Just Go Home and Watch Cinemax

Bozo criminal for today just wanted to have a little fun, and when he didn’t get it, he called the cops. From Butte, Montana, comes the story of bozo William Martin who went to the local gentleman’s club and paid $350 for a private dance. He got that, but it seems he was expecting more. Lots more. And when the stripper refused his request, our bozo called the cops to register a consumer complaint. Bad idea. After questioning, he was charged with offering money for sexual favors, a misdemeanor.

This Is Not What They Mean By Self Checkout

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where bozo Michael Jones was due to meet with his probation officer. However, there was one small problem…he had no transportation. So he called a cab, right? Wrong. Hitchhiked? Nah. Walked? Nope. Went to Walmart and stole a motorized shopping cart? Correct-amundo! When the officer asked him where he got the cart, he fessed up to the theft. He’s now been charged with larceny and receiving stolen property.

Who Moved the Cheese?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Muhlenberg Township, Pennsylvania, where bozo Elijah Edwards likes Swiss cheese. Really likes Swiss cheese. Police believe he may be a serial Swiss cheese thief responsible for a number of thefts from local markets. He was busted when he visited the local Giant Food Store, where he stuffed four logs of cheese into his pants. A security guard stopped him when he noticed him “waddling when he walked.” When he was asked if he had Swiss cheese in his pants, he came up with the classic Bozo response, “What cheese?”. An unfortunate officer was called to search his pants and our bozo was arrested.

But You’re Supposed To Never Forget

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Houston, Texas, where police were called to a report of a break in at a residence. Our thief was nowhere to be found, but the surveillance video that was left behind ensured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. The footage showed him squeezing his way into the house through a doggie door. Apparently he found what he was looking for, as he was seen a short time later leaving with a bicycle he found in the garage. Cameras then showed him trying to ride away on the bike, getting his foot caught in the rear tire and falling off. Quickly seeing the error of his ways, he left the bike behind and fled on foot. Police are on the lookout for our bozo, armed with some very clear video footage.

Wonder If They Were Twins?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in our story of Bozo Brothers today. From Jonesboro, Arkansas, comes the story of bozos Brandon and David Brown who were arrested on charges of meth possession. David was able to post bond, but his brother remained jailed with a parole hold. Happy to be out, our bozo kept things on the straight and narrow, right? Wrong. He didn’t realize that all incoming phone calls are monitored when he called his incarcirated brother to tell him tha he was going to mail him some meth, hidden under the label on an envelope. The cops intercepted the letter and both are Bozo Brothers are now in jail.

Next Time Invest in a Trailer and a Tarp

Bozo criminal for today comes from Swansboro, North Carolina where Ryan Mullins targeted a Family Care Pharmacy for a big heist. His plan was to steal the big safe, which he assumed was full of prescription drugs. Somehow, he got it out of the business, but now how to get it home? How about tie a rope around it and drag it behind the car? Sounded like a good idea to the bozo mind. The flaw in the plan was the route he took home, which ended up with him driving right past a police officer, with the safe in tow. Un-oh. He’s busted.

Well, Maybe the Shoes Were Open-Toed

Bozo criminal for today comes from Riverside, California, where bozo Tiffany Walker was working at a local grocery store. She claimed she had injured her foot on the job, fracturing her toe and limiting her ability to stand at work. The injury was deemed severe enough for her to take off her job and begin drawing worker’s compensation benefits. But apparently the injury was not severe enough to keep her from chasing her dream of winning the Miss Toyota Long Beach Grand Prix Beauty Contest. She posted videos of herself on You Tube strutting in high heels and showing no evidence of her injury. Not the best plan. She’s been charged with fraud and could receive up to a year in jail if convicted.

Honestly, Officer, Just Make Him Go Away!

Bozo criminal for today from Seattle, Washington, got a little more than she bargained for when she stole a cell phone. It all started on a city bus when our unidentified bozo spotted a man napping with his cell phone on his lap. She grabbed the phone and fled along with her boyfriend, with the man in hot pursuit. He caught up with them and, after a brief scuffle, our bozo did something that would only make sense to the bozo mind. She called 911 to report that the man she had stolen a cell phone from wouldn’t leave her alone. Investigating officers found her to be in possession of the stolen phone, along with three grams of crack. She’s under arrest.

Guess Motel 6 Just Wasn’t In His Budget

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stratford, Connecticut, where bozo Nick Carlton was booked on charges of stealing a car and was released on bail. It must have been a very exhausting experience for our bozo, as he walked out of the police station and immediately began searching for a place to take a nap. The first thing he came across was an empty police car parked in front of the station house. Finding it unlocked, our bozo climbed in, stretched out and was soon fast asleep. His peaceful slumber didn’t last long, as officers noticed him and drug him back inside the station. You can add new charges of breaking and entering to his rap sheet.

Does He Get To Keep the Trophy?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elizabeth City, North Carolina, where Bradley Haynes got wind of a big donut eating contest that was being sponsored by the local police department. And since he was a big fan of the tasty treats, he decided to enter. He quickly downed eight donuts in the two minutes time frame, easily defeating everyone else, including several police officers who also took part. End of story, right? Wrong. It seems bozo Bradley was a wanted man. The cops had been trying to find him for nine months on suspicion of break-ins at two local businesses. He’s busted!

At Least He’s Persistent

Bozo criminal for today from Woodbridge, New Jersey forgot Bozo Rule Number 101096: The old “if at first you don’t succeed” adage doesn’t apply to bozos. James Perdue entered the Forge Inn armed with a knife and attempted to rob the clerk. He ran off without getting any money. Undaunted, he went to the La Bonbonniere bakery, and, again failing in his robbery attempt, stole $2 from the tip jar. He regrouped the next day and went to the Hess gas station, again armed with a knife. Again, he left empty handed. He then headed over to a 7-11 store. Same result. Left empty handed. But this time, the cops were in the vicinity and were able to apprehend our hopeless bozo. The final score: Take: $2; Bail: $50,000.

The Old Itchy Stomach Excuse

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where Patrick Silva walked into a convenience store. That much we know, the other details are sketchy. Our bozo says he asked for change and the clerk handed him $1600. The clerk says he threatened her with a gun if she didn’t hand over the money. Our bozo’s explanation? He says he was just scratching his stomach, not reaching for a gun. After receiving the cash, he ran from the store. Our bozo’s explanation? He says anyone handed a lot of cash would take the money and run. He didn’t get far. Police found him at a nearby gas station hiding in the bed of a pickup. He offered no explanation for his hiding place. He’s under arrest.

Hey, What Are You Doing Answering My Phone?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hollywood, Florida, where Wayne Palmer broke into a residence, getting away with a number of items, but leaving one very important item behind. His cell phone. That was bad enough, but our bozo just couldn’t leave it alone. He called the phone in an effort to retrieve it and gave his name to the police detective who answered it. Adding to his problems, his fingerprints were found on the phone and the homeowner recognized him as the man she saw leaving the residence. He’s busted!

Next Time Just Wait For a Cab

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where bozo Ria Brown proudly announced her plans to steal a police car. After leaving a club, she jumped into the cruiser, which was parked out front, and said she was going to take it and drive the vehicle to her car. She may or may not have noticed there was a passenger in the front seat and another passenger in the back. And she may or may not have realized the two passengers were plainclothes police officers. Oops. She’s been charged with public intoxication and attempted robbery.

Truly, Officer, I Always Enter the House Thru the Window

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where bozo Freddy Smith broke into a residence through a window. After rummaging through the house, he stopped at the refrigerator and grabbed a Sprite. Apparently exhausted from his exploits, he then headed to the master bedroom where he took off all his clothes and climbed into bed, where he quickly fell into a deep sleep. The homeowners returned home and found our bozo sawing logs and immediately called the cops. Sleeping beauty continued to sleep soundly until one of the officers took matters into his own hands, ripping the blankets off him. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the officers that he thought he was in his girlfriend’s house. That story didn’t fly. He’s been charged with breaking and entering.