May 31, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gene Billings who alerted us to this story from Fort Collins, Colorado where bozo Nelson Harris threatened to reveal a security flaw in an e-commerce firm’s web site. Our bozo demanded thousands in cash, a new Volvo station wagon and two digital audio players as hush money for keeping quiet. Even though our bozo was a grad student, it seems he must have flunked out of Ransom 101. He gave the company his full name and address for delivery of the ransom items.

May 30, 2000

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Pawtucket, Rhode Island where Bozo Charles Mason liked the lottery game at the deli where he worked. He liked it so much that it got him fired because all he did was stare at the lottery machine all day, refusing to do much work. The day after our bozo got fired, the deli received a call from the lottery commission, alerting them to an unusual amount of activity on their machine. After doing some checking it was determined that our lottery loving bozo had let himself back into the deli overnight, using the key he hadn’t yet returned, and had stolen about $1500 worth of tickets. He’ll be playing his future lottery games from jail.

May 29, 2000

(Best of Bozo)Bozo criminals for today come from Barnstable, Massachusetts where a couple of bozo car thieves stole a car and promptly became lost. And then they did what guys never do…they asked for directions. It was who they asked that got them into trouble. Our two bozos, in their stolen car, pullled up alongside a police cruiser and asked the officer the quickest way to get out of town. The officer told them, but noticed that they were acting rather strangely. So, as they pulled away he ran a check on their license plate and sure enough it came up as stolen. The bozos were caught before they even made the city limits.

May 26, 2000

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Asheville, North Carolina where Bozo James Vinson, who was wanted on assault charges, was chased by police to his apartment, where he locked himself in and refused to allow police to enter. A standoff developed and the police decided to wait for him to come out and give himself up. The cops waited…and waited…and waited for six hours until one of them noticed our bozo wasn’t going anywere anytime soon. He had sacked out on the couch and was sound asleep. The cops walked in and quickly slapped the cuffs on sleeping beauty.

May 25, 2000

Bozo criminals for today come from Brooklyn, New York where bozos Eric Lawson and Bernie Green were waiting in line at the Dime Savings Bank. While standing in line, our bozos were discussing exactly how they planned to rob the teller…in detail. The woman in front of them couldn’t help but overhear the plot and she stepped out of line and walked over to inform a police officer of the situation. Our blabbermouth bozos were arrested as they started to leave the bank with their loot.

May 24, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fargo, North Dakota. A bozo car thief stole a vehicle and promptly got stuck trying to drive through a quagmire of mud. Not being one to give up, our bozo stole another car about three blocks away and once again tried to navigate through the big mud hole, with the same result. The bozo again abandoned the stuck car and found yet another vehicle to steal, this time a pickup with big wheels. But again the quagmire claimed its victim with the pickup becoming stranded alongside the other two cars. Deciding to quit while he was behind, our bozo left the scene on foot. Cops are presently looking for a crook with very muddy feet.

May 23, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Des Moines, Iowa where bozo Ronald Green is not only stupid, he’s also a little bit lazy. Our bozo broke into a home and stole a TV set. Now if you have a hot TV on your hands, you either fence it or sell it to someone on the street, right? Wrong!!! If you’re a bozo you try to sell it back to the same couple you stole it from. Our bozo contacted the folks, invited them over to his apartment to see the TV, then offered to sell it to them for $150, with a convenient payment plan. The couple said thanks, but no thanks and called the cops.

May 22, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Paula Perry who sent in today’s report from Longview, Texas, where bozo Andrew Wilson was charged with forgery and possession of stolen checks. Our bozo got in trouble when he violated Bozo Rule Number 0057: If you’re a bozo you should never return to the scene of your crime. He was arrested when he returned to the Dillard’s store to try to get a cash refund on $154 worth of shirts he had purchased there the day before. The problem…he had purchased those shirts with a check that had been reported stolen in a residential burglary a short time earlier.

May 19, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Honolulu, Hawaii where bozo Robert Graham walked away from a work furlough program to marry his girlfriend. At the time our bozo was only 5 months shy of finishing an 8 year sentence. Our bozo never got to go on his honeymoon, however. The office manager at the marriage license bureau got suspicious and called the cops when our bozo tried to use his prison ID to apply for his marriage license.

May 18, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Peggy Rasp who contributed today’s report. From Hilo, Hawaii comes the story of bozo John Hamilton who had quite a good thing going for himself selling phony charity raffle tickets and pocketing the cash for himself. The police had received numerous complaints about our bozo but were never able to track him down and his identity remained a mystery. Until he sold one of those fake raffle tickets to someone who had cause to be a little suspicious of him in the first place. He was busted after selling a ticket to his parole officer.

May 17, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooklyn, New York where bozo Alexander Brown fell victim to a problem that lots of other men share. Our bozo was a rookie school bus driver who was arrested after taking three kids on a school bus ride that lasted almost eight hours. It seems our bozo couldn’t find the school and refused to stop and ask for directions.

May 16, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Madison, Wisconsin where bozo Michael Shafer was just a little too obvious. Our amateur counterfeiter was hanging around the printing supply store, looking at the color chart and comparing all of the green shades on the chart with the color on a dollar bill. Store employees tipped off the authorities after our bozo placed an order for a large amount of green ink. Secret service agents were waiting for him whe he came by to pick up his order.

May 15, 2000

(Best of Bozo)From Stamford, Connecticut comes the story of Bozo Alexander Owens who applied for a job on the local police force. And he would probably have gotten the job, too, except for one thing. Our bozo was a wanted fugitive from Nevada. Police discovered this little problem when they collected his fingerprints as part of his job application. He got a job, all right. Making license plates.

May 12, 2000

Bozo criminal for today is our first ever bozo from the K-9 Division. From Waukesha, Wisconsin comes the story of Officer "Nutz", a seven year old German Shepherd on the city drug enforcement team. It seems Officer Nutz escaped from his kennel and headed straight to a nearby grocery where he triggered the automatic door and walked right in. Our K-9 bozo then made a beeline for the meat department, snagged himself a package of prime rib and dashed for the exit. Unfortunately for Officer Nutz the crime was captured by the store’s security cameras. He’s been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation by the internal affairs department.

May 11, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Washington, D.C. where federal investigators have cracked a nationwide ring of bozo counterfeiters who specialized in bogus sports memorabilia and forged celebrity autographs. Apparently our bozos got in a bit of a hurry on some of their products and got confused. Feds were tipped off that it might be a bozo operation when several baseballs were offered for sale. Autographed baseballs. Signed by Mother Teresa.

May 10, 2000

Bozo criminals for today come from Sissonville, West Virginia where the local newspaper noticed that someone had been stealing a large number of the plastic tubes used for rural delivery of the paper. The ones that have the name of the paper printed on the side. After replacing about 150 of them in a couple of weeks the newspaper did a little investigating and discovered what was going on. Our bozos had used the plastic tubes to make a fence around their property. Now these tubes aren’t very tall so you have to wonder what it was the bozos were trying to fence in. Chihuahuas, maybe.

May 09, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Edward Haynes learned that in the Bozo World the third time is not always the charm. Our bozo stole a trailer from the local Home Depot only to have it come loose from his pickup truck and crash a few miles from the store. He simply turned around and went back and stole another trailer, which also crashed. Our bozo left this trailer on the side of the road and returned to steal yet a third one. In the meantime a police officer had stopped to investigate the trailer left on the side of the road. The officer was checking things out when our bozo came by with his third trailer in tow. As the bozo passed by the trailer’s fender clipped the officer’s patrol car. After a brief chase our three time loser bozo was arrested.

May 08, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Honolulu, Hawaii where bozo Denny Ulrich was suspected in the murder of his grandmother. When police showed up at his home, he told them his grandmother was not there, but then became more and more helpful. He first said, "She’s not here." Then he changed his story to, "Oh, I don’t know. She might be here." Then, "She’s in the shower." Then, "Oh, I think she’s dead. She’s in the shower." He finally blurted out, "I don’t want to say anything else until I speak to my attorney because I never committed a murder before."

May 05, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk "One Eyed Joe" for sending in today’s report. From Orange, Texas comes the story of bozo Ronnie Higgins who worked at a chemical plant and thought he might supplement his income by stealing some of the plant’s welding cables. Now, these cables are rather heavy and bulky, so how would a bozo sneak them out of the plant? Simple. He took several of the welding leads and wrapped them around his torso. Then he put on his coat to cover them. Our bozo began walking toward the plant gate, which was quite some distance away. Now remember we told you these cables were quite heavy and the further the bozo walked the more exhausted he became until he finally fainted right in front of the security guards at the front gate. They revived him and, upon discovering what he had hidden, sent him on his way, relieved of his burden and his job.

May 04, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England. Bozo Reginald Holland pulled a pair of stockings over his head and walked into a gas station, demanding cash from the clerk. Our bozo got his money and proceeded to go to some other stations to try his luck. He was quickly captured, as the cops had no problem picking him out. It may have had something to do with his disguise. He wore that stocking over his head and nothing else.