Some People Can’t Take No For An Answer

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fellsmere, Florida, where cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, they found a 44 year-old female covered in blood, with abrasions on her forehead, neck and arm. She was transported to a hospital for treatment while the cops sussed out what happened. Apparently our bozo, 27 year-old Amber Baxter, had propositioned the victim’s 59 year-old boyfriend for sex. When he declined, our bozo hurled a large glass ashtray at him. He ducked and, you guessed it, his girlfriend was collateral damage. Our lovesick bozo was arrested and charged with battery. Turns out she’s been a busy girl. She’s been arrested five times this year, on charges including theft, battery, trespass, aggravated assault, disorderly intoxication, burglary, criminal mischief, and drinking in public.

And No Jokes About Taco Bell, Please

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Corsham, England. A little background information, Corsham is an idyllic market town of only about 13,000 people. It’s a safe little place. At least it has been until lately when the town has been terrorized by a couple of bozos acting in tandem. One of the residents even went so far to describe our bozos as “bloody Mexican hooligans.” These two apparently roam the town at will, wreaking havoc wherever they go. After a German Shepherd K-9 officer was terrorized by these rampaging bozos the whole town basically went into lockdown. And as of this date, no progress has been made in making an arrest. Oh, did we forget to mention the “hooligans” that are causing so much trouble… are a couple of chihuahuas. Yep, the little guys are in control. The police chief says he hopes they can be captured soon and life can get back to normal.

And They Lived Happily Ever…Well For At Least 30 Minutes

Bozo criminals for today come from Naples, Florida, where the cops were called to a hotel where a wedding reception had taken place a short time earlier. They found our our groom with a bloody nose, busted lip and a swollen eye. His bride was found in the hotel’s Salon room, still in her bloody wedding dress, with blood on her face and chest. So what the heck happened? It appears shortly after exchanging vows, the loving couple got into an argument about her brother. The disagreement got heated quickly with the bride head-butting the groom, resulting in his busted nose and lip. Both were arrested and charged with domestic battery. The honeymoon will have to wait.

Probably a Better Idea To Use a Hold Up Note

There are numerous things that having a pleasant, distinctive voice is good for…being on the radio, perhaps being a minister or even a doctor. Being a bozo criminal, not so much. Our story for today comes from Mount Pleasant, Michigan, where police were called to a report of a convenience store robbery. The clerk said she couldn’t see the man’s face but recognized his voice as a regular customer. She was even able to provide his name. K-9 officers were called in and were able to track the suspect to a nearby apartment…rented to…the same man the clerk had identified. Oops. He’s busted!

A Horse of a Different Color

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Aztek, New Mexico, where livestock inspectors (yes, they have livestock inspectors)were called to a report of a stolen horse. They noticed that the horse in question did not match the physical description of the allegedly stolen horse, pointing out that there was no distinctive white “sock” on his left rear leg. The owners accused the alleged thief of dying the horse to cover up the markings. At this point, the woman accused of stealing the horse became agitated, saying that the horse was afraid of water and would freak out if the inspectors tried to wash the dye job off. That ploy didn’t work. Inspectors scrubbed the back leg to reveal the missing sock. Busted! Charged with theft and forgery for putting together a fake bill of sale for the horse

It Was That Taco Bell He Had For Lunch

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a rogue pooper. Our bozo, 64 year-old Kenneth Carson, was caught on security cameras strolling up to his neighbor’s porch totally naked. He then proceeded to climb up onto a glass-topped table and do a big number two before returning to his nearby RV. Investigating officers found him inside the vehicle, still naked and “uncooperative.” He was booked on criminal mischief charges but remains jailed since he was facing other charges from a December arrest including drunk driving and illegal discharge of a firearm.

He Did Say the Lottery Win Would Be “Life Changing”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elsmere, Kentucky, where a week ago bozo Joseph Harris was a $250,000 winner on a Kentucky Lottery scratch off ticket. He said he was going to buy a new home and car with his winnings. But first…there was some celebrating to be done. Two days after claiming his prize, he was pulled over when a cop noticed his vehicle registration had expired. Inside the car the cops found methamphetamine and a pipe with drug residue on it. Busted! Guess that new house and car purchase may have to wait for a while.

Honestly, I’ve Been Home Watching Netflix

Bozo criminal for today comes from Troy, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a vehicle that had hit a telephone pole. When the police arrived, they found blue car parts scattered around but no sign of the vehicle. Continuing their search, they found a car with extensive front end damage parked in a ditch with an empty beer can in the console and footprints leading to a nearby house. The plot thickens…After discovering the wrecked car was registered to the address of the residence, the cops decided to knock on the door. Our bozo answered, with bloodshot eyes and smelling of alcohol. Nope, he said, haven’t been out, been home all night. And is there anyone else at home? Nope. Can you explain the footprints leading from the car to your house? Well, let me get back to you on that. Busted! Charged with Operating While Intoxicated 3rd Offense, Driving While License Suspended, Leaving the Scene of an Accident and Failure to Report an Accident.

Billy Goat 1, Bozo 0

Bozo criminal for today comes from Henry County, Virginia, where officers were investigating a domestic assault case. Our bozo was placed under arrest and as he was being read his rights, he made a run for it, jumping a fence and running into a nearby field. And that’s when our animal helper sprang into action. A billy goat gave chase and followed the man into a nearby wooded area. Perhaps deciding he’d rather face the cops than the goat, our bozo reappeared and surrendered to the cops. He’s in custody and the goat has returned to doing what goats do.