Obviously the “Acme” Brand Parachute Failed To Open

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Southold, Long Island, New York, where the cops responded to a domestic violence call. When the police pulled up, our bozo ran from the house, jumped into his car and sped away. He led them on high speed chase back and forth along Long Island, at times doing well over 100 MPH. He then turned onto Sound Road in Greenport, a road that leads straight to the water. The cops watched in amazement as he continued to pick up speed as he headed toward the end of the street. Never slowing down or hitting the brakes, he hit an embankment and went airborne over the bluff, plummeting into Long Island Sound, landing in five feet of water. But just like our old friend Wile E. Coyote, he emerged uninjured. Busted! Facing various charges, including fleeing from police.

Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Richmond, British Columbia, Canada, where the RCMP released an interesting video. It shows our bozo, along with an accomplice, smashing a window of a business and then attempting to set the place ablaze. While lighting the fire, our bozo also caught his pants on fire and then lost his mask as he rolled on the ground trying to extinguish the flames. OUCH. Based on the clear picture of his face the RCMP is hoping someone will come forward and identify our bozo. And give him something for that burn, which looks pretty painful.

Maybe He Just Wanted To Enjoy the Cold AC At the Jail

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Lady Lake, Florida. Bozo Michael Frazier walked into the Chase Bank branch and handed the teller a cash withdrawal slip. For $00.01. Yep, he requested to withdraw one cent. When told this couldn’t be done since he didn’t have an account with the bank our bozo replied, “So you want me to say the other word?” The teller could see trouble was brewing and notified the cops. Our bozo, seemingly resigned to his fate, simply sat down and waited for the police to arrive. Busted! Charged on a felony robbery charge. No word on what he planned to do with the penny.

First, Stop, Drop and Roll

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where a citizen called to report the residence next door was on fire. And she knew exactly what had happened. She told the cops that our bozo showed up on her security camera approaching the property’s fence with a five-gallon gas can in hand. He jumped the fence and poured the gas around three vehicles that were parked in the driveway. So far so good. Then, he struck a match. The gas ignited the cars and quickly spread to the house, but unfortunately it also ignited our bozo. Video shows him hopping around trying to extinguish the flames before jumping the fence again and speeding away in a truck parked just down the street. To fill in the details, it was another case of love gone bad. The cars and residence belonged to his ex-girlfriend, who was not injured. Based on the video evidence, an arrest is pending.

It Was the Wife Reminding Him To Pick Up a Loaf of Bread On the Way Home

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Lay for sending in today’s report from Lakeland, Florida, which once again points out that Bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. Cops were called to a report of a disturbance at the Big Fish Bait and Tackle shop. Police determined that the cause of the disturbance was our bozo, who worked there, and was wanted on various charges including trafficking in stolen goods. At this time, however, our bozo was nowhere to be found. He was reported to have been seen entering the building but no one had seen him leave. A search turned up nothing. Where could he be? Fire rescue was called in and their FLIR camera, which can detect heat sources through walls, still turned up nothing. Officers were scratching their heads when the sound of a cell phone ringing began to echo through the ceiling. Moving the ceiling tiles out of the way, they spotted a hand sticking out of the insulation. Yep, he failed to put his phone on silent before going into hiding. Busted! Charged with Resisting an officer, felony criminal mischief (for causing about $1,000 on damage to his employer’s ceiling), multiple counts of violation of probation for burglary, providing false information to a pawnbroker, and trafficking in stolen property.

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And While You’re Confessing, Tell Us Who Sold You Those Drugs

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida, where this call was a first for the 911 operators. Bozo Christy Taylor dialed them up to report that she was attempting to steal a car. Huh? Yep, she told the emergency operator that she was “trying to steal a car that’s not legally mine. So, ya’ll better come make a report.” To make things even easier, she also gave them the address of the car dealership. When the cops arrived, she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. She said she was being trained in Black Ops to steal cars and she made the call so she could “do it legally.” Um, that’s not how it works. She’s been taken into custody and is facing trespassing charges.

One Beer, Two Beers, Three Beers, Floor

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Lavonia, Georgia, which also is a violation of Bozo Rule Number 3332323: If you return to the scene of the crime, at least try to stay awake. It seems bozo Manuel Parra broke into a residence, found a large jar of loose change and used it to purchase some beer. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to return to the scene of the crime to consume it. One thing led to another and the next thing you know he’s passed out on the bedroom floor. And that’s where the homeowners parents, who were keeping an eye on the home, found him. Dad was packing and he held our bozo at gunpoint until officers arrived. Busted! And charged with breaking and entering and burglary.

I Don’t Care. I’m Not Moving Until These Nails Are Dry

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where our unidentified bozo thought a nail salon would be a great place for a hold-up. He was wrong. Surveillance camera footage shows him entering the salon, his hand in a bag, and shouting, “Everybody get down! Give me all your money.” Nail salon patrons and employees are not impressed. They simply stare at him and most barely move or change expressions. Finally one customer stands up, but instead of handing over her money, she backs out the door. Seeing that this just isn’t going as planned, our bozo gives up and leaves the salon.

It’s Getting To Where a Guy Just Can’t Get a Nap In His Car Anymore

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, Kentucky, where the cops were called to a report of a suspicious vehicle in a video store parking lot. Upon arrival, police found bozo David Reagan passed out behind the wheel of his car. They woke up sleeping beauty and asked him to hand over his ID. Instead, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a baggy of meth, pills and a large sum of US currency. Oops. Busted! Charged with trafficking in a controlled substance and public intoxication.

It Really Wasn’t That Big Of a Deal

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Rock Rapids, Iowa. The cops pulled bozo Joel Garcia over after observing him driving “all over the road.” When asked for ID, our bozo presented a Minnesota ID card which contained some interesting information, most notably that he was 8 feet tall. When asked to step out of the car, only 5’8″ of him appeared. He’s been charged with narcotics possession, operating a vehicle while intoxicated, and providing cops with a false ID. Other than possibly having the worst case of short man syndrome ever, no other explanation was given for why his ID showed him to be 8 feet tall.

And the Turn Signal Stalk Was a Flat Head Screwdriver

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ken Landers for sending in today’s report from the International File in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, Canada. RCMP Mounties noticed our bozo driving erratically and pulled him over. When they approached the man behind the wheel, they discovered he wasn’t behind the wheel at all. Because there wasn’t one. Only a steering column with a couple of vice grips attached to it. Bonus points for creativity, bozo. Unfortunately he wasn’t so creative when it came to his drivers license, as he didn’t have one. Busted! and also ordered to have the vehicle inspected for safety.

So, At What Point Does It Sound Like Fun To Go Kick a Bison?

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Lay for sending in today’s report from the Don’t Poke the Bear, er… Bison department. Yellowstone National Park rangers were called to a report of an injured man about seven miles east of the park’s entrance. Further investigation revealed that he had gotten into an altercation. With a bison. Yep, he was harassing a bison and kicked the critter in the leg. Bad idea. A little bison information for you…they weigh up to 2000 pounds, can run up to 30 miles per hour, are agile and can jump over objects five feet in height. And they can be aggressive. He was taken to the hospital and treated for undisclosed injuries. He’s been charged with being under the influence of alcohol, disorderly conduct, approaching wildlife and disturbing wildlife. All of which carry a fine of $5000 and six months in jail. And the bison? He’s fine.

She Obviously Is a Big Fan of “Weekend At Bernies”

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Our Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Our bozo rolled her “Uncle’s” wheelchair up to the loan department of the local bank and told the clerk she would like to take out a $3400 loan, using him as a co-signer. “Uncle” didn’t look too good. His head would fall over unless she held it up and his color was ashen gray. That didn’t stop her as she placed a pen in his drooping hand and told him to hold it “hard.” No response from “Uncle.” She then said, “Uncle, are you listening? Sign so you don’t give me any more headaches.” When an employee expressed her concerns over “Uncle’s” condition, she said, “He’s like that. He doesn’t say anything.” And he won’t be saying anything because the poor guy’s dead. Cops were called and after it was determined “Uncle” was deceased, our bozo was arrested, facing charges of fraud, embezzlement and abuse of a corpse.

Nope, You Can’t Blame This On Cornholio

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from the seldom used Beavis and Butthead File. A high school student in Baldwinsville, New York has been arrested after he allegedly sent a fax to school officials that appeared to be from the principal announcing that he was resigning. Our Butthead wannabe even went so far as send the fax on what looked like official school letterhead. What tripped him up was that cover sheet. On the phone number line, Butthead included his own cell phone number. Oops. Busted! And charged with criminal impersonation.

Guess He Didn’t Want That Kind of Exposure

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Iowa City, Iowa, where an 11-year-old girl reported that a man had followed her around the local Walmart store and exposed himself to her. Our bozo flasher got away but Walmart security cameras caught a nice picture of him which the cops posted on their Facebook page, asking for help in identifying him. They got help all right, but not from the source they expected. Our bozo called the police department to request that they please remove the picture from their site. Not the best idea. He’s now under arrest, charged with indecent exposure, an aggravated misdemeanor. It’s not his first time to be locked up, as he has priors for indecent exposure, as well as convictions for theft, narcotics possession, probation violation, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

And Just Give Me the Change In Small Bills, Please

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Louisville, Kentucky, where bozo Conor Lucas walked into the local Porsche dealership and said he wanted to buy a car. And he had the cash money, too, as he showed them a check he had for $78 million. Yep, 78 million dollars. Undeterred when management refused his offer, our bozo walked into the parts department “looking for the keys.” When he continued to refuse to leave until he got his car, the cops were called. Busted! And charged with criminal trespassing and disorderly conduct. One final note, it seems the tried the same trick the day before at the Land Rover dealership, but this time the check was only for $12 million.

Maybe Next Time Just Try a Dozen Roses

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in the Kemerovo region of Russia. It seems our lovesick bozo had a fight with his wife and to make up to her, he decided to play the role of “Prince Charming” and rode his horse over to their apartment. He then walked the horse through the lobby where the big fella left a smelly reminder of his presence. And after he couldn’t get the horse into the elevator, he rode him up five flights of stairs to the fifth floor. Instead of being impressed, the wife called the cops, who are still trying to decide what to charge Charming with. The good news, the horse was removed from the building without incident and is now happily back at the farm.

Maybe Switch It Out and Wear the Shirt With Tommy On It

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from St. Louis, Missouri, in which there is a clear violation of Bozo Rule Number 553223: Change wardrobe frequently to avoid identification. It seems our 16-year-old bozo used a firearm to pull off five separate carjackings. And he might have gotten away with it if had just hadn’t worn the same blue Rugrats sweatshirt with the picture of Chuckie on it on every crime. When he was picked out of a lineup by three of his victims, his fate was sealed when the cops found the sweatshirt inside his residence. Busted! Charged with five felony charges of first degree robbery.

Well, Just Make Yourself At Home

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Chaparral, New Mexico where a woman arrived home from work to find a bozo in her kitchen. Bozo Tommy Lang was heating up a bowl of soup and stirring up a glass of Nestle Quik when she rushed next door to call the cops. Further investigation revealed our bozo had eaten a lot of the victim’s food, put on a pair of her shoes, ripped up some of her pictures, and re-arranged her toileteries. Furthermore, he claimed he had been dating the woman “since pre-school” and lived with her in the house. The woman told the police she had never seen the man before in her life. Busted! Charged with breaking and entering and destruction of property.

Perhaps Greyhound Wasn’t Available

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Lay for sending in today’s report from Cochise County, Arizona. It seems our bozo, fresh out of prison, took a liking to a truck driver stopped at the Love’s in Wilcox, Arizona. Or maybe what he really liked was the load the driver was hauling. A truckload of brand new Chevrolet Corvettes, valued at over $1,250,000. Anyway, he struck up a conversation with the driver and ended up grabbing him and throwing him out of the cab. He then took off down the highway with his load of ‘Vettes. Needless to say, this attracted the attention of local law enforcement and it wasn’t long before they had him pulled over. It was then he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he didn’t really care about the Corvettes, he just needed a truck to get home as he had just been released from prison. Sure. He’s headed right back, charged with multiple felony charges, including robbery, 11 counts of theft of means of transportation and felony theft.