December 31, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Paul Randall for sending this one along. It sounds like our bozo may have started his New Year’s Eve celebrations a little too early. From the International File in Pretoria, South Africa comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire and no spare. When he saw a police car pass by he did what any bozo would do to get the officer’s attention. He fired a gunshot in his direction. He got the officer’s attention, all right. He’s been arrested and charged with attempted murder.

December 21, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Columbus, Ohio comes the story of a bozo who learned the hard way that while a dog may be man’s best friend, it doesn’t apply to bozos. Police officers received a 911 call that sounded like a woman in trouble. Cops traced the call to the cell phone of one Nandor Santos and arrived at his home a few minutes later. Our bozo wasn’t at home but a man staying at the house was more than happy to let them in to take a look around. Inside the cops found no emergency but did find a basement greenhouse with over 150 marijuana plants. Our bozo arrived shortly thereafter, having been out hunting with his dog. Seeing the cops, he tried to escape but was quickly apprehended and charged with drug possession. And just what did the dog have to do with the bust? The found our bozo’s cell phone in the car’s front seat, underneath the dog. The pooch had stepped on the speed dial button for 911 and inadvertently turned his master in.

December 20, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Holiday file. From Columbia Heights, Mi-nnesota comes the story of a scrooge- like bozo who hatched a plan to steal some cash for Christmas. He set himself up as a Salvation Army representative in front of the local K-mart, complete with the familiar bell and collection kettle. But it didn’t take long for a real Salvation Army worker to notice the fraud and call the cops. And how did he know our bozo wasn’t the real deal? Because he set up in front of the K-mart on a Sunday and the Salvation Army doesn’t ring its bells on Sunday.

December 19, 2001

Bozo criminal for today perhaps needs to take a course in how to be more assertive. From Avon Lake, Ohio comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked up to a teller at the Lorain National Bank and handed her a note with the numbers “$1000” on it. The teller asked him if he wanted the money from his checking or his savings account. These questions confused our bozo and he walked out of the bank and into the First Merit Bank nearby. Same procedure here. He handed the teller a note with “$1000” on it. The teller again asked him if the money was to come from his checking our his savings account. Thinking maybe he needed to work on his plan a little bit, our bozo shrugged his shoulders and walked out. Cops are looking for him.

December 18, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from the great state of Vermont where bozo Mark Duncan was doing time in a prison work camp when he worked up a powerful thirst. Our bozo sneaked away from the guards, crawled under a fence and walked more than a mile to a convenience store. There he bought a case of beer, a carton of cigarettes and a 40 ounce beer. He drank the 40 ouncer on the way back to the prison facility but by the time he arrived, he’d already missed evening head count and the guards were on the lookout (like they wouldn’t notice an inmate coming back into the facility with a case of beer under his arm). He’s been moved to a more secure prison.

December 17, 2001

You have to give our bozo for today credit for making it easy on the cops. From Muncie, Indiana comes the story of bozo Christopher Nalls who broke into the Randloph County Courthouse and stole money from the receptionist’s desk. After being spotted he first took refuge in the janitor’s closet. When the janitor opened the door on him, he bolted across the street, running into the front door of the first building he came to. Unfortunately for him, that building was the county jail.He’s been arrested.

December 13, 2001

bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Richard Rodrigues held up a convenience store, getting away with a pack of cigarettes and about $60. You have to wonder why he didn’t steal some beef jerky and peanuts while he was at it because that’s exactly what he purchased when he returned to the store a couple of weeks later. And he bought the items from the same clerk he had robbed earlier. This time she took note of his license number, called the cops and our bozo was arrested.

December 12, 2001

bozo criminal for today violated bozo Rule Number 9998: Know when to quit. From Springfield, Ohio comes the story of bozo burglar Robert Martin who was having a good evening. He had hit a home that was full of highly collectable Hummel figurines and had packed his car with them, about $15,000 worth. And that’s when he should have quit. But instead he broke into another residence. And then our poor bozo’s heart gave out. The homeowner returned home to find our bozo thief dead on the living room floor, apparently of a heart attack.

December 11, 2001

Time to add another member to our bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Cedar Rapids, Iowa comes the story of 20 year old bozo Stephen Mitchell who broke into the apartment of a 21 year old woman. Our bozo was surprised to find anyone at home and was even more surprised at how lovely the woman was. So, instead of robbing the place, he did what any bozo would do. He asked her for a date. Just to get rid of him, she gave him her phone number and of course he called back later to set up the date. She arranged to meet him at a restaurant but the only person waiting there for our bozo was a police officer.

December 7, 2001

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Budapest, Hungary. bozo Gizella Kosztor had made a name for herself in the 50’s and 60’s when she flew from Budapest to rural towns on inexpensive flights, burglarized houses and caught evening flights back home. Our 75 year old bozo is out of jail now and, needing some money to write her memoirs, went back to her old tricks. She broke into several homes in a small town, but the high cost of airfares these days prevented her from making her traditional getaway. Police arrested her while she was waiting to catch a train at the local station.

December 6, 2001

bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio where bozo Kim Hanson managed a pizza restaurant. To boost sales and to get herself written up in the company newsletter our bozo cooked up a little scheme. She set up fake accounts for local schools and hospitals, called in orders for those businesses and then "delivered" the pizzas to them herself. Of course, since they never ordered the pizzas, she never delivered them. She even forged documents and fixed the company’s computers to cover her tracks. Things were going well for her until she asked the pizza shop’s owner to come over and help her move to her new home. And that’s when he discovered something suspicious. 400 boxes of moldy pizza in her garage. She’s under arrest.

December 5, 2001

bozo criminals for today come from Hot Springs, Arkansas where bozos John Hardy and Kevin Traylor tried to steal a boat. It was a nice one, too, 44 feet long and worth about $110,000. Unfortunately, it sounds like neither one of them qualified for a captain’s license. They managed to catch the engine on fire before getting the boat stuck in shallow water. Then, in their beer-induced frenzy, instead of trying to get away, they set off flares in hopes of being rescued, even though they were only 30 feet from shore. They were rescued, all right, by the cops.

December 4, 2001

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Brian Montgomery for sending in today’s report. From Portland, Oregon comes the story of bozo Mike Monroe who held up a local bank, getting away with $800. After observing our bozo make his getaway on a city bus, bank employees called the cops. Portland police stopped the bus and, working on the description from the bank teller, quickly grabbed our bozo. The cop found all the money and asked our bozo to explain why he is in possession of so much cash. The response from our bozo, "I’m a drug dealer. And a good one." The officer then replies, "Well, if it’s drug money, I’ll have to seize it." To which our bozo says, "Whoa, wait a minute. $200 of that is my money. It doesn’t all belong to the bank." Busted!

December 3, 2001

bozo criminal for today provides us with our bozo Excuse of the Month, and maybe for the whole year. Thanks to bozo News Hawk Paul Randall for sending this one in from Wellington, New Zealand. It seems bozo Peter Sanders was arrested for dangerous driving after he switched off his headlights and swerved to the wrong side of the road. When the officer asked him why he did that, he told him that he was an amateur astronomer, searching the sky for a black hole. And he could see better with his headlights off. His attorney said our bozo hadn’t been taking his medication. His license has been suspended.