Next Time You Better Bring Backup

Bozo criminal for today comes from Carrollton, Texas where our would-be thief knew exactly what he wanted. A big screen tv in an office building. Should be easy to break in and grab, right? He prepared for his theft by donning a mask and gloves. He then grabbed a landscape rock and broke in. Now, to just get that big screen off the wall. He positioned himself in front of the tv, grabbed hold, pulled, and…whoa that TV is heavier than it looks! When he got the TV off the wall, it was too much for him to handle and he went crashing to the ground, with the TV on top of him. Thinking better of the whole situation, he left empty handed. And did we mention, the whole thing was captured on security cameras?

A Real “Pot” Belly

Bozo criminal for today comes from Iowa City, Iowa, where the cops were called to a disturbance at an apartment complex. Upon arrival, they discovered 19-year-old bozo Kyle Cain involved in a heated argument with another man. When he spotted the cops, our bozo attempted to simply walk away from the situation. However, one thing stood out to the officers…he had a very large bulge under his shirt near the waistline. Even as a cop yelled at him, our bozo continued to walk away and down a flight of stairs which unfortunately led to a dead end. Oops. When the cops handcuffed him, a large bag of marijuana fell from under his shirt. Double oops. He then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, saying the pot did not belong to him. Tell it to the judge. He was charged with felony and misdemeanor drug counts.

Our Question…Is the Kitty Gonna Be Alright?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Kenosha, Wisconsin. It seems our 19-year-old bozo was visiting the home of a friend. Two things to know about her friend’s residence. 1. He had a gun. 2. He had a cat. Our bozo picked up the handgun, turned on the laser sight and began using the laser to tease the cat, getting him to chase it. Not the safest thing to do, and, as you might expect, the gun went off, striking the man in the thigh. 911 and the cops were called. The man, who we believe was not seriously injured, was charged with violating bond conditions that prohibited him from having a weapon. Our bozo was charged with negligent use of a weapon.

We’ve Heard of the Devil Made Me Do It, But This Is a First for God

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mobile, Alabama, where bozo Jeffrey Mason was accused of stealing a fire-rescue vehicle from in front of the fire station. Our bozo, who apparently never met a TV camera he didn’t like, had been charged with the theft and was being escorted out of the police station when he noticed the TV crew. He introduced himself to the cameras and announced that he was “running for Mayor of Mobile, Alabama, baby!” When a female reporter asked him if he stole the vehicle, he said he wouldn’t have stolen it if he “had a woman like you.” But he wasn’t done. He then listed God as an accomplice, saying the God had told him to steal the car. The TV crew turned their attention to another perp, asking him if he had stolen a vehicle. Our bozo immediately jumped in and said, “No! I did it, man! He didn’t do sh–! I did everything!” And on a parting note, he promised to steal a police car when he was released from custody. Could be awhile. He’s being held on charges of first degree theft and first degree burglary.

If Only It Had a Bigger Gas Tank!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Houston, Texas. It seems bozo Mohamed Abu-Shlieba stole a Dodge Challenger Hellcat, one of the fastest production cars ever made, with a top speed of 200 MPH. It was so fast that the cops, and their helicopter, couldn’t keep up. The chase continued down I-10 and, just as the cops thought they had lost him, they spotted the Challenger at the side of the road, apparently out of gas. Our bozo had built up a big enough lead that he could probably have evaded the cops, but, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he was spotted casually walking out of a wooded area and into the middle of a cow pasture while talking on his cell phone. When he was arrested he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, telling the cops he “let it run out of gas” so they could catch up to him. Bad idea. He’s been sentenced to three years in prison.

And the Hits Just Keep On Coming

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Nashville, Tennessee, where police responded to a report of a vehicle crashed into a ditch. Upon arrival, they found not one but two cars involved in the accident. Here’s what happened. Bozo number one, Natasha Brown, had a glass of wine and an espresso martini at a bar before heading home. She didn’t make it and crashed into a ditch. She then called Bozo number two, Melvin Adams, to come and help her out. Number two, who admitted to having a “couple” of beers drove over and crashed into the back of Bozo number one’s vehicle. Busted! Both of them failed breathalyzer tests and were charged with DUI.

Drop the Meatball and Step Away From the Plate

Bozo criminals for today come from Clearwater, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. When they arrived, they found Bozo Stephanie Lamar and her boyfriend Adolfo Rodriguez involved in a verbal disagreement and covered in…spaghetti sauce. Apparently they had been enjoying some Chef Boyardee when an argument turned violent, wherein each bozo found a bowl of spaghetti shoved in the other’s face. Police say alcohol was probably a factor. After a quick cleanup, they were both arrested and charged with domestic battery.