It’s an annual tradition, Santa Claus makes his appearance in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade and our “bozo footprints in the snow” story follows shortly thereafter. This year’s cold case comes from Monroe, Michigan, where the cops were dispatched to a report of a porch pirate stealing packages delivered at the front door of some residences. Our bozo didn’t know it, but he already had two strikes against him. One, a nice picture of him caught in the act by the Ring doorbell. And, two, those footprints he left behind in the snow as he ran from the house, not to mention the package wrapping he dropped along the trail. It wasn’t long before the cops spotted him and when his boot prints matched the prints in the snow he was busted.
Bozo criminal for today from Lake County, Florida is from the Senior Division. Any of us that are married may be able to relate to this one. Our 70-year-old bozo became upset with his wife when he discovered that “once again” the coffee maker had no water in it. The spat quickly escalated and our bozo picked up the first weapon he could find. A package of Oreos. Yep, he threw a package of Oreos at her, allegedly knocking her down. Police could find “no obvious injuries” but our bozo was arrested and charged with domestic violence anyway. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Our bozo for today from Lakeland, Florida must have been a fan of the old Cheech and Chong “Dave’s not here, man” bit. It seems bozo Johnny Yates was wanted by the cops on aggravated battery, false imprisonment and tampering charges. The cops got a lead on where he was holed up and when they arrived, they found a whiteboard sign on the front door saying “Johnny Yates does NOT live here.” Not taking the word of a dry erase board, the cops knocked on the door and asked Johnny to come out. When there was no response, some “surrender smoke” was sent it to speed things along. Our bozo was finally found inside, holed up in a modified chest of drawers. Busted! And for those of you who don’t remember, this ruse didn’t work for Cheech and Chong either, as the Dave who wasn’t there actually was Dave, seen through a cloud of smoke.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Iowa City, Iowa, where where the cops were called to the local Target on a report of a man exposing himself. Upon arrival, store employees were able to show the police a video of our bozo doing just that. Not so fast…we offer you the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he was not “masturbating his actual penis” but instead a “dildo he had in his shorts.” Well. Hope it was good for the dildo, too. The cops weren’t buying this one. He’s busted! Charged with misdemeanor indecent exposure.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Dardanelle, Arkansas. Officers checking on a report of a suspicious individual, found bozo Richard Wells wandering around closed businesses at around 3am. What happened next sounds like it came from a Cheech and Chong movie. When asked for his date of birth, he said he couldn’t remember. “Maaan I forgot!” He then made a really big mistake when he gave the cops permission to check his backpack. Inside they found meth, a spoon covered with meth, needles and….a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card. Unfortunately that card only words on board games. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from West Monroe, Louisiana, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at Glenwood Regional Health Center. Upon arrival, they found Bozo Matthew Barker acting aggressively toward the hospital staff. The police report says he was “extremely combative and aggressive”, making “numerous threats.” So what exactly did this guy do to deserve being included in the Bozo Report? It was his choice of weapon. A nurse said he had repeatedly tried to stab her with a plastic spork from the dinner tray. She was able to excape un-sporked and our bozo was charged with assault and booked into jail.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Matias Joost for sending in today’s report from the International File in Grand Forks, British Columbia, Canada. RCMP was called to a report of an intoxicated man. Upon arrival the RCMP found our bozo to indeed be drunk and uncooperative as he attempted to navigate around in his canoe. Yep, we have a drunk bozo in a canoe. Only in Canada. He eventually made his way to a dock where he climbed out of the canoe and then attempted to hide himself underneath the pier. He continued to ignore orders to surrender and finally an officer had to climb into the water and retrieve Captain Ahab. Busted! And charged with “impaired operation of a boat.”
Bozo criminal for today comes from Cobb County, Georgia, where our bozo and a couple of his friends enjoyed a tasty meal at the Juicy Crab restaurant, running up a $100 tab. When they were done, our bozos simply got up and left without paying. And they might have gotten away with it except for one small detail. The head bozo left his phone behind on the table. Uh-oh. And the store manager snapped a picture of the license plate as they drove away. Double uh-oh. And investigating officers noticed the photo on the lock screen of the phone was a selfie of our bozo who was wanted on a murder charge. Triple uh-oh. A license plate reader got a hit on the car a short time later and our bozo was quickly placed under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for sending in today’s report from the International File in the Fujian province in China. You’re no doubt familiar with smartphone stores that have the newest phones on display, attached to the counter by a metal cable. Our bozo had the solution to this problem. Cut the cable. With her teeth. Yep, security cam footage showed her gnawing on the metal cable when she thought no one was looking. She must have some powerful chompers, because a few minutes later both she and the phone were gone, with only a shredded cable left behind. Unfortunately for her the cops were able to track her down before she was even able to enjoy her new phone. And the Bozo Excuse of the Week? She said she entered the store with the intention of buying a new phone but the sticker shock left her so exasperated that she decided to take matters into her own hands. Or in this case, her own teeth. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where the cops had run into nothing but dead ends in trying to solve a murder from 2021. A detective was perusing You Tube when he came upon a music video by a rapper who goes by the name of “The BiggestFinn 4800”. In the video, Mr. 4800 brags about killing someone and re-enacts details of the murder. Fine. Except for the fact that specific details of the murder, that had not been released to the public, were included in the song. And he also included elements of the victim’s death in the video that were “consistent with evidence at the scene”. Busted! Held on $1 million bond and charged with open murder with a deadly weapon and violating his parole.
Bozo criminal for today comes from San Diego, California, where our bozo had his sites on a real nice three speed Electra bicycle which he had spotted parked in a garage. He grabbed the bike and was getting ready to make his getaway when the owner’s dog approached. He wasn’t in guard dog mode, instead he was in “aren’t I cute, pet me” mode. Our bozo was taken in by the canine charm and got of the bike to give the dog some love. And it just so happened that getting in position to pet the dog also brought him into clear focus of the home’s security cameras. Oops. Cops were able to use the video to ID our bozo and place him under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Schenato for sending in today’s report from Lancaster County, Nebraska, where the 911 operator received a call from a driver reporting “someone driving on the wrong side of the road.” An officer was quickly dispatched and before anything tragic could happen he did indeed find someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Further investigation found that the guy on the wrong side of the road was the same bozo who had called 911 in the first place. Yep, he busted himself. His bozo excuse of the week was he “must have missed an exit.” The more probable cause was his blood alcohol level, which was more than twice the legal limit.
Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Suffolk, England. For nearly a year, the cops had been searching for bozo Wayne Pierce after he failed to appear in court on charges of committing nearly a million dollars in fraud. The case had gone cold when a detective happened to be checking out Match.com and whose smiling face should appear? Yep, our bozo, complete with his full dating profile. Looks like his next opportunity for a meaningful relationship will be in the jailhouse.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Sharon, South Carolina, where bozo David Carter walked into a convenience store, wearing a hoodie, wig and mask and demanded cash. He pointed to a gun in his waistband as the clerk handed over $300. He made his getaway but a quick call to the cops by the clerk resulted in him being grabbed in a nearby parking lot. So what exactly makes this worthy of inclusion in the Bozo Report? It was that “gun” that was tucked in his pants. Upon further investigation, the cops discovered that it was actually a toy gun from the Nintendo game Duck Hunt which had been spray painted black. Busted! Charged with armed robbery and petty larceny.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Clay County, Missouri. You can put this one in the “What were they thinking?” file. Our bozos were involved in a routine traffic stop and as he was approaching the car the officer couldn’t help but notice the unusual personalized license plate, “WE-HIGH”. We’re not sure if they were or not but we do know they fled as he was approaching the vehicle. And that’s always a bad idea. Busted! And charged with resisting arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, where police were called to a report of a disturbance in a retail strip parking lot. Upon arrival, the cops encountered our agitated bozo, weapon in hand, threatening two people inside a parked vehicle. Looking inside, the cops observed one female, covered in rice, and rice strewn throughout the vehicle. Did we fail to mention the weapon our bozo was holding was a takeout container of fried rice from a nearby Chinese restaurant? Yep, assault with fried rice. No word on the cause of the disturbance. Rice-man was arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault and battery.
Bozo criminals for today come from Detroit, Michigan where steps A and B of the plan went well. It was step C that went awry. Step A: Head to a construction site and steal a backhoe. Check. Step B: Drive said backhoe across the street, through a parking lot and smash into a free-standing ATM. Check. Step C: Remove ATM and bust it open and escape with a ton of cash. Sorry, no check on this one. As they were turning the backhoe around, the ATM fell from the bucket and smashed to the ground. The ATM was unscathed and our bozos made a quick business decision that this caper might not be as simple as it seemed. They fled the scene, leaving the ATM and the backhoe behind. Cops are investigating.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Paducah, Kentucky. An officer was on routine patrol around 2:50 a.m. when he came upon a parked car with the engine running. And inside, three bozos, apparently asleep. A quick check of the license plate found the car was reported as stolen. When he checked to make sure they were OK, he discovered the driver was obviously under the influence of drugs. And, what’s that in the seat beside you? A bunch of used needles, and five needles believed to contain methamphetamine. And about $1400 worth of stolen merchandise. And, he’s wanted on charges of flight/escape and failure to appear on a weapons offense. Busted! Let’s count up this list of charges: Receiving stolen property, driving under the influence of a controlled substance, driving with a suspended or revoked operator’s license, first-degree possession of a controlled substance (methamphetamine) and possession of drug paraphernalia.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Saginaw, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a personal protection order violation stemming from domestic violence issues. Our 24 year-old bozo fled when the cops arrived, leading them on a chase through the streets of Saginaw. It was what he chose to flee on that merits his presence in the Bozo Report for today. He tried to get away from the cops on a mini-bike. You know the type, basically a bicycle with a lawn mower engine strapped on. Anyway, he could almost have walked faster, as the 15 mph “chase” led the cops through city streets before coming to its expected conclusion. He’s busted! Charged with fleeing from the police, aggravated stalking and parole violation.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Indian Rocks Beach, Florida, where the cops were investigating a fraudulent use of a vacation home.They discovered our bozo had used a false ID to check himself into a 17-night stay at the resort. He was taken into custody and as he was being booked into jail he underwent a routine cavity search. And that’s when things got a whole lot worse. An officer discovered a .22 caliber round of ammunition that was “positioned underneath the suspect’s testicles.” Yep, of all the places to hide a bullet, our bozo had chosen the seemingly safe location just adjacent to the old family jewels. Well, sorry, pal, but that adds another felony charge. You’re busted!