They Got Juiced!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Seville, Spain, where the cops noticed a little Suzuki sedan being driven erratically. When they pulled the car over, they quickly discovered why. The car was packed, and we do mean packed, with oranges. Oranges in the front seat, in the back seat, in the trunk, and in a station wagon and van that was also travelling with them. About 8800 pounds of oranges in total, according to police estimates. And when they were asked where they got all those oranges, they came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. They told the cops they had just been driving around, picking them up on the ground. Right. That would be, maybe, 26,000 oranges they had picked up. They are under arrest while the cops try to squeeze more information out of them.

Well, If You’re Going To Steal a Vehicle, At Least Steal One That Gets the Job Done

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Moscow, Russia, where our bozo wanted some wine. Really, really wanted some wine. So, he did what any bozo would do. He stole an armored personnel carrier, basically a tank, and crashed it through the window of a store, crushing a small car in the process. He then climbed out, entered through the broken window, and grabbed himself a bottle of wine. Unfortunately for him, there were several witnesses who posted the event on social media. He was quickly apprehended and placed under arrest.

Just Can’t Beat That Home Cookin’

Bozo criminal for today comes from Beaumont, Texas, where officers at the federal prison received a report that inmates were crossing from prison grounds onto private property to smuggle contraband into the lockup. So, they set up surveillance in the area and, sure enough, they witnessed a vehicle slow down and drop a large duffle bag on the private property. Shortly thereafter, bozo inmate Joshua Alexander was seen running from the prison grounds to grab the bag. He was nabbed as he attempted to return to the prison with the contraband. Inside the bag? A large amount of home cooked food, along with some marijuana, brandy, whiskey, chewing tobacco, packaged snacks and fruit. Busted! He’s now been charged with escape and possession of marijuana.

Scratch and Lose

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Myers, Florida, where our bozo for today was behind the counter. A customer came into the Winn Dixie Liquor store and presented the clerk with a winning scratch off lottery ticket for $600. Our bozo clerk scanned it, told the customer he had only won $5 and then reached into her purse, pulled out a $5 bill and handed it to him. That was her first mistake. Her second mistake was not realizing that the “customer” was an undercover agent from the Lottery Commission. When the officer came back inside to arrest her, the winning ticket was found hidden in her notebook. Busted!

He Just Really, Really Wanted a Big Beefy Burrito

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinley for sending in today’s report from Spring Hill, Florida. The sheriff’s office got a call from the local Bank of America branch reporting a man passed out in the ATM drive-thru lane. The cops arrived, and, after several attempts, were finally able to rouse our bozo. When he awoke, he immediately tried to place an order for a burrito. Yep, he had mistaken the ATM lane for the Taco Bell drive-thru. He’s busted and charged with DUI.

I Thought You Tied Down the Pot!

Bozo criminals for today come from Grand Island, Nebraska, where the cops received reports of objects falling out of the back of a pickup truck. Officers quickly caught up with the truck and pulled our bozos over, finding several large bags of marijuana in the bed of the truck and other bags scattered along the highway. Oops. They’re busted and charged with possession of $366,000 of marijuana.

Rule Number One: Place Keys In Pocket

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Taylorsville, Utah. Bozo David Harris walked into the local credit union, claimed to have a gun and demanded cash. Things were going well as he ran out of the bank, carrying the cash in a bag. Then, his troubles began. He got to the getaway car only to discover he had left his keys inside the credit union. He then decided to flee on foot, but the bag got caught on something and ripped open, sending cash flying everywhere. All this activity attracted the attention of bystanders, who were able to tell the cops where our bozo had fled. He was quickly captured and placed under arrest, less much of the cash, which authorities believe may have gone down a storm drain.

Well, A Man’s Gotta Work

Bozo criminal for today come from Cottonwood, Arizona, where bozo Juan Ramirez was wanted on suspicion of taking part in a bank theft. He kept missing appointments with detectives and refused to take their phone calls, so a warrant was issued for his arrest. The thing to do now is lay low, right? Wrong. The thing to do now is to apply for the dispatcher’s job at the local police department. Yep, that’s exactly what he did. During a background check, the warrant came to light. He’s under arrest.

Easiest. ID. Ever.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where bozo Charles Wilson walked into a convenience store, raised his shirt to reveal a gun in his waistband, and demanded the clerk hand over several packs of cigarettes. He got his smokes and left. End of story, right? Wrong. There was one thing about this bozo that made him very easy to identify. His clothing? Nope. A visible scar? No. His social security number tattooed on his forehead? Yep. Our bozo had his actual social security number plainly inked on his forehead. And, since he’d been in trouble with the cops before, he was quite easy to track down. He’s busted!

She Put Him On Hold Until the Cops Arrived

Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas, where bozo John Brunson walked into a cell phone store, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk refused to open the register and our bozo began to wander around the store, eventually walking into the store’s office. At this point, the quick thinking clerk ushered all the customers outside and locked the door behind them, leaving our bozo trapped inside. The cops were called and our bozo panicked, shooting the lock four times and eventually dropping to his knees, begging to be let out. Didn’t work. He’s charged with aggravated robbery and assault with a deadly weapon.

A Real Snow Job

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Grand Forks, North Dakota, where bozo Dustin Wilson found out the hard way you don’t mess with Mother Nature. Our bozo spent seven hours at the local Hobby Lobby filling up his shopping cart with thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. He then wheeled his cart out of the store without paying and immediately got the cart stuck in the snow, where it turned over. He fell to the ground, and, thinking better of the whole thing, fled on foot. Unfortunately, he also dropped his wallet, which contained his name and address. He’s under arrest.

That Must Have Been Quite a Punch

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cocoa, Florida, where we have the first ever reported assault on an ATM for giving too much money. It seems Bozo Michael Owens had stopped by an ATM to pick up some cash on his way to work. The machine gave him the money he asked for plus some extra. So, what do you do when an ATM gives you too much money? You punch the screen, of course. That’ll show that stupid machine! Unfortunately, the security camera caught the whole thing. He’s been charged with criminal mischief after causing $5000 in damage to the machine.

No, You Turn LEFT at the End of the Pier!

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Astoria, Oregon, where the cops were called to a report suspicious activity at a pier. The cop found our bozo there, trespassing on boats. When they arrived, he jumped in his pickup truck and immediately drove off the pier and into the Columbia River. As the truck began to sink, he tried to flee by swimming away, but the frigid waters caused him to quickly turn back. After being treated for hypothermia, he was charged with criminal trespass, parole violation, attempt to elude a police officer, reckless driving and escape.

Next Time Set Off a Roman Candle

Our bozo for today to start the New Year comes from Kalamazoo, Michigan, where Richard Brown rang in the new year in typical Bozo fashion by firing off a gun while standing on his back porch. An officer on patrol in the area heard the shots and actually saw our bozo shooting off his weapon. He stopped to advise him that this was a violation and when our bozo seemed a little nervous, a search warrant was ordered. He was found to be in possession of a stolen firearm as well as large amounts of marijuana and methamphetamine. He’s been charged with possession with intent to distribute methamphetamine, possession of a stolen firearm, felony firearm, maintaining a drug house and possession of marijuana. Happy New Year!