At Least He Didn’t Ask For a Table Dance

With all the Super Bowl parties coming up this weekend, let this bozo’s misadventures in a bar serve as a precautionary tale. From Old Shotton, England, comes the story of bozo Pete Hatton, who had been drinking all day with friends in a pub and had been told by them that he should expect “entertainment.” When a female police officer arrived to investigate reports of rowdy behavior at the bar, our bozo made a major miscalculation. He assumed the officer was the “entertainment” in the form of a stripper dressed as a cop and he proceeded to dance around her, saying, “Look, one of the strippers!” He sealed his fate when he popped the officer on the butt with a bar towel. Bad idea. He was placed under arrest and charged with obstructing an officer.

Maybe If He Had Tried Walking In Backwards…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Arlington, Florida, where Bozo Charles Hampton had formulated a “foolproof” bank robbery plan. Except he didn’t take into account he was the “fool”. Our bozo headed down to the Fifth Thrd Bank branch in Arlington, wearing a bandanna mask on his face, with his hoodie pulled up over his head and carrying what appeared to be a handgun. His next step was to burst through a side door and demand the cash from unsuspecting tellers. Only problem, that side door just wouldn’t open, no matter how hard he tugged on it. The one thing he had failed to notice was the “exit only” sign over that side door. Seeing that his foolproof plan had gone horribly wrong, our bozo attempted to escape on his bicycle but was apprehended by a passing cop who noticed what was going on. He’s busted!

No Need to Ask For a Rollback on Your Sentence, Either

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where cops were called to a report of shoplifting. Walmart security officers detained our bozo who was seen coming out of a fitting room wearing apparel she had carried into the room. When the officers questioned her they noticed she was acting strangely and got even more agitated when they asked to check her purse. It was then that she came up with the Bozo Question of the Month. She asked the cops if she could have “just one blow” of the heroin from her purse. Request denied. Add felony possession of a controlled substance to the misdemeanor theft charge.

Oh, I Just HAVE To Wear This Today

Bozo criminal for today comes from Maple Valley, Washington, where our unidentified bozo snatched a purse that was left on a table at a Starbucks cafe. She then hailed a cab and, using the information found inside the purse, went to the victim’s house and let herself inside. By this time, the victim had made her way back home and spotted the cab in front of the house. The cabbie told her the woman had told him she was going to the house to “pick someone up.” The cops were called and, by the time they arrived, our bozo had left by the back door. Several things were missing, including numerous items of clothing. And that is where our story might have ended, except for one thing. It seems those items of clothing were so lovely that our bozo simply couldn’t resist wearing them the very next day. To a nearby restaurant. And who should walk into the restaurant but the victim who recognized her clothes. The cops were called and our bozo, who by this time was hiding in the restroom, was placed under arrest.

You’re Supposed to TAKE the Money and Run

Bozo criminal for today comes from Daytona Beach, Florida, where our unidentified bozo walked into the TD Bank and demanded cash. The teller complied, giving him the money. So far, so good. Now, all that left to do is make a clean getaway. Which he did. As it turns out, maybe too clean. In his haste to get away, he left the money behind. Oops.

Just One For the Road, Officers

Bozo criminal for today comes from Poinciana, Florida, where the cops were executing a warrant at a suspected marijuana grow house. The man who answered the door, our bozo, initially refused to open the door, explaining that he wanted to finish smoking a joint. He closed the door and the officers waited patiently, smelling the odor of marijuana wafting from inside. When he did open the door a short time later, the cops found 190 marijuana plants being grown in three rooms of the house. He’s busted!

Maybe the Easiest Arrest Ever

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where bozo Brielle Wilson was having a rough night. She had too much to drink and shouldn’t have been driving, but she was. She was involved in an accident, which left her car damaged on the right side and completely missing its right rear tire. Somehow, she was able to keep going until she finally pulled into a parking lot. And not just any parking lot. She pulled into the lot of the Alachua County Jail. Employees of the jail called the cops and she was placed under arrest for DUI and booked into the very jail she drove up to.

Guess He’s Unfriended the Department Now

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sharkey in the Morning for sending in today’s report from Freeland, Pennsylvania, where the police department was looking for bozo James Popovich, who was wanted on aggravated assault and numerous other charges. Being a modern force, the cops posted a mugshot of our bozo on their Facebook site. Being a modern bozo, Popovich noticed the post and shared it on his Facebook page. Bad, bad idea. The cops lured our bozo out to a meeting with a female officer who posted on his site and asked him to meet her for a cigarette. Less than 45 minutes after he shared the post, he was under arrest.

Smoke and Sorcery

Bozo criminals for today come from Westlake, Ohio, where bozos Sebastian Warren and Anthony Curtis told the cops that they had met a group of teenagers in a Taco Bell parking lot to practice medieval sword-fighting and that the teenagers robbed them. The police thought the story sounded a wee bit strange so they did some more investgating and discovered that, in reality. the men had been selling marijuana to the teenagers at the time of the robbery. Oops…guess they forgot to mention that. They’re busted!

He’s Just Not a Pushy Guy

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where our unidentified bozo staked out his target for break-in, the Shambles Bar. He planned carefully, arriving at 6:43 a.m. when no one was around, he brought all the right tools and even found a door that was hidden from public view by a temporary cover to protect patorns from the winter weather. Next step, dislodge a safety guard doorstop. Done. Now, using his tools, he pried the lock from the front door of the business. Done. Now, all that was left to do was pull on the door and go in and get his loot. Much to his surprise, when he pulled, nothing happened. He tried and tried and the door simply wouldn’t budge. He double checked his work and could find nothing else holding the door, so he gave the door one more good, hard pull. Still nothing. Deciding there was nothing else to do, he simply gave up and walked away, leaving the complete video history of his attempted break-in on the bar’s security cameras. And those security cameras also showed one other thing that our bozo never noticed…a big sticker on the door reading “PUSH.”

Guess Just Wasn’t Working

Our bozo for today from St. Tammany Parish, Louisiana, is a proud member of our Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. It seems bozo Kareem Carpenter had an emergency, so he dialed 911. He told the operator he “needed a woman.” Now, this request alone would probably have landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame, but it doesn’t stop there. The operator got his name and ran a check on him, discovering he was convicted sex offender, and he hadn’t notified authorities when he moved from New Orleans to Slidell. His residence has changed again…to the parish jail.

Polly Want Another Drink?

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Mexico, City, Mexico, where bozo Guillermo Diaz was stopped by the cops at a routine alcohol checkpoint. As the officer approached the car, he could hear a voice saying, “He’s drunk, he’s drunk.” When he looked inside, there was no one there except our bozo…and his pet parrot, who kept repeating the ill-timed phrase. And, as it turns out, the parrot knew what he was talking about. Our bozo failed a field sobriety test and was taken to jail. On a positive note, the parrot was allowed to accompany him.

Guess He Missed His Nap Earlier

Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Ana, California, where bozo Ruben Gonzalez burglarized a home. He collected several items, including cell phones and a PlayStation game console. And then he made his getaway, right? Wrong. Instead, our bozo took his loot and headed to the bedroom of the homeowners, where he curled up at the foot of the bed and fell asleep. The man of the house was awakened when our bozo moved and touched his leg. A brief scuffle ensued and sleeping beauty was chased from the residence, but not before the homeowners recognized him as someone who lives in the neighborhood. The cops were called and were directed to our bozo’s home where he was placed under arrest.

Guess They Must Have Had Really Good Service

Bozo criminals for today come from Seaside, Oregon, where bozo Ryan Barker and his girlfriend Erica Martin enjoyed a meal at the Twisted Fish Steakhouse. When they were finished, they paid their bill with a gift card and then handed the waitress her tip, an envelope with a question mark on it. When the server opened the envelope, she discovered that, instead of cash inside, there was a substance that appeared to be crystal meth. Yep, these bozos left crystal meth as a tip. She called the police who arrived to find our bozos sitll in the restaurant. Inside Martin’s purse they found 17 ounces of meth. The cops also discoverd a meth lab at the Holiday Inn Express where they were staying. They’re busted!

Whoooo’s a Bozo?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Northborough, Massachusetts. A police officer noticed a car spinning out of control on the snowy Interstate outside of town. After nearly causing a couple of accidents, the officer watched as the driver crossed a second lane of traffic and then veered over onto the service road. The cop then turned on his red and blues and after a short chase, our bozo stopped the car, jumped out and ran into the woods. The cops tracked our bozo’s footprints to a nearby tree and found he had climbed high into the upper branches. He then asked the cops if “they had caught the guy driving the car”. When told there was only one set of footprints, he offered the lame excuse that the driver had carried him on his back to the tree. He then began to shake the branches and proclaimed, “Look, it’s snowing.” When asked to identify himself, he told the cops he was “an owl” and climbed even higher. Eventually, officers had to use a chainsaw to trim the limbs of the tree before using a bucket truck to extract our bozo from the tree. He’s been charged with drunken driving and evading arrest.

I Think It Says “Stuck Cup”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. The Bozo Report has been aware of a bit of a controversy in public schools recently over whether it is still necessary to teach kids cursive handwriting. This might not be the strongest argument in favor, but let us present it nevertheless. From Antioch, California, comes the story of bozo Jamal Green who walked into a bank and, without saying a word, handed the teller a holdup note. The teller looked at the note and couldn’t make heads nor tails of it. So, she called over her manager and he was stumped as to what the note said as well. Seeing that things weren’t going according to plan, our bozo made a hasty exit through the back door. The speed of his exit made his intentions clear and the cops were called. He was found hiding nearby and was placed under arrest. Maybe he can take a penmanship class in prison.

Further Proof That Timing Is Everything

Bozo criminal for today comes from Frankfort, Kentucky, where bozo Robert Vance was an inmate at a minimum security prison. He had been planning his escape for some time and thought he had every single detail worked out. Things seemed to be going well, too. He made his escape to freedom wearing khaki pants, a shirt and a light jacket. All good, except for one thing. That pesky Polar Vortex. When our bozo stepped outside temperatures were in the low single digits, with wind chills at 20 below, definitely not something he had planned on. So, he the right thing. He walked into a motel and…asked the clerk to call the police. He’s now back in a nice warm cell.

Maybe He Can Use “Brain Freeze” As His Defense

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from New York City, which, like much of the country, is dealing with extremely cold weather. Our bozo was in search of a car to steal, but found them all covered in snow. Upon finding someone trying to dig his car out, our bozo offered to help. Once the job was completed, he then asked the man for a ride from Queens to East New York. The man, thankful for the assistance, obliged. When they reached their destination, our bozo pulled a gun on the man and took his cell phone, $60, and the car. Guess he thought the best way to make a clean getaway was to head to the nearest laundromat, which is where the cops found him, in the basement. With “most of his clothes off.” He’s busted!

He Just Wouldn’t Put the Toilet Seat Down

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Livorno, Italy, where bozo Walid Chaabani was under house arrest on drug related charges. The cops were more than surprised when our bozo made a daring escape from his home and went straight to police headquarters. He begged the police to send him back to prison because he couldn’t stand his wife’s incessant nagging for one more day. The cops took pity on him, as did a judge, who ordered him to serve out the rest of his sentence behind bars.

Wonder If They Were Driving a Blazer

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Pincher Creek Canada. With much of North America feeling the effects of a rare “Global Warming” cold snap, our bozos found themselves trapped outside in temperatures hovering around 0 degrees when they lost controlof their car and careened into a ditch.. Having no kindling, they took a bozo approach to staying warm. They removed the seats from their crashed vehicle and set them ablaze in the middle of the road, along with many of their personal belongings. When that fire burned down, they set the car alight. This kept them warm until morning when they discovered there was actually a house within easy walking distance. The cops were called and our bozos were treated for minor burn and frostbite. Now, what exactly makes them bozos? First, both men had cellular phones, which they did not use. And second, both are now under arrest after they were found to be wanted on outstanding warrants.