A special Halloween Bozo for you today. From Billings, Montana comes the story of bozo Ron Harper who tried to snatch the witch’s hat from a home’s Halloween display. The homeowner noticed what was going on and shouted at the thief, frightening him into dropping the hat as he jumped back into his car. As our bozo pulled away, the homeowner took note of the license plate number and called the cops. Knowing that he was in big trouble, our bozo showed back up at the house a few minutes later with a piece offering. Saying it was all a college prank, he presented the homeowner with a pumpkin he had purchased at an all night supermarket, complete with receipt to prove it wasn’t stolen. It must’ve worked, the homeowner isn’t going to press charges.
Month: October 2000
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out today’s story in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Connecticut comes the story of a bozo hit and run driver. Our bozo smashed into the back of a car and then fled the scene. Police were quickly able to track him down because his license plate left an indentation in the bumper of the other car. A clear enough indentation that officers were able to make out our bozo’s license plate number.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ben Rawson for sending in today’s report. From Las Cruces, New Mexico comes the story of Bozo Gregory Randall who broke into the local library through a window. For unknown reasons, our bozo was not able to get out of the library the same way he came in, so he instead tried the front door. Unfortunately for Mr. Randall it was only after he had walked through the front set of doors and they had locked behind him that he noticed that the front door was locked tight. Now, we have a trapped bozo in the entryway of the library. Faced with a hopeless situation, he called 911 on a public phone in the entryway and the police were nice enough to come by and free him before locking him up.
With the elections drawing ever nearer, we once again go back to the Bozo Politicians file. This story proves that while many criminals are stupid, so are many voters. From Sarasota, Florida comes the story of bozo politician Robert Stein who was running for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives from Florida. He placed a strong second in the Democratic primary with 26 percent of the vote. This coming even after he revealed that he would soon be pleading insanity to a charge that he beat up a police officer in a station house brawl. He also offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said a robot was attacking him when he assaulted the cop.
Bozo criminal for today wasn’t aware of Bozo Rule #3254 which clearly states that, while versatile, duct tape isn’t appropriate for every job. From Albuquerque, New Mexico comes the story of bozo Larry Hamilton who held up a dry cleaning establishment and then made what he thought was a clean getaway. Except for one thing, and that’s where the duct tape comes in. Our bozo had used one strip of tape to cover up the license plate. He probably should have used two or maybe three pieces, as the tops and bottoms of the numbers were still visible. The clerk was able to decipher the plate and the cops tracked our bozo down less than two hours later.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sharon Hyden for sending in today’s report. From Seymour, Indiana comes the story of bozo Casey Carpenter who stopped into a local florist, placed an order for his girlfriend, filled out a card and gave the clerk his girlfriend’s address for delivery. As the clerk went to the register, our bozo told her, "While you’re at it, give me the rest of your money." He got about $150 and fled. Investigating officers stopped by the girlfriend’s house to question her and, who should show up but our bozo. He quickly confessed and was arrested.
Bozo criminal for today also is the winner of our Bozo Excuse of the Month. From Toronto, Canada comes the story of bozo Jason Davidson who was on leave from the army and decided to visit Toronto. He was arrested and charged with public intoxication, resisting arrest and insulting the police. Our bozo pleaded guilty to the charges but claimed it wasn’t his fault. He says it’s all because of the Canadian beer, which is stonger than the Amercian stuff, and therefore made him drunker than usual. Maybe it made him stupider, too.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0008: In the Bozo World, if at first you don’t succeed, it’s usually a good idea to give up. From Joplin, Missouri comes the story of bozo Brian Calder who first tried to rob a Long John Silver’s Restaurant, but stopped by a little too late. Employees inside watched as our bozo, wearing his ski mask, tried to enter but was frustrated by a locked door and left empty handed. He then headed to the Northstar 14 cinemas and tried to hold up the ticket seller. As he was pointing his gun at the window, the clip fell out. Again, our bozo became frustrated and fled. He next headed to the neighborhood Albertson’s supermarket where he got about $325 from the store’s safe. He sprinted to a nearby wooded area to count his loot. Store employees watched where he went and pointed him out to the cops.
With the elections looming ever nearer, we go to the Bozo Politicians file for today’s report. And in case you’re wondering, yes, it is a rather thick file. From Oshkosh, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo student activist Gregory Burns who was running for the state legislature on a "privacy" platform, demanding stronger laws to protect privacy on the internet. Sounds like our bozo didn’t practice what he preached, however. He was arrested for stealing another man’s identity and taking more than $2000 from his bank account. He was caught after a teller at the bank where the thefts took place saw him campaigning on a local public affairs television program.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Carrollton, Texas where bozo David Hastings’ mouth got him into trouble. Our bozo was a waiter at an IHOP Restaurant that was frequented by several police officers who worked the late shift. Every evening when the cops would come in our bozo would strike up a conversation with them, sometimes talking so much that it interfered with the officers’ meal. Sounds like the tips weren’t too good, as our bozo turned to crime and held up a nearby bank. One of the officers immediately recognized him from a surveillance camera photo-"Hey, that’s the waiter who just won’t shut up!" The cops took the picture by the restaurant, got the bozo’s name and address and quickly arrested him.
Bozo criminal for today may have had one of his wishes come true, but he got arrested, anyway. From Dayton, Ohio comes the story of bozo Hank Adams who walked into a liquor store armed with a BB gun and demanded money from the cashier. About this same time a beer salesman and another customer walked in, but immediately left when they saw what was going on. But they did distract our bozo long enough for the cashier to slip out of the store and quickly lock the door. Our bozo was briefly delighted to be locked inside a liquor store. But before he could even grab himself a beer, the cops arrived and arrested him.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania where bozo Edney Rivera fled the scene of an assault on foot with the cops in hot pursuit. Sprinting down the sidewalk and fearing that they were gaining on him, our bozo turned his head around to take a look and ran smack into a parking meter. Knocked himself out. The officers helped him up and hauled him in.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Provo, Utah where bozo Ron Shelton stole a bicycle. Bozo Ron then decided that it might be a good idea to get the bicycle painted so that it wouldn’t be so easy to identify. Bad idea. He took it into a bike shop to get an estimate and the guy behind the counter thought it looked very familiar. It was his own bike. Our bozo had picked the bike shop that happened to be owned by the man he had stolen the bike from in the first place. The owner excused himself, went into the back and called the cops.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brad Novak who sent in today’s report. From Cedar Rapids, Iowa comes the story of bozo Andrew Burhop who held up a local bank. Bank employees watched in amazment as our bozo got his cash, fled the bank and hopped into his getaway car which had personalized license plates. Right there on the license plate was "BURHOP", our bozo’s last name. It didn’t take the cops long to find him and it didn’t take him long to plead guilty.
Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this story. From Pawtucket, Rhode Island comes the story of bozo Kenneth Barnhart who planned on robbing an apartment. He needed a lookout to stand guard so he took his brother along and positioned him outside. A neighbor noticed the suspicious activity and called the cops, then went outside to wait for the police to arrive. When they got there our bozo lookout was standing next to the neighbor, mistaking him for his brother who was still ransacking the apartment. And one thing we forgot to tell you…the man our bozo crook had asked to be his lookout, his brother, is legally blind.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 8787 which clearly states that, whenever possible, you should try to obtain a getaway vehicle that will go faster than five miles per hour. From Gastonia, North Carolina comes the story of bozo John Wilbanks who drove up to a gas station, filled up and left without paying. The attendant noticed the theft and called the cops who arrived and busted our bozo before he got more than 100 yards down the road. Did we mention that our bozo was driving a stolen vehicle? Did we also mention it was a riding lawn mower? He’s been charged with theft.
Bozo criminal for today just didn’t know when to keep his mouth shut. From New York City comes the story of bozo Gary Alexander who was convicted of bribery of a public official. Thinking that such a white collar crime would send him to a "country club" type prison our bozo boasted that he would probably have a lot of time to work on his golf game while locked up. Federal prison officials were not amused and instead shipped our bozo to the same 23 hour lockdown prison that houses John Gotti.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Seville, Spain comes the story of an unidentified bozo who thought he had the perfect alibi. Our bozo was being questioned by the police about the robbery of a taxi driver. Our bozo responded that there was no way he could have been involved in that crime, since he was "out picking pockets" that night. He’s looking at ten years in jail.
Bozo criminals for today come from North Adams, Massachusetts where bozos Terrance Brown and Shaun Carroll had just left a court appearance and needed to find a place to unwind. They had a little bit of marijuana but no place to smoke it. Then our bozos spotted a vacant car parked beneath a bridge. Perfect. And it was unlocked! So our bozos hopped in and fired up. And that’s when they were busted. The car they got into turned out to be one of the Berkshire County Drug Task Force’s unmarked vehicles.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brian Wiedor of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for sending in today’s report. From Oakland, California comes the story of bozo Barry James who liked to pretend he was a highway patrolman. He would follow a car, shine a bright spotlight in the rearview mirror and when the car pulled over would flash a fake badge and ask the driver to get out of the car. He would them climb in and steal the vehicle while his accomplice followed in the other car. He was caught in his little game when he pulled over the unmarked car of an undercover California highway patrolman.