It Was That Last Jagermeister That Did It

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number #3344765: Hold off on the drinking if your escape vehicle is a bicycle. From the International File in Birmingham, England, comes the story of bozo Jay Lane who was spotted by police responding to a burglar alarm. He was pedaling away on his bicycle, clutching a flat screen TV. It was obvious he was impaired as he was swerving and struggling to stay upright before eventually crashing into a police car. When questioned by the cops, he told them that he had drunk 24 beers and a shot of Jagermeister before attempting to pull off his heist. And his reason for the theft? He had just recently been released from prison and was “bored.” He won’t be bored any longer. He’s headed back to jail.

It’s a Great Name For a Band, Not Such a Great Thing To Do At Walmart

With Halloween approaching, thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from Shippensburg Township, Pennsylvania. Cops were called to the local Walmart on a report of a disturbance inside the store. Upon arrival, they found our bozo in the produce department, smashing pumpkins all over the floor. We’re not sure what his reasoning was here, maybe he just doesn’t like pumpkins. He was intoxicated and possibly under the influence of an unknown substance and was taken to a hospital for evaluation. Let’s hope pumpkin pie is not on the hospital menu.

How To Clean Up In the Drug Trafficking Business

Bozo criminals for today come from Durham, North Carolina, where the cops had staked out what they thought was a drug deal going down at the Raleigh-Durham International Airport. The cops arrested bozo Jason Adams of New York City, and charged him with selling what they believed to be three pounds of cocaine to bozo Tarvares Mitchell. But the tests on the package showed something completely different. Our bozo had purchased 10 bars of Ivory soap in thick plastic wrap, apparently believing it to be blocks of cocaine. Oops. They’re both under arrest while the cops try to decide what to charge them with.

Dennis the Menace Lives!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lafayette, Indiana, where a 12-year-old intermediate school student had heard that you could start an electrical fire in a rather unique way. And of course, being a curious boy, he decided to give it a try. He peed on an electrical outlet in the boy’s restroom at school. The trick worked, and a small fire broke out, but it was quickly extinguished. Mr. Wilson was just glad he didn’t do it at his house. The boy is under arrest with charges still pending.

Chili Powder 1, Guns and Knife 0

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Luton, England, where a shop owner had been robbed previously, so this time he was ready when three bozos, armed with a knife and two handguns, walked in and demanded cash. He reached under the counter and grabbed an open container of chili powder, which he had placed there for just this purpose, grabbed a handful and threw it directly into our bozos faces. Thinking this maybe was not going to work out as planned, our bozos fled empty handed.

Proof That Vaping Destroys Brain Cells!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from Charleroi, Belgium, where a group of six bozo thieves walked into a vape shop and demanded cash. The clerk told them sales of e-cigarettes had been slow, and why don’t they come back around closing time when there will be more cash on hand. After a bit of discussion, our bozos decided that was a pretty good idea, so they left. At 5:30, an hour before closing time, they showed back up but the clerk said there was still another hour to go so come back at 6:30. Once again, our bozos left, but this time the clerk called the cops, who were there waiting when the bozo mob showed back up. They’re busted!

Well If They Hadn’t Parked It In the Middle of the Road, I Wouldn’t Have Hit It!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pueblo, Colorado, where the cops were investigating a wrecked car found in the area. Little did they know the wreckage was just getting started. They left their cruiser blocking the roadway with the flashing lights on. That didn’t slow our bozo down a bit as he came barrelling down the street and crashed right into the cruiser. Strike one. The cops quickly determined he was drunk. Strike two. And did we mention there was a passenger in the car? There was. And he had a warrant out for his arrest. Strike three. They’re both under arrest.

Brilliant. Just Brilliant

There is absolutely no criminal activity involved in today’s story but we just couldn’t let this one go by without taking note. As you are no doubt aware, marijuana is now legal all across Canada. The legalization of pot provided a unique opportunity for one nine-year-old girl scout. After facing slow sales in her neighborhood, she decided to set up shop in front of a marijuana store on the first day pot was legalized in the Great White North. And the not unexpected result? She completely sold out in less than 45 minutes!

Well, He HAD Already Paid For It!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Norcross, Georgia, where bozo Zachary Noonan walked into a Subway and ordered a sandwich. He then jumped over the counter and got about $100 from the register and fled out the front door. Case closed. Successful robbery, right? Nope. Remember that sandwich? So did our bozo. And he went back inside to get it. Oops. He’s busted!

It’s Something About Those Prius Owners

Bozo criminal for today comes from Olympia, Washington, where a cop noticed a woman driving a Prius with expired license plates. He turned on his lights, but she made no attempt to stop, driving another mile before stopping at an intersection. Then, the cop used his loudspeaker to tell her to pull over. She didn’t, but she did remain stopped in the intersection, so the cop got out and approached her car. It was then she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, telling him, “I drive a Prius. I am not pulling over there.” She also offered up the excuse of “the tires kept popping.” After a fourth request to pull off the road was denied, the cop pulled her out of the car and when asked for her name, she said, “None of your business.” Not surprisingly, she’s under arrest, charged with failing to obey instructions, failing to identify herself, and for obstruction. No word on the fate of the Prius or its tires.

Maybe He Should Have Rehearsed First…

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, England, where our bozo donned a ski mask, armed himself with a toy gun and walked into a convenience store. After getting some cash from the clerk, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he then took off his ski mask right in front of the video cameras. He then got caught up in a drink display, scattering cans everywhere. Then, when he got to the door, he found himself unable to open it. Because he was pushing on it rather than pulling. The clerk he had just robbed took pity on him and came an opened the door for him to escape. Police were able to get a positive ID from the video and our bozo is under arrest.

Drop the Sausage and Step Away From the Stove

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradenton, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, they found one upset mother and one hungry son. According to reports, the 22-year-old told his mother he wanted her to cook him something to eat. Initially, she told him she was busy, but he persisted, so she grabbed a skillet and began to cook him some sausages. While cooking, she accidently bumped into him and apparently that did it. He flew into a rage and started pelting her with sausages, hitting her in the eye and eventually shoving her. That’s no way to treat mom. He’s under arrest.

Maybe He Should Have Considered Wearing a Mask

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Springfield, Missouri. It seems bozo Dustin Baker pled guilty to violating a restraining order and was placed on probation. Terms of the probation required that he wear an ankle bracelet. Of course, being a bozo, he couldn’t just be satisfied wearing the bracelet. Oh, no. He had to find a way to remove it, using a butter knife and a screwdriver. And, being a bozo, he just couldn’t keep this information to himself. He felt the need to post a do-it yourself video on Facebook showing the whole world how to do it. Bad idea. The cops look at Facebook, too. He’s busted!

Just Be Sure You Press “Warm” and Not “Cook”

Bozo criminals for today come from Jacksonville, Florida, where the local BP convenience store is located near a small strip shopping center. Not surprisingly there is a lot of traffic in and out of the store but some of the customers are coming in for a reason you might not expect. They come in, put an object in the microwave, turn it on, remove the object and leave. They then head to one of the other stores in the small strip. Did we forget to tell you that two of the stores in the strip are facilities that test workers for drug use? And those items that they place in the microwave? Illicit bottles of urine which they warm before going next door and passing it off as a fresh sample. Yuk. The store owner has now posted signs saying the microwaves are for food use only.

Well, We Import Everything Else From China…

Bozo criminal for today come from Des Moines, Washington, where the cops were called to a local Safeway with a report of a woman attempting to pass counterfeit bills. Upon arrival, they found her trying to buy a $5000 prepaid Visa card using some rather strange $100’s. While the bills initially looked good, further inspection found some errors. All the serial numbers were the same. Strike one. Some of the characters on the bill were printed in a bright pink color. Strike Two. And those characters were Chinese letters. Strike Three. She’s busted!

Honest, Casper Must Have Left It Here

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Monroe, Louisiana, where the cops received a 911 call from bozo Michael Atwood, who claimed that he had been “stabbed on the head by an axe” by an intruder. Upon arrival, our bozo cursed at the cops and at first was hesitant to let them in. Once inside, they found no evidence of an intruder nor any axe wounds on his head. They did find in plain sight 1 gram of suspected methamphetamine and another gram of the stuff in a pill bottle. When asked about the meth, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that a “ghost” must have planted the stuff there. That one’s not gonna work. He’s busted!

That’s One Wedding We Would Like To Have Attended

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s Bozo from the Wedded Bliss Division. Our bozo-ette, who shall remain unidentified, was the maid of honor at a wedding in Florida. Things were going well, bride and groom were married, had a bite of cake and were enjoying their first dance when our bozo picked up that bottle of Fireball. She chugged almost a whole bottle and then got a little ornery. She went up to the best man, grabbed the car keys out of his pocket, and jumped into his car. As she was backing out, she almost ran down the best man, then the groom’s brother grabbed the door and was drug a short distance before he stopped the car with the emergency brake. Guests wrestled our bozo out of the car, but she still wasn’t done. She went inside, picked up a bottle of Captain Morgan rum and guzzled it. She then started throwing punches, hitting one guest in the face before she was finally subdued. She faces charges of larceny, battery, grand theft of a motor vehicle, and violation of probation. Not surprisingly, the bride says they are no longer best friends.

You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Rock

Bozo criminal for today comes from Prince George County, Maryland, where our bozo used a large rock to shatter the window of a business. OK, now you’re inside, so what do you do? Security camera footage shows him picking up the same rock and attempting to use it to break the glass on a counter. No luck. It bounces off. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. And he did. This time the rock bounced off the glass and hit him in the face, knocking him to the ground. The footage shows him on the ground for several minutes before he came to and decided to give up on the whole operation. Police hope to make an ID soon, but in the meantime are looking for a bozo with a knot on his head.

And This Knocks Them Out of Any Hope For a Supreme Court Nomination, Too

Bozo criminals for today come from Colorado Springs, Colorado, where there are numerous stores selling marijuana, many with elaborate displays. And the temptation was simply too much for a group of teenagers, who smashed their van through the storefront of the Native Roots shop. They then ran inside and grabbed all the pot they could find and ran to a waiting getaway car, leaving the van running inside the store. Bad idea on a number of fronts. First the cops hope to use the van to track down the thieves. Second, the store doesn’t use real pot in the displays. What our bozos got away with was a bunch of oregano.

Be Especially Careful With That Weed Wacker

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stuart, Florida, where our unidentified bozo is drawing the ire of his neighbors. Apparently he likes to do work outside in the nude. One of his neighbors reports he had been working on his car while naked but recently has taken to mowing the yard sans clothes. At this point police have not filed charges as he is on private property and has not touched himself improperly. It seems one errant move with a hedge trimmer could solve the whole problem.