Well, That Down Did Seem Pretty Low…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Michigan where bozo Wendy Watson wanted her ex-husband gone. And we don’t mean she wanted him to vacate the premises, she really wanted him “gone.” So, what do you do in such a situation if you don’t want to do the deed yourself? You look for someone on the internet who can perhaps help you. She thought she had hit the jackpot when she stumbled upon rentahitman.com. The site, which promised privacy and said it complied with HIPPA, which it said was “the Hitman Information Privacy & Protection Act of 1964,” would provide her with someone to do away with her ex in exchange for a down payment of $200 and $5000 when the job was done. She agreed. One problem rentahitman.com is a fake website, founded by a man who forwards any serious inquiries to the cops. When an officer showed up to take the down payment, she was placed under arrest and charged with solicitation of murder and using a computer to commit a crime.

Criminal Mastermind Captured

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Billy Majors for sending in today’s report from Pottsville, Arkansas. It seems our bozo was involved in an incident where he was fleeing from the cops on a motorcycle he had allegedly stolen. He jumped off the motorcycle and ran across Interstate 40 into a wooded area where he was able to avoid arrest. End of story, right? Wrong. Our bozo was so proud of himself that he posted details of his exploits on his Facebook page and even took a picture of a T-shirt he had made up showing the stolen motorcycle and a police flyer asking for help in finding the “criminal mastermind” who had escaped capture. Long story short, he was wanted on charges related to another incident and that investigation led to his Facebook page and the recovery of the helmet he was wearing during the chase. Busted! He’s in jail on charges of theft and fleeing arrest.

These Guys Must Have Worked At Guantanamo

Bozo criminals for today come from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where three former inmates have filed civil rights violations charges against two former jailers, alleging “torture events.” So what exactly did these jailers do? Beat the inmates? Nope? Deprive them of food? No way. Force them to listen to “Baby Shark” on a loop over and over? Yep. They allege mental and physical abuse and if you are familiar with the song, it’s hard to disagree. A jury trial is set for February.

But What About My Girlfriend?

Our bozo for today comes from the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished file. It seems our bozo, who lives in Hayes Township, Michigan, lost track of his girlfriend, so he called in a well-being check to the cops. When the officers arrived, the woman was nowhere to be found. They were questioning her father when who should show up but out bozo. Further interrogation revealed he had a felony warrant for his arrest. And to complicate things, he was in possession of methamphetamine. Busted! No word on whether his girlfriend ever turned up.

I Thought YOU Brought the Gas Mask!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. Police were called to a report of a break and enter at a residence. When they arrived, there was a strong smell of gas in the area. Upon entering, they found our two bozos inside, overcome by the gas fumes. It quickly became obvious what was going on. They were trying to steal the natural gas furnace when the gas feed became dislodged and caused the leak. Fortunately for our bozos they were revived by EMTs after they were removed from the house. The cops must have been in the Christmas spirit a little early, as our bozos were released without being charged.

Why Did He Steal a School Bus? Because It Matched His Dress, Of Course

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chelewah, Washington, where our bozo, wearing a bright yellow dress, was reported to have stolen a school bus. Deputies spotted the bus when it ran a red light and gave chase. However, when he refused to stop, they had to give up the chase due to a new state law that only allows law enforcement to pursue a fleeing vehicle if there is probable cause that a felony occurred. (Obviously some bozos making laws in Washington, but that’s another story for another time) County deputies tried to stop the bus but quickly had to give up the chase for the same reason. Later, deputies received a report of our bozo, still wearing the yellow dress, being taken into custody after using a front end loader to destroy his estranged wife’s home. Busted! Finally! Charged with theft of a motor vehicle, possession of a stolen vehicle, first-degree malicious mischief/domestic violence and attempting to elude a police vehicle.

That Must Have Been Some Cat

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Melbourne, Australia, where bozo Tony White wanted his cat back. Really, really wanted his cat back. After discovering the cat was at a local shelter, our bozo donned full combat gear, armed himself with a fake assault weapon and stormed into the facility. He then tied up the person at the front desk and questioned her about the whereabouts of the cat. Not sure why, but he left the facility without retrieving the cat only to return the next day. This time they were ready. The cops were called and our bozo, who reportedly suffers from PTSD, was charged with false imprisonment, aggravated burglary, criminal damage, perjury, common law assault and carrying an imitation weapon. No word on the status of the kitty.

A Super Burrito Could Probably Have Done More Damage

Another day, another domestic battery charge from Florida using foodstuffs. From Tampa Bay, Florida comes the story of bozo-ette Brandy Landers, 20, who got into an argument with her mother regarding the “cleanliness of the house.” One thing led to another, ending with Brandy hurling two tacos at her mother from the dining room. Mom called the cops and the officer reported that he found her sitting on the couch with “food debris” all over her and her shirt. Busted! Our bozo was charged with domestic battery, a misdemeanor, and booked into the county jail.

Hey, That Name Sounds Awfully Familiar

After thorough investigaton, Turkish police found no actual criminal activity involved here, but the bozo level is high enough to merit mention. From Cayakka, Turkey, comes the story of a man who was reported missing by his friends. Our bozo, who was in town for a construction project, went out for a night of drinking with his co-workers. The next morning his friends thought he had drunkenly wandered off into the woods and a search party was quickly organized. Meanwhile, our bozo, who had gone to a friends villa to sleep it off, awoke and noticed all the activity outside. The searchers told him they were looking for a missing man, and our bozo, being a good citizen, joined in the search. It was not until he heard other searchers calling his name that he realized “Oh, that’s me.” Police interviewed him and released him with no charges being filed.

Those Zoom Meetings Just Never Go Well

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida, where Covid 19 restrictions have led to some bozo defendants appearing before the judge via Zoom meetings. That was the case when bozo BJ Downs was called before the judge on charges of fraud and petit theft. Our bozo seemed very polite in his testimony but prosecutors recorded something that sealed his fate. Video shows our bozo shooting up while waiting to speak to the judge. Yikes! Looks like he’ll be facing further charges.

Must Have Been a Full Moon!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. This one comes under the heading of it’s always a good idea just to mind your own business. The cops had pulled over a driver on suspicion of DUI. Our bozo, who had no connection to the driver, approached the officer, began video recording the scene, and started shouting obscenities. The cop cautioned him and this seemed to further agitate our bozo, who then spat in the officer’s direction. Bad idea. He fought back as the officer tried to arrest him. Backup was called and our bozo was hauled away, charged with obstructing a police officer, assaulting a police officer, resisting arrest, and violation of probation.

The Customer Service Was So Good Last Time…

Bozo criminal for today from Fountain Valley, California, violated Bozo Rule Number 0303982: If you are a bozo, it’s never a good idea to return to the scene of the crime. It seems our unidentified 33 year old bozo walked into the Chase bank on Monday, gave the teller a note demanding cash, and exited with what was called “a large sum of money.” Success on Monday, so what do you do on Tuesday? Go back and rob the same bank again, of course! This time things didn’t work out so well. Tellers stalled our bozo until the cops arrived. He’s busted!

But Is the Catalytic Converter Still Available?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stone County, Missouri, where bozo James Cain had a catalytic converter he needed to sell. So, he placed it on his coffee table, took a picture and posted it for sale on Facebook Marketplace. Sounds like a good plan, right? Well….except for the bag of methamphetamine and the syringe in the background. Oops. A citizen reported the picture to the cops and they found him to be in possession of 48 grams of meth and a pistol he was forbidden to own. Busted! Charged with possession of a controlled substance and probation/parole violation.

Maybe He Should Have Tried Carvana

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in this one from Lake City, Florida. It seems bozo Timothy Warren successfully stole a car from the local Chrysler Dodge dealership. Guess it wasn’t exactly what he wanted as he returned to the same dealership a few days later, trying to trade it in on a new one. Not so fast, Einstein. A quick check of the VIN showed it to be stolen and a further check of the security footage ID’ed our bozo as the thief. Realizing the jig was up, he confessed and was charged with grand theft of a motor vehicle and criminal mischief.

And Why Didn’t She Just Close the Sunroof?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasco, Washington, where officers were called to a report of a disturbance in a parking lot. They found our bozo on top of a car, and reaching through the sunroof to try to hit the woman inside. Our bozo also yanked off the other woman’s wig prompting the victim to pull a gun and fire a warning shot. At this point officers were able to get the two women separated, instructing our bozo to wait in front of the patrol car. Instead of waiting quietly she hopped on the hood of the car and began twerking. That was enough. She’s under arrest on suspicion of assault

Hey, He’s Still Learning!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Kent, England. Cops in an unmarked car noticed our bozo driving erratically and when they got closer, he made an obscene hand gesture in their direction. Bad idea. They pulled him over and discovered he only had a learner’s permit license. The car was confiscated on the spot and our bozo faced a long walk home!

Maybe He Wanted To Compliment the President On the Fine Customer Service

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gilmer, Texas where our unidentified bozo walked into the First National Bank and made himself at home in one of the comfy chairs in the lobby. After a few minutes, he got up, hands in pockets, and announced to a teller that he was robbing the bank. The clerk complied and handed over $16,559 in cash. Mission accomplished, right? Well, not quite. He had one more stop to make. The corner office belonging to the bank president. He was still involved in a conversation with the president when the cops arrived. He was placed under arrest without incident.

Hey, That’s No Speedbump!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where the cops were chasing bozo Kijon Green when he ran into a crematory parking lot and stole a mortuary van. He hadn’t gone far when a body on a gurney rolled out of the back of the van. Yikes. Officers had to stop and safely secure the body before resuming the chase. The getaway vehicle eventually blew a tire and struck several other cars before coming to a stop. Our bozo ran into a nearby wooded area where the cops lost him. When he’s captured, he faces several felony charges.

Next Time You Better Bring Backup

Bozo criminal for today comes from Carrollton, Texas where our would-be thief knew exactly what he wanted. A big screen tv in an office building. Should be easy to break in and grab, right? He prepared for his theft by donning a mask and gloves. He then grabbed a landscape rock and broke in. Now, to just get that big screen off the wall. He positioned himself in front of the tv, grabbed hold, pulled, and…whoa that TV is heavier than it looks! When he got the TV off the wall, it was too much for him to handle and he went crashing to the ground, with the TV on top of him. Thinking better of the whole situation, he left empty handed. And did we mention, the whole thing was captured on security cameras? https://twitter.com/i/status/1430294727006597120

A Real “Pot” Belly

Bozo criminal for today comes from Iowa City, Iowa, where the cops were called to a disturbance at an apartment complex. Upon arrival, they discovered 19-year-old bozo Kyle Cain involved in a heated argument with another man. When he spotted the cops, our bozo attempted to simply walk away from the situation. However, one thing stood out to the officers…he had a very large bulge under his shirt near the waistline. Even as a cop yelled at him, our bozo continued to walk away and down a flight of stairs which unfortunately led to a dead end. Oops. When the cops handcuffed him, a large bag of marijuana fell from under his shirt. Double oops. He then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, saying the pot did not belong to him. Tell it to the judge. He was charged with felony and misdemeanor drug counts.