December 31, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Pat Kevin for contributing our final bozo story for 2002. From Genoa, Illinois comes the story of 18 year old bozo Jordan Barton who called the cops to report a safe containing close to $10,000 had been stolen from his apartment. The good news for our bozo is that the police recovered the safe, with the money still inside, after apprehending a friend of Barton’s, who allegedly stole it. So where’s the bozo part of the story, you ask? It’s that our bozo failed to tell the cops that, in addition to the money, there were also 229 grams of psychedelic mushrooms inside the safe. Uh-oh. He’s been charged with possession with intent to distribute.

December 30, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Cynthia Kindler-Thomas for sending in this one. From Bethlehem, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Christopher Carter who burst into a convenience store and threatened the clerk, demanding money. The clerk didn’t take his threat too seriously, however, due to our bozo’s poor choice of weapon. He simply covered a plastic roll of M&Ms candies with a brown envelope and pointed it at her, hoping she’d think it was a gun. No luck, she simply swatted the envelope away, revealing the candy (maybe he should have used fruitcake instead). Our bozo fled, leaving behind the candy and a meal ticket, with his name on it, which led to his quick arrest.

December 27, 2002

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania where bozo Edney Rivera fled the scene of an assault on foot with the cops in hot pursuit. Sprinting down the sidewalk and fearing that the cops were gaining on him, our bozo turned his head around to take a look and ran smack into a parking meter. The officers helped him up and hauled him away.

December 26, 2002

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sgt. Thomas C. Thomason of the Sun City, Arizona sheriff’s posse for today’s report. It’s the story of bozo Frank Hart who was in the process of burglarizing a business when a couple of sheriff’s deputies noticed him. The cops ordered our bozo to put his hands up, but he ran. Right down an alley and right up to a cement wall. A big wall, too, about five feet tall and two feet thick. Our bozo must have been running on adrenaline, because he scaled it in nothing flat. Probably the biggest mistake he made that day. He had climbed into the Sun City Sheriff’s posse compound where he found himself surrounded by 15 patrol cars. He was quickly arrested.

December 24, 2002

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from the Local Bozo File. From Tyler, Texas, comes the story of a couple of teenage bozos who worked for a local electronics retailer. The two somehow figured a way to activate the gift cards that the store sells and went on a little shopping spree. After allegedly trying to purchase a Palm Pilot, a minidisc recorder and some video games, our bozos ran into trouble at the checkout counter. The cashier suspected something was up when she ran the gift card through the register and noticed that it wasn’t for the usual $20, $50 or $100. Nope, our bozos had made themselves a gift card worth $100,000. The cops were called, and our high rollers were arrested.

December 23, 2002

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Rosa, California, where bozo Tyrone Brown stole a Chrysler PT Cruiser from a car dealership. Our bozo hadn’t driven very far when he noticed that the car was low on fuel. Thinking he could bring it back and exchange it for one with more gas, our bozo drove slowly back by the dealership. Unfortunately, the police were there investigating the crime and spotted our bozo as he drove by. A brief chase ensued with the police catching up to our bozo when his car ran out of gas.

December 20, 2002

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 8765: When robbing a store, it’s always a good idea to check out the guy in line behind you. From Muskegon, Michigan comes the story of bozo Ivory Lee Harper who pointed a derringer at the clerk of the local Walgreen’s and demanded money. A customer standing in line waiting to pay for a big bottle of mouthwash saw what was going on and whacked our bozo over the head with his Listerine. They say Listerine knocks out bad breath, in this case it knocked our bozo out long enough for a couple of other customers to pin him to the floor until the police could arrive.

December 19, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jack Decker for sending in today’s report. From Lansing, Michigan comes the story of bozo Jack Yates who was on trial for assault. As the jury was deliberating his fate, our bozo decided to flee during the lunch break. When they returned with their guilty verdict, our bozo was nowhere to be found. Police were still looking for him when he turned up at the state Attorney General’s office to complain about improper treatment during his trial. He’s had a new charge of absconding on bond added to his other problems.

December 18, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fulton, Kentucky where bozo William Hennessey was celebrating his 52nd birthday by having a big pot party with several of his friends. After receiving several complaints about smoke coming from our bozo’s house, police stopped by to investigate. No, the house wasn’t on fire. Our bozo had decided to turn his home into the world’s largest bong. Officers found a large amount of marijuana burning on a grill just outside his back door and a huge fan in the front door pulling smoke through the house. It was his bright idea to provide enough smoke in the house that everyone wouldn’t have to light up separately. Happy birthday. He’s under arrest.

December 17, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Berlin, Germany where an unidentified bozo walked into a lottery ticket shop and demanded cash, threatening the owner with an air pistol. His tactics didn’t frighten the owner’s wife, who grabbed an nearby can of holiday glitter spray and sprayed our bozo in the face. Stunned, he quickly fled the store, leaving his wallet behind on the counter. A short time later, still covered in glitter, he showed up at the police station to report his wallet stolen. He’s under arrest.

December 16, 2002

Bozo criminals for today were somewhat lacking in the Christmas spirit. From Skowhegan, Maine comes the story of a group of bozos who stole 27 Christmas trees from a local lot, backing a flat bed trailer up and simply hauling them away. Police shouldn’t have any trouble tracking the thieves down, however. They backed that trailer a little too far into a snowbank and when they pulled away they left their trailer’s license plate behind, stuck in the snow.

December 13, 2002

Bozo criminal for today got tripped up by an urban legend. Bozo Wanda Malloy of Surrey, British Columbia, Canada had heard that if you dial an extra one after the 911 emergency number it would tell you if the police were tapping your phone. Since she was the owner of a large marijuana farm, phone taps were a concern. So, she decided to give it a try. She hung up as soon as she realized that even with the extra one, the number went straight through to the cops. Police, fearing something was wrong, rushed to her home to investigate. There they found our bozo, along with all her pot plants. Busted!

December 12, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania where bozo Aaron Blalock worked for the local KFC. Our bozo saw how much money the place took in so he thought it might be ripe for a robbery. He showed up one evening, without a mask or any disguise and demanded money. Unfortunately he had forgotten the safe was on a time lock so he left empty-handed, but not before all his fellow employees recognized him. He skipped town after his failed robbery attempt, right? Wrong. He showed up for his regular shift three days later like nothing had happened. The manager called the cops and our bozo was arrested.

December 11, 2002

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0034: First be sure you know exactly what it is you’re stealing. From Irvine, California comes the story of a team of three bozos who stole some Chihuahua puppies from the local animal shelter. A few days later they brought the pups into the local Petsmart for vaccinations and an examination. They attracted some attention to themselves when they asked the manager what type of dog the puppies were. When she told them they were Chihuahuas they were rather insulted and told her no they weren’t. These puppies were Pit Bulls, according to our bozos. After they left, the manager did some checking and found the puppies had been reported stolen from the animal shelter. When our bozos brought their pit bulls back for a second round of shots they were arrested.

December 10, 2002

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to today’s bozo from Covington, Louisiana. It’s the story of bozo Eugene Carlisle who was casing a house to burglarize. When he peeked through a window, he spotted his image on a video surveillance monitor. Thinking quickly, he broke into the house and stole the monitor, throwing it away in the woods nearby. He wasn’t thinking quickly enough, however, to remember to also steal the camera and VCR, which contained the recording of his crime. He’s under arrest.

December 9, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from Fitchburg, Massachusetts where bozos Octavio Salas and Jose Cortez had smuggled about $100,000 worth of cocaine into town in the gas tank of their car. With visions of quick profits dancing in their heads, our bozos didn’t even drain the tank before trying to get at the dope. Instead they used a power saw to cut open the tank. And of course a spark ignited the tank, the dope and our bozos. The cocaine was destroyed. Our bozos are recovering in jail.

December 6, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Scranton, Pennsylvania where bozo Ernest Vega had been charged with theft but was offered the opportunity to wipe his record clean by taking part in a rehabilitation program. When he arrived at the courthouse to enroll, he discovered he did not have the $700 fee. And that’s when the Bozo mind went to work. He stole a court stenographer’s laptop to pawn, but the pawnshop refused it because the power cord was missing. So he returned to the courthouse to retrieve it. He was arrested after a stenographer spotted him with a power cord dangling from his pocket.

December 5, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Perugia, Italy where a couple of bozos perhaps thought the holiday season would be a good time of the year to rob a perfumery. They managed to shoplift about $600 worth of perfume before being spotted by the manager, who called the cops. In their haste to escape, they smashed a bottle of jasmine perfume. Officers on the scene only had to follow their noses to find the crooks. The sweet scent of jasmine led them to a nearby alley where they arrested our bozos.

December 4, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Johannesburg, South Africa. Michael Martin robbed a woman on her way to church, snatching her purse. Two police officers saw the whole thing and quickly captured our bozo. When they returned the purse to the woman, her cell phone was missing. Thinking perhaps he had ditched the phone during the chase one of the officers decided to call the number. Much to their surprise they heard the muffled sound of the phone ringing. From our bozo’s underpants. He had stashed the phone there and the officers had missed it when they searched him. Our embarrassed bozo turned over the phone and was placed under arrest.