Dude, A Man’s Gotta Have His Skateboard

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Pierce for sending in today’s report from Troutdale, Oregon. It seems bozo Nathaniel Martinez was arrested by the cops for shoplifting. After booking, he was released, but he cops decided to confiscate his skateboard. This didn’t sit well with our bozo, and it let him to formulate his bozo plan to get it back. He returned to the police station and, finding the front door to be locked, began tugging on the handle. Surveillance cameras caught him putting his legs up against the door for extra leverage and tugging with all his might. When the handle snapped, he went flying backward, landing roughly on the ground. He then staggered to his feet and walked away, taking the broken handle as a souvenir. Unfortunately for him, the cops got a good look at his face during the attempted break-in and attempted burglary, criminal mischief and theft charges were added to the shoplifting charge.

He Was Probably Going To Invite Her Over to Watch TV

Our bozo for today from San Mateo, California is a charter member of the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. Keveen Garcia visited a local restaurant and struck up a conversation with the lovely bartender who worked there. After talking for a while, our smitten bozo gave the bartender his phone number before leaving. Apparently, the bartender was not the only thing he saw that he liked, as he returned later and broke in through the back door. Security cameras caught him stacking a TV and other electronic items by the back door. The bartender recognized our bozo and gave the cops his phone number. The cops then set up a “date” with him and when he showed up he was arrested by plainclothes officers.

Try, Try Again Is Not Always the Best Option

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tom’s River, New Jersey, where bozo Christopher Morton was released from jail after serving a 15 year sentence for robbing a shoe store. So, what was the first thing he did upon his release? Spend some quality time with his family? Nope. Maybe head to a favorite restaurant for a celebration meal? No way. Go to a bar and get drunk? Nah. Head back to the very same shoe store he had robbed 15 years earlier and rob it again? Yep. He took a bus from the prison to Tom’s River where he headed straight to the Stride Rite store and threatened the clerk, getting away with $389. He didn’t get very far, however. Cops caught up with him a few blocks away. He’s headed back to prison.

There’s an Old Fashioned Thing Called a Map…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from southern Manitoba, Canada. It seems our unidentified bozo was traveling from British Columbia to Ontario when she apparently ran afoul of her GPS system. Instead of taking her to her destination in Ontario, the GPS directed her to the Emerson border port. Confused, she asked border guards for directions to Ontario. Which would have been fine, except for the contraband she was carrying. After noticing her acting a little strange, guards decided to search her vehicle and found six Ziploc baggies full of marijuana. Oops. She’s busted!

He Definitely Isn’t the Brightest Bulb

Bozo criminal for today comes from Deltona, Florida, where bozo Ramon Garcia had a thriving marijuana growing operation. Things were going so well, in fact, that our bozo kept adding on to his grow rooms, adding more and more plants and powerful lights to make the plants thrive. Guess he finally added one light too many, as power company crews were called to the neighborhood after a report of a power outage. The crews replaced a blown transformer fuse only to have the new one blow moments after the installation. They then traced the source of the big power drain to our bozo’s residence where they dicovered a small fire in the home’s meter box and several extra wires siphoning more power into the home. Cops were called and our bozo was busted as he tried to dispose of part of the 51 plants he had growing inside by throwing them over a fence in his back yard. He’s busted!

Guess They Didn’t “Like” His Post

Again today we have another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. From the International File in Rotherham, England, comes the story of bozo Ashley Carson who broke into a residence and stole a car, electronics and some jewelry. Not content with just making a clean getaway, our bozo took a SIM card stolen from the house and used it to take a “selfie” with his own phone during the robbery. He then posted the photo on the whatsapp messenger application. Unfortunately, he also unknowingly sent the picture to some of the victim’s friends. The friends recoginzed the stolen merchandise and called the cops. He’s busted!

She Just Didn’t Have a Thing To Wear!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clarendon, Virginia, where bozo Charles Harper was booked into jail. But Charles isn’t the bozo here. Instead, it’s his wife, Mary, who showed up at the jail for a little visit. Which would have been OK, except she showed up at the jail naked and drunk. When the officers told her to put clothes on or get in a cab and go home, she refused. Bad idea. She’s been charged with indecent exposure and being drunk in public. And, no, she didn’t get to see her husband.

Could Have Been Worse, He Could Have Tattooed “Bang” Also

There is no criminal activity involved in today’s story, and it’s even questionable whether there are any bozos involved, but it’s a story we just couldn’t pass up. Tree removal workers in Norridgewock, Maine, called the cops to report that a man armed with a gun had threatened them and ordered them to get off his property. The workers said the shirtless man, with a gun tucked into the waistband of his pajama bottoms, had come out of his house and yelled at them to leave. The cops, armed with assault rifles and talking through megaphones, approached the house and knocked on the door of the residence. They were greeted by a shirtless man with a gun tucked into his pajama bottoms. Except the “gun” was a tattoo of a weapon strategically placed as waist level so it looked like a real gun was tucked into his pants. Oops. No harm, no foul. Cops told him to go back to bed.

Maybe It’s Some Sort of New Diet Plan

Bozo criminal for today from Newington, Connecticut proves that some people will do just about anything to get a banana. Store surveillance footage shows our bozo drive his Ford Freestyle up to the front door of a convenience store and repeatedly ram the doors until he was able to crash through. He then got out, picked up a single banana, ate it, and drove away. Police say nothing else was taken. They’re looking for a car with damage to the rear bumper and a driver with bananas on his breath.

So Maybe He Saw the Judge as a Potential Customer

Today we check the to-do list of bozo Te’Mon Martin from Hamilton, New Jersey. 1. Get up early, brush teeth, take shower. 2. Find something to wear to scheduled court appearance. 3. After getting dressed, grab other things you might need…keys, ID, $400 in cash, 43 bags of heroin. Well, maybe he should have re-thought at least part of number 3. After arriving at court, officers discovered his contraband and he was placed under arrest.

Next Time Say You’re Going To See a Sick Friend

Our bozo criminal for today proves once again that honesty is not the best policy if you’re a bozo. From Fort Pierce, Florida, comes the story of bozo Alberto Martinez who was pulled over by the cops for speeding. When the cop asked him why he was going so fast, our bozo replied that he was “on his was to kill his friend for screwing him over”. Sorry, but that’s not on the list of acceptable excuses. And he added to his problems when he fell out of the truck when asked to step out to perform a field sobriety test. He’s under arrest.

You’re Supposed to THROW Them

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Houston, Texas. Our bozo walked up to a man in a Cadillac and tried to shake him down for money. To emphasize he was serious, he lit a molotov cocktail and then proceeded to stand over it while continuing to demand cash. Not a good idea, as the cocktail soon burst into flames, sending our bozo scurrying away. Based on information given to them by the vicitm, cops hope to arrest our singed bozo soon.

An Unexpected Benefit of the Selfie Craze

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bay City, Michigan, where bozo Jules Boyd pulled off a series of bank robberies after threatening the tellers with an imposing automatic weapon. It was what he did after the successful robberies that got him busted. Apparently he was so proud of his big gun that he just couldn’t resist posting a selfie of himself with the weapon on his Facebook page. He also mentioned that he had purchased the gun recently in the area. Bad idea. Cops looking at the picture realized the weapon matched a description of the one used in a bank robbery in Bay City the previous day. Oops. He’s busted!

A Simple “Thank You” Would Have Been Safer

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Paris, France, where two bozos followed the manager of a jewelry store to her home, tied her up and demanded that she give them the codes to the store’s alarm system and safes. After the terrified woman gave them the information, our bozos untied her, and, as they were leaving, one of them gave her a kiss on the cheek. The woman called the cops and, after telling the story, one of the officers swabbed her cheek to see if our bozo had left a DNA sample. He had. And it turns out he was a wanted man and his DNA was in the national genetic database. They’re busted!

At Least He Didn’t Put His Eye Out

Bozo criminal for today comes from Des Moines, Iowa, where our unidentified bozo walked into the local Taco John’s restaurant. Approaching the counter, he said, “Give me everything you got” and pointed a gun a the clerk. The clerk took one look at the weapon, and said, “I don’t have anything for you, and besides, that’s a BB gun.” Our bozo denied it was a BB gun and then proceeded to rack the slide and fire the gun, which apparently contained no BBs. Thinking better of his plan, our bozo turned tail and ran.

Walter White Never Had This Problem

Bozo criminal for today comes from Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where police were called to the local McDonalds with a report of a man sleeping in his car. Upon further investigation, the cops discovered the man was naked from the waist down. While they were trying to awaken him, they asked if there was anything they should be concerned with in his vehicle. And that’s when he gave them the Bozo Answer of the Week. He said, “There might be a meth lab in my car.” He wasn’t kidding…when the officer opened the back door a “gasser bottle” fell out. He’s busted!

Next Time Use “Password” Like Everyone Else

We are going to take the day off today from reporting on Bozo Criminal activity and give you a report from the Internal Affairs Department. There was no crime committed here but the ineptness detailed is certainly criminal. From New Delhi, India, comes the story of India’s Central Vigilance Commission, an agency set up to fight corruption. It seems this organization set up a system where citizens could report crimes online. Good idea, except for one thing. Somewhere along the way, the administrators forgot the password to access the citizens’ reports. And, try as they might, no one could figure out the password. And did we mention that the password was lost in 2006? Yep, they have an 8 year backlog of crime reports to go through now that someone has finally cracked the password. At this point, they promise to investigate all complaints, but can give no estimated date of completion.

Um, That’s “Walk It Off”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where bozo Michael Martin was pulled over by the cops for speeding on U.S. 1. After a brief conversation, the cop noticed Martin had glassy eyes and slurred speech and inquired if he had been drinking. He confirmed that he had a few drinks following an argument with his wife. And as for why he was behind the wheel…that’s the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officer that he knew he was drunk and was trying to “drive it off.” Bad, bad idea. After failing a sobriety test he was arrested on a DUI charge.

What, No Recipe For Salisbury Steak?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salisbury, Massachusetts where bozo Kevin Grier was pulled over after the cops noticed him driving erratically. When the cop asked him to present proof of registration, our bozo reached into the glove box and handed to the cop…a recipe for beef short ribs. Oops. He’s been charged with driving with a suspended license, improper registration and failure to dim headlights.

This Worked Better in the Video Game

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Ipswich, Australia, where an unidentified bozo attempted to rob a 7-Eleven in a scene right out the video game Dead Rising. Armed with a running chainsaw and wearing a flower pot over his head, he stormed into the store and demanded cash. After the clerks sought shelter in the back , he turned his attention on the store fixtures, chainsawing a window and several display racks, before dropping his pants and mooning the clerks. He then grabbed a bottle of soda and left. The cops were called and found our bozo walking down the street near the store. He’s under arrest.