Bozo Rule Number 3323827: Use Spell Check

Thanks to numerous Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s story from Long Island, New York. It seems bozo Robert Baxter was scheduled to face charges on theft of a Lexus and grand larceny of a truck. Things didn’t look good for him so he hatched a bozo scheme to get himself off the hook. He fled the state, had someone tell his lawyer he had died and had his fiance present a death certificate. Sounds like a solid plan, right? Well, not exactly. Whoever produced the phony death certificate supposedly issued by the New Jersey Department of Health, Vital Statistics and Registry misspelled “Registry” as “Regsitry.” Oops. Busted! He faces four years in prison if convicted.

Well, It Probably Wouldn’t Fit In the Car Anyway

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mulberry, Florida, where our unidentified went shopping at the local Walmart. She loaded several electronic items in her shopping cart before grabbing a big 65 inch Ultra HD TV. With it balanced precariously on the cart she headed, not for the checkout, but for the exit. Yep. She tried to walk out with a 65 inch TV in plain view in her cart. Needless to say, this attracted the attention of store security. When she could not produce a receipt for the TV, her accomplice grabbed the smaller electronic items and the duo fled, leaving the TV behind. They also left behind a nice picture of her on security cams. Police expect to make an arrest soon.

Motive? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Motive!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Jakarta, Indonesia. Police have arrested two former Starbucks employees after they were caught staring at a woman’s cleavage on a security camera. This would not merit entry in the bozo report except for the final line in the police report. “The police are now interrogating the men to find out their motives.” Well that shouldn’t take long.

Work On Those Bicep Curls Before Challenging Him Again

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boone County, Kentucky, where the cops were called to a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, they found our bozo had barricaded himself in his home after threatening family members and firing a couple of gunshots into the ceiling. Police determined family members had exited safely and that our bozo was alone in the house. After more than seven hours of negotiations, our bozo was finally coaxed out of the home. And just what could have possibly caused all this drama? Apparently our bozo was intoxicated and challenged his juvenile son to an arm wrestling contest. When he lost multiple times he became agitated and things went downhill from there. He’s under arrest, charged with felony charges of wanton endangerment.

A Man Can Get Bored In Alaska This Time Of the Year

With the Covid-19 outbreak holding bozo activity down a bit, Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow comes to the rescue with the story of a bozo that had apparently had enough of social distancing. Our bozo took a two by four and broke a window at the King Salmon, Alaska, fire department. Now, King Salmon is a small town and there was no one at the station at the time, so our bozo rummaged around until he found the keys to the fire truck. He didn’t even bother to open the station’s closed bay doors before he drove through. He then switched on the trucks emergency lights and headed west toward Naknek, about 15 miles away. And what was his destination? The Fisherman’s Bar. He was arrested shortly after arrival. He’s under arrest on charges of burglary, vehicle theft, criminal mischief and violating conditions of release on a previous arrest.