He Should Have Told Them They Had the Wrong Number

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where Ruben Zavalla had been casing a muffler shop for a while and decided it looked like a pretty good place to rob. He burst in, flashed a gun and demanded that they empty the safe. Fine. Except for one thing. The manager is the only person who can open the safe and he wasn’t there. Thinking fast, our bozo came up with what seemed to be a reasonable solution. Here’s my phone number. Just call me when the manager comes in and I’ll drop by and pick up my money. Sure, thank you and have a nice day. The staff placed a call. To the cops. He’s busted!

Maybe He’s Just Trying To Let Some Fresh Air Into the Place

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York, which proves again that “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” does not apply to the Bozo Universe. It seems bozo Rickey Wilson was arrested after allegedly throwing a rock through the front glass door of the U.S. Attorney’s Office. He was charged with third degree criminal mischief and released on his own recognizance. Not the best idea. Upon release he headed straight back to the scene of the crime and threw yet another rock through a window. Another bad idea. This time he’s been arrested by the FBI. Charges are pending.

The Size Of the Fish Isn’t the Only Thing He’s Lying About!

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Bozo criminals for today come from Brazos County, Texas, where a game warden was checking a couple of fishermen for licenses. Our bozo didn’t have one and he also has some outstanding warrants so he decided to give the cop the name of his buddy, who he thought had a clean record. He was wrong. When the officer ran the fake name he discovered that this bozo also had outstanding warrants. Bozo number one was arrested and when he was being booked, decided to come clean about his real identity. He was booked under his real name with his own warrants. Oh, and you can add lying to an officer to his list of charges.

Hit Cop With Top Hat, Go To Jail

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We somehow missed this one from our New Year’s file so let’s bring you up to date. Police were called to a St. Petersburg, Florida restaurant shortly after midnight on New Year’s Day. Cops were investigating a report of an assault and were questioning the suspect when our bozo, who is his wife, kept interrupting. When the officer advised her to keep quiet, she became agitated and threw a plastic new year’s top hat at him, striking him in the forehead. Oops. Bad idea. Busted and charged with felony assault and resisting arrest. Her husband tried to intervene and was also arrested. They will bring in the new year from jail.

Uh, Well What Is It Exactly, Then?

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Pinellas County, Florida, where our 57-year-old bozo was brought in by the cops on a warrant charging her with failing to appear in court in conjunction with an alleged theft at a Walmart store. Things were going fine until a full body scan revealed something described as “an anomaly”. Further investigation found what appeared to be a glass crack pipe protruding from the woman’s privates. When it was removed from her body, she immediately stepped on it while saying, “This is not a pipe”, instead claiming that it was some sort of sex toy. She had no explanation for the remnants and “burnt markings” on the pipe. Busted! Charged with introducing contraband into a detention facility and tampering with evidence, both felonies.

And They Didn’t Even Bring Gas!

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan, where our 30-year-old bozo and his female companion were cruising down I-94 when their car stalled and rolled to a stop. Yep. Out of gas. So, what to do? Call AAA? Nope? Head out on foot to the nearest gas station? Too much trouble. Have the little woman call 911? Sure. After she called twice, our bozo decided they were taking entirely too long so he took matters into his own hands. He called 911 to report “a white man in a purple SRT fired 150 shots into his vehicle with an AK-47.” That got some cops on the scene, quick. Unfortunately for him, when they arrived, not only did they find no evidence of shots being fired, but our bozo was obviously intoxicated. And he didn’t have a valid drivers license. But he did have several outstanding warrants. Busted! And taken to jail.

This Is What Happens If You Drink Too Much Eggnog

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We don’t know how this one slipped past us, but hopefully it’s not to late to add our final Holiday Bozo of the season. Our report for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance on Christmas Day. Upon arrival the officers observed several pieces of “debris” on the floor and on the back of the alleged victim’s dress. Further investigation revealed the “debris” to be the remains of a very fragile angel Christmas ornament which our bozo had allegedly used as a weapon. Our bozo countered that, actually, it was his girlfriend who had hit HIM with the ornament. The cops could find no evidence to back up his claim and he was booked into county jail on felony charges of battery with a holiday decoration.

But That Was One Righteous Song, Dude

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Johnson County, Iowa, where the cops received a 911 report about a reckless driver. Deputies spotted our 19-year-old bozo, swerving all over the road and speeding in excess of 100 MPH. When pulled over, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he floored the accelerator on his Honda because “a good song came on” his stereo. Case closed, right? Well, not quite. When he reached over to his glove box to retrieve his registration and insurance records, a “large amount” of marijuana fell out. Cops also found a pipe and other drug paraphernalia. Busted! Booked into jail on reckless driving and drug possession charges.

They Are Supposed To Be Here To Serve, Right?

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It’s a new year, but in Florida, things never change. Our bozo couple had a problem. They were in the process of burglarizing a home when they realized they had hit the jackpot. In fact, they had so much stuff, there was just no way they could move it out of the house by themselves. So, what to do? Call 911 for help, of course. Yep, she called 911 to ask for assistance, and while she was asking she also said they needed a ride to the airport for a weekend getaway they had planned in New York. When the cops arrived, they were still in the house organizing their stuff. They got a ride directly to jail.

Credit Mother Nature For This Arrest

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As the year winds down, here’s one that moves right to the top of the list of Bozos for 2022. From Gainesville, Georgia, comes the story of our bozo who had an armed robbery all planned out. He waited outside a local business, hidden in some bushes, waiting for an employee to emerge so he could jump him. He failed to take into account the side door, and when someone emerged from that exit, it frightened him, causing him to fire off his gun and attempt a hasty getaway. All good except…look out for that icy spot on the sidewalk! He took a nasty fall and was knocked silly, giving bystanders an opportunity to disarm him and call the cops. Busted! Charged with armed robbery and aggravated assault.

He Could Have Gotten a Real Bang Out of This

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Sometimes we have to waive the “criminal” qualification from one of our stories that is so totally Bozo that we just can’t pass it up. Such is the case with today’s story from the International File in Toulon, France. Our 88 (yes 88) year-old bozo showed up at the hospital and reported that he had inserted an object up his rectum and couldn’t remove it. No problem, let’s take you into x-ray and take a look. Hold on…that looks like…an artillery shell?! Not taking any chances the hospital was evacuated and incoming patients diverted until the situation could be further assessed. The man told them it was indeed a World War I artillery shell, eight inches long and two inches wide, that he had inserted up his backside for “sexual pleasure.” The man was taken into surgery where the shell was removed without incident. Shell-shocked doctors and bomb disposal experts said that, while it was possible, it was unlikely the shell would have exploded inside the man.

I Knew We Should Have Had That Damn Cat Declawed!

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Bozo criminal for today from Tampa, Florida, violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 98944232: It’s never a good idea to use animals as a weapon. The cops were called to a residence on a report of domestic battery. Further investigation found that our bozo, Susan Franklin, had gotten into an argument with her girlfriend, at which time she picked up her cat and used it to scratch the face of her domestic partner. The victim, who suffered numerous lacerations on her face, pressed charges and our bozo was charged with domestic battery. The cat, while clearly an accomplice, was not charged.

This Was a List He Really Didn’t Want To Be On

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Rockdale County, Georgia, where the local Sheriff’s department posted a “Most Wanted List” on their Facebook page. Obviously, they were hoping to hear from the public giving them leads on catching these dangerous crooks. What they got was instead a response from a Bozo who felt slighted by the whole thing. Bozo Christopher Spencer posted “How about me” on the Sheriff’s Office page. Bad idea. The cops quickly tracked him down and placed him under arrest, but not before replying on social media, “You are correct. You have two warrants. We are on the way.” Busted!

You’re a Mean One!

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Tis the holiday season and as always the Bozos are coming out in force. Today’s story comes from Traverse City, Michigan, where the cops were called to a disturbance at a Christmas party at the Hotel Indigo. Apparently a man in a Grinch costume got into a fight with another partygoer in a reindeer outfit. When the fight spilled out of the bar and into the lobby area, a hotel employee tried to intervene. And that’s when things took a nasty turn. Instead of fighting each other, Mr. Reindeer and Mr. Grinch turned on the poor employee, with Mr. Reindeer shoving him to the ground. The Grinch then pummeled the poor guy, giving him a black eye and breaking his watch. The cops arrived and, after getting things under control, arrested the Grinch and charged him with assault and battery. Mr. Reindeer got a warning to be nice and was not charged.

A Christmas Tradition

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Once again, it’s the holiday season. And once again we are pleased to report that many local Walmart stores are hosting the “Shop With a Cop” event where officers assist local children shopping for Christmas presents. And of course every year bozos want to get involved, too. Today’s report comes courtesy of Gregory Lay who let us know what happened during the event in St. Cloud, in Osceola County, Florida. It seems the Walmart there was in total Shop With a Cop mode, with the store full of 40 deputies, the forensics team, the community services team, the CSOs, the OSCO Majors and the Sheriff when bozo Brad decided to shoplift a few items, including gloves and perfume. Bad, bad idea. He’s under arrest.

Hey, Being a Bozo Is Hard Work

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Bozo criminals for today come from Houston, Texas, where a homeowner was in the process of moving out of her residence when she returned home to find a broken window and some things in disarray. Then she noticed something else…two bozos asleep on her patio. Cops were called and apparently our crooks completely wore themselves out ransacking her house and decided to take a brief nap before making their getaway. They’re now getting plenty of rest in the county jail.

This Crime Was a Whiz

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Miramar Beach, Florida, where the cops were called to the Ann Taylor store on a report of a shoplifting incident. Cops were led to the dressing room where our bozo had left the tags for 18 items behind. But that wasn’t all she left. Her cell phone was there. And, unexpectedly, she also left behind some pee. Yep, she peed on the floor. Well, there’s your DNA right there. Cops used the phone to get in touch with her husband who ratted her out and gave them a description of the car she was driving. In the meantime, another call came in, this time from Saks Off Fifth, where she tried to steal six pair of men’s jeans by hiding them under her coat. A deputy grabbed her and found the other stolen items in her car. Busted! No word on the fate of the pee.

Fill ‘Er Up

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Wright, Kentucky, where the cops set up a prostitution sting at the local Days Inn. It didn’t take long before they recognized our bozo, who had been busted for plying her trade previously. This story wouldn’t merit mentioning except for one thing. Her John didn’t give her cash. He gave her a $100 Speedway gas card. Well, times are tough all over, even for working ladies. Busted! Charged with prostution.

Bag. Gun. Who Wouldn’t Get Them Confused?

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England. Our crook had his robbery of the Halifax bank all planned out. He would walk in, gun in one hand and a bag for the cash in the other. He would flash the gun, demand cash, and make a clean getaway. Sounds good, right? Let’s see what went wrong. He walked in as planned. Demanded cash as planned. Handed the gun to the teller. Huh? Yep, he got confused and instead of handing the bag to the teller, he passed over the gun. The teller grabbed the weapon, sounded the alarm and sent down the security shutters. There was nothing left for our bozo to do but run out and pedal away on a bank worker’s bike, which was just outside the door. An arrest is pending.

Maybe the Judge Will Go Easy On Him Since He Said “Please”

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Bozo Criminal for today from the International File in Zagreb, Croatia proves once again that bozos and modern technology don’t mix. The cops pulled over our two bozos for driving erratically and, upon further investigation, discovered 100 grams of marijuana in their car. They were taken to the station for further questioning and that’s when they received a text from one of their bozo friends. And what was in that text? It was simple and straight to the point, “Water my weed, please.” Busted! Cops discovered a small backyard plantation at his house.