3 31, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Charles Gallo of New York who sends along this bozo report. From Thibodaux, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Toney Denman who was arrested for putting out his garbage. Well, sort of. It seems our bozo accidentlly threw away a duffel bag full of marijuana. The bozo soon realized his mistake and took off after the garbage truck. When he finally caught up, he convinced the garbage crew to let him dig thru the trash looking for his bag, after telling them the bag was full of money. The driver became suspicious and called the cops who arrived to find our bozo neck deep in garbage.

3 30, 1999

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out that Ann Landers has done it again. Another story from Ann’s weekend column. From Denver, Colorado comes the story of bozo Eddie Denton who held up a local bank, taking a small amount of cash. Our bozo would probably have gotten away with it except for one small thing. The holdup note, which he stuck in his pants pocket and forgot about. And was found by an alert empoyee at the local dry cleaners when preparing the pants for cleaning. Thinking the note looked like the real thing, she alerted the cops who arrested our bozo.

3 29, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts where bozo Alan Hamilton was walking down the street when he saw a police officer approaching. Our bozo reached into his pocket, took out a small glass jar and placed it on the ground behind a post. The police officer walked up and asked our bozo what he had just placed on the ground. "It’s my weed," the bozo replied. And indeed it was. The officer confiscated the marijuana and arrested the bozo.

3 26, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bridgeport, Connecticut where bozo Gary Zoeller reported to work for his first day on the job as a dispatcher. The first order of business was a training session on a computer used to check on outstanding arrest warrants. The trainer had our bozo type his own name into the computer so he could see how the system worked. In a matter of seconds, the computer brought up our bozo’s name along with an outstanding warrant for passing bad checks. Yep, the new police dispatcher was a wanted man. He was arrested on the spot.

3 25, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rick Nakroshis who passed along today’s bozo report via the internet. From Schererville, Indiana comes the story of bozo Alfred Warren who was celebrarting St. Patrick’s Day with several of his buddies at a local bar. Our bozo excused himself and went to visit the restroom, which, as you might expect had been rather busy this particular evening. So busy, in fact, that the toilet was stopped up. Since there was no plunger available, Alfred did what any bozo would do. He pulled out his handgun and shot the toilet. Killed it dead. Smashed it to smithereens. He did unstop the toilet. But he also got himself arrested for criminal recklessness with a handgun, a felony.

3 24, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Coleman who passed along today’s story via the internet. From Bartlett, Illinois comes the story of bozo William Hanks who broke into the Constable Police Supply Company, getting away with two police radios. Our bozo was arrested a few days later when he returned to the same business and attempted to sell the stolen radios back to them. An astonished sales clerk asked the bozo to wait a moment while he talked to the manager. The bozo was still waiting when the cops arrived.

3 23, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, Ohio where bozo Sam DiBella had spent the evening drinking with his buddies and bragging about his hot new car. After leaving the bar, our bozo decided he would show his friends just how hot his new car was. He pulled up to a red light, revved the engine and yelled a challenge to the other driver. The bozo stepped on it and immediately lost control, skidding into a telephone pole. But his problems didn’t end there. Remember the other driver, the one the bozo issued the challenge to? He was an off duty Newark police officer.

3 22, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sterling Heights, Michigan where bozo Norm Michaels came up with a scam to make himself some money. He claimed that his daughter had been kidnapped by his ex-wife and set up a little fundraiser to try to get her back. He charged five bucks a head and provided food and entertainment. What he didn’t count on was that the police knew his daughter had not been kidnapped. In fact she had been taken into protective custody by the cops after her mother proved to be unfit. Needless to say, the cops were quite interested in our bozo’s little "fundraiser." About 50 people were in attendance when an undercover cop took the stage, sang a karaoke version of "I Fought the Law" and slapped the cuffs on the bozo.

3 19, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Radnor, Pennsylvania where the cops decided to have a little fun with a bozo habitual criminal. The bozo was interrogated while wearing a metal colander on his head that was connected by wires to a nearby copy machine. The cops told him he was hooked up to their new high tech lie detector. The police had placed the message "He’s lying" in the copier and each time they thought the bozo wasn’t telling the truth, they’d hit the copy button. Of course, the machine would spit out the result, "He’s lying." Amazed at the accuracy of the new machine, the bozo simply confessed.

3 18, 1999

From Athens, Ohio comes a bozo story that proves dog may not be man’s best friend–if you’re a Bozo. Bozo Shawn Slater took his dog with him as he went downtown to browse thru a record store. The store had a no pets policy, so the bozo tied the dog to a parking meter in front of the store. The bozo must have found a lot to look at inside, because he stayed there long enough that someone became concerned about the dog tied to the parking meter. An employee from a neighboring business came out to check on the dog and noticed he had a "fanny pack" around his neck. Inside the pack there was no identification but there were four ounces of marijuana and $720. The police were called and the dog was taken downtown for safe keeping. Our bozo was arrested a short time later when he went down to the police station to report his dog had been stolen.

3 17, 1999

Hunger got the best of our Bozo Criminal from Knoxville, Tennessee this morning. Bozo Ed Lambert walked into a hamburger joint at closing time, flashed a pistol and told the guy working up front to give him all his cash, and while he was at it, make him a dozen hamburgers to go. The attendant told him since it was closing time, the grill had already been turned off and it would take about ten minutes to warm back up. Fine, said the bozo, he’d be glad to wait. In the meantime, a passerby with a cell phone in the car noticed a bozo with a gun in the burger joint and decided to call the cops. The bozo was patiently waiting for his burgers when the police arrived.

3 16, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona where bozo Randy Raines decided to hold up a convenience store in what he thought was a terrific disguise…full drag. Randy decked himself out in a long blonde wig, false eyelashes, lots of makeup and a skin tight red miniskirt with high heels. The cashier snickered a little at him, but gave him a small amount of cash and Randy dashed out the door. Well, dashed is not exactly the right word. Never having worn a skin tight miniskirt with high heels before, the bozo did not know it’s rather difficult to run in such a getup. He took off down the street but could only run a few steps before falling down. He pulled off his shoes but still couldn’t run very well because of the tight dress. He was struggling, trying to pull the dress over his head when the cops arrived.

3 15, 1999

Bozo criminal for today come from Chicago Illinois where bozo Gary Michaels had big plans to rob a jewelry store. His idea, smash the display window, grab as many goodies as he could and run. One problem, the display window was very thick so it would take a heavy object to smash it. Looking around, our bozo found just the object. A manhole cover just a few steps away. So, our bozo pried the nanhole cover up and with all his strength heaved it thru the window. Sure enough, it worked. The window was smashed. The bozo reached inside, grabbed his loot and took off down the sidewalk. Suddenly our bozo disappeared from sight…down the open manhole. He was trying to pull himself out when the cops arrived.

3 12, 1999

From the International File…. From Stettler, Canada comes the story of bozo David Yates who was stopped by the police after the car he was driving was seen weaving down the highway. Believing the suspect to be intoxicated, police placed our bozo in the back of the patrol car. While sitting in the back of the car, Mr. Yates ripped off his underwear and began to try to eat it. Yes, he was actually eating his own shorts. His idea was that the cotton fabric would absorb the alcohol before he had to take the breathalyzer test. Don’t know how he did on that test, but he just scored the first perfect 100 on the Bozo exam.

3 11, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gaithersburg, Maryland where there had been a number of appliances stolen from new town homes that were being built. Last Monday morning police were investigating the theft of a refrigerator from one of the homes over the weekend. It was at this time that one of the cops noticed bozo Freddie Simon. Freddie worked on the construction crew and he was backing his pickup up to the dumpster on the site. And what was he throwing into the dumpster? The cardboard box that the refrigerator he had stolen had come in. After a quick check of serial numbers, he was arrested.

3 10, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sioux Falls, South Dakota where bozo Tony Faulks was arrested and charged with bank robbery. It seems our bozo was pulled over for speeding and when police asked him to get out of the car they noticed his pants looked rather strange. Kinda lumpy. The cops found $1300 in marked bills from a bank holdup stuffed in his shorts. The bozo also wins our award for Bozo Excuse of the Day. He told the cops that he didn’t trust banks and he always kept his money in his shorts. He was arrested.

3 9, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Winston-Salem, North Carolina where bozo Bobby Burnett called a cab to take him to a local bank. He had the cabbie wait for him while he went inside and pulled off a holdup, getting away with a significant amount of cash. He then had the cabbie take him back to his home. Everything seems to be going pretty smoothly for our bozo, so why was he caught? The cabbie became suspicious when the bozo handed him a $50 bill for a nine dollar fare and told him to keep the change. When the cabbie heard about the robbery later he called the cops and directed them to the bozo’s house.

3 8, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Swansea, Massachusetts where bozo Robert Hughes walked into a bank and handed the teller a note demanding money. The teller looked at it and told the bozo, sorry, she just didn’t have any cash she could give to him. Our bozo, totally confused, turned very red in the face and promptly fainted. Police had to first revive him before they could arrest him.

3 5, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From London, England comes the story of Roger Chapman who was arrested and charged with robbing a service station. It was our bozo’s choice of disguise, or lack of, that got him in trouble. He wore a stocking over his head and nothing else. Totally naked. He said he didn’t want anyone to be able to identify him by the clothes he wore. Guess he didn’t count on a customer using his cell phone to call the cops when he saw a naked bozo with a stocking over his head walk into a gas station.

3 4, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for passing along today’s story. From Oxford, Ohio comes the story of four teenagers who were charged with criminal mischief for egging the houses of city officials. They were identified when police took a look at the surveillance camera tape from the town’s only grocery store and noticed the four kids purchasing a shopping cart full of eggs.