And While You’re Confessing, Tell Us Who Sold You Those Drugs

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida, where this call was a first for the 911 operators. Bozo Christy Taylor dialed them up to report that she was attempting to steal a car. Huh? Yep, she told the emergency operator that she was “trying to steal a car that’s not legally mine. So, ya’ll better come make a report.” To make things even easier, she also gave them the address of the car dealership. When the cops arrived, she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. She said she was being trained in Black Ops to steal cars and she made the call so she could “do it legally.” Um, that’s not how it works. She’s been taken into custody and is facing trespassing charges.

One Beer, Two Beers, Three Beers, Floor

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Lavonia, Georgia, which also is a violation of Bozo Rule Number 3332323: If you return to the scene of the crime, at least try to stay awake. It seems bozo Manuel Parra broke into a residence, found a large jar of loose change and used it to purchase some beer. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to return to the scene of the crime to consume it. One thing led to another and the next thing you know he’s passed out on the bedroom floor. And that’s where the homeowners parents, who were keeping an eye on the home, found him. Dad was packing and he held our bozo at gunpoint until officers arrived. Busted! And charged with breaking and entering and burglary.

I Don’t Care. I’m Not Moving Until These Nails Are Dry

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where our unidentified bozo thought a nail salon would be a great place for a hold-up. He was wrong. Surveillance camera footage shows him entering the salon, his hand in a bag, and shouting, “Everybody get down! Give me all your money.” Nail salon patrons and employees are not impressed. They simply stare at him and most barely move or change expressions. Finally one customer stands up, but instead of handing over her money, she backs out the door. Seeing that this just isn’t going as planned, our bozo gives up and leaves the salon.

It’s Getting To Where a Guy Just Can’t Get a Nap In His Car Anymore

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, Kentucky, where the cops were called to a report of a suspicious vehicle in a video store parking lot. Upon arrival, police found bozo David Reagan passed out behind the wheel of his car. They woke up sleeping beauty and asked him to hand over his ID. Instead, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a baggy of meth, pills and a large sum of US currency. Oops. Busted! Charged with trafficking in a controlled substance and public intoxication.

It Really Wasn’t That Big Of a Deal

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Rock Rapids, Iowa. The cops pulled bozo Joel Garcia over after observing him driving “all over the road.” When asked for ID, our bozo presented a Minnesota ID card which contained some interesting information, most notably that he was 8 feet tall. When asked to step out of the car, only 5’8″ of him appeared. He’s been charged with narcotics possession, operating a vehicle while intoxicated, and providing cops with a false ID. Other than possibly having the worst case of short man syndrome ever, no other explanation was given for why his ID showed him to be 8 feet tall.

And the Turn Signal Stalk Was a Flat Head Screwdriver

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ken Landers for sending in today’s report from the International File in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, Canada. RCMP Mounties noticed our bozo driving erratically and pulled him over. When they approached the man behind the wheel, they discovered he wasn’t behind the wheel at all. Because there wasn’t one. Only a steering column with a couple of vice grips attached to it. Bonus points for creativity, bozo. Unfortunately he wasn’t so creative when it came to his drivers license, as he didn’t have one. Busted! and also ordered to have the vehicle inspected for safety.

So, At What Point Does It Sound Like Fun To Go Kick a Bison?

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Lay for sending in today’s report from the Don’t Poke the Bear, er… Bison department. Yellowstone National Park rangers were called to a report of an injured man about seven miles east of the park’s entrance. Further investigation revealed that he had gotten into an altercation. With a bison. Yep, he was harassing a bison and kicked the critter in the leg. Bad idea. A little bison information for you…they weigh up to 2000 pounds, can run up to 30 miles per hour, are agile and can jump over objects five feet in height. And they can be aggressive. He was taken to the hospital and treated for undisclosed injuries. He’s been charged with being under the influence of alcohol, disorderly conduct, approaching wildlife and disturbing wildlife. All of which carry a fine of $5000 and six months in jail. And the bison? He’s fine.

She Obviously Is a Big Fan of “Weekend At Bernies”

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Our Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Our bozo rolled her “Uncle’s” wheelchair up to the loan department of the local bank and told the clerk she would like to take out a $3400 loan, using him as a co-signer. “Uncle” didn’t look too good. His head would fall over unless she held it up and his color was ashen gray. That didn’t stop her as she placed a pen in his drooping hand and told him to hold it “hard.” No response from “Uncle.” She then said, “Uncle, are you listening? Sign so you don’t give me any more headaches.” When an employee expressed her concerns over “Uncle’s” condition, she said, “He’s like that. He doesn’t say anything.” And he won’t be saying anything because the poor guy’s dead. Cops were called and after it was determined “Uncle” was deceased, our bozo was arrested, facing charges of fraud, embezzlement and abuse of a corpse.

Nope, You Can’t Blame This On Cornholio

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from the seldom used Beavis and Butthead File. A high school student in Baldwinsville, New York has been arrested after he allegedly sent a fax to school officials that appeared to be from the principal announcing that he was resigning. Our Butthead wannabe even went so far as send the fax on what looked like official school letterhead. What tripped him up was that cover sheet. On the phone number line, Butthead included his own cell phone number. Oops. Busted! And charged with criminal impersonation.

Guess He Didn’t Want That Kind of Exposure

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Iowa City, Iowa, where an 11-year-old girl reported that a man had followed her around the local Walmart store and exposed himself to her. Our bozo flasher got away but Walmart security cameras caught a nice picture of him which the cops posted on their Facebook page, asking for help in identifying him. They got help all right, but not from the source they expected. Our bozo called the police department to request that they please remove the picture from their site. Not the best idea. He’s now under arrest, charged with indecent exposure, an aggravated misdemeanor. It’s not his first time to be locked up, as he has priors for indecent exposure, as well as convictions for theft, narcotics possession, probation violation, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

And Just Give Me the Change In Small Bills, Please

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Louisville, Kentucky, where bozo Conor Lucas walked into the local Porsche dealership and said he wanted to buy a car. And he had the cash money, too, as he showed them a check he had for $78 million. Yep, 78 million dollars. Undeterred when management refused his offer, our bozo walked into the parts department “looking for the keys.” When he continued to refuse to leave until he got his car, the cops were called. Busted! And charged with criminal trespassing and disorderly conduct. One final note, it seems the tried the same trick the day before at the Land Rover dealership, but this time the check was only for $12 million.

Maybe Next Time Just Try a Dozen Roses

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in the Kemerovo region of Russia. It seems our lovesick bozo had a fight with his wife and to make up to her, he decided to play the role of “Prince Charming” and rode his horse over to their apartment. He then walked the horse through the lobby where the big fella left a smelly reminder of his presence. And after he couldn’t get the horse into the elevator, he rode him up five flights of stairs to the fifth floor. Instead of being impressed, the wife called the cops, who are still trying to decide what to charge Charming with. The good news, the horse was removed from the building without incident and is now happily back at the farm.

Maybe Switch It Out and Wear the Shirt With Tommy On It

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from St. Louis, Missouri, in which there is a clear violation of Bozo Rule Number 553223: Change wardrobe frequently to avoid identification. It seems our 16-year-old bozo used a firearm to pull off five separate carjackings. And he might have gotten away with it if had just hadn’t worn the same blue Rugrats sweatshirt with the picture of Chuckie on it on every crime. When he was picked out of a lineup by three of his victims, his fate was sealed when the cops found the sweatshirt inside his residence. Busted! Charged with five felony charges of first degree robbery.

Well, Just Make Yourself At Home

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Chaparral, New Mexico where a woman arrived home from work to find a bozo in her kitchen. Bozo Tommy Lang was heating up a bowl of soup and stirring up a glass of Nestle Quik when she rushed next door to call the cops. Further investigation revealed our bozo had eaten a lot of the victim’s food, put on a pair of her shoes, ripped up some of her pictures, and re-arranged her toileteries. Furthermore, he claimed he had been dating the woman “since pre-school” and lived with her in the house. The woman told the police she had never seen the man before in her life. Busted! Charged with breaking and entering and destruction of property.

Perhaps Greyhound Wasn’t Available

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Lay for sending in today’s report from Cochise County, Arizona. It seems our bozo, fresh out of prison, took a liking to a truck driver stopped at the Love’s in Wilcox, Arizona. Or maybe what he really liked was the load the driver was hauling. A truckload of brand new Chevrolet Corvettes, valued at over $1,250,000. Anyway, he struck up a conversation with the driver and ended up grabbing him and throwing him out of the cab. He then took off down the highway with his load of ‘Vettes. Needless to say, this attracted the attention of local law enforcement and it wasn’t long before they had him pulled over. It was then he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he didn’t really care about the Corvettes, he just needed a truck to get home as he had just been released from prison. Sure. He’s headed right back, charged with multiple felony charges, including robbery, 11 counts of theft of means of transportation and felony theft.

Sometimes They Just Make This Too Easy

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from the International File in London, England. In a classic case of self-arrest, our bozo dialed 999, the British equivalent of 911, and told the operator he’d had a rough weekend. He went on to say he was drunk and “didn’t know what he was doing.” Fortunately, he knew enough to pull over to the side of the road, where the police found him shortly thereafter. Busted! And charged with drunken driving.

Well, They Say Every Successful Business Needs To Advertise

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Our bozo had a little start-up drug business outside a casino in Calgary and sales weren’t as good as he had hoped. So, he did what any bozo would do, he decided to advertise by handing out business cards…with a small baggie of cocaine attached to the back of the card. It didn’t take long before the cops got wind of his little operation and, since his phone number and contact information were right there on the card, he was pretty easy to track down. They found him in possession of 50 baggies of cocaine, a digital scale with drug residue, and $1280 in cash. Cops also seized a box of business cards with the name “Alex Lee.” Busted! Charged with possession of drugs with intent to distribute.

Was That Egg Solid or Hollow?

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With Christmas behind us, we are now seeing stores stocked with items for upcoming holidays, and that ultimately led to the arrest of our bozo for today from Tarpon Springs, Florida. Apparently bozo John Richardson was in line to check out at the local Circle K when he suddenly became irate. As the cashier tried to complete the transaction, our bozo switched checkout lines and handed his money to another clerk. He then picked up a chocolate Easter egg and hurled it at the first cashier. But he wasn’t done, as he then jumped over the counter and continued to pummel the poor employee with the chocolate confection. Cops were called and Peter Cottontail was tracked down and arrested, charged with battery, and booked into the county jail.

Next Time Just Have the Driver Turn the Music Up

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Bozo criminal for today from Bangor, Maine, got a little chatty with his Uber driver. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be a bad thing, but the subject matter was somewhat questionable. On the way to the local TJ Maxx, Bozo Kevin Garrison told the driver that he planned to rob the store when he got there. And, by the way, he had warrants out for his arrest. And, he had drugs on him, which he proved by showing them to the driver. The driver took it all in and called the cops when he dropped Mr. Chatty off. The cops arrived quickly, before he had a chance to pull off the heist. He was found to be in possession of drugs. It was also determined he had been arrested 12 times this year and had seven sets of pre-conviction bail prohibiting him from returning to multiple businesses due to theft charges at those stores. Busted! Charged with theft, refusal to submit to arrest, drug possession, and violation of conditions of release.

Those Must Be Some Mighty Fine Fried Pickles

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Lawrence, Indiana. Bozo Justin Carter pulled up to the Buffalo Wild Wings around closing time and tried to order some fried pickles. Upon being told that the kitchen was closed, our bozo told employees that he would “make it worth it” if they would get those pickles frying. Our bozo, who was wearing an ankle monitor as a result of a prior drug arrest, offered marijuana, cocaine, Ecstasy, and vape cartridges containing THC in exchange for said pickles. Employees said no deal and our bozo left, but not before leaving three small bags of marijuana, telling the manager to “Give those bags to the kids.” Cops were called and they tracked our bozo to the nearby Speedway gas station where he was busted. Charged with multiple felony and misdemeanor narcotics charges and booked into the county jail.