It’s a Dirty Business

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Kuras for sending in today’s report from Jackson Michigan. Police were called to a report of a man carrying what appeared to be marijuana plants down the sidewalk near a busy street. When the police arrived, there was no man and no plants to be seen. But what was to be seen was a trail of dirt on the sidewalk. And of course it let straight to a home where the officers found the three marijuana plants. Busted!

If Only They’d Had a Van…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from St. Louis, Missouri. It seems our three bozos went over to a friend’s house to watch a football game and when they arrived, his 55-inch TV was just too much to resist. They pulled out handguns and announced a robbery. The victim gave up his credit cards and cash, but it was his TV that ultimately proved to be our bozo’s undoing. They loaded the big TV into their hatchback, but couldn’t close the rear door. Needless to say, three bozos driving down the Interstate with a 55-inch TV hanging out of the back of a hatchback attracted a little attention. The cops caught up with them when they were stuck in traffic at the entrance to a bridge. Busted!

Finally, Someone Who Does Windows

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where bozo Susan Martin was driving by a residence when she “wanted something to do.” So, she did what any bozo with a cleaning obsession would do. She stopped her car, broke into the house, washed some dishes, took out the trash, vacuumed and dusted the furniture. Perhaps things would have been OK except for one little thing. She left a bill for $75 for the cleanup with her home phone number on it. She explained to the cops that she owns a cleaning service and sometimes breaks into houses to tidy up. She’s been sentenced to probation and community service.

Oh, I Have To Leave, Too?

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Moscow, Russia, apparently took a different approach to taking advantage of Black Friday specials. He hid inside a false ceiling at an electronics store for a full day before slipping down during the night to steal $4200 worth of merchandise. Well, he almost stole it. Apparently, he planned the “stealing” part pretty well. It was the “getaway” that tripped him up. After grabbing his loot, he climbed back into his hiding place in the ceiling. And unfortunately he was still there the next day when the store re-opened and the employees noticed the items were missing. The cops were called and our bozo burglar was quickly found and placed under arrest.

Well, This Always Works For the Cat

Bozo criminal for today comes from Land O’ Lakes, Florida, where police officers questioned bozo Ray Clark about a alleged bike theft. During the interrogation, our bozo ran away as the officer was calling for backup and climbed up a nearby 30-foot tree. And there he stayed. For 11 hours. But unlike the neighborhood cat, he finally decided to come down on his own. And when he did he was promptly arrested and charged with robbery, resisting arrest and battery on a law enforcement officer.

Looks Like the Bozos Are Getting an Early Start on the Holiday Season

Bozo criminal for today comes from Crawford, Georgia, where a 17-year-old bozo entered the local Wal-Mart and filled his shopping cart up with toys. He then headed for the exits, and, waiting until the door greeters were occupied, attempted to wheel the loot outside. However, security personnel spotted him and alerted the cops. It was when the police were questioning him that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he wanted his girlfriends three kids to have a nice Christmas and was going to place the items on layaway and had just taken the items out side so that “no one would mess with them.” He also said he was going back inside to buy himself a drink. Unfortunately, according to the cops, he onlly had 18 cents on his person. He’s under arrest.

One More For Old Times Sake

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cincinnati, Ohio, where bozo Damaine Moore was in court on charges of selling marijuana. The judge, obviously in a generous mood, made a unique offer to our bozo. Stay out of prison if he’d only promise to give up smoking pot. Should have been an easy answer, right? Not for a bozo. After a good amount of hemming and hawing, our bozo finally admitted it would be a challenge, since he really liked smoking weed. And finally, he presented a counter offer. Could he just have one more joint? Bad idea! He’s busted!

If No One Saw It, Is It Still a Crime?

Bozo criminals for today come from the Hearts on Fire division of the International File in Southern Italy. A 60-year-old man and 40-year-old woman had been thinking for a long time how much fun it would be to have sex outdoors. Being mindful of their neighbors, and not wanting to offend, they decided to pick a time when they thought no one would be watching. No, they didn’t select the middle of the night. Instead they chose to make whoopee during the World Cup quarter finals soccer match between Italy and Germany, which was being broadcast on TV at the time. Guess everyone wasn’t inside watching the game as someone called the cops and they were arrested for obscene acts in public.

Leave the Car, Take the Pizza

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk “Sharkey” for sending in today’s report from Plains Township, Pennsylvania. Police were called to a report of a vehicle that struck a stop sign and several concrete barriers. They found an unoccupied Chevy and an eyewitness that said the driver fled the car after the crash and was carrying a box of pizza. And, sure enough, on the ground was the incriminating evidence…several pieces of pepperoni. The cops then spotted our bozo in a residential yard up the street, munching on a piece of pizza. Busted! He’s been charged with DUI.

Wow! A Car and I Get To Keep the Tips!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut, where bozo Keith Harvey saw a man get out of a car and leave the engine running. The temptation was too much to resist and he jumped in and sped away. Once inside, he discovered this was not just any vehicle he had stolen. It was a Chinese food delivery car. So, seeing the opportunity to make a little extra cash, he decided to drive to the next stop, where he gave the customer his food and collected the cash. Thinking this was working pretty well, he decided to deliver the other meal that was in the car. And that was his big mistake. The cops had been tipped off that our bozo was making deliveries and were waiting for him when he arrived. He’s under arrest.

Um….So His Girlfriend Is a Horse?

Our bozo for today from the International File in Tyumen, Russia is also a member in good standing of the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. It seems our unidentified bozo had gotten into a fight with his girlfriend and felt he needed to bring her a makeup gift. And of course, being a bozo, instead of purchasing a present for her, he stole one. It was his choice of gift that landed him in the Bozo Report. 1.5 tons of hay. Yep, he stole a ton and a half of hay from a neighbor’s field, loaded it into his truck and took it to her house to ask for forgiveness. We don’t know if the lovebirds made up, but we do know he’s under arrest for theft.

But I Thought Taking Off My Clothes Made Me Invisible

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lacey, Washington, where bozo Cheryl Cooper took off all her clothes and casually strolled into a Big Lots store. After taking a look around, she picked up a coat and headed for the exit. Guess she didn’t realize that a naked woman walking around in a store would attract just a bit of attention. Store employees gave chase and she was arrested by the cops in the parking lot. She’s been charged with attempted theft and indecent exposure.

He Probably Just Used It To Play Angry Birds

Our bozo for today comes from the Internal Affairs department in New Athens, Missouri. Officers seized an iPad as evidence after a burglary and the device was placed into the evidence room for safe keeping. Obviously the room wasn’t very “safe” as the iPad soon vanished, only to return after going missing for more than a month. Guess whoever “borrowed” the iPad didn’t realize its memory and tracking history would help to finger the suspect, who turned out to be none other than the police chief himself. Busted! He’s been charged with theft.

No, I Don’t Want One From Column A

We all know that sometimes the language barrier at a Chinese restaurant can pose problems, but this is the first time we’ve known it to trip up a bozo. From Orlando, Florida comes the story of three masked bozos who entered a Chinese restaurant and demanded that employees turn over the money from the cash register. Unfortunately, there seemed to be no one in the restaurant who could speak English and, even after one of the bozos pounded on the cash register, the employees still apparently didn’t understand there was a robbery in progress. Our bozos finally gave up in frustration and left empty handed, only to be tracked down by the cops a short time later.

Uh…I Believe That Belongs To Me

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from St. Louis, Missouri, where bozo Lester Wilson attempted to rob a man waiting at a bus stop. However, his intended victim put up a fight and in the ensuing melee our bozo dropped his gun before fleeing. Police were called to the scene and the gun was recovered. And while the victim was talking to the police, who should return to the scene of the crime but our bozo. His reason for returning? To ask the victim for his gun back, of course. He’s under arrest.

I Deny the Existence of That Part of My Anatomy, Officer

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from Spokane, Washington. Police officers caught bozo Kenneth Haynes in the process of burglarizing a tire store. But it was when the officers found him to be in possession of methamphetamine that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. Officers searching our bozo found two golf-ball size bags of what appeared to be meth stashed in our bozo’s groin area. When questioned about the drug, our bozo told the deputy it was not his groin and he had no idea where the drugs came from. Yep, he refused to take ownership of his own groin. Not surprisingly, police did not accept this excuse. He’s busted!

No Treat For Her

Bozo criminal for today comes from Birmingham, Alabama, where police were called to a report of an apparent shooting victim slumped over the wheel of an SUV at an intersection. Police discovered a grisly scene, with an apparently pregnant woman covered in blood behind the wheel. However, once they opened the door, they discovered something unexpected. The “victim” was a Halloween celebrant who had been dressed up as a pregnant zombie before having too much to drink and passing out behind the wheel. She’s been charged with DUI.

But It’s a Jeep…

Bozo criminals for today come from just across the border in Yuma, Arizona, where a couple of bozo smugglers thought they had come up with the perfect way to get their contraband across the border. They built a ramp on each side of the 14-foot tall border fence and then attempted to drive their Jeep Cherokee over it. Guess they didn’t test this idea before putting it into action. Border patrol agents found the SUV teetering on high center atop the fence and our bozos frantically trying to free it when they arrived. Oops.