Location, Location, Location

Bozo criminal for today comes from South Portland, Maine, which experienced blizzard like conditions earlier in the month. Thinking the bad weather created an excellent opportunity for a robbery, bozo Ryan Jackson entered the Rusty Lantern convenience store and handed the clerk a hold-up note. He got an undisclosed amount of cash and left in a taxi. Success, right? Wrong. What he didn’t take into account was the fact that the local police station is right next door and even shares the same driveway with the store. And he also didn’t take into account that the yellow color of the taxi would be easy to spot in the snowy conditions. The cab was pulled over and he was arrested only a couple of blocks from the store.

The Name Is Bum, James Bum

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Limestone County, Alabama. Police responded to a call of a prowler and arrived to find the homeowner who had found our bozo in his garage and was holding him at gunpoint. He was taken into custody and booked into jail on charges of public intoxication. After noticing he was “walking strangely” a search was initiated and that’s when the gun fell out. Of his butt. The .380 caliber pistol belonged to the homeowner and our bozo had picked it up and packed it away before the cops arrived. He’s now been charged with carrying a concealed weapon. No word on whether the owner wants the gun back.

Another Reason Baggy Pants Are a Bad Idea

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tucson, Arizona, where the kids were on spring break, so bozo Michael Raybourne thought it would be a good time to pull off a heist at the school. He was trying to break into a classroom when a locksmith working at the facility spotted him. Thinking better of things, our bozo headed for the nearest exit, which just happened to be a large, metal fence with spikes on top. No problem. He should be able to climb over right? Well, almost. Our bozo got over the top and was headed down when one of the spikes got lodged in his baggy pants. Rather than try to free himself, our bozo continued on toward the ground, but didn’t quite make it. He was left hanging upside down, not quite reaching the ground with his pants caught on the spike at the top. Fortunately for him, he did wear underwear that day. Cops were called and our bozo was freed and arrested.

Her Next Target Was Colonel Sanders

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Hull, Georgia. Police received a call from a truck driver who said a car had just rammed his truck twice and fled. Investigating officers discovered the driver of a chicken truck was telling the truth, and found a license plate in the debris left from the accident. Using this evidence, they were able to track down the driver of the vehicle and, upon questioning, she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the cops she “was vegan” and crashed into the truck to try to free the chickens. That story didn’t fly. She’s under arrest.

He’s Arrested and Charged With…Breakfast!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lakeland, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a man disrupting traffic. Reports said a man, wearing green pajama bottoms and house slippers, had set up a folding chair and table in the middle of the intersection and was eating breakfast. By the time police arrived our pancake eating bozo was nowhere to be found, but of course the incident had shown up on social media. Several people tagged the man on Facebook and the cops discovered he lived about 100 yards south of the intersection. He’s been charged with placing an obstruction in the roadway and disrupting the flow of traffic.

Those Are the Breaks

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfax County, Virginia, where our bozo targeted a woman moving into her new apartment for a robbery. Things did not go as planned and he ended up trying to escape by jumping from a second floor balcony. Things went from bad to worse as he landed awkwardly, breaking his leg in the process. The cops were called and were following his tracks in the snow when they received information that someone had called 911 for help with a broken leg. Yep, our bozo broke his leg and then called 911. After receiving treatment, he was released from the hospital and arrested.

At Least She Didn’t Drive Down a Pipe

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Tokyo, Japan, where tourists are able to rent replica go-karts from the Nintendo game Super Mario Kart. This sounds like a good idea until you realize the tourists are actually able to drive these carts on public streets. And, of course, some of them think they can drive as recklessly as they do in the game. Which may explain what happened recently when a Korean tourist lost control of her kart and crashed into a police box in downtown Tokyo. No one was injured, but she was charged with reckless driving and the company renting the carts is being sued by Nintendo for copyright violations.

Maybe She Should’ve Baked a Cake

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Lee County Jail in northeast Mississippi. Bozo Jason Brown was incarcerated on drug possession charges and was expecting a care package from his girlfriend. He repeatedly asked the guards where his bible was, even before his package was dropped off. Of course, this sent up a warning flag. And the officers suspicions were confirmed when the bible was delivered. Taking a look at it, they noticed the back cover had a visible bulge in it. Oops. The bible was cut open and testing confirmed that the package inside contained methamphetamine. He could receive an additional 34 years in jail and his girlfriend has been charged with delivery of a controlled substance.

Maybe Dinner and a Movie Would Have Been a Better Choice

Our bozo for today from the International File in northern Queensland, Australia, really, really wanted to impress a girl he had just met in a bar while drinking with friends. He told her that the crocodiles in the nearby Johnstone River had a particular taste for backpackers and wouldn’t attack locals. And to prove it, he volunteered to jump off a wharf and into the croc infested river. Bad, bad idea. The crocodiles didn’t bother to check his papers and immediately went for him. Somehow our lovestruck romeo was able to fight off the crocs and swim to safety, but not before suffering serious injuries to his right arm. He’s recovering in a local hospital. Authorities are considering pressing charges.

He Shouldn’t Have Had That Last Croissant

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Mauleon-Licharre, France where police arrived on the scene of a break-in to find something they had never seen before. Apparently our bozo thief had taken a hammer to a large glass shop window. After some work, he had managed to punch a hole in the safety glass large enough for him to crawl through. Or that’s what he thought, anyway. He got halfway through the opening when he got stuck. He couldn’t go further in and couldn’t back out. The cops even got a picture of him to post on their Facebook page. Firefighters were called and our bozo was freed and arrested.

I Give His Dance Moves a 10 and His Thief Moves a 0

Bozo criminal for today comes from Galveston, Texas, where police were investigating a case of vandalism at one of the city’s tourism boats. Surveillance video showed our teenage bozo and two of his friends approaching the boat when he suddenly shows off some serious dance moves. Turns out those were his signature moves and the cops were able to get a positive ID on him when several of his classmates at his school recognized him. Looks like he’ll have to wait a while before accepting that call from Dancing With the Stars.

You Mean This Truck Won’t Float?

No real criminal activity in today’s report but proof once again that bozos and social media are a dangerous combination. From Lake Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, comes the story of a couple of bozos who wanted to drive from their home in Manigotagan to Peguis on the other side of the lake, a drive that would take quite some time. They were told they could save two hours by simply driving across the frozen lake. Which they decided to do, all the while streaming the trip on Facebook live. The video shows them slowing down as they approach a crack in the ice. Before they can turn around, the ice gives way and the truck falls through the ice. Our bozos were able to escape but the truck sank in less than a minute. Next time call Uber.

It Was Hard To Scoop Up a Date

Bozo criminal for today from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania did something wrong but we do have sympathy for his plight. Our bozo had a very successful business but his dating life was somewhat lacking. And he blamed it solely on his profession. So, he decided to claim he did something more exciting for a living when he went on dating websites. That’s OK, but he took it a little too far when he purchased fake Secret Service IDs and badges for himself to impress the ladies. His scheme started to unravel when a cop pulled him over for a faulty brake light and he flashed the fake badge. He’s been placed on two years probation and fined $500. Did we fail to mention the actual job that he was so embarrassed of? He was the not so proud owner of Doodle Scoopers, a successful pooper scooper company.

He Was Hoping To Clean Up

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hillsboro, Oregon. A maintenance crew was using a street sweeper to clean the parking lot of the local Winco store when the driver got off the machine to use a leaf blower. And that’s when our bozo seized the moment and sprang into action. The worker had left the street sweeper running so it was simple enough for our bozo to jump in and drive away. You have a street sweeper, now what do you do with it? Good question. In this case the answer is lead the cops on a high speed chase, with speeds up to 65 miles per hour. Must have been one souped up street sweeper. The police finally had to put down spike strips to bring the whole affair to a screeching halt. He’s been charged with vehicle theft, reckless driving, attempting to elude, unlawful entry of a vehicle, unauthorized use of a vehicle, and a parole violation.

Did She Say She Was “On a Mission From God”?

Our bozo for today comes from Joliet, Illinois, best known to Blues Brothers fans as the home of Joliet Correctional Center. Closed since 2002, the place now can be added to our list of bozo sites. It seems an unidentified teenager and her friend were exploring the abandoned place when she entered one of the cells and slammed the door behind her. Much to her surprise, the door did what it was supposed to do. It locked. With her inside. Oops. Her friend called the fire department who had to use a sledgehammer to break down a brick wall to free the girl. She’s been charged with trespassing.

Oh, and Let Me Grab My Makeup, Too

The Bozo Criminal Report continues to be amazed at how attached some are to their social media accounts, and how lightly some bozos take getting arrested. Case in point, our bozo for today from Sheboygan, Wisconsin, where our 18-year-old bozo and her 27-year-old boyfriend set up a meeting with a man “to meet and hang out” when the actual plan was to rob him and steal his pot. The robbery was successful but the cops were quickly able to track down our bozo through her Facebook posts. When the cops arrived at her parents home to place her under arrest, she asked if she could first put on a bra and then asked her father to take pictures of her in handcuffs so she could post them on Facebook. It could be her last post. She faces up to 40 years in prison.

When You Want a Frozen Treat, Nothing Beats Gelato

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 110983: When stealing a frozen treat, it’s best to eat and go. Bozo Robert Davis of Charleston, South Carolina, broke the glass windows of eight buildings on one street and four more on a street nearby. Apparently, he finally found what he was looking for…some Italian Gelato. He fled with his treat in hand, but didn’t get very far. The cops arrived, and after looking around, found our bozo nearby, drunk, bleeding, and carrying a container of gelato. He’s been charged with second degree burglary and public intoxication.

He Should Have Paid Attention In Driver’s Ed Class

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where bozo Damari Nash was on a roll. He had gotten away with his first two carjackings and decided to try a third. That’s when things went wrong. When he noticed the car was a standard transmission, he forced the carjack victim to get back into the car and show him how to drive stick. After discovering it’s not as easy as it looks, our bozo and his accomplice fled to a nearby train station, but not before stealing the victim’s phone. Another bad idea. The cops tracked the phone, contacted the Rapid Transit Authority and asked them to lock the train’s doors. Our bozo is now under arrest, charged with three counts of aggravated robbery.

Police Officers and K9s, Not the Best Hiding Place

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Losada for sending in today’s report from Provo, Utah. Bozo Derek Mitchell failed to appear at a meeting with his probation officer. Police were alerted to be on the lookout for him and after his car was spotted, they attempted to pull him over. Our bozo and two friends who were in the car with him jumped out and fled from the cops on foot. They didn’t get far before they ran into a crowd, perhaps hoping to hide. Which could have been a good idea except the crowd was made up of 30 SWAT officers and three K9 units who were in training. Oops. He’s been charged with theft, forgery, possession of a forgery device and fleeing from officers.

No Boat, No Girlfriend, and Now No Maserati

Our bozo for today wanted that new Maserati Gran Turismo really, really badly. One big problem, though, he didn’t have the $150,000 to buy it. So he came up with an elaborate plan. He visited the dealership and told the salesperson he wanted to drive the car to the Boca Raton Resort and Club to show the car to his girlfriend. Fine, said the salesperson, and he climbed into the car to ride along with him. When he arrived at the club, the girlfriend was nowhere to be seen but he convinced the salesperson to get out of the car to walk down to the dock to “look at his father’s boat.” There was no boat, but now our bozo asked the salesperson to wait at the dock while he went inside to get his girlfriend. Of course, there was no girlfriend and while the salesperson was waiting, our bozo drove off with the car. Pretty clever plan, right? Wrong. Guess he forgot he had left his driver’s license with the salesperson. Oops. He’s facing grand theft auto charges.