Game Over

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Staten Island, New York, where the midnight release of the video game Grand Theft Auto V was a big deal. And getting a copy before it sold out was priority one for our three bozos, who posed as police officers to cut into the front of the line of gamers waiting to purchase a copy. They had fake police badges and even drove up to the front of the mall in a fake police car with lights and sirens operating. Things went well at first…and then they left the mall, speeding away and making an illegal U-Turn. Unfortunately, they made that illegal turn right in front of an actual officer in an unmarked car. Oops. They’ve been charged with second-degree criminal impersonation, punishable by up to a year in jail.

Number One, You Can’t Do That

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sacramento, California, where the police received a call of a man loitering in the Miners Reserve Nature Preserve. Upon arrival, the cops found the man to be hostile and attempted to place him under arrest. And that’s when he tried a bozo method to protect himself. After putting up a struggle, the man peed on one of the officers. Yikes! Not a good idea. He was cuffed and charged with possession of methamphetamine and drug paraphernalia.

Looks Like He Laid an Egg, Chief

The Bozo Criminal Report returns from a brief vacation with this story from the International File in Ottawa, Canada, where bozo Damien Richardson seemed to have a good plan. Knowing that marijuana can be sold in prison for up to 10 times its street value, our bozo acquired a good amount of pot and eight Kinder Surprise eggs. If you’re not familiar with these eggs, they are a chocolate treat that comes with a toy tucked inside, in a small, flexible yolk colored capsule. And due to their size and flexibility, they are one of the most popular ways to sneak contraband into jails by stuffing it up the old behind. Fully loaded with eggs, our bozo now had to find a quick way to get arrested, so he picked up a rock and threw it at a police cruiser. That did the trick and he was hauled off to jail. But there was one small detail he didn’t know about. Jail policy was to hold suspicious inmates in a “dry” cell, one without running water or plumbing, to see what might pass. And nature did indeed take its course as our bozo passed the eggs and one unfortunate guard had to collect them. He’s busted!

He Just Really, Really Needed a Job

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts, where Juan Lopez was on the run from the cops who had tried to question him on an assault and battery charge. He led them on a chase in his Toyota Camry, eventually losing them and ditching the Camry in a shopping center parking lot. It was at that point, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, that he walked into an Osprey Wireless store and asked if they were hiring. They were, and the manager took him into his office for an interview. It went well enough that the manager asked our bozo to fill out an application, which he was working on when the cops spotted the Camry in the parking lot. Next thing you know, there are cops and a K-9 officer checking out the area. The manager steps outside to see what is going on and when the cops explain what is going on, he tells them he has the guy they’re looking for inside. And there he was, still working on the application. Busted!

Must Have Been One Strong Roof!

Bozo criminals for today come from Jacksonville, Florida, where authorities are dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Irma. And one of the obvious problems is with looting, but this sets a new standard of bozo-ness. The cops were called by a concerned citizen who spotted our bozos driving down a city street with a metal utility pole precariously balanced on the roof of their SUV. Police speculate the pole was felled by Irma and our bozos were hoping to abscond with it to sell the metal for scrap. When questioned, our bozos said they were simply moving the pole to a safer location since they found it near the road. That didn’t fly. They’re under arrest.

No, You Don’t Get Time Off For Honesty

Our story for today, contributed by Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney, proves once again that honesty is not the best policy, especially if you’re a bozo. Cops in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, spotted bozo Rachel Tucker driving at a high rate of speed on a city street. When they pulled her over, she made it simple for them. When they asked her to take a field sobriety test, she replied, “I’m drunk.” And you’re busted!

Sure Hope the Safety Was On

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bloomington, Illinois, where bozo Anita Harris and a male companion were pulled over by the cops for speeding on I-55. A search of the car turned up heroin and Ecstasy. There was another bit of contraband that our bozo was able to conceal before the cops began her search, a .380 caliber handgun, weighing 13.4 ounces and with a barrel 5.6 inches long. Now, where would you hide such a weapon? In the glovebox? Nope. In your purse? Nah. Inside your, um, lady parts? Yep. A strip search at the jail turned up the weapon, which was very carefully removed. She’s under arrest, charged with narcotics possession and felony weapons possession.

A Hot Time In the Hot Tub

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mission Valley, California, where a bunch of cops were in town for a two-week specialized narcotics training course. After a busy day of training, three of the cops were relaxing in the hot tub at the Courtyard by Marriott where they were staying. That’s when bozo Andrew Harper walked up and struck up a conversation. He asked them the reason for their stay and one of the cops jokingly said that their crack lab had blown up. Our bozo then excitedly replied that he was in the drug business, too. One thing led to another and a sting was set up to purchase some cocaine and LSD from our bozo. He delivered. He’s busted!

Next Time Stick With the White Keds

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dallas, Texas where our bozo seemed to have a good thing going, but she messed up and violated Bozo Rule Number 00464623: It’s usually a good idea to wear clothing that doesn’t call attention to yourself. Bozo Sheotia Lane covered her face with a burka style towel and walked into a bank and demanded cash. She got her money and exited. Employees told the cops about the towel and also that she was wearing a very bright pair of red and purple “retro style” Air Jordan shoes. Five days later, same outfit, different bank, again a successful robbery. Four days later, same outfit, different bank, again success. She should have quit while she was ahead as banks were now alerted to be on the lookout for those shoes. When she entered another bank four days later and asked the teller for a deposit slip, the teller was suspicious. She escorted her toward the entrance and then locked her out of the bank. And of course, since she was truly a bozo, she was still hanging around outside the bank when the cops arrived and immediately noticed a woman wearing “bright colored shoes.” They found a robbery note inside the bag and the burka style towels she had used in previous robberies. She’s busted!

I Forgot About Marmaduke…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Sonoma County, California, where the cops received a call from concerned citizen who reported an intruder inside his house. When they arrived they found a very upset 18-year old who said his dogs had started barking loudly and, fearing someone was inside, he gathered them up and took refuge downstairs. Guns drawn, the officers began to search the house, while a couple of other cops searched outside. Suddenly, one of the outside officers heard a sound…kind of a scratching noise. He shined his flashlight in the direction of the sound, expecting to find a burglar. Instead, he saw two ears sticking out of an upstairs skylight. Then a snout appeared and finally the head of a large dog. One of the owner’s dogs who had climbed up to an upstairs bedroom and was enjoying the view from the open skylight. Guess the owner didn’t take a full inventory of all his dogs before he called the cops. No charges were filed.

Definitely Nothing to Poo-Poo About

Our bozo for today from the International File in Cabot Ward, Bristol, England did nothing illegal but was criminally stupid. To set the scene, Liam Harris had a date set up through his Tinder account with a lovely young girl who claimed to be an “amateur gymnast.” The date went well and our young couple ended up back at his apartment. Things went downhill quickly when the lovely young lady excused herself to use the bathroom. By her own admission she “went for a poo” in the toilet and when it wouldn’t flush, she panicked. That was when she came up with the ultimate bozo solution to the problem. She reached into the toilet, removed the offending turd, wrapped it in toilet paper and threw it out the window. Problem solved, right? Wrong. Due to a “design quirk” in the apartment building, the poo didn’t make it to the ground, instead it was lodged in a narrow gap between his home and a non-opening double glazed window. At this point our damsel in distress revealed her problem to her date. Prince Charming was going to smash the window with a chisel, but his date, being an “amateur gymnast” after all, convinced him to let her try to squeeze into the tight space and retrieve the package. After several attempts and a lot of squirming she worked her way far enough in that she was able to grab it and pass it to him. Now all she had to do was wiggle back out. But, unfortunately, this wasn’t as easy as it sounded. The more she wiggled, the more tightly stuck she became, finally ending up lodged, upside down in the gap. Nothing left to do now but call the fire department. Bristol’s finest arrived and removed her unharmed, breaking the window in the process. No word on whether the date continued or if our young lovers decided to call it a night.

Guess There Weren’t Any Post-It Notes Handy

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Seymour, Connecticut. Things seemed to be going well for our bozo bank robber. He walked into the local bank, handed the teller a note, and walked out with an undisclosed amount of cash. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to try to re-enter the bank, but found the teller had locked the doors. But his return trip did yield a nice picture of him on the security cameras. When the cops arrived, they took a close look at that hold-up note and discovered it was written on the back of a pay stub for an employee of the local McDonalds. Some quick investigation work determined that the stub belonged not to our bozo, but to his girlfriend. When they arrived at her residence, who should they see driving away but our bozo. Oops. He’s busted!

Another Arrest Thanks to Officer Jaws

Bozo criminal for today comes from Surf City, North Carolina, where the cops pulled over bozo Zach Carter for a traffic violation. When the cop asked him about contraband he spotted in the car, our bozo jumped out and ran toward the nearby beach. Much to their surprise, he just kept running and then began to swim out to sea. A police drone was dispatched and our bozo turned out to be quite a good swimmer, after an hour he was almost 4000 feet offshore. And that’s when the cops spotted the shark. The drone footage clearly showed a large shark following our bozo. Ruh-Ro. Emergency crews were dispatched, including a Fire Marine unit. Our bozo was rescued and charged. The shark went away hungry.