And There Was a Lion Who Saw It All and Didn’t Do a Thing To Help

Our bozo for today comes from Madison, Wisconsin, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance between two men. When they arrived, they found our bozo, bruised and beaten, suffering broken teeth and a gash to the head. It was his explanation for the injuries that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops he had been minding his own business when, out of nowhere, he was attacked by a hippopotamus. Yep. a hippo. In Wisconsin. Further investigation revealed that our bozo had been drinking heavily, no surprise, and had gotten into an altercation with another man. He’s been charged with public intoxication.

Where’s the Raid?

Our bozo for today form Center Line, Michigan, had no criminal charges filed against him but his insect extermination skills certainly landed him in the Report. Our unidentified bozo was filling up his car at a service station when he noticed a spider hanging out on the fuel door. So what did he do to get rid of it? Squash it? Nope. Flick it off? No way. Take out his cigarette lighter and attempt to set it afire? Yep. What he succeeded in doing was set the gas pump on fire, sending flames onto his car’s side and on the pavement. The clerk shut off the pump and a fire extinguiser was used to put out the fire, but not before the pump was completely destroyed. No word on the fate of the spider.

A Not So Sweet Idea

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Albans, Vermont, where Christopher Pope had what many would think would be a dream job, working in a chocolate factory. Apparently, he didn’t think so and he came up with a bozo plan to get himself fired. He stole a cellphone from a co-worker and called in a bomb threat using a different worker’s name. He then tossed the cellphone into a toilet tank. Since he went to all this trouble to keep his identity a secret, we’re not exactly sure how he thought this would get him fired. Maybe he just had confidence in the detective work of the police force. When the cops did get around to questioning him, he quickly confessed and said he did it to get himself terminated. It worked. He probably didn’t figure he would also be charged with false public alarm, petit larceny and unlawful mischief.

I Said Make Sure the Knot Doesn’t Slip, Not Tie a Slip Knot!

Bozo criminals for today from Louisville, Kentucky, used a tried and true method to escape from prison. Or maybe we should say they “tried” to use it. In something straight out of any number of old movies and TV shows, our bozos tied bed sheets together in an attempt to climb down four floors to make their escape. Bozo number one had only made it a short distance before one of the knots came loose, dropping him about 20 feet. Bozo number two saw the error of his ways and didn’t attempt to flee. Bozo two is back in custody while bozo one recuperates from back and ankle injuries in the hospital.

Assault With a Meaty Weapon

Bozo criminal for today comes from Danville, Kentucky, were police were called to the Kentucky State BBQ Festival after a report of an altercation. Upon investigation, they found an argument had broken out between two of the contestants, who were sharing a cooker. The dispute escalated to the point where bozo Mike Anderson threw a hot brisket at the woman he was arguing with. Even though he admitted he “didn’t want anyone to get hurt” he faces a misdemeanor charge of wanton endangerment.

Maybe the Twin Will Be Willing to Do the Time For Him.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Allentown, Pennsylvania, where bozo Steve Farr was on trial for robbing 10 convenience stores when he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He denied committing the crimes in spite of the fact that his face was clearly shown on several surveillance tapes. He said it was in fact his “evil twin” that pulled off the heists. The jury wasn’t buying it. He’s been sentenced to 62 to 124 years.

And He Stops at all the Stop Signs, Too

Bozo criminal for today comes from Denham Springs, Louisiana, where bozo Jake Ward saddled up his trusty steed Sugar and headed down to the local daiquiri shop. After downing a few refreshing beverages, he climbed back aboard Sugar and headed for home. Bad idea. The cops spotted him and issued him a citation for disturbing the peace by public intoxication. And as for the reason he decided to use the horse as his means of transportation, his Bozo Excuse was ,”The horse knows his way home.”

I’m Still Waiting For a Dial Tone

Bozo criminals for today come from Columbus, Ohio, where a team of bozos had a plan. They used large rocks to break the glass of the back door of a Verizon store. Once inside, they cut or ripped numerous cellphones from the store’s displays. Obviously they had big plans to sell the valuable phones. What they didn’t realize was that all the phones they took are for display purposes only and don’t actually work. Oops.

I Told You We Sholuld Have Turned Left, Not Right!

Bozo Criminals for today come from Roswell, Georgia, where three bozos donned masks and gloves and broke into the local pharmacy around 3:30 am. Things quickly went awry went the burglar alarm was tripped. An officer on patrol heard the alarm and arrived in time to apprehend one of our bozos, while the other two got away. They didn’t get very far, as their escape route led them to a locked gate. The gate was the rear of the parking lot of the Roswell Police Department. Oops. They’re under arrest.

Burglary Checklist: Pry Bar, Keys, Cellphone

Bozo criminal for today comes from Twin Falls, Idaho, where the cops were called to a report of a break-in at a residence. The cops found a strange car parked behind the property and a cellphone and a set of keys laying on the bed. Things got even easier for the police a few minutes later when someone dropped off bozo Caleb Furr at the scene. He walked up and offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the police he had loaned his car to a friend and the keys got locked inside. After he had no explanation for why his cellphone and his keys were inside the house, he confessed to the crime and two other burglaries.

The Return of Selfiegate!

Our bozos for today again weren’t involved in any criminal activity but once again prove that the combination of selfie and bozo can be a dangerous one. From New Haven, Connecticut, comes the story of a pair of bozos who spotted a raging fire in a dumpster. Carefully positioning themselves for the perfect shot, they were taking a selfie video when the fire department arrived in the background to extinguish the blaze. And as luck would have it, they were also directly in line for an errant squirt from the fire department’s hose, which brought the selfie video to a quick and unexpected end.

Old Habits Die Hard

Bozo criminal for today comes from Royalton, Vermont, where a trooper almost couldn’t believe his eyes when he clocked bozo Robert Hampton pass him on the Interstate doing 112 mph and weaving in and out of traffic. When the cop finally got him pulled over and told him the speed limit there was 65, the Bozo Excuse of the Week was offered up. He told he officer he was late for an appearance in court…to take care of a speeding ticket. He should mark his calendar. He’ll be making another trip to court.

The Next Problem Was Coming Up With the Downpayment

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Magnitogorsk, Russia where a pair of bozos had a plan. They obtained a couple of garden spades and, over the course of several days, were able to dig a tunnel under a security fence and escape custody. Once they squeezed through the narrow passageway, they needed transportation. So, they headed to the local Jaguar dealership and told the salesperson they were in the market for a “grown up car.” Now, a Jaguar definitely fills that bill. But instead of taking them for a test drive, the suspcious salesperson called the cops. Why? Did we forget to tell you that our bozos were a couple of five-year-olds and the facility they tunneled out of was their kindergarten? They were released into protective custody of their parents and the “warden” of the kindergarten has been given administrative notice.

He Should Have Taken the Stairs

Bozo criminal for today comes from Laurel, Delaware, where 19-year-old bozo Michael Carson thought it would be fun to break into a local middle school after hours. He had fun riding down the hallways on a buffing machine and even grabbed a letterman jacket and put it on. He was having so much fun that he thought he’d go and explore upstairs. So, he hopped on the elevator and hit the “up” button. And that’s when his troubles began. The elevator malfunctioned and he was stuck between floors. Seeing no way out, he did what any bozo would do. He called 911 for help. Our bozo was freed, and also charged with third degree burglary, criminal mischief and theft.

You Left the Keys In the Ignition???

Bozo criminal for today comes from Anchorage, Alaska, where troopers acting a tip showed up at a pawn shop where a man wanted on parole violations was reported to be shopping. Their tip was correct and they placed him under arrest and loaded him into the patrol car. End of story, right? Wrong. A passing motorist stopped and the passenger got out and started talking to the officers. While they were distracted, the driver, who also happened to be our bozo’s wife, jumped behind the wheel of the police cruiser and sped away. Not the smartest plan. Cops were able to track down the abandoned vehicle and received another tip as to our bozo’s whereabouts. He’s under arrest and she’s been charged with vehicle theft, hindering prosecution and criminal mischief

Simmer Down, Leatherface

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in St. John’s, Nefoundland, Canada, where police officers were called to a report of a disturbance at the courthouse. When they arrived, they found something out of a Grade B horror movie. Bozo Jason Carter was standing outside the building with a revving chainsaw. He was taken into custody before he could do any damage to himself or the courthouse. After it was determined that he was upset about a pending court date, he was charged with possession of a dangerous weapon and assaulting an officer.

Viagra 1, Justice System 0

Our bozo criminal for today is indeed not a criminal and in fact gets a tip of the ol’ Bozo hat. From Grand Rapids, Michigan, comes the story of a prostitution sting set up by the local cops, with an officer posing as a hooker. Much to their surprise, who should strike up a conversation with the fake undercover cop but our 87 year old bozo. He was given a citation by the cops but the county prosecutor refused to prosecute, saying an 87 year old man “earned a pass.” And we should give credit where it’s due. This information comes to us courtesy of the local TV station, appropriately named WOOD-TV.

But I Thought You Wanted To Be My Friend

Day three of Selfiegate continues on the Bozo Criminal Report with this one from St. Charles, Illinois. It seems our unidentified bozo had been “conditionally” offered a job at a local company. While he was waiting on the official word that he had the job our bozo texted a nude photo of himself to the human resources manager. The HR person didn’t have the cell number so he had no idea where the picture came from until our bozo used the phone to call him and ask about the status of the job. Oops. Even though he said the picture was intended for someone else and the company decided not to press charges, they did rescend the offer of employment.

Their Punishment? Make ’em Walk the Plank

Another day, another selfie problem for our Bozos. From Norwalk, Connecticut, comes the story of bozos Renny Abraham and Julia Lopez who picked up a bag of fast food burgers and headed down to a nearby marina to enjoy them. Once there, however, their attention turned from the burgers to the boats. They found one particularly good looking yacht and decided they would sneak on board, enjoy their burgers and take a few selfies. What they didn’t count on was the family of five that was asleep on board. The flash awakened one family member who startled our bozos and they left in such a rush that they left their sack of burgers behind. Police officers were able to use the receipt, which was still inside the bag, to track down and arrest our bozos, charging them with criminal trespass and breach of peace.