August 29, 2003

(Best of Bozo) From the International File in Rothsay, Scotland, comes the story of three bozos who had big plans to rob the local branch of the Bank of Scotland. Their plan went awry early on when they had trouble negotiating the front door. Somehow, the three managed to get stuck in the revolving doors, and they had to be freed by the bank staff. At this point, they sheepishly left the building to regroup. They entered the bank a second time, getting past the doors and going straight to the teller, who recognized them as the dopes who had just gotten stuck in the door. The teller only laughed when they demanded money. To prove he was serious, one of our bozos jumped onto the counter but slipped and fell to the floor, clutching has badly-sprained ankle. Seeing that things were going downhill fast, the other two bozos headed for the door. Yes, that door. And yes, they got stuck in it again. This time, they succeeded in remaining stuck there until the police arrived.

August 28, 2003

(Best of Bozo) From Woodbridge, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Ariche Taylor and three of his bozo buddies who went looking for a car to steal late one evening. And of all the places to steal a car in New Jersey, our bozos picked perhaps the worst place of them all…the parking lot of the East Jersey State Prison. Our bozos were still searching the lot for the perfect car when they were surrounded by guards. And it’s not like our bozo didn’t know where he was…he’s spent 15 years of his life locked up in that very prison.

August 27, 2003

(Best of Bozo) Our bozo for today from Santa Clara, California, comes from the When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go File. Bozo Frank Simmons and one of his buddies had been driving around all afternoon, drinking beer. And right now, they needed to find a restroom, and quick. And on this stretch of highway, there were no service stations in sight. Suddenly, they spotted a large bus. Thinking it was a Greyhound, our bozos began following it, hoping the driver would lead them to the depot and the much needed facilities. It looked like our bozos were in luck. The bus was slowing down and pulling into a large compound. And our bozos were right behind. Only this compound didn’t look much like a bus station. It had tall walls all around it and a security gate in front. Our bozos had followed a department of corrections bus transporting prisoners straight into the Elmwood Correctional Facility. They were arrested for DWI.

August 26, 2003

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City where bozo William Vines rushed into a New York police station and told the officer on duty that two men in a BMW had tried to cut him off in traffic and had waved a gun at him. And, in fact, he thought they were still waiting for him. When the police went outside to check, they found the two men trying to break into the trunk of our bozo’s Malibu. After arresting them, the cops decided to take a little look into our bozo’s trunk to see what the guys were after. In there they found almost half a million dollars worth of cocaine. Our bozo’s joined them in jail.

August 25, 2003

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Worth, Texas, where bozo Charles Haney rode his bicycle to the Taco Bell window and demanded they give him all their money. And, our bozo added, while you’re at it, make me a chalupa! One employee handed him the money and went to work on his order while another employee called the cops. He was waiting for his chalupa when the police arrived.

August 22, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from our own hometown of Tyler, Texas where an unidentified bozo was stopped by the Tyler Police on suspicion of burglary. When the officer approached the car, our bozo just sat there, casually looking around and ignoring the officer. He didn’t say a word until after he was taken into custody. And that’s when he gave his reason for acting so nonchalant when the officer approached. He thought he was invisible. Unfortunately, he wasn’t. He’s under arrest.

August 21, 2003

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Mexico City where two teenage bozos in full clown costumes climbed aboard a city bus. They did a song and dance routine and after no one on the bus offered any money for their performance, one of them pulled out a knife and demanded money from the passengers. They got off at the next stop but were quickly captured after the bus driver called the cops. Guess it’s a little hard to hide when you’re dressed as a clown. And those big floppy shoes are hard to run in, too.

August 20, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes form the International File in Hepberg, Germany where an unidentified 16 year old bozo threw a big party at his home while his parents were away for the weekend. Taking a look at the mess, knowing his parents would be home in a few hours, and knowing they were going to be really mad, he did what any 16 year old bozo would do. He called the cops and told them that someone had burglarized the house and had made a really big mess. The investigating officers became suspicious when they could find nothing missing. He’s been charged with deceit and wasting police time. He’s also been grounded for the rest of his life.

August 19, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Martinsburg, West Virginia where bozo Elaine Harrigan held up a bank. She got away but several witnesses gave the cops an accurate description of the getaway car, a late model red Jeep Wrangler. The next day a car matching that description was spotted in our bozo’s front yard with a big "For Sale" sign on it. When an undercover officer sent to investigate asked her why the car was for sale, our bozo told him she just needed to "get rid of it really, really fast." Uniformed officers were called and our bozo quickly confessed.

August 18, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from De Leon Springs, Florida where bozos Antonio Chagra and Andrea Cook were under investigation by the fish and wildlife department for possession of illegal venison, based on a report that they had shot a deer from their car a few hours earlier. Knowing that they had no deer meat, our bozos gave the officers permission to search their freezer. And they were right, there was no venison there. But they must have forgotten about the two huge bags of marijuana that were stashed there. Busted!

August 15, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Airway Heights Corrections Center in the state of Washington. Bozo Wesley Whitaker was about to be released after serving his time for drug possession and bail jumping. Understandably, our bozo was looking forward to a big party once he was on the outside. Unfortunately he couldn’t wait until he was far enough outside to start partying. He was overheard asking his friends on the outside to bring plenty of pot and pills when they arrived to pick him up. Officers were waiting when they arrived. Inside the van, in addition to the drugs, they found a mobile meth lab. Yep, they drove a meth lab to the prison. They won’t be driving it home, however. They’ve joined our bozo in jail.

August 14, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Matt Allen for sending in today’s report. From Gallatin, Tennessee comes the story of bozo John Carnes who was out for a little drive. And, as bozos like to do, he decided to enjoy a cold beer while driving. That’s a bad idea in itself but it’s what he did with the can when he was finished that really got him into trouble. He tossed the can out the window of his car and it landed with a smack on the windshield of a Tennessee Highway Patrol car which happened to be behind him at the time. He’s under arrest.

August 13, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Montana’s Glacier National Park comes the story of an unidentified bozo who’s not necessarily a criminal but he did get into trouble with the law. Our bozo was enjoying all the beauty of the park when he spotted a ground squirrel that seemed to be very friendly. The squirrel came up to him and our bozo took out his car keys and teased the squirrel with them, dangling them in front of his nose. Bad idea. Before our bozo knew what was happening, the squirrel snatched the keys and took them underground, never to be seen again. It was a costly afternoon for our bozo. He had to pay a locksmith to open the car and he was fined by the park ranger for harassing wildlife.

August 12, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in one of the poorest countries in the Middle East, Yemen, where an unidentified bozo was begging for coins in front of a mosque. He was doing OK, collecting a little money here and there when there came a noise from the bag he had beside him. It was the sound of his cell phone ringing. A beggar with a cell phone. As people began to gather to ask for their money back, our bozo made a quick exit.

August 11, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Nunthorpe, England where a couple of bozos broke into a home. As they turned on the lights, they heard a voice say, "Hello, who are you?" Then, in a sterner tone, "Hey, you, come over here!" That was enough for them. Thinking they were about to be confronted by the angry homeowner, our bozos fled. If they had stuck around a little longer they would have discovered that the voice they heard came not from the homeowner, but from his trained African Grey Parrot, Matilda.

August 8, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the state penitentiary in Indiana, Pennsylvania where bozo Raymond Davies had heard enough of the story going around prison about the inmate who had recently gotten his hand stuck in a prison toilet. No way that could ever happen, said our bozo, no way anyone would ever be stupid enough to get his hand stuck in a toilet. And to prove his point, he rammed his own hand down a toilet. Of course it got stuck. It took several guards and a couple of firefighters armed with an air chisel to get his hand out.

August 7, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartland, Maine where bozo Jean Lowry had been out drinking with her friend Paul Harris. After returning home, our bozo allegedly attacked her friend with a knife, stabbing him a few times but not seriously injuring him. It was after the police were called to investigate that she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month, and maybe of the year. She told the cops that she hadn’t attacked her friend. Instead, she said, it was the ghost of his ex-wife who suddenly appeared, knife in hand, and stabbed him. For some reason, the police didn’t believe her story. She’s under arrest.

August 6, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Charleston, South Carolina where a group of bozos broke into a restaurant and used a cutting torch to cut a cantaloupe-sized hole in the safe. Unfortunately, in the process they misjudged the torch’s power and set fire to the cash. Oops. Video cameras show our bozo dashing through the restaurant carrying a glass of water to douse the fire. The police say he may have escaped with a few charred bills, but much of the cash was destroyed.

August 5, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawks Michael Sittnick and Family for sending in today’s report. From Gambell, Alaska comes the story of two female bozos who were stealing gas from the local fuel depot. Unable to tell how much gas they had placed into their car’s tank, they did what any bozo would do. The lit their cigarette lighter to peer down inside and check the level. Not surprisingly the car and the girls quickly caught on fire. After being treated for minor burns they were placed under arrest.

August 4, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chesterfield, South Carolina where police officers were in hot pursuit of bozo thief Tom Clark. Our bozo spotted some dense undergrowth just off the 13th hole of a nearby golf course and made a dash for it, thinking it would be a good place to hide. Wrong. At that very moment a police association golf tournament was going on with 20 off duty officers taking part. He’s under arrest.