Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where the cops tried to pull bozo Imani Foster over on charges of illegal window tint and a fake vehicle registration. Instead of stopping, our bozo sped up and led the officers on a chase down I-77, crashing into several police cruisers. At one point, the cops surrounded the car, demanding that she exit the vehicle. Instead, she floored it, running into other cars in the process and barely missing an officer. She was finally apprehended when she hit a curb and then crashed into a light pole. Shaken up, but not harmed, she then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She was speeding and refused to stop because she was “on my way to work.” She’s going to be late today. She’s been charged with felonious assault and failure to comply.
Month: March 2019
Bozo criminal for today comes from Dundee, Florida, where bozo Brian Alexander was scheduled to show up for his regular shift at Hardees. Bottom line is, he just really didn’t want to go to work, so he did what any bozo would do. He called 911 to report a fake robbery, saying two gun-carrying men took his necklace, money and his phone before jumping into a car and driving away. Unfortunately, he had no evidence to prove it and the cops quickly determined he was lying. He’s been charged with abuse of the 911 system and giving false information to law enforcement. But at least he didn’t have to go to work!
Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 658303: After stealing something, it’s best to keep a low profile. Our bozos somehow stole a hot air balloon in Bloomington, Indiana. And we’re talking one of those flame powered, multi colored, BIG balloons. So, once you’ve stolen a hot air balloon, what do you do with it? You fly it, of course. And that’s what our bozos did, at a festival in Florida. Cops in Florida had been alerted that the balloon in question might be in their jurisdiction and were in attendance at the festival. After a quick investigation proved it was the stolen balloon, it was confiscated and returned to the original owner. No word on what charges, if any, will be filed, or why our bozos stole the balloon.
We are always amazed at the lengths bozos will go to to sneak contraband into prison but our story for today from Guys Marsh prison in Dorset, England tops them all. Guards noticed something strange when making their morning rounds in the prison yard. The bodies of three dead rats near the prison wall. Further inspection found that these rats looked very bloated. And on their stomachs were long stitches. Hmmmm. One of the officers did a quick surgery on the rat and found it had been disemboweled and and stuffed with contraband. They found the three rats to be filled with five mobile phones and chargers, three SIM cards, cigarette papers and a large amount of drugs including cannabis and a synthetic substitute as well as tobacco. At this point no one has ratted on who might be responsible for the contraband filled rodents.
Bozo criminals for today come from Birmingham, Alabama, where two bozos burst into the local Family Dollar store wielding swords, demanding money and threatening everyone in the store. It was then that the store manager sprang into action. In a scene right out of the Indiana Jones movies, he came out of his office and confronted our sword swinging bozos with a gun. Fortunately for our bozos, unlike Indiana, he didn’t shoot them on the spot. Thinking better of their plan, the turned tail and ran out the door. Police are hoping video footage leads to their arrest.
Today’s bozo from the International File in London, England, violated so many bozo rules we’ve lost count. First, that rule about making your disguise something that doesn’t draw attention to yourself. Fail. Bozo Jacob Rogers donned a full body pink and white unicorn costume before walking into a convenience store, smashing one of the registers with a crowbar and demanding cash from the clerk. He got some cash and fled to a waiting getaway car and that’s where the next bozo rule comes into play. The one about having a skilled getaway driver. Fail. Police spotted a car matching the getaway vehicle’s description and gave chase. That’s when our bozo driver lost control, crashed into a mailbox, careened off a light pole, through some shrubbery before finally encountering a boulder. The big rock caused the car to bounce, pinball-like, across the road, coming to a stop after crashing into a tree. After being hospitalized to treat their injuries, our bozos were charged with armed robbery, robbery, first and second degree assault, theft, and destruction of property
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending this one in from the International File in Derbyshire, UK. Bozo number one was involved in a minor fender bender with bozo number two. After getting into a disagreement over who was at fault, bozo number one, suspecting that bozo number two was drunk, called the cops to sort out the situation. Good idea, right? Well, not necessarily. When the police arrived, they administered a breathalyzer test to both bozos and guess what they found? Both were drunk. Right, bozo number one had apparently forgotten he was drunk when he called the cops to complain about bozo number two being drunk. They’re both busted!
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 223844: It’s not a good idea to buy a million dollar house when you’re collecting welfare. From Scotts Valley, California, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who was under investigation for receiving fraudulent welfare payments going back more than ten years. In the course of the investigation, they discovered our welfare recipient had purchased a house valued at $1.1 million. Then, they found evidence he was selling cannabis products online. Uh-oh. A search warrant was issued and inside the home were found 115 marijuana plants, 90 pounds of processed pot for resale, $115,000 in cash, 10 pounds of cannabis resin and 1100 vape pen cartridges containing cannabis resin. Stop those welfare payments stat! He’s busted!
Over the years on the Bozo Criminal Report we’ve reported many dumb crimes but today’s defies explanation. From the International File in Devon, England, comes this unusual police report. The theft of a dog poop bin from a busy pedestrian area. Cops say our bozo unscrewed the container, which was clearly labeled “Dog Waste Only.” from its mounting bracket and carried it away. And the bin was in use at the time, so it was most likely full of, uh, poop. At this time, cops have no lead, but are hoping to follow their noses to an arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bellevue, Washington, where our bozo went to a lot of trouble to make fake plates for his car. They were professionally printed with the word “Private” serving as the license plate number and “Peace on Earth” and “No Drivers License or Insurance Required” printed on them. Not surprisingly this attracted the attention of the local police. When our bozo was pulled over he claimed to be a member of the “Sovereign Citizen” movement who believe basic things like laws don’t apply to them. He added to his problems by refusing to exit the vehicle, and refusing to provide registration or insurance information or any kind of identification. And a quick check revealed the car’s title had never been transferred. Mr. Citizen will have to take it up with the judge. He’s been charged with obstructing an officer and criminal traffic offenses, and his car was taken off to the impound.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville, Florida, where bozo Gardinia Mays walked up to the desk at the Ace Rent a Car and requested a vehicle. When she was told that there were no cars available, she did what any bozo would do. She walked into the parking lot and, finding one with the keys in it, climbed in and drove off, stopping at the Travelodge less than a mile away. It was when the cops arrested her when she offered up the Bozo Excuses of the Week. First, “Y’all talking about how y’all didn’t have any cars to rent so I stole y’all’s (expletive).” And then, the ultimate excuse, “Demons told me to do it, I didn’t take it, the demons took it.” Sorry, those excuses don’t work. She’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Castelnuovo Magra, Italy, had big plans. They would steal a 17th Century painting from the Santa Maria Maddalena Church, valued at $3.4 million and, after fencing it, be set for life. Unfortunately, at least one of the thieves had a big mouth and had been talking about the heist around town. Word spread quickly and it got back to the police, who developed a plan of their own. They swapped out the original with a fake. And when the day came for the big theft, our bozos didn’t notice the difference and took the bogus one. And the cops also installed some cameras, which they hope will lead them to the arrest of our bozos.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Houlton, Maine. It seems that Bozo brothers Damien and Bailey Wilson, ages 22 and 21 respectively, were interested in survivalism and, according to their father, liked to do “different” things. They came up with a real doozy this time. Our bozos, who reside in Canada, thought that it would be fun to see if they could drive from Canada to Mexico without making any stops for fuel. So the first thing to do is buy a modern fuel efficient car, right? Wrong. Instead they bought a blue 1967 Buick Skylark with no certificate of registration, legal documents or license plates. Bad idea number one. The second part of the plan, to make no stops for fuel, required loading 21 jugs of gasoline in the back seat and trunk. Bad idea number two. The third part of the plan was to avoid detection by using only back roads. So they purchased a bunch of old fashioned paper maps. Bad idea number three. They didn’t even get out of Canada before they found themselves approaching one of the busiest US/Canada crossings. Our bozos then just froze, stopping their car car in the middle of the road. As you can imagine, a 1967 Buick loaded with jugs of gasoline caused quite a stir at the border crossing. Drones, helicopters, police dogs and a SWAT team were called in. Our bozos were taken into custody and, after their father corroborated their strange story, were sentenced to three months in prison for obstructing law enforcement.
Bozo criminal for today comes from East Deer Township, Pennsylvania, where bozo Clayton Mitchell was a passenger in a car pool vehicle. It was a normal day until the driver started singing. Christmas songs. In March. When this continued for a while, our bozo finally had all he could take and reached over the seat and attempted to choke out our would-be Bing Crosby. Another passenger called the cops and, after an altercation, our bozo was placed under arrest and charged with aggravated assault, among other offenses. Our bozo singer was advised to keep his holiday spirit to himself.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Patna, India, where a jewelry store owner noticed a pair of valuable diamond earrings was missing from the display case. Since there hadn’t been any suspicious customers, his first thought was perhaps one of his employees had pilfered the diamonds. So, he decided to check security footage. And sure enough, the thief was caught red-handed. Or perhaps red-footed. The tape showed a large rat prowling the store after hours. The rat took a liking to a particular pair of earrings and was seen carrying them back into the ceiling. The investigation continues, but at this time, neither rat nor earrings has been found.
Bozo criminal for today comes from North Palm Beach, Florida, where bozo Shane Moore stole a bag of coins from an office. Now, if you’re a bozo who suddenly finds yourself in possession of a bunch of coins, what do you do? First, you try to sell what you can. Then, if you find no takers, you head down to the local grocery store and run them through the change machine to convert them to cash. Good plan, right? Wrong. Most of these coins were collectable, worth in excess of $33,000. And the machine only gave him face value. Plus it took out a service fee for doing the job. And took a picture to help the cops ID him. He’s busted!
Bozo criminals for today come from Silver Spring, Maryland, where our bozos had a plan for stealing an ATM from a local convenience store. First, they used their pickup to smash through the front windows of the store. Then, security cameras show three masked bozos jump out of the truck and enter the store with a hand truck. The ATM is heavier than they expected and our bozos struggle to get the machine on the truck. One bozo is not doing his part and receives a punch on the arm from the head bozo, encouraging him to get to work. In the meantime, the getaway driver gets nervous and decides to leave on his own. Finally, our bozos get the ATM out the door, only to have it fall off the dolly and onto one of the suspects. It was at this time that they realize their ride has left. Deciding that it just wasn’t worth the effort, our bozos scatter, with one of them coming back a short time later to grab the hand truck. Police are looking for suspects.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Cuyahoga County, Ohio, where Bozo David Carter had just received his guilty verdict on charges of domestic violence and destruction of property. It was after the judge issued his sentence that he secured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. His lawyer turned to our bozo to say a few words and the next thing he knew he was being helped up by court officers. Yep, our bozo had punched his lawyer in the face. Bad idea. He now faces more charges on top of the 47 years in prison he had just received. The lawyer suffered only minor injuries.
Our bozos for today come from Butler County, Ohio. And we would like to thank the sheriff of Butler County for outlining the Bozo Rules that were broken by this bozo couple. Bozo Rule #334479: Don’t park in a handicapped space anywhere, especially at the sheriff’s office, if you are not handicapped. And don’t park in front of the Sheriff’s personal car when you do so. Bozo Rule #773928: When an officer tells you to move your illegally parked vehicle, don’t jump out of the car and run away. Bozo Rule #209383: Do not jump into a strangers vehicle and tell them you need a ride because you have warrants against you. Bozo Rule #456093: Do not come to the sheriff’s office with your car loaded with stolen items and do any of the above. That’s exactly what happened to our bozos, who are now under arrest on numerous charges, including outstanding warrants.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Honolulu, Hawaii. We have all felt frustration over having to go to jury duty but our bozo took it a little too far. Bozo Jacob Morrison didn’t want to have to spend all day on jury duty, so during a break he began shouting, “He is guilty, he is guilty,” outside a courtroom. Bad idea. He wasn’t selected for the jury but he was placed under arrest for contempt of court and ordered to spend the night in jail.