They Can’t Say He Didn’t Warn Them

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s crappy report. Police in Clermont, Florida, pulled over bozo Carlos Herrera for going 75 in a 55 MPH zone. He had a good excuse. He told the cops he needed to go to the bathroom and was hurrying home. When they told him to get out of the car, he said he couldn’t and sped away, hitting a deputy’s arm in the process. The cops took off in hot pursuit and caught up with him as he was running for the door of his residence. He was Tasered and placed in the back of the patrol car, where he immediately relieved himself. He obviously wasn’t kidding. He’s been charged with fleeing, battery on a law enforcement officer, aggravated assault with a motor vehicle and maybe soiling a patrol car.

That Ain’t the Easter Bunny…

Our bozo for today comes from Vancouver, Washington, where residents of the Salmon Creek neighborhood were enjoying a relaxing Easter egg hunt with their kids when an uninvited guest showed up. And he wasn’t hunting eggs. The man, obviously very upset, was screaming that his roommates were going to shoot him. The festivities came to a halt and the cops were called. The officers discovered the man had likely done something to anger his fellow workers at a massive illegal marijuana distribution center, headquartered in a nearby home. Police seized 45 pounds of packaged pot and $108,000 in cash. Three men are under arrest. No word on the fate of the Easter egg hunt interrupter.

Hey, It’s a Joke!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Granite Shoals, Texas, where the local police department has a rather strange sense of humor. The cops there took to their Facebook page and posted a tongue-in-cheek warning that local supplies of methamphetamine and heroin were contaminated with the Ebola virus. They thought better of the post and, in a follow-up said it was meant to be humorous. But at least one bozo failed to get the joke. Shortly after the posting, bozo Chastity Martin contacted the cops and asked if they could please test her meth for Ebola. The cops were glad to do just that. The meth tested negative. Chastity tested positive for being a bozo and was placed under arrest.

But It Looks So Easy On Mission Impossible.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Brisbane, Australia where our bumbling thief suffered the further indignity of having it all caught on security cameras. He had big plans to rob a local business by first lowering himself down from the ceiling using a rope. Things started bad and went downhill from there. CCTV footage shows him dropping down with the rope tied to his foot. Upon landing on a desk, he promptly tripped on the rope, falling heavily to the floor. He then started prowling around, only to lose a shoe. He is then seen taking several seconds to retrieve the shoe and get the laces tied so he can continue on. After circling the room several times, he seems to think better of his plan and attempts to escape, but not without more difficulty, as he pulls down several pieces of ceiling tile before finally successfully climbing back into the ceiling. Using the video footage, the cops expect to make an arrest shortly.

Two For the Price of One

Today’s report from Salem, Massachusetts details two bozos working in tandem…to get themselves arrested. It seems bozos Erik Larsen and Juan Ramiro had a bit too much to drink. Police responded to a 911 call reporting a car being driven erratically. The cops observed Bozo Number One behind the wheel, with the car on the sidewalk, crashed into a sign posted near several bars and restaurants. Then, Bozo Number Two decided to try his hand at driving. They swapped seats and Bozo Two took off and promptly crashed into a parked car. The cops then moved in and pulled the car over, only to have Bozo Two place the vehicle into reverse and strike the police cruiser. They’ve both been charged with drunk driving, in the same car.

And If There’s Anything Left On the Card, Give Me Some Cigarettes

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where bozo Nicholas Wheeler really, really wanted a new $60,000 BMW. He was a little short of cash, but this didn’t stop him from making an offer…just put it on my food stamp card and any left over can go on the credit card. Yep, he tried to buy a BMW using food stamps. No big surprise that his offer was turned down. Undeterred, he returned the next night, broke in and stole the car along with keys to 60 other vehicles. The cops caught up with him rather quickly, as when the car ran out of gas, he didn’t have money to fill the tank. He’s been charged with grand theft auto.

Hoppin’ Down the Bozo Trail…

As we get close to Easter, it’s time for our annual Bozo Bunny award. Today’s winner comes from Jersey City, New Jersey, where a man took his kids to the mall to see the Easter Bunny. It’s not clear what happened, but a disagreement occurred between the man and Mr. Bunny. A brawl quickly broke out with the Bunny pulling off his white bunny gloves and throwing punches at the man. Mall security stepped in and separated the two, who were both found to have outstanding warrants and were both charged with aggravated assault and disorderly conduct. But, never fear, the show must go on. A standby bunny donned the costume and picture taking resumed. Just another day at the mall in Jersey.

But It’s Only Off By One Digit…That Should Be Worth Something!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Haut-Doubs France. It’s one of those cases where the “criminal” part is at least partly accidental and the extent of bozo-ness is still to be determined. It would seem our bozo took a look at her lottery ticket and thought she had won the big jackpot. So, she went down to the lottery office to confirm her winnings, right? Wrong. Instead she immediately went on a big shopping spree writing checks for everything she wanted, thinking she would cover them as soon as her winning lottery check arrived. A few days later, when the check still hadn’t come in, her husband decided to take another look at that lottery ticket. Turns out her celebrations were a tad premature, as the ticket was one digit off from being a big winner. Oops. Instead of coming clean, the woman burned her purse and tried to claim that it had been stolen and someone else had written the bad checks. However, she was caught on security cameras making purchases at several stores. The judge took pity on her and gave her a suspended sentence and some time to pay off the $5800 in bad checks.

But He Just Really, Really Wanted a Pizza

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where Neil Olsen had a powerful hankering for a pizza. So, he picked up the phone and called in an order for delivery. He was told his pizza would be there in 30 to 45 minutes. An hour passed and the pizza still hadn’t arrived, so he called to complain. He then waited a while longer and when it still didn’t arrive he called again, right? Wrong. Maybe he called another pizza place? Nope. Got in his car and drove to the pizza place to pick it up himself? Not exactly. He did drive to the pizza shop, but instead of picking up his pizza he proceeded to go on a rampage, throwing things at employees and breaking some glass. The cops were called and he’s been charged with aggravated assault, terroristic threats, and several other charges. Needless to say, he never got the pizza.

That’s an Interesting Hood Ornament

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Roselle, Illinois. The cops received a rather strange call from a driver reporting that he had just seen a car being driven down the road with a 15 foot tree stuck in its front grill. The cops caught up with our unidentified female bozo and, sure enough, there was a tree stuck in the front of the car. Further investigation revealed the airbags had also been deployed. Our bozo said she remembered hitting the tree but couldn’t remember where or when. She was given a field sobriety test and, not surprisingly, she failed. She’s been charged with DUI, but since they couldn’t determine where the tree came from they couldn’t charge her with destruction of public or private property.

Just Because It Worked For Robin Hood…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Brooklyn, New York. The owner of the local IHOP noticed that drink sales were way down at his restaurant. After doing a little investigating, he narrowed it down to one shift, and specifically one employee, bozo William Mason. Surveillance footage showed our bozo was serving the customers drinks but not charging them for the beverages. When confronted by the cops, he had a rather unique answer for his actions. He said, “I am the modern day Robin Hood. I am not stealing. I am serving the ones in need. I take from the rich and give to the poor.” It didn’t take the Sheriff of Nottingham to find him guilty. He’s been charged with grand larceny, criminal possession of stolen property and petit larceny.

Next Time Hide That Spare Key Under the Mat

Bozo criminal for today from Altoona, Pennsylvania, forgot Bozo Rule Number 2323987: It’s not a good idea to call 911 when you’re a wanted man. Bozo Jeffrey Adams found himself locked out of his house. After checking all the doors and windows on the ground floor, he decided to climb up onto the roof in hopes that he could climb in through one of the upper story windows. Once there, however, he managed to get himself stuck and there was only one thing to do, call 911. Which would ordinarily have been a good idea. Except for the fact that he was wanted by the cops for $750 in unpaid court costs and fines. After he was freed, he was taken to jail.

I’m Stealing This Cab, and Here’s Where I’m Going

Bozo criminal for today comes from Denver, Colorado, where a woman called a cab and asked to be taken to the neighborhood 7-Eleven. Maybe she thought the fare was too much, because she then pulled a knife on the cabbie and said she’d just drive there herself. She kicked him out and sped away as the driver called the cops. Police say somewhere along the way she ditched the cab and walked the rest of the way to the store on foot, where the cops were waiting and placed her under arrest.

He’ll Knock Again Nevermore

Our bozo for today from Sebastopol, California, sounds like something out of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven.” Police responded to a call from a citizen who complained of someone persistently knocking on her front door. When the cops arrived someone was indeed rap, rap, rapping on the front door. Nope, it wasn’t a raven. Wasn’t even a burglar. The source of the knocking was a billy goat who was repeatedly butting the door with his horns. The culprit was taken into custody and reunited with its owner. No charges were filed.

I Paid Good Money For This Joint and I’m Finishing It!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Macomb County, Michigan. State troopers attempted to pull over a Lincoln Continental driven by bozo Dewayne Hampton after noticing it had expired plates. Surprisingly, our bozo kept driving for several miles, at one point putting up a finger to indicate he would pull over in a minute. And just what was so important? After he finally did stop, he told the cops he wanted to finish his marijuana joint before pulling over. Well, OK then. He’s been charged with multiple outstanding warrants and DUI.

Maybe He Should Have Taken the Bus

We all know that, both in and outside of the Bozo World, timing is everything. And our bozo for today from Reading, Pennsylvania, had really bad timing. Bozo Victor Hernandez, armed with a pellet gun and wearing a hoodie and mask, jumped into a cab and demanded money from the driver. As the driver tried to explain he had no cash, a sheriff’s deputy pulled up directly behind them. When the light turned green and the cab failed to move, the officer got out to investigate. Realizing he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, our bozo tried to flee but instead was immediately grabbed by the cop. He faces charges of robbery and terroristic threats.

Hey, Can’t a Guy Have a Little Fun In His Own House!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, Ohio, where the cops were called to a residence after reports of gunfire. When they arrived, the female resident was outside and said she wasn’t sure why the 75-year-old man inside was shooting things up. The police set up a perimeter with a vehicle outside with its lights on, negotiators trying to call him and officers using a bullhorn. No response. They also broke a window and sent in an electronic surveillance device. It was then that the female resident reminded the cops that he was hard of hearing. The officers then decided to wait. After several minutes one of the officers thought he heard a sound. Then another. And another. It sounds like…snoring. Yep. Our bozo had fallen sound asleep. The cops said he was cordial when they entered and had no idea what the excitement was all about. He’s been charged with inducing panic and using weapons while intoxicated.

Ay Carumba!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from San Bernardino, Califorina. Now, this one is rather complicated, so please pay attention. It seems bozos Dean Ferguson and Daiquon Haynes were hungry after a long night of carousing, so they stole a full taco truck from the Amapola Rico Taco restaurant. Our bozos stole the truck around 1 a.m. and began cruising around, eating tacos as they drove. At one point our bozos pulled into a woman’s driveway, hitting her truck as they tried to back out. She called the cops and, as the police were on the scene writing up the report, the truck rumbled by. The cops took off after the truck and chased it down the 215 Freeway at speeds in excess of 80 MPH. By now morning traffic was heating up and, when our bozos exited the freeway they immediately found themselves stuck in a back-up. Maneuvering a taco truck through heavy traffic isn’t as easy as it looks and our bozos sideswiped a schoolbus and, while trying to avoid it, promptly T-boned a propane tanker. Somewhat miraculously, no one was injured and the truck didn’t burst into flames, so our bozos jumped out of the truck and tried to flee on foot. Just one more bad idea of many on this morning. The cops quickly placed them under arrest. No word on the fate of the remaining tacos.

Next Time At Least Try To Print It On Your Computer

Bozo criminal for today from Buffalo, New York, violated basic Bozo Rule Number 0003321: Homemade license plates are NOT legal, and a bad idea if you have a suspended license. Cops noticed a rather strange looking license plate on the vehicle of bozo Amanda Swanson. Upon further investigation, it was a hand lettered and painted “plate” made of cardboard. After pulling her over, the cops discovered she also had a suspended license and no insurance. She’s under arrest.

With a Name Like That…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Murrieta, California, where there had been a rash of thefts at Walmart stores in the area. Store security personnel called the cops after spotting a suspicious car in the parking lot that matched the description of a vehicle seen during recent thefts. The cops noticed the car had two different license plates and neither matched the information on the vehicle. Our bozo consented to a search of the car and the cops found drug paraphernalia and a set of burglary tools inside. In addition, he was identified by an employee as the suspect in a previous burglary in the location. He was arrested and charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of a controlled substance, commercial burglary, grand theft and possession of stolen property. But what landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame was his name. Brady Loser. Really.