Hey, Cops Like Pizza, Right?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Gambell, Alaska, where police officers were investigating a report of a theft of five cases of frozen pizza, valued at more than $1100. They had no leads until bozos John Koonce and Lewis Olsen reached out to them. And no, they didn’t call with a tip, at least not intentionally. Our bozos contacted the cops with an offer. They had a large number of pizzas that they wanted to sell to the police department. Bad idea. They’ve been charged with second degree burglary and theft.

But It Looked Like It Would Be Easy To Drive

Bozo criminal for today from Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, violated Bozo Rule Number 22982: Before stealing a piece of heavy equipment, at least be sure you know how to drive it. Police were called after reports of a drunken man driving a 178,000 pound excavator erratically. The cops arrived and attempted to apprehend him, but because of the size of the excavator could only stay out of his way and watch as he wrecked havoc. He rammed numerous trees, several power poles and the support beam of a highway before crashing through a fence and driving into a canal. While he was too drunk to drive, he wasn’t too drunk to swim to safety as the big unit sank. He’s been charged with auto theft, obstruction of a highway, aggravated and simple criminal damage, resisting arrest and DUI.

But I Hid It Where the Sun Don’t Shine

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from Ormond Beach, Florida, where the cops responded to a report of a man shining a laser light into the eyes of oncoming drivers. The officers pulled over a car driven by an unidentified female and when they asked her why she had been stopped, she replied, “Because Jesse was shining the laser light at people and I told him not to.” Sometimes the truth hurts. Bozo Jesse Raines, who was sitting in the passengers seat, was placed under arrest. But things just got worse from there. When he was taken to the station house, a baggie of marijuana fell from his rectum. Oops. He’s been charged with drug possession and pointing a laser light at a driver.

The Tale of the Tots

Bozo criminal for today was tripped up by his taste for tots. From Petaluma, California, comes the story of bozo Richard Keller who broke into a residence and, after rummaging around, found a package of tater tots in the freezer. He heated them up in the microwave and, after such a tasty meal, decided to lie down on the sofa and take a little nap. Must have been some really filling tots as he was still asleep when the homeowner came downstairs the following morning. She called the cops and our bozo was quickly apprehended.

Look, It’s the Good Humor Man…

There are a couple of bozos in today’s report from Oakland Park, Florida, but only one is an actual criminal, the other is just a sound sleeper. A reallly sound sleeper. Bozo Dennis Nalls drove up to a convenience store to find the clerk fast asleep. He had intended to grab a Good Humor ice cream from the store’s freezer, but soon developed another plan. Surveillance cameras show him working for a full 15 minutes to drag the whole freezer full of the stuff through the store and out the door, past the still sleeping clerk. He did get away with his ice cream but didn’t get very far, since a Good Humor freezer is pretty hard to hide. He’s under arrest. No word on the fate of the clerk.

But I Tipped Everyone At Least a Quarter!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Pahokee, Florida, where bozo Michael Lawrence was tossed out of a strip club at four o’clock in the morning. So he went home to sleep it off, right? Nope. Maybe headed to another club? Nah. Called 911 to complain that he had been thrown out? And made six 911 calls in a 41 minute period? Yep. He was disappointed to learn that, after listening to his side of the story, the cops agreed with the club’s right to to eject him. He’s been charged with abuse of 911.

Definitely Justifiable Homicide

A special thanks to our friends at the Smoking Gun for providing the details in today’s report from Colorado Springs, Colorado. It seems our bozo had been in a domestic dispute with a loved one and finally had all he could take of her unresponsiveness, inactivity and refusal to perform. So, he pulled out a gun, took her into a back alley, and filled her full of lead, firing eight shots into her, which led to her untimely demise. Someone nearby heard the shots and called 911. The police arrived and found the lifeless body. Or more accurately, the lifeless metal box. The victim was his dead Dell computer who had given the man the blue screen of death one time too many. He’s been charged with unlawful discharge of a firearm. The deceased is survived by a monitor and a keyboard.

Next Time Get Him a Decaf

Our bozo for today was not charged with a crime so technically she’s not a criminal but the story deserves mention anyway. Police investigators say bozo Andi Hayes crashed her car into a guard rail in South Union Township, Pennsylvania. The cops noticed their was a parrot in the car along with bird seed in the cup holder next to a coffee cup. In discussing the accident, she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the police the bird wasn’t satisfied with his seed and was trying to drink the coffee in the cup. She claimed the birds actions distracted her and caused the crash. She was not charged and was treated for a broken arm and released. The bird suffered no injuries.

But All the Other Lots Were Full…

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Augusta, Maine, where our bozo was found to be in violation of Bozo Rule Number 98046: When there’s a warrant out for your arrest, it’s best to not go looking for a parking space in the police headquarters parking lot. But that’s exactly what happened to bozo David McIntyre, who was wanted after he failed to report to jail for a 10-month probation violation sentence. His troubles really began when, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he pulled into the parking lot of Maine State Police headquarters and almost crashed into a police cruiser, complete with officers inside. Oops. A quick check of his license revealed the warrant out for him. He’s had 16 more months added to the original 10 month sentence.

Another Reason Why You Should Always Stick With Your First Choice

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, where bozo Pedro Duron walked into a liquor store, took a look around, picked up a bottle of Gentleman Jack whiskey and put it back down before approaching the clerk. He flashed a gun at the emplpoyee and demanded cash, getting away with $82. On his way out he picked up another, larger bottle of whiskey and fled. He should have hung on to the original bottle. Police were able to lift his prints off the bottle he left behind, which led to his identification and eventual arrest.

It All Started With a Brisket

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Antonio, Texas, where bozo Alan Martin walked into Augie’s Barbed Wire Smokehouse and stole a BBQ brisket. He fled the scene in a stolen truck, but the cops quickly caught up with him and gave chase. Somehow, he was able to lose them, but they encountered him again a short time later when he set a house on fire. No word on why he set the house ablaze but we can only assume he was trying to warm up the brisket. From there, he proceeded to steal a Corvette at gunpoint and led the cops on another chase, which ended when he collided with a Mustang. He then jumped out of the car and was apprehended as he attempted to swallow a package of heroin. He’s been charged with too many offenses to count.

What a Croc

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairbanks, Alaska, where a downtown building had suffered a series of break-ins. The building’s owner was able to supply surveillance footage showing the intruder to the cops, who posted it on their Facebook page. This led a number of tipsters to identify the thief as bozo Roland Grier. When he was called in by the cops, he wore his most comfy shoes, a pair of Crocs. What he didn’t realize was that he had left tread marks of those Crocs at the scene. When the cops were able to match the tread impressions with the shoes our bozo was wearing he was placed under arrest.

The Beagle Boys Gang Strikes Again!

Bozo criminal for today took a page right out of Scrooge McDuck’s handbook. Bozo David Langston walked into a Subway restaurant with a red bandanna over his face and told the clerk not to do anything funny and to hand over her cash and cellphone. Sounds like a pretty clean robbery, right? Wrong. There was one item we forgot to mention that was tied to the waistband of his pants. A canvas bag with a large dollar sign drawn on it. The cops noticed him not far away, pushing a shopping cart with the bag still dangling from his pants. He’s been placed under arrest.

This Didn’t Work Out Too Well For Winnie the Pooh, Either

Our bozos for today aren’t criminals, but they are thieves who may have learned their lesson the hard way. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Pasco County, Florida, where our three bozos came upon a huge beehive in a tree. Thinking the honey looked too good to pass up, they attempted to steal it. As you might expect, the 30,000 bees in the hive were going to defend their territory. It wasn’t long before our bozos were overwhelmed by the bees and 911 was called. When the cops and firefighters arrived they found our bozos covered in bees, in their beards, in their hair, in their clothes. A good shot with a fire hose removed most of them. Our bozos will recover after being treated at a nearby hospital. In the future, they should consider purchasing their honey at the grocery store.

Or Should That Be Turd Degree Burglary?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Des Moines, Iowa, where the police were called to a residence by a man who reported that a bag had been stolen from his pickup truck. He told the cops that someone broke into the driver’s side door of the vehicle and removed the bag before making his getaway. And, what exactly were the contents of the bag? He explained that the bag was full of dog poop. Hope he had one of those pine tree air fresheners in the truck. The cops put a value of $1 on the poop and our bozo, if caught, will be charged with third degree burglary.

Is That a Cylinder of Heroin In Your Pants Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

Bozo criminal for today comes from JFK International Airport in New York City, where customs officers noticed something strange about bozo Ivan Ramiro. It was that unusual bulge in the crotch of his pants that attracted attention. After conducting a full body search, they found the source of the bulge. Two cylinders containing heroin valued at $61,000. He’s busted!

And He Just Thought He Felt Bad Before

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Changsha, China where an unidentified man was hospitalized with injuries from a traffic accident. When he was well enough to receive visitors, he had 17 of them. All of them claiming to be his girlfriend and none of them aware of the other. Yikes. After the girls began talking, they discovered that each of them had been financially supporting our bozo for years. He’s now facing fraud charges.

Actually, He Should Have Said “May I”

We can say a lot of things about our bozo for today from San Antonio, Texas, but the one thing we have to admit, at least his mama taught him SOME manners. Our bozo pulled up to a house, walked up to a contractor working there, raised his shirt to show a gun in his belt and politely asked, “Can I rob this house?” The contractor, who was working on the house next door, replied, “It’s not my house.” Our bozo then went inside and was seen a short time later carrying out a microwave and placing it into his car. What he didn’t realize was that the contractor snapped a picture of his car as he was driving away. The cops used the license plate number to track down and arrest our bozo.

The Bozo Doesn’t Nap Far From the Tree

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 346667: Take a nap before the heist, not after. Police in Houston, Texas, received a 2 a.m. call from the owner of a jewelry store who said a burglar alarm had been tripped, and he had video footage showing an intruder. Upon arrival, the cops noticed two things. Number One: The store had indeed been broken into. Number two: A bozo was asleep under a banana tree out front. Inside the backpack he was using as a pillow were three laptops he had taken from the store. Busted!

Road Trip!!!

Bozo criminals for today come from the Internal Affairs Division in the International File in Jharkhand, India. Four police officers were assigned the job of transporting a convicted murderer to a hospital for a checkup. The officers then hatched a plan for a little diversion. They took a 128 mile detour to visit the red light district in the town of Asansol. The plan was to have a little fun and then take the prisoner to the hospital. But, as luck would have it, at the very time they were partaking of the pleasures of the red light district, local police raided the place. In all the confusion, the convicted murderer managed to escape, but instead of fleeing, he made his way back to the jail. The four officers were suspended until further notice.