It Was Either a Bozo, or a Really Big Rat

It’s never a good sign when your attorney tells the judge you committed a “crime of stupidity.” But that’s exactly what happened to bozo Sammy Burt of Easton, Pennsylvania. Apparently our bozo thought it would be a good idea to use a saw to cut a hole in the wall between his basement and the neighbor’s. He then crawled through and stole $200 worth of quarters. Guess he thought no one would ever suspect him of the crime. Unfortunately, he was wrong. Genius has been sentenced to three months in jail.

Maybe Driving a Cab Is Not For You

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Des Moines, Iowa. Bozo Ryan Davis was in need of a job, and he saw where the local taxi company was hiring. Obviously, applying for a job can be stressful and our bozo drank a few cups of courage the night before. Quite a few, apparently, as he was still intoxicated when the showed up for the interview at 9:25 am. He was observed trying to maneuver into a parking space and hitting an adjacent car. He then backed up and tried again, only to crash into the car in front of him. Someone decided to stop the madness and call the cops. Our bozo then blew a whopping .273 on the breath test, three times over the legal limit. Needless to say he was arrested. And he didn’t get the job.

Keep the, uh, Chimp!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eugene, Oregon, where the cops thought they had seen everything, then they met the prostitute who was paid with money stolen from the Girl Scouts and tipped with a stolen monkey. The story unfolds something like this. It seems bozo Allen McIntyre stole the Girl Scouts money, the monkey, some additional cash and a laptop from his wife’s pet store, the Zany Zoo Pet Shop. He then found himself a prostitute at a nearby hotel and, if he had only used the Girl Scouts cash to pay, things would probably have gone OK. It was when he left her behind with the monkey as a tip that she decided to call the cops. He’s been charged with soliciting. The prostitute was not charged, and the monkey is going to be just fine.

He Must Have Been Plowed

Bozo criminal for today from Rutland, Vermont, violated Bozo Rule Number 33892: Your getaway vehicle should be inconspicuous as possible. Vermont police say bozo Chase Rogers was seen driving a tractor up to bank’s night deposit box and repeatedly crashing into it, trying to break it open. After failing in his attempt, our bozo drove to a nearby apartment complex, where he ditched the tractor and ran into the woods. The cops quickly caught up with him and placed him under arrest. No word on the fate of the tractor.

Next Time Just Give Starbucks Gift Cards Like Everyone Else

Bozo criminals for today come from Mankato, Minnesota, where the cops received a tip that the owners of a local auto body shop where giving rather unusual “bonuses” to their employees. Agents of the local drug task force investigated the shop and observed the owners giving six of their employees “bonus” baggies containing a half-gram of meth. Bet those guys did some quality body work. Syringes and a digital scale along with drugs were found at the shop. They’re busted!

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s a…Steak?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Longview, Texas, where bozo Joe Kirk visited the local Wal-Mart and shoplifted a few choice steaks. The cops were called and they were soon involved in a high speed chase with our steak wielding bozo. The chase continued across two counties, at times topping speeds of 100 MPH. Somewhere along the way, he decided to jettison any extra weight, including the steaks, which he began tossing out the window of the speeding vehicle. The officer reports one of the steaks bounced off the roof of the patrol car. He was eventually caught, steak-free, and charged with theft and evading officers.

Whatever You Do, Don’t Put Those Cheetos Back On the Shelf!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report. Bozo Melissa Porter walked into a convenience store and grabbed a bag of Cheetos, which she stashed “under her sundress in her groin area”. She then picked up a six-pack of Bud Light and headed for the door. An employee confronted her and got the beer back but the Cheetos were not given up. Our bozo then headed across the street and into a wooded area with the store employee in hot pursuit. A scuffle ensued, with the the clerk being punched in the eye. The cops were called and our bozo was tracked down, “with the Cheetos on her person.” She’s been charged with theft and battery.

He Really Stepped In It

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Easington Colliery, England, where the cops were called to a report of a break-in at a second-hand store. It didn’t take long before the police noticed some white paint had been spilled inside the store. And from that puddle of paint, were some very clear footprints leading through the store, out the front door, and directly to our bozo’s home nearby. Cops followed the trail and found bozo Mark Curtis inside, with paint on his shoes and stolen goods from the store in in back yard. Busted! Time from the crime being reported to our bozo’s arrest: less than 30 minutes.

This Is No Bull

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brownwood, Texas, where the cops were called to a report of a bull charging passing cars. When they arrived, they discovered that, well, it wasn’t exactly a bull. Instead they found bozo Sara Moore, who was extremely intoxicated and was charging at passing cars like a bull. The officer turned her over to her sister and teenage son after she assured the officer she would stay inside. She didn’t. He was called back a short time later when she started playing El Toro in traffic again. This time she was arrested and charged with public intoxication and assault.

Next Time Take The Bus

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Cliff Weixel for sending in today’s report from Clay County, Minnesota, where bozo Robert Nathan was seen driving erratically, approaching an intersection at a high rate of speed and swerving at the last minute to avoid hitting a bus. He then almost hit some other cars parked at a red light before finally being pulled over and ticketed by the cops. And how was it that the cops were able to find and arrest our bozo so quickly? Remember that bus he almost rear-ended? It was full of police officers, who were looking for distracted drivers as part of a safe driving campaign. Oops. He’s been charged with DUI, no drivers license and careless driving.

Another Tale From Naked City

Bozo criminal for today comes from Coachella, California, where a Fed-Ex driver was parked in front of a residence delivering a package when he was approached by bozo Albert Lopez. Mr. Lopez was totally naked and demanded that the driver hand over the keys. Thinking it was not a good idea to mess with a naked guy, the driver gave him the keys and ran to a residence to call the cops. In the meantime, our bozo got the Fed-Ex van started but couldn’t figure out how to get it in gear. Thinking this maybe wasn’t the best idea, he ran from the vehicle only to be quickly captured by the cops. He’s under arrest.

Shoulda Bought a Die Hard

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo Gordon Slater was drinking with his girlfriend at the local bar. When closing time came at 2 a.m., he noticed she had left without him, so, he did what any bozo would do, he found a truck with the keys in it and used it to drive himself home. Apparently, he liked the truck so much he decided to keep it, and that’s what got him into trouble. About a week later, the battery on the truck gave out and our bozo needed a jump. So, what did he do? He approached a deputy sheriff and asked for help. Instead of help, he was given a free ride to jail, charged with grand theft auto.

And the Artwork Grade: C Minus

Bozo criminal for today comes from Livermore Falls, Maine, where bozo Charlene Wilson received a parking fine reminder in the mail. Now she had two problems. She had a parking fine and her inspection sticker was out of date. What to do? She came up with the ultimate bozo solution. She took the yellow parking fine reminder, and, with a little magic marker artwork, she created her own inspection sticker, which she applied to the windshield. Her plan worked until she was pulled over by a cop for a routine traffic stop. She now faces up to six months in jail and a $1000 fine, plus whatever the fine for the parking ticket was.

Mom Had Always Told Him To Share

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Spartanburg, South Carolina, where the cops received a rather unusual 911 call. Bozo Nicholas Barker was on the other end of the line, complaining that his mom “was mad and yelling at him” because he had smoked “the last of the methamphetamine.” The cops had to go look into this one. When they got there our bozo was still upset and screaming about his mom being mad at him. Further investigation proved he had indeed smoked the last of the meth. He’s been arrested and charged with causing a disturbance.

She Just Really, Really Wanted Some Frozen Yogurt.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Great Falls, Montana, where a local coffeeshop was hosting its annual “Coffee with a cop” get together where the public was invited to come by and get to know the local officers. More than a dozen uniformed officers were inside and at least one cruiser was parked outside with its flashing lights on when bozo Charlene Harper wheeled into the parking lot, bumping a light pole before staggering out of her car. She then proceeded to walk in, pass the uniformed officers and head for the frozen yogurt machine in the back. One of the officers then followed her into the parking lot and, after determining she was well over the limit, placed her under arrest.

And No, They Weren’t In a White Ford Bronco

Bozo criminals for today come from Los Angeles, California, where police were called to a report of a home burglary. Our two bozos fled when they saw the cops approaching, and that’s when things got weird. They first took off down the freeway, before pulling off in the Hollywood area. At one point, they clipped another car and then they had to slow down to avoid people in crosswalks. The chase came to a halt when a TMZ tour bus blocked them in before another car moved and they were able to maneuver around it. During the chase, the passenger waved to other motorists and at one point stood up, danced in the seat and made hand gestures. The car then picked up speed as they headed into a South Los Angeles neighborhood. They did a couple of donuts before stopping where a group of young men were standing in a driveway. The driver got out and sat on the hood. They both took selfies, and exchanged hugs and high fives with the bystanders before finally surrendering to the cops.

Hands Up! And Drop the Lettuce!

Bozo News Hawk Troy House found today’s story from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where bozo Lindsay Washington was apparently unaware of seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 332928: Use the tongs. An off-duty cop was enjoying the salad bar at the local Mazzio’s Pizza when she noticed our bozo using her bare hands to scoop lettuce onto her plate. The deputy informed restaurant employees who immediately replaced the lettuce. The deputy then observed our bozo return to the salad bar and once again dig into the lettuce with her bare hands. Having seen enough, the deputy cautioned the woman, telling her she should not do that. Apparently that didn’t sit too well with our bozo, who then took a swing at the deputy, knocking her glasses off. Bad idea. She never got to finish her salad. She’s been charged with assault and battery.

Give Me All Your Money Or I’ll…Squirt!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Maplewood, Missouri, where bozo Emmanuel Potter walked into the Sole Survivor Leather Store and demanded cash, pointing a gun at the owner. The owner took one look at the multicolored plastic water pistol that our bozo was pointing at him and told him no dice. He pushed the gun away and called the cops. Our bozo was apprehended a short time later. He tried the old Bozo Excuse of “it was only a joke” but was arrested anyway.

I Want My Nacho Cheese Loco Taco and I Want It Now!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsfield, Massachusetts where bozo Derrick Fowler drove up to his neighborhood Taco Bell only to find it closed. Suffice to say, this did not please Mr. Bozo. When no one answered him in the drive-thru, he honked his horn for two full minutes. When an employee finally came out to tell him the place was shut down for the night, he sped away, ran into a curb, lost control, and crashed into a free standing ATM building, knocking himself unconscious. The cops were called and our bozo was charged with reckless operation of a motor vehicle and vandalism. No word on whether he ever got his taco.

At Least He Was Static Free

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brookside, Alabama, where the cops were conducting a drug raid at a residence. Several people attempted to flee and were corralled by the cops, who then proceeded with a search of the house. After an hour and a half of tagging evidence, one of the officers noticed a strange sound, which seemed to be coming from the laundry room. As he listened closer, he determined it was coming from the dryer. No, it wasn’t running, but it did have a full load. It seems bozo Christopher Ellis had climbed into the dryer to hide from the cops and and fallen sound asleep and was snoring loudly. Sleeping Beauty was awakened and placed under arrest.