Next Time Try Vaseline

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bradford, Pennsylvania, where police were called to a residence with a report of a shooting. When they arrived, they found bozo Alffed Marshall bleeding from a severe wound to his left hand. It was when they asked him what happened, that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told them he wanted to get rid of his wedding ring and decided to shoot it off. He didn’t succeed. While the finger was nearly severed, the ring was still attached. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct and reckless endangerment.

“Get Twinkies” Would Have Been on the List, But…

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 008854: While making a list and sticking to it may be a good plan for some, it’s not always the best idea for bozos. From Weymouth, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Evan Drake who had his day pretty well planned out. His first order of business was to break into a residence. And that’s as far as he got as the cops noticed the suspicious activity and caught him inside stealing items from a UPS package. It was while they were questioning him that they discovered his “Goals for Friday” list which included: 1. Find crystal meth; 2. Get a gold watch; 3. Rob a dealer; 4. Sell the stolen drugs; 5. Get some cocaine; 6. Do one kind thing for a stranger. While the police appreciated item number 6, he was still placed under arrest and charge with breaking and entering.

Smoke ’em If You Got ’em, But Roll ’em at Home

Bozo criminal for today comers from Sparta, New Jersey, where bozo Christopher Brown was stopped at a red light and got a sudden urge to roll a marijuana blunt. He was hard at work stuffing the pot into a cigar and apparently didn’t notice the car next to him was a police car. The cops definitely noticed what he was doing. He was pulled over and busted.

Guess the Old Mirrors on His Shoes Trick Just Wasn’t Working Anymore

Bozo criminal for today comes form Sherman Oaks, California, where our unidentified bozo had a perverted hobby. He liked to take “upskirt” videos where he peered up women’s skirts with his camera. Now, you might think he would try to use the smallest camera possible to try to accomplish this task. But, being a bozo, he decided to use the largest one he could get his hands on. He tried to use an iPad. Needless to say, he attracted quite a bit of attention in the pet shop in which he worked when he stopped to “pet” a customer’s dog and simultaneously tried to position his iPad on the floor to shoot up her skirt. He’s busted!

So That’s the “Something” About An Aqua Velva Man

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salisbury, North Carolina, where bozo Dustin Slater was stopped by the cops at a traffic checkpoint. One of the officers noticed an overwhelming smell of freshly sprayed cologne coming from the car. And since our bozo didn’t look like a guy who would ordinarily wear that much cologne, he got a little suspicious. And with good reason. Upon further inspection, it was discovered that our bozo had apparently spritzed himself and the whole car to cover up the smell of marijuana that he had in his possession. He’s busted!

Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrence, Indiana, where the cops pulled bozo Eric Watson over after they noticed him speeding. The officer detected the smell of marijuana coming from the car and when he asked our bozo about it, he denied having any. The cop decided to take a look anyway and, sure enough, found marijuana wrapped in brown cigar paper in the center console of the car. Our bozo continued to deny knowing the pot was there, even going so far as to say he would have smoked it if he had known it was there. He’s busted.

Maybe She Should Have Checked Online

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Pete Carran for sending in today’s report from Ketchikan, Alaska, where bozo Samantha Ferguson dropped by the Alaska State Trooper’s post to ask for a criminal background check. She got it, but she may not have wanted it. The check revealed an outstanding $100 arrest warrant on her. She was arrested on the spot.

I Knew I Should Have Just Stolen the Pickax!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Metairie, Louisiana, where bozo Scott Rogers had big plans. He broke into a pharmacy, using a pickax to punch a hole in a cinderblock wall in the back. He then grabbed a bunch of drugs and made his getaway. Looks like he came up with a perfect plan. Except for one small thing. Remember that pickax? He left it behind at the scene of the crime. And it was a brand spanking new pickax, with the barcode price tag still attached. Police were able to track the pickax through the barcode to a nearby home improvement store where security cameras caught our bozo purchasing the item and got a nice shot of the license tag on his car as he drove away. He’s busted!

And Mom Always Liked My Brother Best, Too!

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where bozo Gary Pope was upset that his new cell phone wasn’t working. Apparently it was a new model and wouldn’t dial anything but 911 until it was activated. So, he got it activated, right? Wrong. Instead, he dialed 911 to complain that it was out of order. Twice. And on the third time he decided to add one more complaint…that his drug dealer was mad at him. That did it. After being warned by the cops after the first two calls, he was placed under arrest after the third one.

Hope He Also Printed a Get Out of Jail Free Card

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lake Hallie, Wisconsin where bozo Jarad Clark decided to take advantage of Walmart’s liberal return policy and bring back a printer that wasn’t working properly. Sounds like a pretty normal situation except for a couple of things. First he didn’t have a proof of purchase. And second, there seemed to be some paper lodged inside the machine. That second problem turned out to be a big one. On that stuck sheet of paper were the images of counterfeit $100 bills. Thinking he had tried to use the printer to make phony money, employees called the cops and they arrived while our bozo was still arguing that he deserved an immediate refund. When he refused to talk to the officers and resisted arrest, the cops frisked him and found him to be carrying three additional fake $100 bills. He’s under arrest for attempted theft by fraud, forgery and resisting arrest.

Put Down the Lollipops, You’re Under Arrest

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where an unidentified bozo walked into a Chase Bank branch in the Garment District and handed the teller a note reading, “I have a bomb. Give me some money now.” The unflappable teller told our bozo that she didn’t read notes and instructed him to fill our a withdrawal slip instead. Our bozo complied, writing the same message on the slip. The teller then told him he would have to swipe his bank card while telling a colleague in Spanish that she was being robbed. Becoming frustrated, our bozo said, “Ma’am, I ain’t got no time for this!” He then grabbed a fistful of lolllipops and ran out of the bank where he was quickly apprehended by the cops.

Is That 44 Phones in Your Pants or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Manchester, England, where a number of patrons at a club complained to management that their cell phones had been stolen. The police arrived and quickly discovered the problem. A bozo with what appeared to be a very “full” pair of pants. It would seem that our bozo had stolen 44 cellphones during the course of the evening and had stuffed them into his bicycle shorts, which he was wearing underneath his clothing. He’s busted!

Not Such “Nice Dreams”

Bozo criminals for today come from Alameda, Texas, where police officers noticed a bright purple ice cream truck with a broken windshield and an expired registration. Upon being pulled over, the two bozos inside jumped out and attempted to flee, carrying two large tupperware containers. After the cops caught up with them, they discovered the containers contained not ice cream, but marijuana. The Cheech and Chong wannabees were busted!

Don’t Mess With Mother Nature…Or Nosy Neighbors

Bozo criminals for today come from Windham, New Hampshire, where a 64-year-old woman noticed activity at the home next door, which had only recently been sold. So, she decided to venture out in the cold weather to greet her new neighbors. But the folks in the house were anything but neighborly, and, after noticing evidence of a break-in, the woman grabbed a broom and chased our would-be bozos thieves out of the house. They jumped in their getaway car and sped out of the driveway, running directly into a snowbank where they immediately became stuck. They were still trying to dig the car out when the police arrived.

If She Had Only Ordered Tea

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catherine Herrod for sending in today’s report from Lakewood, Colorado where an unidentified bozo walked into an Applebee’s and ordered a drink. The waitress asked for an ID and our bozo presented a drivers license. Unfortunately, it wasn’t her license. And even more unfortunately the ID she presented had been stolen…from the waitress taking the order. Apparently our bozo didn’t even notice the picture on the ID was, shall we say, familiar. The waitress didn’t say anything but went straight to the phone and called the cops. Busted!

Guess the “Big Wheel” Wasn’t Available

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jonesboro, Arkansas, where bozo Jamie Carlson was driving her Grand Am at a high rate of speed when she lost control and crashed into a trailer home. Fortunately, no one was injured in the accident, but our bozo wasn’t sticking around until the cops arrived. Instead, she grabbed the nearest vehicle and sped away. Well, she didn’t exactly speed…her getaway vehicle of choice was the homeowner’s son’s Power Wheels battery-powered toy truck. Not surprisingly, she didn’t get far before the cops caught up with her. She’s been charged with DUI, disorderly conduct, leaving the scene of an accident with property damage and driving with a suspended license.

It’s Spring, and a Bozo’s Thoughts Turn to Love

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eastlake, Ohio, where police were called to a report of a disturbance at a tobacco store and even the cops were surprised by what they found. Inside the store was our highly intoxicated bozo who was carrying on a rather one-sided discussion with a bag of tobacco. Witnesses said before he began talking to the tobacco he had tried to engage a bottle of vodka in a discussion. Drunken bozo was taken to jail, where, a few minutes after his arrival, he professed his love for the urinal. He’s been charged with disorderly conduct and intoxication.

Why Do Drug Dealers Always Have 911 on Speed Dial?

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Clackamas County, Oregon. An emergency dispatcher received a 911 call, and, hearing what sounded like a drug deal in progress, sent cops to an alley about a block away from the police department. The cops arrived and found two people sitting in a car, but they both denied having a working cell phone. However, when the cop loudly asked the question again the dispatcher confirmed she could hear the conversation. Yep, they had butt dialed 911. After a quick check of the car turned up methamphetamine our bozos were busted.

This Is What Happens When You Forget Valentine’s Day

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York, City, where police were called to a report of a kidnapping. They found Bozo Raymond Poe between two cars on a street in Brooklyn, his hands, legs and mouth covered with duct tape. He was also complaining of pain in his ribs. He told the cops he had been kidnapped by two men in a blue minivan on February 19th, and was held captive for two weeks. Upon further questioning, however, his story began to unravel and he finally confessed to the cops that he had made up the whole story because he had been avoiding his girlfriend for a couple of weeks and was terrified of facing her. He’s now facing charges for filing a false report.

Honest, Someone Stole My Crowbar

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lauderdale Lakes, Florida, where bozo Nathaniel Lucas, wearing a skullcap and carrying a crowbar, burst into an apartment. The quick thinking homeowner sprayed our bozo in the face with some Windex he had nearby, causing our bozo to drop his crowbar and flee, losing his cap in the process. Now, the logical thing for a thief to do would be to go home and lay low for a while, right? Wrong. The bozo thing to do is to try to cover your tracks by calling 911 to report that your crowbar and skullcap had been stolen. The cops weren’t believing this story for a minute. Our bozo quickly saw the error of his ways and confessed. He’s under arrest.