Rule Number One: Drink After the Heist, Not Before

Bozo criminal for today from Tallahassee, Florida made a couple of major mistakes in his attempt to rob a bank. First he drank too many “cups of courage” before heading to the bank. And second, he called a cab to take him to the heist and then told him to wait while he went inside. After telling employees that he had a gun and C4 explosives and would “blow the place up”, a bank manager took our obviously intoxicated bozo behind closed doors in his office to discuss things. While he was inside, tellers called the cops. The police quickly arrived and our bozo was taken under arrest without further incident. But his problems don’t end with the bank robbery charges. The cabbie plans to press charges for the unpaid fare.

First, It Would Be a Good Idea If You Knew How To Swim

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Pierce for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon where officers responded to a report of a man stealing wire from an electrical box. Upon questioning, our bozo gave the cops a fake name that came back with an arrest warrant. Seeing things weren’t going well he tried to escape by jumping into a nearby river. Unfortunately, his swimming skills were lacking and, after a few moments of floundering around, he headed back to the safety of the bank, where he was quickly taken into custody.

McGruff Would Be Proud

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Ottawa, Canada. Employees of the Talbot denture clinic returned from lunch to the sound of a dog barking inside and holes in the wall leading to the clinic. The cops were called and, upon investigation, found our bozo had broken into the facility, stolen a laptop and a $5 bill which was left in the donation box on the counter. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he had brought his pet Daschund along on the heist and then had fled without him. In spite of being a bozo, he was a responsible pet owner, as the dog was wearing a collar with an identification tag on it. The cops went to the place on the tag and recovered the laptop and the $5. Bozo is under arrest. Dog is looking for a new home.

If Only He’d Used a Crowbar

Our bozo for today learned there’s a difference between leaving evidence behind and leaving EVIDENCE behind. From West Sunbury, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Brent Harrison who planned to break into the garage of a neighbor and steal some gasoline. The first step is to jimmy open the garage door, which he was in the process of doing when the neighbor heard a noise and caught him. Our bozo was able to flee but, unfortunately for him, he left his jimmy tool behind. And even more unfortunately, the jimmy tool happened to be one of his own credit cards Oops. He’s busted!

But, Aren’t Snapchat Postings Supposed to Disappear!!??

We have had numerous cases of Bozos Foiled by Modern Technology by using social media, but today’s case brings it to a whole new level. From Fairfield, Maine, comes the story of bozo Christopher Warner who was wanted by the cops on an outstanding burglary warrant. The cops had been looking for him for a couple of weeks with no luck when our bozo made the first of a couple of fatal errors. They received a tip that he had posted on Snapchat that he had returned to Fairfield. So, the cops headed to his house. While they were searching the place with the permission of the resident, they received another tip. A new Snapchat message had been posted saying that the cops were searching the house he was hiding in and that he was hiding in a cabinet. Bad, bad idea. The cops opened the cabinet and our bozo was taken into custody.

And Why Were They Pulling Into the Convenience Store? To Grab a Slice of Pizza

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Portland, Maine, where a man delivering Domino’s Pizza returned to find his car had been stolen. The cops were notified to be on the lookout for the vehicle. And they didn’t have to look very long, either, as the car was spotted a short time later pulling into a convenience store. It was easy to identify because our bozos didn’t even bother to remove the distinctive red, white and blue Domino’s sign on the roof. Oops. They’re busted!

Her Answer Was “Butt Out”

Bozo criminals for today come from Milton Georgia, where it’s prom season. And what does that have with our bozos? Read on, you’re going to find out. The cops were called to the Bethany Church Road on Saturday night after a report of suspicious activity. A man told the police his dog had been barking at four teenagers in a truck outside his residence. He grabbed his shogun and they jumped into their truck and fled. However, he noticed one of them loaded something large into the truck before fleeing. Upon further investigation, it was found that one of the man’s neighbor’s goats was missing. The cops pulled over a truck matching the description a short distance away and found the teenagers, along with a goat, inside the vehicle. And now, the Bozo Excuse of the Week. One of the teenagers said he thought it would be clever to present the goat to a girl and ask her, “Will you goat with me to the prom?” Only in the mind of a teenage bozo. The goat was returned safely to its owner. The boys have been charged with theft of livestock.

Here’s a Tip: Don’t Steal the Tips

Bozo criminals for today come from our No Good Deed Goes Unpunished Department. As you may be aware, Dairy Queen stores across the country celebrated the chain’s 75th anniversary this week by giving away free ice cream cones. One of the stores in St Clair Shores, Michigan has a tip jar on the counter for employees and during the free giveaway a group of teenage girls grabbed the jar along with their free cones. And of course, being teenage girls, they couldn’t keep the theft to themselves. They posted a selfie on Snapchat with the words “Robbed Dairy Queen tip jar”. They then sent the picture to all of their friends and, unfortunately, also to the local Fox TV outlet. That, coupled with the fact that someone also got the license plate of their getaway car led to the case quickly being resolved. And by the way, the local fire department is only a couple of blocks away and firefighters took up a collection to give the Dairy Queen all their money back and then some.

He Just Really, Really Likes Maple Bars

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where bozo Richard Pierce walked into a donut shop and announced he was robbing the place, making a gesture toward his waistband to indicate he had a gun. He then ordered the staff into the back of the store while he rummaged around. After getting what he came for, he left and the cops were called. The store manager took inventory and discovered that all our bozo had taken was one glazed maple bar. That’s it. The cops tracked down our sticky fingered suspect and arrested him at a bus stop nearby.

Yes, Alcohol WAS Involved…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File In Burnley, England, where our bozo made so many mistakes we feel obliged to count them. Mistake number one, he entered the Bottle Shop he planned to rob later and got friendly with the clerk, having a drink and even being given a free bottle of alcohol because the clerk liked him. Mistake number two was his choice of disguise when he returned. A zebra print onesie. The disguise only worked until our bozo opened his mouth, at which time the clerk immediately recognized him. To prove his was serious, he pulled a large carving knife on the clerk, who countered with a metal pipe he kept under the counter for just such emergencies. His third mistake was compounded by the weather. He fled the scene on a bike, which left fresh tracks in the snow. The cops followed the tracks to his residence where our bozo answered the door still wearing the onesie. Busted!

Maybe He Should Have Tried Green and Hidden In a Tree

Bozo criminal for today comes form Madera, California, where Jose Guerrero was suspected of stealing a car and was on the run. With the police closing in, he decided the best thing to do was to don a disguise. Which might have been a good plan if he had made a better cholce of concealment. Not having a ski mask or even a bandanna handy, our bozo picked up a can of black spray paint and covered his face with the stuff. Maybe he was thinking he could find a place that was dark and it could serve as some sort of make-shift camouflage. Didn’t work. He was quickly apprehended and placed under arrest.

Come On, Officer, Just Let Me Take It For a Spin Around the Block!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brunswick, New York, where officer John Ames stopped at a convenience store to gas up his marked patrol car. He was in the process of filling the tank when bozo Charles Potter pulled up, parked his vehicle, and walked directly over to the officer’s car. Or perhaps we should say staggered over to the officer’s car. Fortunately, the copr was able to stop him before he slid behind the wheel. After a field sobriety test showed his blood alcohol content was more than two times the legal limit, he was placed under arrest.

Um…This Sure Doesn’t Look Like Money

Bozo criminal for today comes from Muhlenberg Township, Pennsylvania, where bozo Raul Ortiz had it all figured out. He would stake out an ATM machine, wait for someone to approach it, and then rob the victim at knifepoint. Things were going according to plan, his victim was at the machine, so he sprang into action. The surprised woman told him she had no money and couldn’t get any out of the machine. The reason? The “ATM” was actually a stamp dispensing machine at the local post office. The woman screamed, post office workers ran to her aid and our bozo fled. The cops caught him a short time later hiding in a dumpster at a nearby business.

Doggie Doo Don’t Work As An Excuse

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, where bozo Maurice Ford came up with the crappiest excuse ever to try to keep from getting arrested. Local police noticed our bozo walking erratically and jumping off the sidewalk and into traffic. He claimed that the reason for his unsteady gait was that he was trying to avoid stepping into dog poop on the sidewalk. Thinking he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol, the officers attempted to arrest the man, who then came up with the most bozo way ever to try to avoid arrest. He dropped to the ground and rolled in the dog poop and then informed the officers that they couldn’t arrest him because he was covered in feces. Didn’t work. The cops held their noses and took him in.

This Wasn’t a Snow Angel They Left Behind

With the record amounts of snow we’ve received this winter in many parts of the country, it was only a matter of time before Mother Nature helped in the capture of a bozo. From Lakeville, Massachusetts comes the story of bozos Robert Brock and Amy Paulsen who are charged with breaking and entering and larceny. And how did the cops track them down? It seems at one of their home break-ins our bozos backed their truck into a snowbank. When they left with their loot, they also left behind a clear impression of their license plate in the snow. Oops. Using this information, the cops tracked the truck and recovered over 300 stolen items.

But She Stole My Coke!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 099648: If you’re a bozo, it’s not always a good idea to call the cops to settle a domestic dispute. From Alliance, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Robert Carver who called 911 to report a theft…by his wife…of his stash of cocaine. The cops headed to the residence where they found our bozo, who was also wanted on an outstanding warrant, in possession of drug paraphenalia. They also charged him with misuse of 911. No sign of his wife or his missing cocaine.

Well, You Can’t Have Batting Practice Alone

Bozo criminal for today comes from Caldwell, Idaho, where 22-year-old Joey Washington was on the run from the law, wanted on a fraud case. The trail had gone cold until our bozo decided he wanted to have some fun. So he posted on his Facebook page that he was going to take batting practice at a facility in Boise and invited all his friends to join him. Not sure how many friends showed up, but the cops did. He’s under arrest.

On Second Thought, Don’t Label It

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska, where bozo Charles Gibbs was pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. While they were questioning him, the cops noticed something strange in the car. A plastic sour cream container with a hand written label on it that said “Not Weed.” Sure. And of course weed was exactly what it contained. He’s busted!

Assault With a Jiggly Weapon

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Belfast, Northern Ireland, where cops were called to a report of a dispute. Upon arrival they found two neighbors who had been arguing, resulting in one of them being knocked to the ground and injuring her back. It was her unusual claim of the weapon he used that landed our perp in the Bozo Hall of Fame. The woman told the cops that in the midst of the argument, our bozo attempted to move her out of the way by “belly bumping” her with his sizeable stomach. The impact of the belly blow caused her to be knocked down and suffer the injury. He’s been charged with assault.