She Basically “Self-Arrested”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Arlington, Massachusetts, where the cops spotted bozo Brenda Dews driving the wrong way on a one way street, swerving and forcing other cars off the road. As he approached the vehicle, the officer noticed a strong odor of alcohol and asked for her license and registration. That”s when our bozo reached into her purse and pulled out…a credit card and a receipt from the liquor store for a bottle of vodka. Oops. After failing a field sobriety test, she was placed under arrest.

But At Least the Pizza Arrived Piping Hot

Bozo criminal for today took advantage of one weakness that we all have…fresh, hot pizza. Bozo Thomas Rucker is a member of a local volunteer rescue squad, a group that assists citizens with high water and road rescue operations. He also is a pizza deliveryman for Pizza Hut. So, he decided to combine the two to increase his pizza delivery efficiency, by using the rescue squad emergency lights on his car when he was delivering pizza. Not a good idea. The cops spotted him while he was making a delivery using the lights and charged him with unlawful use of an emergency signal and reckless driving. He’s busted!

Pull That Cart Over, Ma’am

Bozo criminal for today obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 32459: A getaway car should be inconspicious, and speedy. From Warrenton, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Laurie Chambers who swiped $13 from the tip jar at the local Subway and then tried to use it to purchase her $12.75 meal. The cops were called but our bozo had fled the scene by the time they arrived. While they were there, the received a call about a woman matching her description causing a disturbance at the Rite Aid store a short distance away. Again, she was gone by the time they arrived but this time they got a report of a motorized shopping cart loaded with merchandise being stolen from a Home Depot. And that was her fatal mistake. The cops spotted her, with the cart stacked high with merchandise, motoring down U.S. Highway 101. She’s busted!

If Only He’d Stolen a Box of Band Aids

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Richey, Florida, where bozo John Cates had a plan. He went down to the local Sears store, gathered up a number of items and, using a box cutter, took the price tags off of them. In doing so, however, he managed to cut himself. He stuffed the items into his pockets and headed to the bathroom. Once there, the sight of his own blood was just too much for him, and he passed out. And that’s where the security guard found him, on the bathroom floor, surrounded by price tags and covered in blood. He’s been charged with theft and possession of marijuana.

He Must Have Been Late To That Willie Nelson Concert

Bozo criminal for today from Springfield, Massachusetts proves once again that “honesty is the best policy” is NOT the best policy for bozos. A Springfield cop noticed bozo Robert Ortega zoom through a stop sign and gave chase. He pulled our bozo over and, when the window was rolled down, found himself enveloped in a cloud of smoke. The officer asked, “Are you smoking marijuana while driving this motor vehicle?” To which our bozo truthfully replied, “Why, yes I am, officer.” Busted! He’s been charged with DUI, failure to obey a stop sign, and failure to wear a seat belt.

If He Hadn’t Worn the Suit, No One Would Have Noticed

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number #432597: If you’re wanted by the cops, it’s always a good idea to try to remain inconspicious. From Ocala, Florida, comes the story of bozo Anthony Garcia who was hanging around outside the Dollar Tree store. Ordinarily this might not have caused a problem, but it was his appearance that made the employees uncomfortable. He was clad in a business suit, was riding a black bicycle with a green monster sticker and had blusish purple paint spattered on his face. After he made several laps around the parking lot, nervous employees called the cops and, sure enough, they discovered that he was a wanted man, with an outstanding warrant from a nearby county. He’s under arrest.

He Probably Expected Her to Like the Post, Too

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s story of a bozo whose heart was in the right place but ended up getting arrested anyway. From Harrison, Arkansas, comes the story of bozo Cory Patterson who broke into a residence and stole prescription medication. When the woman made a post on her Facebook a couple of days later saying that her home had been burglarized, our bozo read it, and apparently had a change of heart. He sent her a message apologizing for the break-in. Apology accepted, but she told the cops about the message anyway. He’s busted!

And The Get Out Of Jail Free Card Doesn’t Work Either

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Stephen Cooper for sending in today’s report from Panama City, Florida. It seems bozo John Jarrell was charged with trespassing and, when he appeared in court, he gave the clerk $400 in cash to pay the fine. The sharp eyed clerk noticed something was amiss, as several of the bills had the exact same serial number. Deputies were called and, after it was determined that the bills were indeed counterfeit, our bozo was placed under arrest.

Yet Another Bozo Selfie Leads to Arrest

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mannie Steglich for sending in today’s report from San Antonio, Texas, where being a Peeping Tom has apparently gone high tech. One of the female employees of a company that shall remain unnamed was using the toilet when she heard something beep. Not exactly what you want to hear when using the facilities. She took a look and discovered an electronic device taped to the shelf of a storage locker located directly in front of the toilet. The cops were called and discovered that the device was periodically taking pictures of employees using the toilet. And one of those pictures stored on the camera was of the bozo who installed the camera, an employee of the company. And if that wasn’t bad enough news, he was also wearing his name tag when the picture was taken. He’s busted!

Really, Officer, This One Is Just a Spare

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Key West, Florida. Bozo Michelle Stanford had what appeared to be a nice situation there, enjoying life and living on a houseboat. But things were not what they seemed. 18 years ago our bozo had been convicted of payroll fraud in Kansas City and had skipped town, eventually turning up under an assumed name in Key West. Things were going smoothly untlil someone tipped the Secret Service about her real identity. When detectives showed up and began questioning her, she seemed a little nervous, so they asked her to produce her birth certificate. She dug around in some papers and pulled out a fake birth certificate with her new name. Unfortunately, when she pulled out the fake certificate, her real birth certificate and social security card fell to the floor. Oops. She’s busted!

But I Just Looked So Good In the Mask

Bozo criminal for today comes from Corbin, Kentucky, where bozo Kevin Landry had big plans to rob a store. He was so proud of himself that the took a moment before beginning to take a selfie of himself wearing his white burglar’s mask. He then proceeded to ransack the store, with surveillance cameras showing him gathering up rifles, handguns, knives, cigarettes, chewing tobacco and food items. The cops worked several leads which led to them questioning our bozo in connection with the robbery. But since he had worn gloves and his face was covered by the white mask, the cops didn’t have much to go on. That is, until one of the officers asked if he could take a look at that cell phone. Our bozo handed it over, and, sure enough, there was the selfie of him wearing the mask. Busted!

Let Me Take a Selfie

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo drug dealer Taylor Horton was quite proud of his exploits. So proud, in fact, that he posted several pictures of himself on Facebook showing him dealing drugs within sight of police officers. What he didn’t realize was that the third shot he posted was of him selling drugs to an undercover officer. Oops. The cops returned the favor and posted his booking photo on their Facebook page.

Merci Bozo

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in today’s report from the International File In Montreal, Canada. Our bozo couple made up an elaborate plan to fake a home robbery to collect insurance money. And they planned it pretty well, too, hiding the valuables, smashing some jewelry and even planting fake footprints of the “thieves.” Everything thing was going well, the cops were called and the woman, acting distraught, was explaining how she had “lost everything” when her cell phone rang. Her father was on the other line, and the woman began calmly speaking to him in French. And they weren’t just exchanging pleasentries. She was explaining, in detail, exactly what was going on. One thing our bozos failed to think of. Since this was Canada, there was a pretty good chance the cop would be bi-lengual. Which he was. He toot 10 pages of notes while listening to her “confession” before placing her under arrest.

Did She Stick Out Her Tongue, Too?

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule #999987: What’s good for Miley isn’t necessarily good for bozos. From Beaverton, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Coura Ramirez who went to municipal court to pay a fine. As she was leaving, she decided to celebrate with one of her friends by twerking in front of the court’s windows. Another friend recorded the whole thing on her cell phone. Apparently things got a bit out of hand, with court employees making claims of indecent exposure and the photgrapher taking a break to relieve herself between parked cars. The women left the scene, but were stopped by the cops nearby. They now face disorderly conduct charges and, not surprisingly, several drug charges, thanks to a search of the car.

Bozo + Modern Technology = Fail

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bend, Oregon, where there was a robbery at the local bank. Investigating officers were examining the hold-up note when they noticed something interesting. It was written on the back of a grocery receipt, and on that receipt were the last four digits of a food stamp account and the account balance. Officers were able to use that information to obtain a name linked to the account number and an online search of the name led them to a transaction at a local pawn shop, in which our bozo gave his telephone number. The determined cops then got the GPS coordinates of the phone from the local service adviser. DNA evidence collected from our bozo matched that of a stocking cap that was knocked off at the scene. Busted! To his credit, our bozo denies the charges, saying he never saves receipts and that a hitchhiker must have stolen the cap. Right.

Maybe In This Case a Phone Call Would Have Been Better

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Salzburg, Austria, where our unidentified bozo had heard some nasty rumors. So he decided to head down to the local police station to try to either confirm or have those rumors denied. He walked up to the front desk and told the officer that he just wanted to check to find out if they had “nothing on him.” The cops checked their records and found out that, indeed, he was a wanted man, with a warrant out for his arrest on four counts of fraud and embezzlement. Oops. He was taken into custody.

His Mama Always Taught Him To Share

Bozo criminal for today comes from Dunwoody, Georgia, where bozo Damon Ellis was involved in a fender bender with a police patrol car. When the officer approached and asked for our bozo’s drivers license, he reached down and instead handed the officer…a beer. Oops. He’s been charged with eight offenses, including DUI and reckless driving.

Glazed and Confused

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Kelly for sending in today’s report from Fort Walton Beach, Florida, which proves that while the cops take all thefts seriously, they take donut thefts VERY seriously. It seems Bozo Edward Hogan was visiting the local Wal-Mart when he spotted a particularly tasty looking donut in the display case. He picked it up and headed back to the sporting goods department, where he looked at a laser sight before heading to the garden department, donut still in hand. He then exited the store through the plant section where he was confronted by security officers. He refused to give back the donut and when he became aggressive, the cops were called. He’s been charged with resisting arrest and theft. No word on what happened to the donut.

Guess They Don’t Have Tipsy Taxi in Australia

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glenn Winkey for sending in our Bozo for today from the International File in New South Wales, Australia, where the cops stopped a car containing three bozos at a DUI checkpoint. After administering a breathalyzer, the cops hauled the driver off to jail for DUI. No problem, one of the other bozos slid over into the drivers seat and they continued on their way. But not for very far, as the cops pulled them over again, and again the driver failed the test and was hauled off to jail. That leaves us only one bozo in the car…and what does he do? He gets behind the wheel and drives off, of course. As you might have guessed, the cops pulled him over, and yep, he failed, too. One little, two little, three little bozos, all in jail.

Send It To the Depths

We try to remain impartial here on the Bozo Criminal Report, but today we make an exception. Our bozo for today deserves the most severe punishment possible. From the International File in Strood, England, comes the story of bozo Gareth Doosey. The police were called to his residence after numerous complaints of disturbing the peace were received from his neighbors. Upon arrival, the cops explained his offense and confiscated his 3D TV and his speakers. And what exactly was the grievous crime? It seems our bozo liked to play Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” at maximum volume, over and over. Case closed. The cops say he can get his stuff back if there are no further complains after 28 days.