Well, No One Stopped Me, So I Thought It Was OK

Bozo criminal for today from Alpena, Michigan when to the well, or in this case, Walmart, one time too many. Bozo Matthew Alexander entered the store around 1:30 am and took several items from the electronics department, exiting through the garden department and dragging the loot to his car nearby. This worked so well, he decided to try again. Twenty minutes later, he entered the store again, grabbed a shopping cart, filled it with more electronics and again left through the garden center. Guess he got home and discovered he still had some empty space in his house so he returned again 30 minutes later and once again left with a bunch of stuff. However, this time the alert Walmart employees were onto him. Someone got the license plate number and called the cops. Police found the items, including three 50-65-inch TV’s, a drone, an AT&T cell phone, a computer building kit, a flashlight, a Schwinn bicycle, a HP Pavilion Desktop, a PS4 Racing Wheel, and a Western Digital 6TB Hard Drive at his home. He’s busted!

Step Away From the Cob and Put Your Hands Up

Bozo criminal for today comes from Zephyrhills, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. It seems our 27-year-old bozo Cody Clark had gotten into some kind of argument with his mother. So, he picked up a weapon and hurled it at her. Guess they were perhaps eating dinner at the time as the weapon he threw was a corn cob. Yep. A corn cob. No serious injuries were reported. He was arrested and charged with domestic battery.

Life In the Fast Lane

From Fort Pierce, Florida, comes our Bozo Excuse of the Week. Cops gave chase to a vehicle they saw run a red light. After a short pursuit the pickup truck pulled over and that’s when our bozo offered up this classic excuse. He said he ran the light and fled from the cops because “his pants were down.” Further investigation found that there was another passenger in the car, who was apparently performing a sex act on him at the time of the alleged offense. Crack cocaine and a crack pipe was also found in the truck. His companion was charged with drug possession and prostitution after she admitted the drugs were hers. Our bozo was sited for running a red light.

“Flex” Fuel Doesn’t Mean It Runs On Anything

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 112218: If you’re going to steal a car, be sure what type of fuel it takes. Police in Crooked River Ranch, Oregon, where police were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. It seems our bozo had threatened his stepfather with a gun, then stole a vehicle before fleeing with his girlfriend and his three year old son. Three hours later a tow truck called the police with a tip that he had been called to tow a stalled vehicle that matched the description of the stolen car. The police were able to arrest our bozo without further incident. Oh, did we forget one vital piece of information? Our bozo had noticed the car was low on fuel so instead of stopping at a gas station, he stole a gas can from a barn and put the fuel in the tank. One problem. The gas can was full of diesel fuel. And the car ran on regular gas. Oops. He’s busted, charged with menacing, pointing a firearm at another, unlawful use of a weapon, second degree burglary, third degree theft and being a felon in possession of a firearm.

Um…Some Stranger Asked Me To Wear This Lanyard, Honest

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Lincoln, Nebraska. Police were called to a residence on a report of domestic assault. Upon arrival, they were looking for the suspect, our bozo, Markel Lucas, who had two outstanding arrest warrants. They spotted a man matching our bozo’s description sitting in a car outside the residence. However, when they asked him his name, he replied that he was “Deangelo Thompson.” OK. Except for one small problem. He was wearing an ID lanyard around his neck with the name “Markel Lucas” on it. Oops. He’s busted! Charged with resisting arrest, obstructing a government operation, false reporting, child neglect and third-degree domestic assault.

So You Think It Can’t Get Any Worse Than Getting Shot in the Privates???

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this doozy from Cashmere, Washington. It seems bozo Cameron Wilcox, a convicted felon, was walking around with a pistol tucked in his pants when it discharged, sending a bullet through his testicles and into his thigh. Being a con, who cannot possess a firearm, instead of heading straight to the hospital, he had his girlfriend drive him to a park where he gave the pistol to a friend. Not sure on how he planned on explaining the gunshot wound, but his troubles multiplied once he got to the hospital. While doctors were performing surgery, a baggie of marijuana slipped out of our bozo’s anus. Strike one. Police officers were called and a search of our bozo’s car turned up a bag of methamphetamine and the blood stained jeans he had worn to the hospital. Strike two. Police declined to arrest our bozo at this point, instead instructing him to appear at a regional justice facility two weeks later. He did, and during a strip search, another balloon of marijuana slipped from his anus. Strike three. He was placed under arrest, but he wasn’t done yet. He used his phone call to tell his girlfriend not to cooperate with authorities. Of course, the call was monitored by the cops. Strike four. He’s been charged with second-degree felon in possession of a firearm, unlawful possession of meth, possession of a controlled substance in a correctional facility and tampering with a witness.

It’s Just Something About Being In Florida

Bozo criminal for today comes from Key West, Florida, where the cops only had to step out of the front door of headquarters to arrest our bozo. It seems bozos Gary Moore and Crystal Ferguson had been partying in the coastal town, consuming a pint of vodka. And, as often happens, one thing led to another and our bozos found themselves in a amorous mood. So they headed for the nearest hotel, right? Nope. Maybe to the beach? Nah. At least found a secluded area? No way. Dropped trou and began having sex on the sidewalk in front of the Key West Police Department? Right! Bozo Gary was arrested and charged with indecent exposure. Bozo Crystal was found to be severely intoxicated and was taken to the hospital for treatment.

911, What Is Your Emergency?…I’m Drunk In a Police Car

Bozo criminal for today comes from Southington, Connecticut. The cops were called to the Cadillac Ranch Restaurant there after highly intoxicated bozo Jesse Walker refused to leave the bar at closing time. Seeing that he was not a man to be reasoned with, the police loaded him into the back of a squad car to take him to jail to sober up. End of story, right? Wrong. They failed to take his cellphone and our bozo was able to dial 911 for help from the police car. Over and over and over again. You can now add interfering with an officer and abuse of the 911 system to the public intoxication charges.

Maybe Next Time, Just Steal a Plain White Van

Bozo criminals for today come from Charlotte, North Carolina, where our unidentified bozos stole a van for the “Unknown Brewing Company”, complete with big logos for the bar painted all over it. This in itself was a bad idea, but we’re sure our bozos didn’t expect what happened next. The brewery posted a picture of the stolen van on social media, along with an offer to throw a “keg party” for anyone who found it. Never underestimate the power of beer. Almost immediately, tips started to “pour” in, with a photo of the vehicle’s whereabouts being posted within 42 minutes. In honor of the van’s theft and return, the brewery is offering up a new beer, “Van Theft Auto”, which it will sell for 25 cents a pint to celebrate.

Or Maybe They Were Just Borrowing It…

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Chester, Pennsylvania, where the cops were called to a report of a large stone lion stolen from the front porch of a residence. The homeowner had a security camera which provided the police a video of the theft, which they promptly posted online. That must have done the trick, as within hours, the lion was returned, along with a bouquet of flowers and a card. “Sorry, we were supposed to take the lion on the next street over…”

Next Time Maybe Just Call Him On the Phone

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Niagara County, New York, where bozo Sharon Wilson wanted to go visit her boyfriend in jail but had no car. No problem. Call Uber, right? Wrong. Ask a friend for a ride? Nope. Steal a car and drive yourself? Sure. Things were going smoothly as she drove to the jail and parked without incident. It was when she decided to leave that her true bozo tendencies came out. She started driving recklessly around the jail parking lot which got the attention of the sheriffs. She fled the lot with the cops in hot pursuit, leading them on a high speed chase before finally being stopped in the city of Lockport when she hit a police car head-on. She is charged with possession of stolen property, reckless endangerment, fleeing a police officer, trespass, reckless driving and imprudent speed. The good news is she won’t have to drive far to visit her boyfriend next time.

Well, What’s the Point of These Self Driving Cars If You Can’t Use Them?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hillsborough County, Florida, where the cops spotted a man speeding down the highway in his new Cadillac. After being clocked at over 100 MPH, the man slowed down and then did something really strange. The officer observed him slow to around 40 MPH, open the sunroof, climb up and sit on the top of the car. After finally being stopped by the troopers, when asked about sitting on top of the car, he replied, “didn’t know about that.” He later admitted that the car was on cruise control and was basically driving itself. When faced with arrest, he told the sad story of how his wife treated him like a servant and that he would actually rather go to jail than return home to his wife. He got his wish.

Hold On, I’m Getting a Call On My Shoe

Bozo criminal for today comes from McLean, Virginia, where bozo Jennifer Holt picked one of the most secure buildings in America to try to get into. After arriving at the facility in a Lyft, she told security that she was there to talk to a recruiter. When they told her she didn’t have an appointment, she got huffy and demanded to speak to “Agent Penis.” Sorry, that agent is not in today. Officers then accompanied her to the nearest bus stop and when the bus pulled up, she said, “Do you really think I’m going to leave?” She left, but not on a bus. She’s been charged with criminal trespass.

If Only She’d Vacuumed and Made the Beds, Too

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hamden, Ohio, where bozo Cheyenne Ellis broke into a home. But once inside, she did some things the homeowner might pay her for. She sat down on the couch and played with the family dog for awhile before getting up, going to the kitchen and washing the dishes. She then let herself out and proceeded to knock on other doors in the neighborhood. Cops were called and she was found to be under the influence of drugs. She’s under arrest.

Is That a Gator in Your Pants…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Punta Gorda, Florida, where a driver was pulled over at 3:30 in the morning for driving erratically. When the cops noticed our bozo passenger was, um, a little squirmy, they asked if there was anything in the vehicle they needed to know about. And that’s when she reached down into her yoga pants and pulled out…an alligator. Yikes! Further investigation found 41 baby turtles in a backpack. Game wardens were called in and they were busted. No injuries were reported to either the gator or our bozo.

Who Knows What Would Have Happened If Someone Had Said “Hyundai”

It’s an age-old argument that has finally come to the pages of the Bozo Report. From Bedford, Virginia, comes the story of bozo Mark Thompson, who was having dinner with his girlfriend, his girlfriend’s son and the son’s girlfriend when the discussion turned to cars. And which is better, Chevy or Ford. Not sure which side of the argument our bozo comes down on, but the discussion became heated and our bozo pulled a knife. Efforts to calm everyone down didn’t work and our bozo retrieved a gun from inside the house and began threatening everyone. Several of the participants received injuries, none life-threatening, before the police arrived and took our bozo into custody. He’s been charged with felony malicious wounding, use of a firearm in the commission of a felony, and possession of a firearm by a felon following the shooting. No word on whether he was taken to jail in a Ford or Chevy.

You Know, That Red Bull Gets You Really Geeked Up!

Bozo criminal for today from Feasterville, Pennsylvania, likes Red Bull. Really likes Red Bull. It seems bozo Steven Duke grabbed several of the energy drinks and stuffed them into his backpack before walking out of the store without paying. And, of course, sometimes success breeds excess and so our bozo decided to try the same trick a second time a few days later, returning to the same store to get some more Red Bull. Only this time the store employees were on the lookout for him and called the cops. He’s busted!

But, I Thought 911 Was Supposed to Offer Help!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Tonawanda, New York. Apparently bozo Zelda Brown had had enough of her elderly boyfriend. So, she did what any bozo would do. She called 911 and asked the operator what was the best way to kill someone. Not surprisingly, cops were immediately dispatched to her home, where they found her poor boyfriend bloodied after being hit repeatedly with a VCR tape. And our bozo was now swinging around a leaf blower battery, threatening the 76-year-old man with it. She was quickly subdued and charged with endangering the welfare of an elderly person and possession of a weapon.