Bozo criminals for today come from Wildwood, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a domestic disturbance. When the cops arrived they found a young man with “visible red marks on the front side of his neck” and “fresh bruising/redness on his left eye.” Further investigation turned up several containers of Chinese take-out, one of which appeared to be completely empty. It seems the young man, who was the son one of one of the alleged perps, ate the container of Chinese food that belonged to the father. Must have been some good eats, too, as his sister, 25, joined in the beat down. For himself, the son offered the excuse that the containers weren’t labeled and he didn’t know which was his. Makes sense. Dad and daughter will have to go to jail hungry, as they were arrested for misdemeanor battery. And you can add domestic battery by strangulation, a felony, to pop’s charges.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Wexford County, Michigan, where officers were called to a report of a motorist attempting to flag down passersby for help. When they arrived, they found our stranded bozo, along with two civilians who were helping pour gas into his fuel tank. The cops routinely asked our bozo for his ID and he went to car to retrieve it. When he returned, instead of handing the officer his drivers license he instead gave him…wait for it…a half empty bottle of vodka. Oops. His problems were compounded when a .22 caliber handgun was found in the back seat. Busted! Charged with Operating While Intoxicated, Operating While Intoxicated with a High BAC, Possession of Firearm While Under the Influence, Carrying a Concealed Weapon, and Open Alcohol in Vehicle.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida, where an officer observed our bozo blow through a red light right in front of his squad car. He immediately gave chase but things quickly got out of hand as the cyclist, who had a passenger riding behind him, simply sped up, weaving in and out of traffic. He ran several lights and led the cop on a chase at speeds exceeding 100 mph. Other units were alerted and our bozo was finally apprehended at an intersection. And what exactly was the reason he gave for fleeing the cops? He said it was a “first date” and he was trying to impress the girl that was riding with him. Didn’t work. She told the cops she was screaming for him to stop the whole time. There won’t be a second date for a while, either. He’s charged with a felony for fleeing cops at high speed with wanton disregard for the safety of others. And his past won’t help him. He previously has convictions for cocaine possession, probation violation, grand theft, and passing a counterfeit check. And additionally, he was cited for reckless driving and driving an unregistered vehicle following a 2019 motorcycle crash. No word if there was a girl he was trying to impress that time also.
We present for you this morning a handy step by step guide for how to get yourself arrested. Today’s bozo in Acton, Maine took the first step by getting drunk and stripping down to his underwear. Step two, head over to a nearby house at 4:45 in the afternoon and, still clad only in your underwear, attempt to break-in. Step three, make enough noise to alert the homeowner who, after getting a good look at you on his Ring doorbell, calls the cops. Step four, flee in your vehicle, which was parked in plain sight, which allowed the homeowner to give the cops a good description. Step five, crash said vehicle into a nearby lake. And, finally, step six, swim to shore where the police are waiting to place you under arrest. Congratulations! You have completed our step by step guide to going to jail!
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the police were called to a report of a suspicious person. Upon arrival, they found bozo Enzo Carrera in an alley, glass pipe to his lips, attempting to light up. He was quickly taken into custody, but not before he offered up the Bozo Defense of the Week. He said to the cops, “Meth is legal now.” Um. No, it isn’t. Busted! On a felony drug possession charge and a misdemeanor count of resisting police. He probably has more problems since his rap sheet includes multiple convictions for narcotics possession, as well as convictions for trespass, disorderly conduct, obstruction, and assault.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Wyandotte, Michigan, where our unidentified bozo decided to take a nice relaxing drive along the riverfront. And what’s a relaxing drive without a drink or two, right? Well, maybe not. It seems he lost his way and made a wrong turn…right into the Wyandotte Police Department parking lot. Oops. When the cops confronted him and asked how much he had to drink, he replied, “Enough but not enough.” That’s where you’re wrong. Busted after blowing a .21. Charged with DUI.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada, where security at Harry Reid International Airport were alerted to a report of a woman who had walked out of the Chili’s there without paying her bill. They soon found a woman matching the description sleeping in the baggage claim area. And that’s when the trouble started. She immediately became belligerent, threatening to spit on the officers and claiming the “officers were perverts.” And then she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week for her arrest. She said they only arrested her because they “had never seen anyone as pretty as her.” Come on, gorgeous, you’re headed to jail, charged with violating airport conduct.
Our bozos for today come from the International Military File. Undermanned Ukrainian troops have been holding their own against supposedly superior Russian troops and now we have discovered that at least one of the reasons for their success is their ability to exploit the bozo tendencies of the Russian soldiers. It seems that Ukrainian hackers have set up fake social media accounts, posing as attractive women who are interested in the horny Russian troops. During lulls in the fighting, the Russians correspond with with women and occasionally give out sensitive information, such as their location. Last month, the hackers learned that the Russians had occupied a remote base in Melitopol, which led to a successful Ukrainian attack on the base. Keep up the good work, guys, er girls!