Say, um….”Snake”

Our bozo for today is not a criminal but what he did was so monumentally stupid that we just had to include him. From Lake Elsinore, California, comes the story of a bozo who shall remain unnamed. He found a rattlesnake in his backyard so he took care of it with a hoe, right? Wrong. Instead, he draped the snake around his neck and took a selfie of himself. Our camera shy Mr. Snake responded by biting our bozo’s hand. After being rushed to the hospital, doctors say he will recover. No word on the fate of the snake.

A Cold Case. Cold Cash That Is

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from University City, Missouri. Bozo Cameron Brown walked into a bank and handed the teller a note requesting her to hand over all the cash. She complied, but apparently “all the cash” was just too much for our bozo to handle. Almost immediately upon leaving the bank our bozo began lightening his load by first dropping his red baseball cap and then tossing bills out of the sack of money as he ran. The cops had the easiest arrest ever as they simply followed the trail of bills from the bank to his hiding place in a stariwell of a nearby parking garage. After starting with thousands of dollars, he had only about $100 in dollar bills left when the officers caught him.

Next Time Get a GPS. Or a Map

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in a report this morning of a bozo who perhaps was guility of nothing but poor judgment. Very poor judgment. It seems our bozo from Sevierville, Tennessee, cruised into Washington, D.C. in a pickup full of weapons and carrying a propane tank. Then, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he flagged down a police officer and asked for directions to the White House. Noticing the truck’s contents, the officer became suspicious and asked him to wait while he ran his license plate. When it was determined that he did not have a license for the weapon he was carrying the truck was searched and a .44-caliber revoler, a .22-caliber rifle with a scope, a 7mm rifle, a knife with a 12 inch blade, ammunition boxes filled with hundreds of rounds, three percussion caps and the tank of propane were found in the vehicle. He told the cops he was moving and had everything he owned in the truck. And since he was in the area, he thought it would be interesting to visit the White House. The cops could find no reason to believe he was lying and he was charged with carrying a gun without a license and ordered to stay away from all federal buildings. Maybe he can pick up a nice brochure on his way out of town.

At Least His Heart Was In the Right Place

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stanford, Kentucky, where a police officer noticed some unusual activity going on at the local graveyard. He approached the man and told him to “step back into the light”. Our bozo replied for him to “step back into the dark.” Not a good idea. Upon further investigation the cop discovered that our obviously impaired bozo was trying to dig up a grave. He then told the cop that the grave was his father’s and he was trying to get him above ground so it would be easier for him to get to heaven. In spite of his intentions, what he was doing is illegal. He’s been charged with violating a grave, possession of marijuana and public intoxication.

This Really Blows

Bozo criminal for today comes from Apopka, Florida, where a police officer noticed a small child left alone in a parked car. When he saw our bozo exit Frogger’s Bar and Grill he began questioning her about the dangers of leaving her little boy inside the car while she went into the bar for a beer. But it was what happened next that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Since she had numerous issues with drinking and driving, her car had a built in breathalyzer that had to be blown into before the car could be started. Right in front of the officer, she asked her four-year-old to blow into it so she could start the car. Bad, bad idea. She’s now in rehab and the little boy and his father have moved out of state.

Final Score: Bus 1, Bozo 0

Bozo criminal for today comes from Winter Haven, Florida, where a public transit bus stopped at a terminal about 11:35 a.m. Our bozo got off but quickly decided he was a the wrong place and wanted to go somewhere else. One problem, the additional ride would cost $2 more. So, he dug around in his pockets and came up with the two bucks, right? Wrong. Instead, he backed up like an angry bull and ran headfirst into the glass doors of the bus. The glass was shattered and our bozo was temporarily knocked out. Video surveillance cameras show him getting up and walking away a short time later. The cops are looking for a bozo with a big goose egg on his forehead.

Get Out Of the Car…Officer?

Bozo criminal for today from St. Petersburg, Florida had big plans for a carjacking. He armed himself with a steak knife and approached his target. Yanking open the passenger door, he ordered the occupants to get out. He was more than surprised when they shouted back, “Police!”. Yep, our bozo had targed an unmarked police car, with two officers inside. He dropped his knife and attempted to flee, but, not surprisingly, didn’t get very far. He’s under arrest.

Don’t Mess With Texas Armadillos

Our bozo for today is not a criminal, but, being a native Texan, this is a story we could not pass up. From Texarkana,Texas comes the story of a bozo homeowner who shall remain unidentified. He was having problems with armadillos tearing up his lawn, so he took matters into his own hands, in the most Texas sort of way. He stepped out onto his front porch and fired three shots from his .38 revolver at the armored critter. Bad idea. The animal’s hard shell deflected at least one of the three bullets, causing it to richocet back and hit the man in the jaw. He was airlifted to a nearby hospital where he is expected to recover. No word on the fate of the armadillo.