But At Least They Left the Bar Smelling Outdoorsy Fresh

Bozo criminals for today from Winona, Minnesota, seemed to have a good plan for pulling off a bar heist. First, dress all in black and cover faces with bandanas and ski masks. Check. Second, conceal your weapon inside a paper bag. Check. Third, wait until near closing time and grab the manager when she went outside for a smoke. Check. Things were going according to plan until one of our bozos dropped a box containing the night’s cash receipts. This emboldened a patron to get in the face of the other bozo, causing him to drop his box of loot. Other customers and employees then joined in, partially removing our bozo’s masks and causing the weapon to drop to the floor. That’s when it was discovered that, instead of being armed with a gun, our bozo was carrying…an air freshener. Thinking better of the whole plan, our bozos fled empty handed. One more thing, they were recognized by employees since they had been drinking in the bar only 15 minutes earlier. Oops. They’re busted!

But It Was Just a Test Drive

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in West Vancouver, Canada. The cops had their radar set up on Highway 1 when our bozo sped by, doing 100 mph in a 55 mph zone. They were able to safely pull him over and that’s when our bozo offered up this explanation. He had just purchased his $265,000 McLaren 10 minutes ago and was just “trying it out.” Sorry, pal, there’s not a trial period where the speed limit is waived. Hope he enjoyed his 10 minutes with the car. It was towed from the scene and impounded for seven days and he was socked with a $368 ticket.

So That’s What Nanu Nanu Means!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Myerstown, Pennsylvania, where state troopers responded to a report of an explosive device at a hotel. The manager of the hotel told the cops he had been having problems with a guest, who had informed him that he had a bomb in his room. After telling him to remove it, the manager observed our bozo placing it outside near a dumpster. And that’s when the bomb squad was called and the device was disposed of without incident. Our bozo then offered up the Excuse of the Week. He told the police that he was simply trying to save the planet. You see, he had encountered aliens and a UFO in 2014, and had stayed in touch. They recently informed him that, “Humans need to start being good people,” or else they were going to destroy the Earth with a nuclear laser beam. And so he had no choice but to create the bomb to get the attention of authorities. Well, he did get their attention. He’s been charged with manufacturing a weapon of mass destruction, causing or risking a catastrophe and reckless endangerment. But at least our planet is safe from the aliens.

What is Art?

Today’s story from Detroit, Michigan is one of those “pick ’em” reports where it’s up to you to decide who the real bozo is. It seems one Mr. Sheefy McFly, 29, is a well-known graffiti artist who was commissioned by the city to paint a mural on a viaduct on the city’s northeast side. He was hard at work, spray paint can in hand, when the cops rolled by. He tried to explain the situation to the cops, but when he couldn’t produce his city-issued permit for the job, the cops wouldn’t budge. The situation got worse for Mr. McFly when the cops ran his ID and found there was a warrant out for him on an unpaid parking ticket. Before all was said and done, seven police cars were on the scene and our artist was arrested on suspicion of resisting and obstructing and on a warrant for an old parking ticket. He was held for 24 hours before the situation was sorted out and he was released. He is, however, still scheduled to appear in court to take care of the ticket. No word on the status of the mural.

No, I Didn’t Mean “Missiles”, I Meant “Bottle Rockets”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Bangor, Maine. According to police, our bozo stole a flatbed truck from American Concrete Industries in Veazie and headed north. Cops tracked the truck down, finding it at our bozo’s residence in Hershey Township, about 45 miles from the Canadian border. What makes this story worthy of mention is our bozo’s Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he stole the truck to “haul missiles up to Canada.” No word on where he was getting the missiles or why Canada needs them. He’s under arrest.

Did They Pick Him Out of a Lineup or What?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooklyn, New York, where bozo Isaiah Taylor is accused of repeatedly pulling the emergency brake in the back of subway cars, causing 747 delays over the past few months. So, how was he caught? Apparently on May 16, in addition to stopping the car, he decided to drop his pants and expose himself to the passengers. In an unusual case of a bozo being foiled by modern technology, one of the passengers whipped out a cell phone and took a picture of his, um, junk. The evidence was provided to the cops who used the photo to make a positive ID of our bozo. Busted! Charged with reckless endangerment, criminal trespass and indecent exposure.

Bozos Always Get Dumber At Closing Time

Bozo criminal for today from Hackettstown, New Jersey, violated Bozo Rule Number 242901: Don’t drunk dial the cops. Apparently bozo Randy Wilson had a little too much to drink at the local bar. After several attempts to calm him down failed, employees of Marley’s Gotham Grill kicked him out the front door and told him he was banned for life. So, what would a bozo do under such circumstances? Call a friend for a ride home? Nope. Start walking and look for another bar? No way. Dial 911 to complain? Yep. Officers arrived and found him drunk, outside of the building yelling and cursing at the staff. When he turned his anger toward the cops, he was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and abuse of 911.

Honestly, I Was Just Looking For a Parking Place!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Pierce who sent in this story from Gresham, Oregon, which proves once again that Bozos should read the daily report to keep from making the same mistakes over and over. Once again we have a bozo fleeing from police. Cops turn on the flashing lights and our bozo whips into the first parking lot he finds. And not just any parking lot…the one belonging to the police station. He sped around the lot and crashed into a parked car. He’s busted! Charged with felony elude, DUI, criminal mischief, reckless endangering, reckless driving, driving while suspended and unlawful delivery of imitation controlled substance. The last charge refers to trying to sell fake drugs, according to police. Whew. A new record for number of charges!

He Probably Should Have Checked On E-Bay First

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sunderland, England, where we have an unusual theft to report. Our bozo approached a police cruiser parked at a rail station, took out his tools, and removed the blue light bar from the top of the cop car. He then tossed it over his shoulder and walked away. Not surprisingly, the whole thing was caught on security cameras. We don’t know what he planned to do with the lights because the photo quickly lead to his identification and arrest.

Her Pink Barbie Car Was In the Shop

Bozo criminal for today comes from Walhalla, South Carolina, where cops received a report of a woman driving down the street in a toy car. Upon arrival, they found bozo Megan Anderson tooling down the street in a teency silver Power Wheels truck. When they stopped her, she offered up the Bozo Non Sequitur of the week. She said she was riding the toy truck “as part of a scavenger hunt” and that she “wanted to be a professional wrestler like her father and this was how to do it.” Huh? She was arrested and charged with operating a toy truck while under the influence.

Step One: Learn How To Spell the Name of the State

Bozo criminal for today comes from Moorpark, California, where a motorcycle cop noticed something wrong with a big tractor-trailer rig that pulled through town. Upon further inspection, it was the license plate that was the culprit. Let’s see..black and yellow color, check. Seven digit number, check. State name: “Califas”. While that may be common Mexican slang for California, the state isn’t a part of Mexico just yet. In addition to being charged with making a fake license plate, he was also charged with drug possession, driving without a license and having an active warrant for his arrest.

You Will All Be Guacamole If You Don’t Hand Over the Cash!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Beersheba, Israel. Our bozo walked into a bank, handed the teller a note demanding all the cash in the drawer. The first indication he was a bozo was that he misspelled “drawer.” The second was that he threatened to blow up the bank with a “grenade”, which in fact was an avocado he had painted black. Surprisingly, he still got away with $4450 in cash. This all worked so well that he tried the same approach five days later, again getting away with $3300 in cash. However, he went to the avocado bin one time too often, as this time the cops had surveillance video and cell phone records to go on. He’s now under arrest. The location of the weaponized avocado is unknown.

Hey, A Guy’s Gotta Advertise!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Pierce, Florida, where police working an undercover sting operation noticed a guy wearing a rather interesting shirt. Bozo Terry Smith had on a t-shirt with the word “Coke” boldly printed on the front of it. When the cop approached him, he immediately offered to sell him four crack cocaine rocks. Busted! He was also found to be in possession of marijuana and MDMA. Some guys never learn. He’s spent nearly 17 years in prison on various drug related charges, and was just released in February. He’s going back.

There Was So Much Coke At the Party, All You Had To Do Was Breathe To Get High!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida, where bozo Fabricio Gonzalez was pulled over at 4:30 Sunday morning on a routine traffic stop. When the officer approached the vehicle, she immediately noticed a white powdery substance on his nostrils which she believed to be cocaine. His nose was swabbed and the test came back positive for coke. In the meantime, his backpack was searched, turning up a small baggie of cocaine, 250 grams of marijuana and 13 Xanax pills. Just a routine bust, right? Nope. Our bozo wasn’t going quietly. He attempted to clear things up by offering up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. While he admitted there was cocaine on his nose, he said it was not his. Huh? He didn’t offer an explanation as to how someone else’s cocaine ended up in his nostrils. He’s busted!

Honey, I Forgot the Drugs

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Manchester, England, where our bozo left his backpack behind when he got off the train. The lost backpack was turned in to the cops who opened it in an effort to return it to its rightful owner. What they found inside made things a little more interesting. Twenty-five tablets, a large amount of white powder, small snap bags containing white rocks, snap bags containing white powder and a scale. Oh, and the man’s ID, containing his name and address. Oops. The police are giving him the opportunity to come in and claim his stuff.

The Real Question: Is a McDonalds Chicken Sandwich EVER Properly Prepared?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Norwich, Connecticut, where bozo Shanelle Wilson pulled up to the local McDonalds and ordered a chicken sandwich. It seems our bozo is very picky about her sandwiches as she flew into a rage when it arrived and it was “not made correctly.” She got into an argument with the manager, who was 29 weeks pregnant, slapping her and a male employee before being given a refund. But even that wasn’t enough, as she then headed to the kitchen to make the sandwich herself. More slapping and shoving ensued and the cops were called. Our bozo was arrested and charged with breach of peace and assaulting a pregnant woman. No word on whether she ever got a proper sandwich.

Well, If They Don’t Have Tacos, What’s the Point?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Slidell, Louisiana, where our unidentified bozo needed her Taco Bell fix. Really, really needed her Taco Bell. And when she arrived, she was dismayed to find that the restaurant was out of both hard and soft taco shells. So maybe she went to another Taco Bell? Nope. Maybe switched to a burger? Nah. Called 911 to report the outage? Yep. She called up the Slidell Police department to complain about the taco shortage. The cops informed her that, while this was a crisis, there was nothing they could do about it. No word if charges were filed for 911 abuse.

I Told You We Should Have Used a Hacksaw!

We have had many, many failed bozo attempts to steal ATM machines, but today’s story from Okaloosa County, Florida, may just top them all. Two masked bozos entered the Boardwalk on Okaloosa Island, whipped out a blow torch and went to work on the ATM. Things didn’t go exactly as planned when, instead of cutting into the machine, the torch welded the metal parts of the locks and hinges shut. Oops. After it became apparent they weren’t getting anywhere, our bozos packed up and left. Police hope surveillance camera pictures will lead to an arrest soon.

I Swear It Was Open the Last Time I Was Here!

Bozo criminals for today from St. Clair County, Michigan, violated Bozo Rule Number 884484: Be sure the place you’re planning on robbing is actually still in business before scheduling your break-in. Our bozos used a pry bar to break into a grocery store and headed toward the pharmacy, hoping to steal medications. Unfortunately, the pharmacy in the store had been closed for some time, causing our bozos to leave empty-handed. As they left, security cameras caught a clear picture of their license plate. They’re busted! Charged with breaking and entering of a building with forced entry and malicious destruction of property.

Hey, Guys, I Was Only Kidding!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from St. Augustine, Florida. Bozo Nicholas Carlson was pulled over after he was spotted driving erratically. As the cops approached the vehicle, our bozo sped away. A few minutes later, apparently thinking he had made a clean getaway, he called 911 to gloat. On the call he said, “what do we pay you guys for? Like I’ve driven past four cops.” He then went on to brag that no one could catch him because his Hyundai was really fast. He was wrong. He was pulled over and a quick look inside the vehicle found numerous drug paraphernalia, including several pipes, a jar full of marijuana, THC wax, a small bag containing an unknown white powder, and a dish containing a pink tinted crystal substance. He’s busted!