We Hope They At Least Enjoyed the Reece’s

Bozo criminals for today come from Allen Park, Michigan, which, like much of the country, has been experiencing hot temperatures. A couple of bozos went shopping at the local big box store and loaded three air conditioners into their cart. They then headed for the self checkout, where the man grabbed a Reece’s, scanned it and paid for it. They then exited the store without paying for the AC units, which they loaded into their car, making what would seem to be a clean getaway. Except for one small detail. The woman left her purse at the self checkout area. Oops. Inside the purse…her ID and a crack pipe. Busted! Charged with theft and possession of drug paraphernalia.

It’s the Dreaded Trouser Snake!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. Police responded to numerous 911 calls reporting a half naked woman walking in the middle of the road about 25 miles from Philadelphia. Sure enough, the reports were correct. Bozo Gloria Hayes, 35, was found walking beside the road naked from the waist down. The cops quickly took her into custody and it was then that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the police that snakes had eaten her pants. Well, that’s a new one. She’s busted! Charged with indecent exposure, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure.

We Know Why This Chicken Crossed the Property Line

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where two neighbors were involved in a dispute over a chicken. It seems that the chicken had been strolling over to poop on the neighbor’s patio. After asking the neighbor politely to control his chicken, the owner of the befouled patio decided to retaliate. She collected a large bucket of her own urine and doused the bird’s owner with it. This crappy version of an eye for an eye didn’t sit well with the man and he called the cops. After noting that he was wet and smelled of urine, the police arrested our pee thrower, charged with misdemeanor battery. No word on how long she had been storing up the pee for the attack.

So Are You Mario or Luigi?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Adams for sending in today’s report from Osage Beach, Missouri. Cops were called to a report of a break-in at a residence. They arrived to find that the homeowner had things well in hand. Our bozo was sitting on the porch, covered in blood, with the homeowner pointing a gun at him. However, before he was collared, he broke numerous chairs, windows, 2 TV’s, several tables and a few lamps, resulting in around $25,000 in damage in total. So, what would cause someone to break into a home and do such damage? Well, get ready for the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he wanted to “play a real life video game.” Cops say alcohol and drugs may have also been involved. He’s under arrest.

He Just Didn’t Think This One Through

Bozo criminal for today comes from Volusia County, Florida, where the cops received a report of a stolen Jet Ski. A bit of investigation led them to our bozo, who was found floating on what seemed to be a dead Jet Ski. He explained to the cops that he had been unable to get it started and it had stayed on board as it floated down the river. And why didn’t he simply jump off when he couldn’t get it going? He doesn’t know how to swim. Yep, only a Bozo who couldn’t swim would try to steal a Jet Ski. The cops tossed him a rope and pulled him on board their boat before charging him with grand theft and trespassing.

This Is What’s Known As An Unhappy Ending

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida. Cops were called to a report of a collision between an SUV and a FedEx truck. The police checked out the occupants of the SUV and found a man and a woman, both naked. It didn’t take long to put together what had happened. Apparently the woman was performing a sexual act on the man, who was driving and lost control, crashing into the FedEx truck. Charges are pending. In the meantime the man has been hospitalized with what was described as “injuries to the groin.” Ouch!

Sorry, Happy Hour Is At 2 PM!

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a prowler at the Red Mesa Cantina. When they arrived at 2:15 AM, they found our bozo relaxing inside a fenced area near the outdoor bar “With his pants open and his genitals exposed.” He was ready with the Bozo Excuse of the Week, explaining that he was “doing a chant and cleansing himself spiritually.” His next cleansing will come when he’s hosed down at the jail He’s charged with loitering and prowling. Add that to his priors for trespassing, obstructing police and possession of an open container of alcohol.

Ruh-Row!

Sometimes our bozos just make it too easy for the cops, as was the case in today’s story from Belfast, Maine. Police were called to the Admiral Ocean Inn on a report of a disturbance caused by a drunken man. Upon arrival, the cops initially found nothing out of the ordinary. Then one of the cops noticed a chair in front of one of the rooms that was covered by a blanket. But it didn’t appear to be an ordinary chair. It was bigger and taller than it should have been. Yep, our bozo thought he had found the perfect hiding place. He sat in the chair and covered himself with the blanket. Someone pointed out that it sounded like an episode of Scooby-Doo. He’s busted!

Just Take It Easy When You Go Over A Bump

Bozo criminal for today comes from Okanogan, Washington, where state troopers couldn’t believe what they saw. From the front, it looked just like an ordinary U-Haul truck. From behind, well let’s just say the guy took an unusual approach to hauling his car. Our bozo had crammed a SUV into the back of the truck. Well, almost. The rear wheels were hanging out and the whole thing was secured by one packing strap. After checking things out it was determined that our bozo didn’t have a valid drivers license and the truck was overdue for return. Busted! And charged with failure to secure a load.

But Wait! He Left Without Weed Eating?

We’re sure our bozo had a motive for this crime but we’re left scratching our heads on this one from Port Arthur, Texas. Home surveillance video caught our bozo taking a lawnmower from the garage. He then went back to retrieve a large gas can, which he used to fuel the mower. He then fled, right? Nope. What do you do with a fully fueled lawnmower? You mow the yard, of course! The video even shows him stopping to move a broken picket fence post so he could take care of that spot. And did we mention he did the back yard, too? The homeowner must not have been satisfied with his work as he called the cops to report what was going on. Our bozo fled, initially taking the mower with him before ditching it in an nearby alley. Cops are asking for help in finding our rogue lawn care specialist.

And Besides, That One Expired a LONG Time Ago

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bexley, England. The cops spotted our 21-year-old bozo driving recklessly. After he refused their orders to pull over, a 35 mile chase ensued, with a police helicopter called in to aid in the pursuit. The chase only ended when his car ran out of gas. Cops found a large stash of marijuana in the car. He sealed his fate when they asked for his drivers license. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a “Legoland Drivers License”, given to him as a toddler 19 years ago. Sorry, that’s not an official license. Busted! Charged with suspicion of dangerous driving, failing to stop, possession of a class B drug, driving with no insurance and driving with no license,

Next Time At Least Get a Moped

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brighton, Michigan, where our unidentified Bozo pedaled his bike down to the local convenience store. He strolled in, pulled a knife, and demanded cash from the clerk. He was given an unknown amount and made his getaway. Well, not exactly. While he was nowhere to be seen when the cops arrived, a K-9 officer picked up the scent and tracked our bozo to a nearby parking lot where he surrendered and admitted the crime.

I Was Just Trying To Find a Place That Serves Lobster Rolls

As we have all learned by now, Bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. And we have another example today from Portland, Maine. The cops didn’t have to go far to investigate this one as our bozo drove her car through the police department’s garage and through the pedestrian plaza before setting stuck when she tried to drive down a flight of stairs. And her bozo excuse? She was just following her GPS’ instructions. Yeah, and your over the limit blood alcohol level also probably had something to do with it. She’s busted! Charged with DUI.

But I Look Sooooo Hot In That Dress!

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Frankfort, Illinois, where bozo Danielle Smith found a nice dress and some jewelry at a local boutique. Unfortunately, she was a little short of cash, so she did what any bozo in need of a new outfit would do…she shoplifted it. So far, so good. But when she got home, she really liked the way she looked in that dress. Really, really liked the way she looked. So she posted a selfie of herself wearing the dress and jewelry on her Facebook page. Bad idea. The word got back to the boutique owner and he alerted the cops. Busted! Charged with theft under $500 and failure to appear in court for an unrelated pre-existing warrant.

A Giant Seal Is the Real Hero Of This Story

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ted Williamson for sending in this story which proves that even “sophisticated” drug smugglers can be bozos. It seems that everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong for this pair, beginning with when they boarded the yacht “Zero” in Madagascar. While in port, Bozo number one used his phone to take pictures of some whales swimming nearby. About an hour later, the same phone apparently “butt recorded” a conversation of our two bozos taking possession of drugs from another vessel. Oops. But that would only be a problem if they got caught, and here’s how that happened. The yacht was shipwrecked on a reef, which led to our bozos loading their drugs on a lifeboat and making their way to a nearby island. A fisherman found the yacht and the police organized a search party. The cops spotted on man “in a colorful shirt” pop up from behind some bushes and, as they approached, two men attempted to flee. And, as fate would have it, they encountered a giant seal who jumped up and bellowed at them. Thinking their odds were better with the cops than with the seal, our bozos surrendered. And did we mention that the drug dealers had dispatched another boat to rescue our stranded bozos? It ran aground also. In total, 380 kilograms of cocaine, close to 345 kilograms of MDMA or ecstasy and 171.2 kilograms of methylamphetamine were seized. Our hapless bozos and their associates face a maximum sentence of life in prison.

But That Station Across the Bridge Had Gas That Was 10 Cents a Gallon Cheaper

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s Bozo, who violated Bozo Rule Number 4433876: Always begin with a full tank. Cops in Shelby County, Tennessee were called to a report of an SUV stalled out in the middle of a bridge. Upon arrival, they found the Chevy Suburban, out of gas, and blocking the bridge. As they approached, they noticed a very strong smell of raw marijuana. Inside they found 229 pounds of pot and a duffel bag full of money. Busted! The driver has been charged with possession of a controlled substance.

Hey, a Person’s Gotta Work!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Terra Alta, West Virginia, where our Bozo Renee Payne was a passenger in an SUV pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. During questioning, the driver revealed that his bozo passenger had revealed to him that she was in possession of narcotics. A search of her backpack revealed methamphetamine, baggies containing a white substance with the weight of the product written on the bag, and a small scale with our bozo’s name written on it. The suspect remained calm and offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the officer the only reason she was selling meth was because she was unemployed and “cannot find a job.” Sorry that’s not going to fly. Busted and charged with possession with intent to deliver, a felony carrying a maximum prison term of 15 years.

But the Biggie Bag Is Only Back For a Limited Time!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bunnell, Florida, where bozo Jesse Stanger walked into his local Wendy’s and ordered lunch. He asked for the half off discount that is customarily given to law enforcement officers, claiming to be a member of the DEA. When an employee questioned his identity, he said he had been getting the discount there “for two years” and flashed a badge. This caught the attention of a manager who came over to take a look. Our bozo then became hostile and argumentative, prompting an employee to call 911. This should have been our bozo’s cue to leave, but no…He stuck around long enough to show the cops his “Concealed Weapon Permit” badge. Sorry, that doesn’t get you the discount, pal. He’s busted on felony charges of impersonating an officer.

We Know Who WON’T Be the Mother of the Year

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Monroe, Louisiana, where cops were called to a day care facility after staffers found something in a child’s lunch bag that didn’t belong there. And that’s an understatement. Inside the bag instead of a sandwich and banana they found a half gram of meth, half a Xanax bar, and several doses of the sedative Clonazepam. Now don’t worry, the child is fine, but mom is in some hot water. She told the cops she “had been looking for” the drug stash and just couldn’t remember where she had placed it. She’ll have plenty of time to think it over in jail. Cops also found nine grams of meth, digital scales, and “numerous plastic baggies used for distribution”. Busted!

That’s Why You Always Make It Out to “Cash”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. A man had his checkbook stolen from his unlocked vehicle so he went to the bank to close the account. In the process of shutting down the account, a bank employee noticed a recent check for the amount of $1600. The man confirmed that his wife’s signature had been forged on the check so the cops were called. A search began for the person who the check was made out to. After reviewing surveillance video, the cops were able to identify our bozo. Yep, she had made the check out to herself and had returned to the bank to cash it. Busted! Charged with possession of stolen property, forgery and identity theft.