumps into his car and drives away. She got the license plate and the video camera got a good picture of him. Cops expect to make an arrest soon.

Dammit! Where Did I Leave Those Keys?

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Culver City, California, where the cops received a report of a robbery in progress at the local Boost Mobile store. When they arrived, employees told them our bozo had entered the store, wearing a hoodie, sweatpants, and a surgical mask and gloves, and threatened them with a gun. He forced them to lie down and he jumped over the counter and grabbed $500 in cash before fleeing on foot. Seems like a clean getaway…except…what’s that over there on the floor? A set of car keys. Yep, he’d lost the keys when he jumped over the counter. Apparently he hadn’t locked his car as the cops found the vehicle nearby and inside they found the hoodie and mask he’d been wearing, along with the gun and his drivers license. Our bozo was found nearby and was placed under arrest. And did we mention he was on parole from another robbery and was wearing an ankle monitor? That’s at least three strikes. Busted!

You Don’t Need a Bloodhound To Track This One

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Coffee City, Texas, where the cops were called to a report of an accident at the local Dollar General store. They found a wrecked Nissan pickup that had crashed into two other vehicles and had barely missed a rack of propane tanks. And just who was driving said vehicle? Well it wasn’t hard to find him. Even though he appeared to be uninjured, the stress had caused him to poop himself and the cops simply followed the trail of feces leading from the vehicle. An empty bottle of Wild Turkey and two empty Budweiser cans were found inside the vehicle. Since this was his third DUI, he’s facing felony charges.

This Guy Is a Real Weenie

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Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where our entrepreneurial bozo was looking for a way to make a quick buck during this tough economy. So, he set himself up on a downtown street and began selling hot dogs to passersby. Good plan? Well, not exactly. It seems he was in violation of a city ordinance against street vendors. When the cops ordered him to shut the place down, he hurled a fully loaded dog at one of the officers, who took a direct hit from the projectile. Bad idea. Busted! Charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, a felony. He was also charged with resisting, a misdemeanor, for allegedly struggling with cops as they sought to place him under arrest.

Sounds Like Mickey Needs To Step Up Security

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Orange County, Florida, where the cops were called to Disney World’s Swan Reserve Hotel on a report of a man acting suspiciously. Upon arrival, they found our bozo wandering around the lobby pushing a cart containing a replica of R2-D2 and wearing a Disney nametag with the name “David” on it. He told the cops he was a Disney employee but when he was unable to find the employee locker rooms, he was left wandering around the Boardwalk area. OK…well let’s check that ID then…No such employee was found in Disney records. Time to change the story. He then told the cops he had been stealing items to “show the weakness of security at the resorts.” Maybe he’s right about that part. A search of his house turned up other items pilfered from Disney, including light fixtures and a towel cabinet. He can explain it all to the judge. Busted! Charged with grand theft, scheme to defraud, burglary of a structure, tampering with a coin-operated machine and obstruction by false information.

We Hope They At Least Enjoyed the Reece’s

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Bozo criminals for today come from Allen Park, Michigan, which, like much of the country, has been experiencing hot temperatures. A couple of bozos went shopping at the local big box store and loaded three air conditioners into their cart. They then headed for the self checkout, where the man grabbed a Reece’s, scanned it and paid for it. They then exited the store without paying for the AC units, which they loaded into their car, making what would seem to be a clean getaway. Except for one small detail. The woman left her purse at the self checkout area. Oops. Inside the purse…her ID and a crack pipe. Busted! Charged with theft and possession of drug paraphernalia.

It’s the Dreaded Trouser Snake!

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. Police responded to numerous 911 calls reporting a half naked woman walking in the middle of the road about 25 miles from Philadelphia. Sure enough, the reports were correct. Bozo Gloria Hayes, 35, was found walking beside the road naked from the waist down. The cops quickly took her into custody and it was then that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the police that snakes had eaten her pants. Well, that’s a new one. She’s busted! Charged with indecent exposure, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure.

We Know Why This Chicken Crossed the Property Line

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Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where two neighbors were involved in a dispute over a chicken. It seems that the chicken had been strolling over to poop on the neighbor’s patio. After asking the neighbor politely to control his chicken, the owner of the befouled patio decided to retaliate. She collected a large bucket of her own urine and doused the bird’s owner with it. This crappy version of an eye for an eye didn’t sit well with the man and he called the cops. After noting that he was wet and smelled of urine, the police arrested our pee thrower, charged with misdemeanor battery. No word on how long she had been storing up the pee for the attack.

So Are You Mario or Luigi?

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Adams for sending in today’s report from Osage Beach, Missouri. Cops were called to a report of a break-in at a residence. They arrived to find that the homeowner had things well in hand. Our bozo was sitting on the porch, covered in blood, with the homeowner pointing a gun at him. However, before he was collared, he broke numerous chairs, windows, 2 TV’s, several tables and a few lamps, resulting in around $25,000 in damage in total. So, what would cause someone to break into a home and do such damage? Well, get ready for the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he wanted to “play a real life video game.” Cops say alcohol and drugs may have also been involved. He’s under arrest.

He Just Didn’t Think This One Through

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Volusia County, Florida, where the cops received a report of a stolen Jet Ski. A bit of investigation led them to our bozo, who was found floating on what seemed to be a dead Jet Ski. He explained to the cops that he had been unable to get it started and it had stayed on board as it floated down the river. And why didn’t he simply jump off when he couldn’t get it going? He doesn’t know how to swim. Yep, only a Bozo who couldn’t swim would try to steal a Jet Ski. The cops tossed him a rope and pulled him on board their boat before charging him with grand theft and trespassing.

This Is What’s Known As An Unhappy Ending

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida. Cops were called to a report of a collision between an SUV and a FedEx truck. The police checked out the occupants of the SUV and found a man and a woman, both naked. It didn’t take long to put together what had happened. Apparently the woman was performing a sexual act on the man, who was driving and lost control, crashing into the FedEx truck. Charges are pending. In the meantime the man has been hospitalized with what was described as “injuries to the groin.” Ouch!

Sorry, Happy Hour Is At 2 PM!

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Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a prowler at the Red Mesa Cantina. When they arrived at 2:15 AM, they found our bozo relaxing inside a fenced area near the outdoor bar “With his pants open and his genitals exposed.” He was ready with the Bozo Excuse of the Week, explaining that he was “doing a chant and cleansing himself spiritually.” His next cleansing will come when he’s hosed down at the jail He’s charged with loitering and prowling. Add that to his priors for trespassing, obstructing police and possession of an open container of alcohol.

Ruh-Row!

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Sometimes our bozos just make it too easy for the cops, as was the case in today’s story from Belfast, Maine. Police were called to the Admiral Ocean Inn on a report of a disturbance caused by a drunken man. Upon arrival, the cops initially found nothing out of the ordinary. Then one of the cops noticed a chair in front of one of the rooms that was covered by a blanket. But it didn’t appear to be an ordinary chair. It was bigger and taller than it should have been. Yep, our bozo thought he had found the perfect hiding place. He sat in the chair and covered himself with the blanket. Someone pointed out that it sounded like an episode of Scooby-Doo. He’s busted!

Just Take It Easy When You Go Over A Bump

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Okanogan, Washington, where state troopers couldn’t believe what they saw. From the front, it looked just like an ordinary U-Haul truck. From behind, well let’s just say the guy took an unusual approach to hauling his car. Our bozo had crammed a SUV into the back of the truck. Well, almost. The rear wheels were hanging out and the whole thing was secured by one packing strap. After checking things out it was determined that our bozo didn’t have a valid drivers license and the truck was overdue for return. Busted! And charged with failure to secure a load.