No Money In Here…But It Plays Great Music

Bozo criminals for today come from San Diego, Califorina, where a couple of bozos broke into the local Hooters restaurant. They then tried to back their pick up truck through the glass front doors and into the building. Quickly discovering that the truck wouldn’t fit, they went to Plan B. Our bozos headed inside, attached a chain to the ATM machine and towed it outside where they loaded it onto their truck and sped away. A pretty good plan, right? Wrong. What they thought was and ATM machine was actually a jukebox. Oops.

A Peep Show No One Would Want To See

Bozo criminal for today comes from Davenport, Iowa, where 325 pound, five foot eleven bozo Jose Perez broke into a lingerie store. And, no, it wasn’t to steal something for his girlfriend. This trip was purely personal. He grabbed several lacy items and then went into the manager’s office, stripped naked and tried them on. He was obviously enjoying himself, spending two hours wandering around the store, trying on various items and playing with “toys.” Unfortunately, one other thing was obvious on the video surveillance camera. The tattoo of his name on his back in big, bold letters. He’s busted!

Glad It Wasn’t a Circular Saw

Bozo criminal for today comes from Duluth, Georgia, where bozo Joseph Tucker went shopping at the local True Value Hardware store. After finding what he was looking for, he didn’t head for the check out lane. Instead, he headed to the aisle where the bungee cords were kept, grabbing a couple of them. He then stuffed the item down his pants, using the bungee cords to help hold it in place. Needless to say, this is not the most inconspicuous way to attempt to shoplift something. And not the safest, either. Did we mention the item he stuffed down his pants was a nail gun? Security officers captured him before he could get away and before he could do any damage to himself.

Back In the Day, We’d Just Hold Our Breath Until We Turned Blue

While there are no criminal charges pending, our story for today from Brockton, Massachusetts certainly features a Bozo In Training. A ten-year-old boy, who shall remain nameless, was upset that his mother had ordered him to go to bed at 8PM. So instead of doing any of the things that kids ordinarily do to protest, he took this one to the next level. He dialed 911. Even though he lost his nerve and hung up without saying anything, officers showed up at his home to investigate. After receiving a stern warning from the cops, Junior was sent to bed. No charges were filed, but he is officially grounded for two weeks.

Guess There Wasn’t Enough Land At the Bus Station

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report form Augusta Maine. Bozo Marlon Clark, who had previously been convicted on arson charges and was ordered to repay more than $126,000 in restitution, turned to the most lucrative business he could think of to raise cash…marijuana farming. Worried that someone would find his farm and steal his crop, he decided to move it to a secure area. Unfortunately, the area he chose was inside a fenced-in portion of the Augusta State Airport. Yep, he was growing pot inside the airport. Not surprisingly, someone noticed his suspicious activity and reported it to the cops. He’s busted!

And I Have Herbalife, Too

Bozo criminal for today proves once again that there is nothing more annoying to most folks than an overaggressive salesperson. Police in Portsmouth, New Hampshire were called to a senior living facility after reports of an altercation. And, no, the fight did not involve employees. It was the seniors who were upset. Apparently the regularly scheduled bingo game was interrupted by a disagreement that quickly got physical, with pushing and shoving going on and one woman ending up with scratches on her arm. And what caused the ruckus? Apparently one of the residents kept interrupting the game by trying to sell the players Avon products. The investigation continues.

Good Thing She Wasn’t Carrying Oregano,Too

Our bozo story today doesn’t involve criminals but instead comes from the Bozo Internal Affairs Department. From Memphis, Tennessee, comes the story of a big Ohio State Buckeye fan who was passing through the area when she was pulled over by the cops. And the cops acted like they meant business, too, getting out of their vehicle with body armor on and guns pulled. One of them then asked her what she was doing with a marijuana sticker on her bumper. Initially stumped, she eventually realized the “marijuana leaf” on her bumper was actually the Ohio State symbol, a buckeye leaf. After doing some checking, the cops discovered she was correct, and, embarrassed, sent her on her way.

Key Leads To Lockup

Bozo criminals for today come from Chalmette, Louisiana, where bozos Robert Cain and Jaime Sowell burglarized a bar, getting away with several cartons of cigarettes. Police officers who were investigating found something unusual that our bozos left behind. An apartment key. Yep, they left behind the key to their own apartment. Officers were able to develop information that pointed to our bozos as suspects and when the key fit the lock to their apartment, they were busted!

This Is What Happens When You Watch Too Much “Breaking Bad”

There are no real bozos or criminals involved here, but there was no way we could let this story pass by without taking note. Residents of Union County, Illinois noticed something strange going on in the woods. They reported a man carrying numerous buckets and plastic tubing into the forest. The authorities put two and two together and came up with the only possible solution…there was a meth lab being built in the woods! A drug enforcement swat team sprang into action and raided the place, guns drawn, demanding to be taken to the site of the lab. The homeowners took them into the woods to show them the setup…tubes coming out of trees with an amber fluid flowing into big plastic buckets. Not meth, but maple syrup. The officers left with a sample of the syrup and a standing invitation to come by for pancakes anytime.

They Should Have Gone To Judge Judy Instead

Not exactly a loving couple for this Valentine’s Day…Our bozos for today come from Clinton, Connecticut. The lovebirds were traveling in a car with their 8-year-old in the back seat when they started arguing. The argument quickly escalated into something physical, with both parties striking each other in the head in front of the child. Unable to settle the disagreement between themselves, bozo husband decided to drive to the nearest police station to let the cops straighten it out. Bad idea. He was charged with DUI and they both were charged with violating domestic violence statutes for physically fighting in front of a child. They’re under arrest. The child is safe with family friends.

Wonder If He At Least Bought Them a Drink?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lauderdale-By-The-Sea, Florida, where bozo Stephen Miller thought he had a good thing going. He would visit local bars, and, while they were distracted, would go through women’s purses, snatching the wallets. Everything was going well until Saturday night, when a woman noticed what he was doing and scared him off. Somehow, in all the confusion, he managed to leave his own wallet behind, complete with photo ID. That, plus the fact that he was caught on the bar’s video surveillance cameras led to a quick arrest.

First, Turn Off the Phone, Then Break Into House

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sidney, Ohio where bozo Douglas West was in the process of robbing a home when he accidentally pocket dialed 911. Police officers arrived at the scene and found a window forced open. They were checking the inside of the house when our bozo’s phone betrayed him again. The low battery alert sound went off, giving away his hiding place inside a bathroom. He’s under arrest.

Wyle E. Coyote Tried This With a Big Acme Magnet

There’s no Bozo involved in today’s report, but we just couldn’t let this one pass by without taking note. Police officers were called to a Carol Stream, Illinois medical facility after a report of a robbery. One of the officers taking a look around had his gun yanked out of his hand. Not by any bozo criminal but by the strong magnet in the office’s MRI machine. Fortunately, the gun did not go off and no one was injured. The cops had to call the manufacturer of the MRI equipment for advice on how to remove the gun from the machine.

And While I Have You On the Line, Could You Co-Sign For Me On a Loan?

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sabadell, Spain, where bozo Juan Cortez stole a wallet. He ran into trouble when he tried to use the credit card and was unable to guess the PIN number. After a number of tries, he found himself locked out of the system, so he did what any bozo would do, he called the wallet’s owner to ask for the PIN. He attempted to pose as a VISA customer service representative, but his ruse failed and he was placed under arrest.

And He Wasn’t Wearing a Seatbelt, Either.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Brooksville, Florida. Bozo Timothy Cain was spotted driving erratically, swerving and sideswiping various things as he drove. He was where and what he was driving that made him eligible for the Bozo Hall of Fame. He was driving a motorized shopping cart at the local Walmart. Store employees said he took an alcoholic beverage off the shelf, popped the top and went for a little joyride, knocking over various displays as he drove through the store. He’s been charged with disorderly intoxication and theft.

Maybe the Sign Wasn’t Up Yet

Bozo criminals for today from Manchester, New Hampshire, violated Bozo Rule Number 99765: Before pulling off a robbery, it might be a good idea to check the building permits. Our bozos walked into a convenience store, threatened the clerk with a knife and demanded cash. They did get their money, they just didn’t get very far. You see, the Manchester Police Department has just moved into its new building. Directly across the street from the convenience store. They’re under arrest.

If At First You Don’t Screw Up Totally…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Stephen Stewart for sending in today’s report from Boaz, Alabama, featuring our Bozo Award for Persistence. Bozo Matthew Tucker was involved in an accident and was taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital. Our bozo obviously had no interest in sticking around the emergency room, as, after having been there a short time, he persuaded the staff to let him go outside for a cigarette. Once outside, he hopped into an idling ambulance and sped away. He didn’t speed very far before running off the road and getting the ambulance stuck. Not one to give up, he headed to a nearby barn where he tried to saddle a couple of horses. Failing in this attempt, he stole an SUV that was parked nearby and promptly crashed it. He then found a second SUV to steal and managed to use it to drive himself home. The next morning, still suffering from the effects of the initial car crash, he drove the stolen SUV back to the emergency room for treatment. Bad idea. The staff recognized him and he was promptly placed under arrest.

He Was Probably “Oiled” Up In More Ways Than One

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Burbank, California, where bozo Jorge Garcia had an oil change business. But, oil ain’t cheap, and with no price reductions on the horizon, he took matters into his own hands. He walked into the local Costco, armed with a bunch of bungee cords, and proceeded to use them to strap quarts of oil to his body. 24 quarts in all. As you might expect, it was a little tough for him to walk and he did attract a little attention to himself as he headed for the exit. Store employees gave chase and nine quarts of oil fell off as he was running. The police joined in and captured him a few blocks away. As he was lying on the ground, our bozo kept complaining that he couldn’t breathe due to the weight of the remaining quarts of oil pressing down on his body. The oil was unstrapped and he was placed under arrest.

What Time Is It? Miller Time!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Burgettstown, Pennsylvania, where bozo Timothy Wilson was placed under arrest on an assault charge. The cops were processing our bozo when somehow he got out of his handcuffs, kicked the door off his holding cell and ran away. As you might imagine, such strenuous activity can cause a bozo to work up quite a thirst, so he headed straight to the nearest bar. Once inside, be began bragging about breaking out of jail and asked for a beer. He probably should have picked up a six pack at 7-Eleven, as the cops tracked him down and arrested him before he was able to finish his brewski.