We Can Only Pray That It Was Declawed

Details are still coming in on this Bozo story from Atlanta, Georgia, but we couldn’t hold off any longer. Apparently a flight from Syracuse to Atlanta over the Thanksgiving holiday was delayed because a woman was breastfeeding a cat. You read that right. According to our sources, the woman in seat 13A was “swaddling the cat in a blanket, trying to get it to latch” and refused to put it back into its carrier when requested by the flight attendant. No word on any charges that may have been filed or the status of the cat.

Well, That Down Did Seem Pretty Low…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Michigan where bozo Wendy Watson wanted her ex-husband gone. And we don’t mean she wanted him to vacate the premises, she really wanted him “gone.” So, what do you do in such a situation if you don’t want to do the deed yourself? You look for someone on the internet who can perhaps help you. She thought she had hit the jackpot when she stumbled upon rentahitman.com. The site, which promised privacy and said it complied with HIPPA, which it said was “the Hitman Information Privacy & Protection Act of 1964,” would provide her with someone to do away with her ex in exchange for a down payment of $200 and $5000 when the job was done. She agreed. One problem rentahitman.com is a fake website, founded by a man who forwards any serious inquiries to the cops. When an officer showed up to take the down payment, she was placed under arrest and charged with solicitation of murder and using a computer to commit a crime.

Criminal Mastermind Captured

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Billy Majors for sending in today’s report from Pottsville, Arkansas. It seems our bozo was involved in an incident where he was fleeing from the cops on a motorcycle he had allegedly stolen. He jumped off the motorcycle and ran across Interstate 40 into a wooded area where he was able to avoid arrest. End of story, right? Wrong. Our bozo was so proud of himself that he posted details of his exploits on his Facebook page and even took a picture of a T-shirt he had made up showing the stolen motorcycle and a police flyer asking for help in finding the “criminal mastermind” who had escaped capture. Long story short, he was wanted on charges related to another incident and that investigation led to his Facebook page and the recovery of the helmet he was wearing during the chase. Busted! He’s in jail on charges of theft and fleeing arrest.

These Guys Must Have Worked At Guantanamo

Bozo criminals for today come from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where three former inmates have filed civil rights violations charges against two former jailers, alleging “torture events.” So what exactly did these jailers do? Beat the inmates? Nope? Deprive them of food? No way. Force them to listen to “Baby Shark” on a loop over and over? Yep. They allege mental and physical abuse and if you are familiar with the song, it’s hard to disagree. A jury trial is set for February.

But What About My Girlfriend?

Our bozo for today comes from the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished file. It seems our bozo, who lives in Hayes Township, Michigan, lost track of his girlfriend, so he called in a well-being check to the cops. When the officers arrived, the woman was nowhere to be found. They were questioning her father when who should show up but out bozo. Further interrogation revealed he had a felony warrant for his arrest. And to complicate things, he was in possession of methamphetamine. Busted! No word on whether his girlfriend ever turned up.

I Thought YOU Brought the Gas Mask!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. Police were called to a report of a break and enter at a residence. When they arrived, there was a strong smell of gas in the area. Upon entering, they found our two bozos inside, overcome by the gas fumes. It quickly became obvious what was going on. They were trying to steal the natural gas furnace when the gas feed became dislodged and caused the leak. Fortunately for our bozos they were revived by EMTs after they were removed from the house. The cops must have been in the Christmas spirit a little early, as our bozos were released without being charged.

Why Did He Steal a School Bus? Because It Matched His Dress, Of Course

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chelewah, Washington, where our bozo, wearing a bright yellow dress, was reported to have stolen a school bus. Deputies spotted the bus when it ran a red light and gave chase. However, when he refused to stop, they had to give up the chase due to a new state law that only allows law enforcement to pursue a fleeing vehicle if there is probable cause that a felony occurred. (Obviously some bozos making laws in Washington, but that’s another story for another time) County deputies tried to stop the bus but quickly had to give up the chase for the same reason. Later, deputies received a report of our bozo, still wearing the yellow dress, being taken into custody after using a front end loader to destroy his estranged wife’s home. Busted! Finally! Charged with theft of a motor vehicle, possession of a stolen vehicle, first-degree malicious mischief/domestic violence and attempting to elude a police vehicle.