You Mean This Thing Actually Tells the Cops Where I’ve Been?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joanne for sending in today’s report from Pittsfield, Massachusetts, where police have broken up a burglary ring responsible for more than 130 break-ins. And bozo Jamie Thompson almost made it too easy for them. He was wearing a court-ordered electronic monitoring device when he committed the crimes. All the cops had to do was match up the dates and times from the burglaries to the information contained on his “bracelet.” That, combined with his cellphone records and over 200 stolen items found at his residences, adds up to one thing: Busted!

I Didn’t Try the Knob…I Thought YOU Tried the Knob!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report which is a little short on criminal activity but has plenty of bozo to go around. Police in Daytona Beach, Florida, received a 911 call from Bozo John Alexander who claimed he and his girlfriend, Amber Costello, were trapped in a janitor’s closet at the Marine and Enviornmental Science Center. An officer tracked the phone’s location and freed our bozos, who claimed to have been trapped in the closet for two days. Only problem, the officer said the closet door wasn’t locked. Hmmm. After finding no drugs in the closet, our bozos were charged with two counts of illegal trespassing and one parole violation.

What Goes Better With Pie Than a Cigarette

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Clackamas County, Oregon. Bozo Don Carson approached a woman around 8 a.m. and asked her for a cigarette. When she refused he got very upset and started yelling at her, eventually throwing a peach pie he was carrying at her. She called 911 and the cops arrived just in time to see him charge at her again. One of the deputies hip tossed our pie throwner to the ground and he was charged with harassment, criminal mischief, parole violation, and assault with a sugary weapon.

You Gotta Look Sharp In Court

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Louisville, Kentucky. Bozo Tonya O’Brien was arrested by the cops and charged with burglary of a residence after she attempted to pawn some stolen items. The story might have ended there, with just one charge of burglary had our bozo not made a terrible fashion mistake when she appeared in court. She wore several other items of jewelry, including rings, that one of her victims was able to indentify and she confronted her outside the courtroom. Oops. She now faces several other theft charges.

Should Have Tried This Before Gaining Those Holiday Pounds

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where bozo Charles Harper wanted some cigarettes. Being a little short of cash, he formulated a bozo plan. He would climb a tree near the local Family Dollar store, jump onto the roof and break in under early Sunday when the store was closed. Maybe not the best plan, but sounds like it could work. Except for a couple of problems. Someone noticed him and called the cops who were inside the store investigating when our bozo came crashing through the ceiling, landing right in front of them. He’s busted!

Run, Forrest! No! Not That Way!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report which contains a violation of Bozo Rule Number 767452: When fleeing the cops, run AWAY from your residence. Bozo Michael Green of Buffalo, New York, was caught removing a ceiling mounted TV from a vehicle. He dropped the TV and took off, with the cops in hot pursuit. He ran directly to his house and weny inside where he immediately dialed 911 to report a false shooting in an effort to distract the police. Didn’t work. He’s now been charged with grand larceny, criminal trespassing, falsely reporting and incident and second-degree obstruction of governmental administration. On a positive note, the jail does have a TV.

Straight Ahead, Turn Right, and You’re There!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Toledo, Ohio, where bozo Jason Deen was pulled over by the cops for a traffic violation. But instead of showing them his license and registration, our bozo sped away, crashing through a gate and making a right turn into a parking lot. But, it was no ordinary parking lot. He had turned into the parking lot of the Toledo Correctional Institution. Oops. He’s been charged with vandalism of government property, drug possession and failing to use his turn signal.

Things To Take To a Bank Robbery: Gun, Mask, ID

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike McPherson for sending in today’s report from Knoxville, Tennessee, where the police were called to a report of a robbery at a downtown bank. When they arrived, the suspect had fled, but they discovered he had left a piece of paper behind, and, no, it wasn’t a hold-up note. Instead, it was a piece of paper that contained his identification, including his home address. After a brief standoff at his residence, our bozo was arrested and charged with bank robbery.

At Least He Had a Nice Meal Before Being Locked Up

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Kensington, Pennsylvania, where police were called to a local bank after a report of a hold-up. Several witnesses described the robber and a couple of them said they thought they saw him run into a nearby chicken and biscuits restaurant. The cops were familiar with the business and knew they had a video surveillance system set up so they went inside hoping to take a look at it. Instead they took a look at something much more interesting. Our bozo sitting a a booth enjoying a chicken dinner. He’s under arrest.

Another Reason Not To Be a Litterbug

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Kissimmee, Florida. Police officers attempted to pull over a vehicle after it nearly was involved in an accident with their cruiser. The cops turned on their lights and shined a spotlight on the car, which kept moving. It was then that the officers noticed the car’s sun roof open and a baggie come flyng out. Unfortunately, our bozo’s aim for the ditch was off, and the baggie landed squarely on the hood of the police car. Oops. The baggie turned out to contain cocaine and our two bozos were busted for possession of narcotics and tampering with evidence.

Wonder What This OnStar Button Does

Bozo criminal for today comes from Riviera Beach, Florida, where police received a garbled 911 call from bozo Shane Morrison. Not sure what the problem was, police rushed to the scene, where they found our bozo sound asleep behind the wheel of his car with the engine running and his foot firmly on the brake. The cops woke sleeping beauty up and asked him to step out of the car to take a field sobriety test. And that’s when things went terribly wrong. First, his pants fell to the ground, leaving him standing in his boxers, in which, according to the cops, he “had an accident.” Test failed. Arrested and charged with DUI and abuse of 911.

People Get Desperate When the McRib Is No Longer Available

Bozo criminals for today from Spokane Valley, Washington looked pretty suspicious to a local deputy sheriff. He saw two men walking down a street carrying large black garbage bags Santa-style over their shoulders. Upon further investigation he found the bags to be full of…lamb chops. Our bozos offered up the excuse that a woman nearby had given the chops to them since she was moving. One problem, the deputy contacted the woman and she denied the story. So, the cop decided to do a little backtracking and follow our bozos’ footprints in the snow, which led directly to another home that had been broken into. Missing from that home: lots of lamb chops. They’re busted!

Next Time Just Send a Card

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Westlake, Ohio, where bozo Richard Ferguson had just been released after serving six and a half months in prison for being involved an accident in which the passenger of his vehicle was killed. So, what did he do immediately after gaining his freedom? He made a Facebook post showing him with both middle fingers extended and the caption “Prison didn’t break me, it MADE me” He then went on to give a shoutout to his homies behind bars and told them how much he missed them. He didn’t have to miss them long. His judge saw the post, ruled it disrespectful and sent him back to jail as a violation of his probation.

What’s the Blue Book on a ’98 Malibu? $50?

Our bozo for today from Chicago, Illinois carjacked a vehicle, not a bozo-worthy act. It was what happened next that is worthy of reporting. Bozo Jereh Baxter contacted the owner of the 1998 Chevy Malibu and offered to sell it back to her for $50. Playing along, the owner told our bozo that it sounded like a good deal and offered to meet him to make the exchange. She also called the cops and had them come along. He’s busted!

A Do-It-Yourself Mugshot

We’ve had numerous bozos who have stolen iPhones and then been captured when they took selfies of themselves, but today’s report reveals there’s more than one way to get yourself arrested. It seems two bozos in Lincoln County North Carolina thought it would be fun to steal a couple of trail cameras affixed to a tree and used to take pictures of wildlife. What they didn’t realize was that the cameras would continue to take pictures and email them back to the owner, ever after being removed. The sheriff’s department posted several of the pictures, including one of our bozo lounging in front of his Christmas tree. Alert Facebook fans quickly were able to ID the thieves, with more than 30 members of the public calling in tips. They face charges of larceny and possession of stolen goods.

Try a Plain White T Next Time

Bozo criminal for today from Hudson, Florida, violated Bozo Rule Number 43093: Truth in advertising isn’t always a good idea. Our bozo was in the local K-Mart store and was standing in line at the checkout when something caught a deputy sheriff’s eye. He saw bozo John Boren attempt to hand off a “bag of green leafy substance” to the person in line behind him, who refused to take it. Our bozo then placed the bag on the ground and proceeded to check out. On his way out the door, our bozo was stopped for questioning and found to be in possession of marijuana and methamphetamine. Oh, and what was it that attracted the deputy’s attention in the first place? It was the shirt our bozo was wearing, which said, “Who needs drugs? No, seriously, I have drugs.” Well, he HAD drugs.

Advise to the Lovelorn: Take the Bus

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Crieff, Scotland. Our bozo attempted to steal a milk delivery van, pulling a knife on the driver and jumping behind the wheel. His plan was foiled when he couldn’t figure out how to start the truck. Undeterred, he turned his attention to another nearby vehicle, which he commandeered but was only able to drive a few feet before stalling it. The cops were called and they arrived just in time to find him attempting to hijack another motorist. After a short chase on foot our bozo was apprehended at which time he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he had broken up with his girlfriend and “needed to get out of town.” In a way, he got his wish. He’s been placed in an out of town jail.

Next Time Use Scratch Paper

Bozo criminal for today comes from Uniontown, Pennsylvania, where bozo Eric Fowler walked into the local pizza shop and handed an employee a note demanding cash. The quick thinking employee hit a panic button and the cops arrived to find our bozo still in the shop. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops a large, bearded man had put a gun to his back in a nearby alley and told him he would shoot him if he didn’t go into the shop and rob it. A good plan, perhaps, but he forgot one important thing…that holdup note. The investigating officer noticed something strange about that note. It appeared to have been written on toilet paper. He asked our bozo to take him back to his apartment and there, on a table was an open package of toilet paper. And one of the rolls contained an impression of the very holdup note that he had used. Oops. He’s busted!

Arrest By Remote Control

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from Miami, Florida. Cops were having trouble tracking down a car thief who had a good thing going. Working with accomplices, our bozo would use identity theft to “purchase” vehicles. She would pose as someone else, using their identity to buy the car, and by the time the dealership figured out what was going on, she would be long gone. Everything worked smoothly, except when she got the car home, she couldn’t figure out how to get the key-fob to work. So, she did what any bozo would do. She returned to the dealership to complain. The staff recognized her and asked her to wait, while they repaired it. Not sure if they actually worked on it, but they did call the cops and our bozo thief was arrested.

It Never Worked for Wile E. Coyote Either

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Winnellie, Australia, where a bozo in need of a little Christmas cash came up with a plan. Surveillance footage shows him place an explosive device near an ATM, light it and step back. The footage also shows he didn’t step back far enough as the ensuing blast knocked him off his feet and out of his sandals. He also underestimated the strength of the the ATM as the blast failed to open the machine. Cops are looking for a barefooted and empty handied bozo.