Next Time Try the Old Finger In the Pocket Trick

Bozo criminal for today comes from Providence, Rhode Island, where bozo Gary Davis walked into a convenience store and demanded cash. The convenience store clerk showed no fear and simply reached under the counter and grabbed a baseball bat, which sent him running out of the store. Undeterred, our bozo went next door to a dry cleaners and tried the same trick. Again, the employee didn’t seem to feel threatened and reached into a decoy register and handed him a fake $20 bill. Armed with a good description and some security camera photos, the cops were able to make a quick arrest. Oh, we did forget to mention one thing. Perhaps the reason the employees didn’t feel threatened was our bozo’s choice of weapon. In both instances he was armed with a potato which he pointed at the clerks.

Mama Knows Best

Bozo criminal for today comes from Knox County, Tennessee, where bozo Zachery Logan was a little short of cash. Instead of looking for gainful employment, he hatched a bozo plan. He texted his mother and told her that he was being held captive by drug dealers and they were going to kill him unless she paid a $200 ransom. Only problem, he’d pulled a similar stunt before and instead of sending him the cash, Mom called the cops. They set up a fake money drop and our bozo was arrested when he showed up to collect.

Next Time Just Use Your Personalized Stationery

Bozo criminal for today failed in so many ways. From Pompano Beach, Florida comes the story of bozo Felipe Ortega who walked into a Chase Bank and handed the teller a holdup note. Instead of giving him the cash, she stepped away from the window and our bozo left empty handed. Unfortunately, he left behind that holdup note, which happened to be written on the back of an online job application that contained our bozo’s username and password. Add to add to his problems, the FBI was able to lift his fingerprints off the note. Oops. He’s busted!

And Your Request to Be Moved to the Frank Sinatra Wing Is Denied

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Gloucestershire, England definitely has our sympathies. It seems bozo Robert Starkey was in the middle of a 6 year sentence for armed robbery when the stress of being in prison finally got to him. So he formulated his plan for escape. Under cover of darkness, he scaled one of the prison walls and headed for the hills. As far as prison escapes go, it was a relatively successful one. He enjoyed 20 days of peace and quiet before he was captured. And that brings us to the reason for his escape attempt, and the reason he ended up on the Bozo Report. He wanted to get out of jail not because he was hungry for freedom and not because of abusive guards. Nope, instead it was his inmates and their choice of music that put him over the edge. He told authorites that it was the relentless sound of rap music that was being played day and night that finally got to him. The judge was not sympathetic. He’s had ten more months added to his sentence.

Nothing a Little Drivers Ed Course Could’t Help

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clarksville, Tennessee, where police were called to a church parking lot after Easter Sunday Services on a report of a domestic disturbance. Upon further investigation, the officers learned that a married couple had gotten into an argument over the wife’s driving skills, or lack thereof, while on the way to church. They were apparently still arguing about it when they returned to their car and the husband refused to get in. The wife then attempted to run him over. Perhaps the husband was right, as she missed and hit the curb. She was arrested and charged with aggravated assault.

Another Reason to Use H&R Block

With tax day now past us, apparently some bozos are getting antsy about their refund checks. From St. Petersburg, Florida comes the story of bozo James Moore who dialed 911 to ask about the status of his refund. When he continued to question the operator, even after she told him this did not qualify as an emergency, officers were dispatched. He was still on the phone with 911 when the officers arrived. Hope his refund check is a big one. He was sentenced to two days in jail and a $450 fine for 911 abuse.

Next Time, Get a Bigger Backpack!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from Spokane, Washington, where bozo Casey Blake stole a shotgun and fled the scene on his bicycle. Sounds like a successful heist, except for one small detail. The shotgun was too large to fit completely in his backpack, and it was clearly visible to the cops when he pedaled by a patrol car. Upon questioning him, they discovered that our bozo was a convicted felon and it is illegal for him to possess a firearm. He was also found to be in possession of methamphetamine. He’s busted!

When Asked Why She Did It, She Said, “Tastes Like Bacon”

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Brampton, England, where police had been stumped after a series of tire slashing incidents, with more than 10 vehicles reporting their tires had been punctured. So the cops set up a “bait car” in the area and placed a security camera nearby so our bozo could hopefully be caught red handed. And he was caught, but we would have to call it “red pawed.” The video footage showed Jess the Border Collie running up to the parked car and taking a big bite out of the tire. Jess’s owners were very embarassed, saying that they usually let her off the leash after a walk in the area and had no idea she was attacking the tires. They say they will reimburse all the victims for the damage and will keep her on her leash from now on.

Try a Cab Next Time

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sonora, California, where bozo James Matthews was due in court on controlled substance charges. He was running behind and it was too late to catch the bus, so he did what to the Bozo Mind was a logical thing. He visited a used car lot and stole a 2001 Mitsubishi which he proceeded to drive to the courthouse. Although he did make it to court, it was not the best idea. Cops were able to track down the vehicle using a GPS device. Our bozo now has another court appearance, this one for possession of stolen property and possession of a controlled substance after marijuana was found in the vehicle.

Honest, Officer, He Was There Just a Minute Ago

Bozo criminal for today comes from Renton, Washington, which, like many areas has a “carpool” lane exclusively for drivers who share a ride to work with other commuters. And, this quite often leads to some rather creative ways to try to disguise an empty passenger seat as being occupied. Our bozo for this morning put perhaps the least effort ever into concealing that empty seat. No cardboard cutout, no inflatable doll. He simply stuck a hat on the headrest and hoped for the best. Didn’t work. An officer spotted the strange looking passenger and our bozo was fined $124.

Hope He Remembers His Income Tax Today!

Bozo criminal for today, Nashon Stone, from Chicago, Illinois, walked into a convenience store and purchased a $1.79 bottle of Pepsi. When the clerk told him there would be an additional 22 cent charge for sales tax, our bozo went off. He threatened the clerk and everyone in the store with a 22 caliber submachine gun and said, “This is my neighborhood. I’m tax exempt.” Apparently he was wrong about his tax status. The cops tracked him down after viewing the security footage and charged him with felony use of a weapon, aggravated assault and three other counts.

And He Probably Didn’t Even Thank Her For Her Purchase Either

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lufkin, Texas, where bozo Evelyn Hastings was not satisfied with a business transaction, so she did what any bozo would do, she took her complaint to the cops. Which would have been fine, except for the fact that the transaction she had a complaint about was the purhase of $40 worth of marijuana. Officers arrived at her residence to hear her complain that for $40 all she had received was “seeds and residue”, and the dealer had refused to refund her money. She then reached into her bra and pulled out what was left of the pot to prove it. Bad idea. It may have been mostly seeds, but she’s still under arrest for possession.

Hear No Evil, See No Evil…What’s the Third One?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Livermore Falls, Maine, where bozo Douglas Grier was pulled over by an officer who recognized him and knew his license was suspended. At this point he should have just kept quiet, but, of course, being a bozo, he just couldn’t do it. He told the officer that the marijuana in the car wasn’t his because he had “stolen the car.” And upon further investigation the officer discovered he wasn’t kidding. Oops. He’s now been charged with felony theft instead of a civil violation of a small amount of marijuana.

He Should Have Tried a Reboot First…

Our bozo for today from Dover, New Hampshire is yet another example of the old adage that bozos and technology just don’t mix. It seems Casey Walker stole an Apple laptop computer about a year ago. The trail went cold and the police had just about given up when the original owner of the laptop received an email from Apple thanking him for calling customer service to inquire about the computer. Except he hadn’t called Apple. Yep, our bozo had called to get a question answered about his stolen computer not realizing that the original owner’s email address was still in the database. Using information he gave Apple, the cops were able to track him down and place him under arrest.

Guess His “Wife Beater” Was Dirty

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 110007: Sometimes it’s best to just wear a plain t-shirt.
From Corvallis, Oregon, comes the story of Bozo Ross Martin who went to a party with his girlfriend and got upset when she told him he was too drunk to drive home and grabbed the keys. When they got home, the fight escalated as he slapped her and grabbed the keys before driving away. She called the cops after observing him drive on the sidewalk, hit a parked car, and proceed on in the wrong lane. It was after the cops caught up with him that they noticed his rather prophetic t-shirt, which read “Drunk as S**t”. He’s been charged with DUI, reckless endangerment, harassment and strangulation.

Next Time Hire a Teenager for a Buck an Hour

As this long, cold winter finally comes to an end, we thought we would treat you to one final wintry story, courtesy of Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney. From Fargo, North Dakota, comes the story of bozo Todd Raines who was fed up with clearing snow out of his front yard. It was his alternative method of snow blowing that got him in trouble. He obtained a flamethrower, referred to by the cops as a “high-powered fire-breathing weapon”, and went to work on the snow. Neighbors noticed a bright orange cloud and could hear what they termed “puff the magic dragon spewing mayhem all over hell” and called the cops. While the cops could understand our bozo’s frustration, his methods were illegal. He was arrested and charged with reckless endangerment.

Well, Maybe Monty Python Will Get Back Together and Use Him

Our bozo for today from the Feathered Division comes from in the International File in Manchester, England where the owners of a garden center thought it would be a nice touch to have a beautiful African Grey parrot on display among the lovely flowers and plants. Ruby was moved to a prominent position near the register where the kids could enjoy seeing her. A couple of problems…no one bothered to check Ruby’s vocabulary, which was pretty much non-stop swearing. And she also would take a bite out of anyone’s finger who happened to get to close to the cage. Ruby has been sent to parrot rehab with the hopes that her language and behavior can me improved and she can once again return. We’re not holding our breath.

Guess Those McDonalds Jobs Are Really Stressful

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hillsborough County, Florida, where police received a call from a homeowner who reported a burglary at his residence. He told the cops that several items were missing, and his TV was on the ground in the front yard. He even went so far as to describe a vehicle that he saw pulling away from the scene. The officers thought somethng didn’t ring true in his story and interviewed the neighbors who provided conflicting information to what he was claiming. It was after they confronted him again that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told them that his wife was insisting that he go to work, and he didn’t want to, so he made up the break-in so he could stay at home for the day. He got his wish, sort of. Instead of going to work, he got to spend the day in jail.

He Got It To Go, But Didn’t Go Far Enough

Bozo criminal for today, Daniel Herrera, had a few too many, and, like many folks in the same condition, decided to head to the nearest Taco Bell. He got himself a big beefy burrito and headed back out into the streets, where he was seen driving erratically. An eyewitness saw him weaving before coming to a stop at a traffic light. And it was a long stop, too, as he had been parked there for 15 minutes when the cops arrived. They found our bozo with the burrito in one hand and and his foot planted firmly on the brake, sound asleep. After banging on the car window for almost 10 minutes, deputies broke into the car, woke up our bozo and placed him under arrest for DUI.

Maybe He Thought It Was “Spring Back”

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Dublin, Ireland may have been foiled by that old nemesis, Daylight Saving Time. Police surveillance footage shows our mad bomber attempting to plant an explosive device in a Volvo SUV. Unfortunately the bomb literally blew up in the face of our bozo bomber who somehow was able to stagger away and flag down a taxi. Police note that clocks in Ireland were changed to Daylight Saving Time on Sunday and speculate that he may have failed to reset the clock on his explosive device. Oops.