Sometimes You Just Gotta Have A Double Double Animal Style

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona, where the cops attempted to pull over bozo Charles Taylor on an outstanding warrant. Our bozo refused to stop and instead led the cops on a slow speed chase before pulling into the drive-thru at the local In-N-Out Burger. He spent several minutes ordering before pulling through and briefly stopping before thinking better of things and exiting the parking lot. He then drove to a nearby neighborhood where he surrendered to the officers. No word on the fate of the burger.

Maybe Save That Selfie For When You’re Parked

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Aggieland, Bryan, Texas. It seems our 19 year-old bozo really wanted to send her boyfriend a nude selfie on her Snapchat. And as you know, sometimes such things just can’t wait. So she posed for the sexy shot and…wham! She crashed into the back of a patrol car. Yep, she was driving AND Snapchating. Fortunately, she wasn’t injured. Unfortunately, she’s been charged with DUI.

One Bad Theft Deserves Another

Our bozo criminal for today’s heart was in the right place, it was his brain that was misplaced. Police in Winter Haven, Florida, say bozo Brian Clifford was caught stuffing three packs of electronic wire down his pants at the local Walmart. When he tried to leave without paying for the $87.91 worth of merchandise, he was detained by store employees until the police arrived. When the cop asked our bozo why he was stealing the wire, he replied that he was going to sell it for cash to bail his wife out of jail. It seems she had been arrested earlier in the day…on shoplifting charges. He’s joined her in the slammer.

Nothing Says Lovin’ Like a Quarter Pounder With Cheese

Bozo criminal for today comes from Casper, Wyoming, where bozo David Shafer’s search for love led him to answer an online ad. He arranged to meet a hooker for sex, but it was his method of payment that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He worked out a deal to pay for his romantic encounter with a Quarter Pounder with cheese and a medium order of fries. What he didn’t know was that he was dealing with an undercover police officer and not a real hooker. He was arrested when he showed up for his tryst, McDonalds bag in hand.

He Should Have Used Google Maps

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stamford, Connecticut, where bozo Donald Baxter loved sweets. Really, really loved sweets. So much so, in fact, that after he robbed a convenience store of $800, he immediately headed to a bakery to stock up on cookies and espresso. Unfortunately, he got lost along the way and he flagged down a passing motorist to ask for directions. As luck would have it, that passing motorist just happened to be a plain clothes investigator on the way to the scene of his holdup. After the cop got to the the store and watched the surveillance tape, he recognized our bozo immediately. He headed straight for the bakery, where he found our bozo enjoying his snack. He’s busted!

There Are Better Ways to Obtain Financing

Bozo criminal for today from Eureka Springs, Arkansas, wanted to buy a used motorcycle but he was a little short of funds. Step one: He contacted the person that had the bike for sale and said he wanted to buy it. Step two: He robbed the local bank, getting away with $3500 in cash. Step three: He went to close the deal and pick up his bike. All was going smoothly until the father of the young man who had the bike for sale showed up to help him close the deal. And, as luck would have it, the father turned out to be a police officer who received a report of the robbery while he was there. Step four: After determining the cash came from the robbery our bozo was placed under arrest.

And I’ll Throw In Some Rolling Papers, Too!

Bozo criminal for today from Brooks, Oregon, had a lot of marijuana but what he really wanted was a snowmobile. So, he did the obvious thing. He reached out to the owner of a snowmobile and offered to trade a pound of pot for the vehicle. Great idea, right? Not. The owner of the snowmobile just happened to be an Oregon State trooper. After receiving the offer, the cops set up a meeting with several other officers in unmarked cars also in attendance. Our bozo is now under arrest.

Raise Your Hands…and Drop Your Pants

Bozo criminals for today come from Halifax, Nova Scotia, where comedian Ian Black was out walking with a friend when he was accosted by a couple of bozos. But this was not to be an ordinary robbery. After punching Black, our bozos demanded that he remove his pants and hand them over. When he refused, our bozos fled empty handed. The police were called and were in the process of interviewing the victim when one of our bozos returned to the scene of the crime. Apparently he had dropped his cell phone in the tussle and was hoping to retrieve it. Bad idea. He’s under arrest, charged with assault and attempted trouser theft.

Drop the Sandwich and Uh, Wake Up!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mobile, Alabama, where bozo Raven Barker was hungry. Really hungry. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, she decided to break into the offices of a local law firm and fix herself a sandwich in the firm’s kitchen. Not surprisingly, she set off an alarm and, when officers arrived, they found our bozo on a couch enjoying her snack. It was her response upon seeing the officers that landed her in the Bozo Report. She fainted dead away. The cops took her to the hospital and when no medical issues were found, she was charged with third degree burglary.

That Is Not What Is Meant By “Clean Getaway”

Bozo criminal for today comes from the the International File in Glogow, Poland, where officers arrived at an apartment complex to arrest our bozo on allegations including stealing a car, a motorcycle and a bicycle. The man did not answer the door and officers spotted him jumping from his second floor apartment and crawling into a first floor apartment through an open window. This apartment was unoccupied and the cops received permission to search it but initially found nothing. The search continued until one of the officers decided to take a little peek inside the dishwasher. Bingo! He was found hiding inside. He’s now under arrest.

The Walking Brain Dead

Bozo criminal for today comes from North St. Paul, Minnesota, where cops were called to a report of a gunshot. When they arrived, they discovered a stray bullet had broken a glass window and lodged in the bedroom of a residence. Searching the area, the cops soon found 24-year old bozo Ryan Todd walking around with an AR-15 rifle. It was his reason for firing the shot that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told police that, since the cops weren’t doing anything about the zombie infestation of the neighborhood, he had no choice but to take things into his own hands. Yep, he was walking around taking pot shots at “zombies.” Police were able to find no evidence of the walking dead and our bozo was taken into custody.

Who You Gonna Call?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Colfax, Louisiana, where the police were called to a residence on a report of a man dressed only in a bath towel, carrying a knife and talking to trees. When the cops arrived, they found bozo David Mitchell on his front porch in an agitated state. He asked the cops for help, telling them there were people in the trees and ghosts inside his house. The cops weren’t able to find any ghosts or tree people but they did find our bozo to be in possession of crystal meth. He’s busted!

They Should Never Have Asked Them To Hold The Pickles

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marathon, Florida, where McDonalds employees called the cops after a customer fell asleep in the drive-thru and they could not wake her up. Deputies arrived and, after pounding on the window for some time, finally awakened our bozo. She, in turn, woke up the male passenger. Cops noticed a strong smell of alcohol and neither of our bozos could produce a drivers license. After refusing to take a field sobriety test, our bozo was placed under arrest. Her companion was found to have three DUI convictions in the past and is a convicted sex offender who had not registered since moving to Monroe County. No word on the fate of the Big Mac.

Arrest. Live At 11

While all of us at the Bozo Report admit that doing a good donut on a wet road can be fun, there’s a time and place for everything. And that time and place is not during a curfew imposed by authorities because of an approaching hurricane. And it’s certainly not in front of a news crew that is doing a live report. But that’s exactly what bozo Brandon Mason did the other evening as hurricane Matthew approached the Florida coast. The cops took time from preparing for the storm to track him down and place him under arrest.

But We Still Don’t Know Why!

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Dundee, Scotland, where the cops were called to a report of a traffic backup on a local road. Initial reports were of someone standing in the road. When the officers arrived, they found that it wasn’t someone but something. Police found a chicken attempting to cross the road and causing a huge traffic backup. They did the only thing they knew to do…they captured the chicken and took him into custody. At this point, no charges have been filed as the search for the jaywalking bird’s owner continues.

Cheech, I Think I Missed the Exit

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England, where the cops were called to a report of a car being driven the wrong way on the M6 highway. The cops arrived to find our bozo slowly driving the wrong way on the shoulder of the road. After he ignored orders to stop, the cops followed him for five miles until he finally exited. Not surprisingly, when he was finally pulled over, the cops found the car packed with 26 pounds of marijuana. He’s been charged with possession of a controlled substance, dangerous driving and failing to stop.

Lady, That Ain’t Fort Knox!

Our bozo for today gives us a rather unique answer to the question, what do you do if you have an outstanding warrant and are pulled over by the cops? Bozo Tori Nelson was a passenger in a car that was stopped by the cops in connection with a hit and run in Hollywood, Florida. It was then that she took the bozo approach to concealing her identity. She shoved her ID up her, um, most private lady area. Apparently it was in there to stay, as when she was taken to the county jail for processing, it showed up on an X-Ray the medical staff did. And to add to her problems, as she was being escorted out of the jail to be taken to the hospital for removal, she squatted and peed in front of the facility. She faces charges from the outstanding warrant as well as additional charges of indecent exposure.

No, You Lose

Bozo criminal for today comes from Killingly, Connecticut, where bozo Aaron Norris was involved in a domestic disturbance. The cops said our bozo was fighting with several people, smashed the window of a truck and drove a pickup truck in their direction when they arrived. He then crashed his truck through some hedges and fled at a high rate of speed. The cops lost track of him after he ran several red lights. End of story, right? Wrong. Our bozo just couldn’t wait to get home and post the whole story on social media, ending the post with “I won.” No he didn’t. The used his post to track him down and he was placed under arrest on charges of domestic violence, disorderly conduct, harassment, reckless endangerment and numerous other charges.

First Point, THEN Spray

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, New Hampshire, where bozo Nicholas Dixon attempted to shoplift several items from a local grocery store. Staff members noticed what he was doing and stepped in to stop him. However, before they could detain him, he whipped out a can of pepper spray and, instead of spraying the staff, he sprayed himself in the face. The cops were called and our bozo was placed under arrest, charged with unarmed robbery.

Ready, Aim, Oops!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s doozy from Des Moines, Iowa. Bozo Taylor Haynes was stopped by the cops for a traffic violation when he fled, leading them on a high speed chase. It was what he did during the chase that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Apparently, our bozo had a shotgun in the vehicle, and, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to toss the shotgun out of the window mid-chase. When it hit the pavement, the shotgun fired off a round, which shot out the tires of his vehicle. Our bozo bailed out of the car, but was caught by the cops after a short chase on foot. He’s under arrest, charged with possession of meth with intent to deliver and possession of a weapon.