January 31, 2001

We’re not really sure just who the bozo is in today’s report. From Danville, Kentucky comes the story of a Dairy Queen employee who is in hot water for accepting a phony $200 bill and giving the thief $197 back in change. Authorities say the bill is such an obvious fake it can’t even be considered counterfeit. On the front of the bill is a picture of George W. Bush and on the back there is a picture of an oil well and a picture of the White House with a lawn sign reading, "We like broccoli." Police are searching for the crook and the Dairy Queen employee is searching for her glasses.

January 30, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dick Dixon for sending in today’s report. From Paso Robles, California comes the story of bozo Pablo Herrera who was most certainly in the wrong place at the wrong time. He walked into a donut shop shortly after midnight and ordered himself a jelly roll. Our bozo reached into his pocket for some money and when he pulled his hand out, a plastic baggie full of white powder also fell to the floor. He scrambled to pick it up but was quickly surrounded by the cops. Remember, it’s after midnight and he’s in a donut shop. You can be sure there were several officers there who were more than happy to bust him on suspicion of possession of drugs.

January 29, 2001

Bozo criminal for today was really in a big hurry. From Aiken, South Carolina comes the story of bozo Tom Barker who walked into a convenience store, grabbed two cases of Budweiser and dashed out the door without paying. He threw the beer into the back of his pickup and sped off. Perhaps "sped" is to strong a word. "Sputtered" more closely describes what happened. He almost made it out of the store parking lot before his truck ran out of gas. As he was trying to get the truck started again, one of the store employees grabbed him and held him until the cops arrived.

January 26, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael Walker for sending in today’s report. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of bozo James Watson who allegedly had vandalized more than 40 locations in the last month, spray painting graffiti on them. Police had no leads until our bozo slipped up and wrote one bit of graffiti that was so foul, so politically incorrect that hundreds of women called the police to complain. The police were able to use the leads given to them to track down and arrest our bozo. And just what was it that he wrote that was so offensive that the public was up in arms against him? He revealed the one thing that every woman wants to keep private. On several public places he wrote his girlfriend’s name and beside it he wrote her weight.

January 25, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tim Boylan for sending in today’s report. From Columbus, Ohio comes the story of bozo Charles Obuto who held up the Firstar Bank, fleeing on foot with his cash. The area was quickly swarming with cops and our bozo got a little scared, so he ducked into a nearby drugstore where he changed clothes in the restroom and stashed his money in the toilet tank. Suspicious store employees checked out the restroom after our bozo left and found the toilet overflowing because of the bag of cash. The police were called and were on the scene investigating when the drugstore’s phone rang. And who should it be but our bozo, asking if he could come back to the store and pick up the money he had stashed in the toilet. Sure. The cops arrested him when he arrived.

January 24, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from Perth, Scotland where bozo Seth Hampton was surprised while robbing a flat. Attempting to flee, he slipped on an icy window ledge and landed awkwardly on the frozen ground, breaking his hip. Officers arriving on the scene to investigate the break-in discovered our unfortunate thief and took him to the hospital for x-rays. And that’s when his troubles really began. With no place to hide his loot and the cops closing in on him, our bozo had swallowed several items of jewelry, which of course showed up on the x-ray. Police simply waited for nature to take its course and within a couple of days they had their evidence and our bozo was under arrest.

January 23, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lou Ann Bragg for sending in today’s report. Our Bozo for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1909 which states: It’s not usually a good idea to use your real name and address when renting your getaway car. From Spartanburg, South Carolina comes the story of bozo Jose Ramiro who held up the First Piedmont Bank. Employees noticed he fled in a silver Mustang with the paper license plate of National Car Rental. Cops simply got our bozo’s address from the rental company, stopped by his home and arrested him.

January 22, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eddie Stair for sending in today’s report. From Woodstock, Georgia comes the story of bozo Roderick Chambers who stole a car and found in the glovebox of that car a checkbook belonging to the car’s owner. Thinking he had hit the jackpot, our bozo waited a couple of days for things to cool off and then headed over to the bank to try to cash a check, driving the stolen car, of course. Our bozo was patiently waiting in the drive through lane when who should drive up behind him but the owner of the car, who had stopped by the bank to close out the stolen checking account. Recognizing his car, he called 911 and after a short chase our bozo was arrested.

January 19, 2001

Bozo criminals for today come from Tallahassee, Florida where bozos Jaron Greene and Wesley Jacobs broke into a residence and made off with a variety of goodies, including a couple of televisions. It was only when they got back home that they realized that they had failed to steal perhaps the most important items of all. So they did what any self-respecting bozo would do, they returned to the scene of the crime to finish the job. They weren’t so lucky this time as a neighbor spotted them and called the cops who nabbed them before they could make their getaway. And what items were so important that our bozos risked being arrested to return and get? The remote controls for the TVs, of course.

January 18, 2001

Bozo criminal for today reaches a new high, or perhaps low, in stupidity. From St. Louis County, Missouri comes the story of bozo Daniel Evans who decided to do what many of us have done at one time or another, make a Xerox of his kiester on the copy machine. It was the location of this particular copy machine that got him into trouble. He dropped his pants and copied his backside on the machine in the lobby of the St. Louis County Courthouse. He was only able to make two copies before the cops yanked him off of there. And he’s a charming guy, too. He said he was making the copies for his girlfriend. Bet she’s thrilled.

January 17, 2001

Nobody ever said being a stupid crook is easy work and we’d get no arguments from today’s bozo. From Albuquerque, New Mexico comes the story of bozo mastermind Charles Fenton who kicked a hole in the wall of a portable building at the Bernalillo County Detention Center, enabling six prisoners to flee. Our bozo planned to escape by the same route but he used so much energy kicking the hole in the wall that he just had to lie down and take a little nap. He was awakened by guards who hauled him back to his cell.

January 16, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from Muskegon Heights, Michigan where bozo Janet Simon shoplifted a number of items from the local dollar store. As she sprinted through the parking lot, she dropped her purse, which contained her drivers license. The police didn’t even have time to try to track her down, however, as a short time later our bozo called the cops to see if anyone had turned in that lost purse. Yes, said the officer, but you’ll have to come down to the station house to pick it up. She did. She was arrested.

January 15, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma where bozo Ronald Thomas was serving a 12 year sentence for burglary. Our bozo somehow managed to steal a corrections department van and escaped from a prison work crew. Once on the outside he faced a quandry familiar to all bozos…Where do I go? He drove around for a while and then got completely, totally, hopelessly lost. So he pulled into a convenience store parking lot in Garden City, Kansas, dialed 911 and asked for the police to please come pick him up and take him back to jail. The cops were happy to oblige.

January 12, 2001

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. London, England is the home of newlywed bozos Joanne Darby and her husband, Che, who stole a $500 wedding dress from a local bridal shop. Operating under the theory that it doesn’t do you much good to have a wedding dress unless you can wear it, our bozo bride posed for a wedding picture in the stolen dress. When the picture turned up in the local paper, the owner of the shop recognized the dress and called the cops. The lovebirds have been charged with theft.

January 11, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Shannon Brown for sending in this one from Metarie, Louisiana. Bozos Johnny Johnson and Reggie Shaffer had big plans to rob a convenience store. Our bozos pulled up right in front, jumped out of the car, put on their ski masks and went in to do the job, leaving their vehicle running for a quick getaway. What they didn’t count on was a store employee in the parking lot who saw the whole thing. While they were inside he jumped into their car, drove it around the block and called the cops. You can imagine the surprised look on our bozos faces when they came out of the store and found their getaway vehicle gone. They took off on foot but it didn’t take the cops long to track them down and arrest them.

January 10, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eddie Stair for sending in today’s report. From Campbell County, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Bryan Vance who broke into The Big Orange Tavern. Passersby noticed the broken window and called the cops. By the time the officers arrived our bozo was long gone, but he left behind plenty of evidence. There was blood smeared around the tavern from a cut he received when he broke the window. There were also several snack food wrappers and empty beer cans scattered around. But it was what was left outside that sealed our bozo’s fate. The police noticed a trail of beer cans, full ones, leading from the tavern directly to our bozo’s home. It seems that when he decided to head back to his house, our bozo filled a large plastic trash bag with beer and dragged it behind him, never noticing that there was a hole in the bag.

January 9, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairbanks, Alaska where bozo Mark Duncan stole a checkbook. Trying to take advantage of his newfound fortune, our bozo went down to the local Safeway and wrote a check for $83 on the account. This was not the wisest move our bozo could have made. The Safeway where our bozo tried to cash the bad check was the same Safeway where he was employed. He’s under arrest for theft and forgery.

January 8, 2001

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who spotted this story in the Los Angeles Times. From Pasadena, California comes the story of a group of bozos with big plans. They hatched up a scheme in which they posed as military officials seeking to buy several gold products, such as gold wire and gold sheets, for use by the Jet Propulsion Laboratory on the Space Shuttle. These items, worth over $1.5 million, were to be billed to the Jet Propulsion Lab and shipped to an office our bozos had set up in Pasadena. The firm they were negotiating with, accustomed to dealing with the federal government, thought something might be up and called federal agents when they noticed that the person who had filled out the requisition form for the gold, a Sgt. Michael Jeffries, had misspelled the word "sergeant" on the form.

January 5, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Harare, Zimbabwe comes the story of a female bozo who planned on smuggling some marijuana on a flight from Zimbabwe to London. Our bozo had about 14 pounds of the stuff…it was where she chose to hide it that got her into trouble. She crammed the marijuana into her underwear, specifically on her back side. The customs agents said she looked like one of the "Big Butts" family from the old Saturday Night Live sketch. She never made it onto the plane, which was a good thing because she probably would never have fitted into the seat anyway.

January 4, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Beware of Bozos Bearing Gifts file. And thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this one from Los Angeles. Bozo Russell Carson worked for one of the large overnight delivery services where he allegedly stole about $14,000 worth of packages between October and December. At Christmas our bozo overwhelmed his family members with extravagant gifts. He told them that he was making good money and had bought the gifts himself. Family members thought otherwise and called the cops. Our bozo had slipped up when he didn’t bother to get gift boxes for all the presents. He simply wrapped them in the boxes they were shipped in, with the address label of the people the packages were intended for still attached.