Probably a Better Option Would Have Been a Slurpee

The extreme heat around much of the country continues to bring out the worst in our bozos, an example being today’s story from Belleville, Illinois. Sweltering in triple digit temperatures, our bozo couple decided the best way to cool off was to take a dip in a swimming pool. Sounds like a good idea, except for three crucial mistakes. Number one, it wasn’t their pool, and the neighbor who did own the pool didn’t like it. Number two, they forgot their bathing suits and jumped in totally naked. And number three, it was 11:30 in the morning and the pool and its naked intruders were in full view of neighborhood children. And with that third strike, they were placed under arrest.

If I Hear “The Horse” One More Time…

Our bozo for today from Peoria Arizona may be a criminal in the eyes of the law but we can certainly sympathize with his actions. Peoria police were called to a band camp where 52 Peoria high school students were practicing until late in the evening. According to reports, our unidentified bozo got out of his vehicle waving a gun and yelled at the students, “Stop making noise! Morning and afternoon is OK, but nighttime is not.” He then then got back into his car and left. Police are still looking for our bozo. No word on whether evening practices have been curtailed.

You Mean There’s a Second Floor?

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Port Orange, Florida, where bozo John Parker accidentally shot himself in the hand. After receiving treatment at the hospital, our bozo and his wife invited police officers to come to their home to show them how to “safely unload and store” his guns. Sounds like a good idea, except for one tiny detail. On the second floor of his home was a large marijuana growing operation, with 46 plants. Our bozo attempted to throw his wife under the bus, saying he never went up to the second floor and it was solely her operation. The cops didn’t buy this excuse and both our bozo and his wife were busted.

There’s No Place Like…Jail?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wentworth, North Carolina, where bozo Rodney Warren was due to be released from jail after serving his time on a misdemeanor charge. When it came time to go, our bozo said he wasn’t leaving unless the cops gave him a ride to a motel. After they informed him the police department wasn’t running a taxi service, he again refused to leave. If he really wanted to stay, he got his wish. He’s still in jail, with new second degree trespassing charges against him.

He Must Have Been Really Thirsty

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Coventry, Connecticut. It seems bozo David Carlton was out for a little drive when he came upon a police DUI checkpoint. Which might not have been a problem except for one thing. Our bozo was drinking a beer at the time. And he took a swig of it as an officer approached his car to ask for his drivers license. Bad idea. He’s busted!

Next Time Buy Your Own

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Belleville, Illinois, where bozo Shannon White called 911 to report a problem. Or at least she considered it a problem. The cops might not agree. When asked what her emergency was, our bozo told the operator that her boyfriend was hogging all the beer and wouldn’t give her any. Uh, OK. She’s been arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and false use of 911.

He Should Have Stopped With “My Truck Was Stolen”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report form Orchard Park, New York. It seems our unnamed bozo called the cops to report that his truck had been stolen. Nothing wrong with that. It was just that our bozo gave the cops a little too much information. He told them he had been smoking crack cocaine with a prostitute when he gave her $200 and the keys to his truck and told her to go get more drugs. That was the last he saw of her. He’s busted!

These Roaches Checked In and Shouldn’t Have Checked Out

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Milford, Connecticut, where three bozo drug dealers checked out of their hotel room, leaving behind a little something. Actually, a lot of something…$50,000 worth of heroin to be exact. Employees found the drugs and called the cops, who were investigating when our bozos returned and asked if they could rent the same room again. Busted! They’re now checked into the county hotel.

At Least the Dogs Are Cool

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Peet for sending in today’s report from Battle Creek, Michigan. Police were called to Maynard Lake after a fisherman reported seeing a vehicle drive into the lake. Upon arrival, the cops discovered a pickup truck submerged to the door handles and a very wet bozo nearby. It was when the cops questioned him that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the police that he drove the truck into the lake because his dogs were hot and he wanted to cool them down. And besides, he added, the truck needed washing. He’s been charged with DUI.

Bozo “Boob” of the Day

Our bozo criminal for today is not a criminal, but certainly qualifies as a bozo. From Akron, Ohio, comes the story of bozo Chrissy Lang, a single mom and university student, who has taken to panhandling at a busy intersection on recent days. It’s what she’s panhandling for that landed her in the Bozo Report. Our bozo’s sign says, “Not Homeless. Need Boobs.” Yep, she’s asking for donations so she can get her boobs done. Local residents are upset at her request, but police say she’s not doing anything wrong.

Let’s Do It Again!

In the non-bozo world, success breeds success, but for bozos success sometimes breeds arrests. From Nashua, New Hampshire, comes the story of bozos Louis Caldwell and Raymond Watkins, who walked into a Wendy’s, holding their hands in their pockets as if they were armed, and demanded cash. The clerk gave them money, and, flush with their newfound success, instead of fleeing, they decided to try the same approach at the McDonalds next door. Bad idea. Wendy’s employees called the cops who arrived just in time to find our bozos exiting the McDonalds. They’re busted!

The X-Ray Looks Normal To Me

Bozo criminal for today comes from Glendora, California, where the cops were investigating Dr. Rodrigo Lopez on suspicions that he was illegally prescribing prescription medications to drug addicts. So, they set up a little sting. An officer came in and complained of back pain, even bringing in an x-ray as evidence. The doc took a look at the x-ray and asked if she wanted Vicodin, oxycodone, Valium, or Zanax for relief. Instead of taking her prescription, the officer placed the good doctor under arrest. And how did she know he was a quack? It was the x-ray, which was of her German Shepherd and which clearly showed the dog’s tail. Busted!

Well, It Has Been Very Hot Lately

Bozo criminals for today come from Charleston, South Carolina, where police were called to the downtown area around 2 a.m. after a report of a disturbance. When the police arrived, they were surprised to find bozos Christopher Ellis and Anthony Dunn strolling around “completely in the nude.” One of our bozos was carrying his cell phone and the other had a sack which contained their clothes. And as for their reason for taking the au naturale stroll? They said they “thought it would be fun.” Hope they enjoyed themselves. They’ve been charged with indecent exposure.

At Least He Didn’t Stay Long Enough to Make a Deposit

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bruck An Der Leitha, Austria, where police were called to a report of a break in at a bank. Investigating officers discovered a locked door that had apparently been forced open, with marks and dirt on the door. Inside, the police found more dirt and more scuff marks. Several things had been overturned inside the bank but nothing appeared to be missing. The officers then decided to review the CCTV tapes and were quickly able to identify the culprit. A large wild boar. Police say he will be arrested if he returns to the scene of the crime.

If They’d Only Had a Roller Shade

Today we have the first ever case of a bozo foiled by….window blinds! From Albuquerque, New Mexico, comes the story of bozo Thomas Morton, who apparently had broken into Central New Mexico Community College. Police responding to a report of a burglary in progress arrived to find our bozo hopelessly entangled in some window blinds. It would seem he was trying to make his escape through a window when, somehow, he became caught in the window coverings. The cops freed him from the mean old blinds and placed him under arrest.

And the Judge Didn’t Even “Friend” Him

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Boyle for sending in today’s report from the International File in Portsmouth, England. Bozo Michael Reed was on trial for assault and he was allowed to return home at night. The trial had drug on for some time and our bozo was feeling confident. So confident, in fact, that he posted on his Facebook that he thought he “was going to get away with it.” Bad idea. The messages were forwarded to the judge. Upon being confronted with this new “evidence” he promptly changed his plea to guilty.

Not Only Is He Arrested, He’s Grounded

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brandon, Mississippi, where 22-year=old Roy Means walked into a convenience store, flashed a fake gun and demanded cash. As fate would have it, who should walk into the store at that very moment but his mother, who had come down to do some shopping. Mom saw what was going on, grabbed the fake gun and shoved her son out the door. She then tried to explain that her son was only “playing”, an excuse that the clerk refused to hear any of. The cops were called and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Maybe the Jail Is Air Conditioned

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradenton, Florida where 20 year old Shakeem Fox wanted to go to jail. Really wanted to go to jail. Bad enough that he approached a deputy outside the Sheriff’s Office and told him to arrest him because he didn’t have any ID. When this didn’t work, our bozo hopped onto the hood of the patrol car and began jumping up and down, causing about $800 worth of damage. That did the trick. He’s behind bars.

Well, It Has Been Hot Lately

Bozo criminal for today comes from Van Buren, Arkansas, where bozo Flora Burns was heading home from the grocery store when she crashed her car into the back of a truck. The damage was not significant enough to keep her from speeding away from the scene of the accident. The truck driver called 911 and investigating officers went to our bozos home to question her. When they asked her why she left the accident without waiting for police to arrive, she responded with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the cops she had just purchased some ice cream and didn’t want it to melt. Sorry, that’s not in the list of acceptable excuses. She’s been charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

Not a Good Time to Make a Fashion Statement

Our bozo for today from the International File In Dusseldorf, Germany had it all planned out. He armed himself and covered his face before pulling off his robbery. He got away with cash, but was also recorded by security cameras. Should be no problem…he covered his face, right. That he did, but he forgot about what he was wearing. A unique t-shirt, one of only three of its kind sold in the German city. After the other two owners of the shirt were ruled out as suspects, our bozo confessed to the crime. He’s now wearing a standard issue jail shirt.