Hey, It Fired First!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending today’s report from Yakima, Washington, where police received a report of shots fired at a residence. Upon arrival, they discovered our bozo in the alleyway outside his home, “yelling incoherently” with a gun lying in the middle of the road. He was taken into custody and witnesses filled in the details. Apparently our bozo had just loaded some soda cans into his refrigerator when one of them exploded. He immediately grabbed his gun out of his waistband and shot the refrigerator dead. When confronted with this information at the station house, our bozo said actually he was shooting at the people in the basement who “wanted to kill” him. OK, except for one small thing…your home doesn’t have a basement. He’s been charged with second-degree unlawful possession of a firearm, and discharge of a firearm.

But That’s the Place It Gets the Best Reception!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Antelope Valley, California where a officer couldn’t believe what he saw on a Toyota Prius tooling down the freeway. The car had a satellite dish mounted right in the center of the hood. He pulled our bozo over and asked him if the dish obscured his view of the highway. Our bozo offered up this answer, “Only when I make right turns.” Sorry, unless you can proved you’re never going to make a right turn again you are busted! No word on whether he was ticketed or released with a warning.

Protect, Serve, and Help Find Stuff

Bozo criminal for today comes from Quinlan, Texas, where the cops were called to the local Shell station around 12:30 the other night. It seems a customer had lost something and had called the police for assistance. When they arrived, our bozo explained that he had dropped a bag of meth near the gas pumps and couldn’t find it. Busted! Charged with DUI and public intoxication. And that bag of meth…no details on whether it ever turned up.

Yes, Kiddies, Social Media IS Tracable

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma, where the police department posted a couple of pictures of Lorraine Graves as part of their weekly “Most Wanted” campaign on Facebook. It seems our bozo was on the run for allegedly being an accessory to murder. Not long after the post went up a familiar name came up in the comments section. One “Lorraine Graves” posted “Where the reward money at?” Didn’t take long for the cops to track her down. She’s under arrest. Not sure about that reward money, but her bond on accessory to murder charges has been set at $500,000.

When You Get a Craving For Chicken Nuggets…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Worcester, Massachusetts, where bozo Johanna Green stole a car and led the cops on a wild chase. During the two hour pursuit she ran red lights, drove in the wrong direction, and rammed several other vehicles, including two police cruisers. She even hit an officer, dragging him for a few feet, leaving him with non-life-threatening injuries. For all we know, this chase might still be going on if she had not driven by a McDonalds. And when she saw the Golden Arches, the need for Chicken Nuggets was just too great. She was arrested in the drive-thru while she was waiting for her order. Busted! And charged with 15 counts – including assault and battery by means of a dangerous weapon, leaving the scene of an accident with property damage, and resisting arrest.

Sometimes the Pressure To Live Up To the Family Name Is Just Too Much

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida. Police were called to a report of a car being driven erratically. Upon arrival, they discovered our bozo had struck a tree, a Taco Bell sign and the restaurant’s water meter before driving away. She was arrested when they spotted her driving through two red lights nearby. Upon questioning, she was described as having “bloodshot, watery eyes, a dazed and blank expression on her face and an odor of an alcoholic beverage on her breath.” Busted! And charged with DUI involving property damage, leaving the scene of an accident, and driving with a suspended or revoked license. Just a normal night on the Bozo Beat, so why does this story merit mention? Well, it’s her very ironic last name. Kanisha Booze has seven previous convictions for driving without a license and also has been convicted of grand theft and marijuana possession.

And After He Hit That Bump, She REALLY Needed To Go

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfield, Maine, where police radar clocked bozo Robert Crain doing 110 in a 45 MPH zone. The officer reported the Toyota Corolla was traveling so fast it appeared to leave the surface after hitting a bump. Yikes! The officer gave chase only to have our bozo pull into a Circle K. A quick interrogation seemed to be going nowhere until the passenger said she needed to use the restroom. Really, really needed to use the restroom. When she returned, our bozo had been charged with criminal speed, operating after suspension, violating conditions of release and operating under the influence. Guess the “Nature Calls” plea didn’t work this time.

Just Another Day At the Bozo Office

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Eaton County, Michigan and once again let’s count the strikes, shall we?
Our unidentified bozo was pulled over for doing 97 in a 55 MPH zone. This alone would be enough to merit a busting, but we’re just getting warmed up. He also failed a breathalyzer test and had an open container in the car. Officially strike number one. A search of the car turned up a dozen packets of cocaine. Strike two. Officers also found an unlicensed long gun, a felony. Strike three. And let’s throw in driving with a revoked license just for the fun of it. Busted! And headed to jail.

The Money’s Fake, You’re Arrested For Real

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Waterboro, Maine, where the cops responded to a call of a stolen vehicle early Sunday morning. Upon arrival, they spotted our bozo walking around the area. He had no connection to the theft but it was discovered that there was an outstanding warrant on him for robbery of a Walmart. Busted…but he said he had enough money on him to pay the $200 bail. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out two $100s and handed them over to the bail commissioner. End of story, right? Wrong. Those $100s where very obvious counterfeits. Oops. Add forgery and passing counterfeit money to those other charges.

Well, That Starbucks Cream Cheese Really Is Good

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from Miami Gardens, Florida, where our unidentified bozo pulled up to the Starbucks Drive-Thru and requested a bagel with cream cheese. He pulled away from the window before noticing the cream cheese was missing. Uh-oh. He did a quick u-turn and headed back to the service window. He screamed to the employee that he wanted his cream cheese and even went so far as to gesture at her with a hand gun, just to get his point across. Bad idea in any case, but his problems were compounded by the fact that the Starbucks employee just happened to be the chief of police’s daughter. He was given the cream cheese but before he was able to enjoy it he was pulled over and faces several charges including aggravated assault with a firearm.