Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who sent in this one from the International File in Sydney, Australia. Our bozos violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 97898: Don’t try to rob a bar where a biker club is holding a meeting. Our bozos burst into the bar, brandishing machetes and wearing ski masks, demanding cash, apparently unaware that some 50 bikers were holding a meeting in a room next door. The bikers struck back at our bozos with tables, chairs and pretty much anything that wasn’t bolted down. And to add insult to injury, the bikers hogtied our bozo to hold them until the cops got there.
Month: February 2008
Bozo Criminal for today comes from Daytona Beach, Florida, where bozo Justin McGuffey wanted to hold up a convenience store, but didn’t have a weapon. He didn’t let that deter him, however, as he walked into the local Circle K and told the clerk to give him all the money in the register. When she looked up, she saw our bozo standing there, pointing a finger at her, pretending it was a gun. Not surprisingly, she ignored the finger and called the cops as our bozo ran out of the store. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From the International Lonely Hearts file in Genoa, Italy, comes the story of bozo Bruno Parra who robbed a post office. He got away with some cash, but, try as he might, he just could not get the image of the lovely woman he robbed out of his head. So, he did what any lovesick bozo would do. He bought a large bunch of flowers and returned to the post office the next day to apologize. And to ask for a date. She kept him talking while she set off a silent alarm alerting the police, who came by and arrested our Romeo.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Sheboygan, Wisconsin, where bozo Felipe Martinez stole a pair of jeans, a black t-shirt and a black jacket from the local Kohl’s store. A police officer thought he recognized our bozo from the surveillance tape and he contacted him, asking him to come down to the police station. Guess our bozo thought he needed to look his best for his meeting with the cops. He wore the stolen shirt, jacket and jeans when he went to the station house. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Ottawa, Canada where Bozo John Stagner is now charged with driving while intoxicated. And he did everything he could to make it as easy as possible for the cops. He drove drunk to the police station, where he parked and got out of his car. After wandering around for a few moments he went inside the station house. Officers quickly determined his condition and placed him under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Anderson County, South Carolina comes the story of bozo Charles Chadwick who was upset that the cops had seized almost $2000 of his money a few months back when he was arrested for trafficking methamphetamine. So upset, in fact, that he drove himself down to the sheriff’s office to complain. Which might have been within his rights except for one thing. He stole a car to drive down to the sheriff’s office. One of the officers recognized the car as stolen and noticed as screwdriver sticking out of the ignition. He’s back under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Delhi, Louisiana, where bozo Thomas Barnhart was trying to call a friend when he mistakenly dialed a woman who was shocked to hear him say, "I have killed them all," and hang up. The late night call so panicked the woman that she called the cops who used the name on the caller ID to track down our bozo. When they arrived at his house, they learned that he had been trying to call a friend to brag about his success in playing an Xbox game. While there, the cops ran his name through their database and discovered our bozo was wanted on an outstanding cocaine possession charge. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Jonesboro, Arkansas, where bozo Michelle Anders was watching the local Crimestoppers show on TV. They were doing a segment showing a woman in a red shirt who had been passing bad checks at the local Wal-Mart. Our bozo took one look at the woman and recognized her…as herself. She called the cops and turned herself in. Only problem is…it wasn’t her. The woman on TV weighs 125 and has curly red hair. Our bozo weighs 167 and has straight blonde hair. Didn’t matter, though. The cops did a quick check of our bozo’s records and found she was wanted on other charges, for burglary and forgery. She’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 4678: It’s best to keep a low profile when you’re a wanted man. From the International File in Rome, Italy comes the story of bozo Martino Cassini who disappeared a couple of years ago with his mistress and $70,000 that he stole from the family bank account. Despite the efforts of the local cops and a private investigator hired by the family, no sign of our bozo had been seen until last week when he and his mistress turned up as extras in an Italian movie. A friend recognized him and called the cops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lehighton, Pennsylvania where bozo Patrick Perry asked to use a convenience store clerk’s cell phone as a ruse to steal her purse. Since that worked so well, he decided to try the same approach a little later that same day. And that was his first mistake. His second mistake was not leaving the area before trying his little trick again. His third mistake was selecting the husband of the woman he had just robbed that morning as his second victim. He had already heard what had happened to his wife and asked our bozo if he’d like to go for a little ride in his truck. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he agreed. The man drove our bozo to the convenience store where the police were continuing their investigation. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Pungarehu, New Zealand, comes the story of bozo Mark Parker who was in a hurry to get to court on charges of driving without a license. In a little too much of a hurry, as an officer pulled him over as he sped to the courthouse. When the officer stepped up to the driver’s door, however, there was no one behind the wheel, as our bozo had slid over into the passenger’s seat. And that’s when he gave the officer the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told him that he wasn’t driving and he didn’t know what had happened to the driver. The officer didn’t buy his excuse and charged him with speeding and driving without a license.
Bozo criminal for Valentine’s Day comes from the International File in Nanchang, China. Our bozo had recently been set up on a date with a lovely young woman that he really wanted to impress. And since he had no transportation of his own, he stole a motorcycle from in front of a supermarket the evening before they were scheduled to meet. When he arrived for his date the next day, she was furious. Not because he was late and not because he wasn’t properly dressed. Because that motorcycle he had stolen the day before belonged to her. Oops. Not exactly the best way to start your first date. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from the International File on the Poland-Belarus border. Our two bozos, who were Egyptian immigrants, wanted to leave Belarus and go to Poland, but they had no passports. So, they took the bozo approach. They decided to tunnel out. Afraid that purchasing shovels would attract attention, our two bozos used shoehorns to try to dig under the barbed wire separating the two countries. They did succeed in digging quite a hole, but somewhere along the way they lost their sense of direction. When they popped to the surface, they were still in Belarus, right in front of the barbed wire and in plain view of the border guards. They’re under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today from Boulder, Colorado, wanted to get into the drug manufacturing business, but somewhere along the way he must have forgotten that the drugs he was going to make were illegal. First, he set up a Pay Pal account to pay for the raw ingredients he needed, using his own Master Card account. Then, he set up an Ebay account, giving his e-mail address as "freebasing @hotmail.com". And finally, he purchased the chemicals and laboratory equipment he needed and had them shipped directly to his home. Needless to say, all his mistakes sent up numerous red flags. Police were waiting with a search warrant shortly after everything arrived. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Goldonna, Louisiana, where bozo Charles Nolan wanted to print up some counterfeit spending money. And since he didn’t have a computer, he came up with the ultimate bozo scheme. He broke into a house and went to work on their computer, setting it up to print his money. And like any computer endeavor, it took longer than he planned. A neighbor noticed a suspicious car outside the house and called the cops. He’s been charged with burglary and counterfeiting.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts, where bozo Damon Harper took a car for a test drive at a local dealership. When the salesman got out to do paperwork, our bozo took off. After driving around for a while, he realized that he must have left his wallet at the dealership. So, he did what any bozo would do under the same circumstances. He called them and offered a deal: He’d return the car if they’d give him his wallet back and not call the cops. This is one deal they wouldn’t make. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Rumford, Maine, where two DEA agents had just completed a bust at a marijuana growing operation. They were headed back to headquarters with 10 large confiscated marijuana plants bundled up in the back of their pickup. It was while they were stopped at a light that our two bozos pulled up behind them. Not being able to resist temptation, one bozo jumped out and broke a branch off one of the plants. Guess he thought the driver wouldn’t notice. He couldn’t have been more wrong. He’s been charged with both theft and drug possession.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Redwood City, California, comes the story of bozo Eric Munson who held up the Bank of America branch, getting away with $1900. Our bozo fled the scene and then abandoned his getaway car a few miles down the road. Which might have been a good idea except for a couple of things. First, he robbed the bank wearing his work clothes, a hard hat and vest, both of which were emblazoned with the name of the electric company he worked for. And second, he left those clothes, along with his photo ID from his employer inside the car. And the photo on the ID matched the photo taken by bank security cameras perfectly. He’s busted.
Bozo criminal for today comes from East Naples, Florida where bozo Joann Olson was having a bad hair day. Responding to an alarm, the police found her inside the neighborhood hair salon, clad in a housecoat, pajamas, slippers and yellow dishwashing gloves. She told the cops that she had broken into the salon because they gave her a bad haircut and she was going to steal enough money from them to get her hair fixed. And to add insult to injury, after she was arrested her husband told the cops she had broken into the wrong hair salon. Wait ’til she sees the haircut she’ll get in prison.
Bozo criminal for today from Columbus, Nebraska, learned the hard way that "Let’s Make a Deal" only works when you’re Monty Hall. Bozo Juan Lara walked into a convenience store and tried to purchase cigarettes, a lighter and a cigar only to discover that he had no cash. He then reached into his pocket and whipped out a baggie of marijuana and offered to trade the pot for the merchandise. No deal, the clerk replied. Our bozo told him he would be back with the cash shortly. He left the store and buried the pot in a snowdrift within plain sight of the clerk, who called the cops. Our bozo was pacing back in forth in front of the store, trying to figure out a way to come up with the cash when the cops arrived. Busted!