September 29, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jeanette Keith for contributing today’s report. From Berwick, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozos Brian Roper and Michael Green who borrowed a car from a friend to use as their getaway vehicle in a planned burglary. Our bozos parked the car near the house, went inside and proceeded to collect a computer, a couple of guns, and some cash, about $2500 worth of stuff total. When they went back outside, our bozos were dismayed to find their car gone. They had parked in a no-parking zone and a neighbor had called and had it towed away. Now, here’s where our already dumb bozos got even stupider. They contacted the man who did the towing and offered to give him a stolen rifle in exchange for their car. And, by the way, our bozos told him, they had access to lots more stolen stuff. The tow truck operator accepted their offer and promptly called the cops, who arrested our bozos.

September 28, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Stebbins for sending in today’s report from the International File. In Rio De Janerio, Brazil bozo Jose Rocha hopped on board a packed bus and robbed the passengers of about $800. He then jumped off…right in front of 410 police gathered on the city square for an official ceremony with the Rio governor. The commanding general of the military police himself abandoned the podium and with a little help from his fellow officers quickly apprehended our bozo.

September 27, 2000

With the Olympics in Sydney in full swing, we thought we would bring back this bozo story from last summer that involved one of the top U.S. athletes at the games. From Seville, Spain comes the story of a bozo who was cruising the Seville airport when he grabbed the carry on bag from a man who had just arrived. Our bozo made a quick dash for the exit and much to his surprise the man took off after him. And he was gaining on him, quick. In fact he caught up with the bozo before he could even make it to the door. You see, our unfortunate bozo had picked out the plane of arriving U.S. athletes who were in town for the world championships. And the guy whose bag he grabbed and tried to outrun was none other than the world’s fastest man and new gold medalist Maurice Greene.

September 26, 2000

In honor of the Olympics, we’ve gone into the Bozo Athletes Division for today’s report. From Berlin, Germany comes the story of several bozo participants in the Berlin Marathon. These bozos decided that the easiest way for them to finish near the top of the marathon was to take the subway for part of the race. They would just hop aboard, ride part of the way and then get back into the race not far from the finish. The plan would have worked fine, except for those computer gizmos that each contestant was given at the start of the race. The gadgets let race authorities keep track of the runners’ times and locations. Thirty three bozo runners were busted.

September 25, 2000

From Longview, Texas comes the story of a couple of bozos who got what they wanted and then didn’t know what to do with it. It seems our bozos broke into a convenience store on Bill Owens Parkway, grabbed an ATM machine and hauled it out. Part one of their plan worked just fine. It was part two that caused all the trouble. Our bozo’s getaway car was a Ford Tempo and was too small to fit the ATM into the seat or trunk. So, our bozos hoisted the ATM onto the roof of their car and slowly crept away. You would expect that a car with an ATM on top would attract some attention, which it did. Cops followed the bozos for a short distance until they made a sharp turn and the ATM toppled from the roof onto the roadway.

September 22, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Al Thompson for today’s report. We all know that curiousity killed the cat. Well, it didn’t do our bozo any good, either. From Topeka, Kansas comes the story of bozo Vaughn Smalls. Our bozo and a buddy had set up a little counterfeiting operation in a local motel room and were hard at work one evening printing up bills on their computer when bozo Vaughn noticed the police cruising around the parking lot. Now, if you’re a bozo and you’re doing something illegal in your motel room and you notice the police outside, what do you do? You walk outside, leave the door to the room wide open, call the police over and ask them what they are doing. And that’s just what our bozo did. The cops noticed all the printing equipment and got suspicious. While checking out the room, the cops also found some illegal drugs and discovered that our bozo’s car was stolen. He’s been arrested.

September 21, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Jurisprudence Division. From Mount Clemens, Michigan comes the story of bozo attorney Robert Shafer who had been warned by the judge that cell phones were not allowed in his court. Not only did our bozo attorney ignore the judge’s warning and bring his cell phone into the courtroom, but during cross examination of a witness the phone rang. And the bozo stopped his questioning to answer it. The judge blew his stack and ordered the bailiff to arrest the bozo attorney.

September 20, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Slidell, Louisiana where bozo Darryl Evans called the 911 operator and told her he needed help from the police in getting his mother to cook him a pork chop dinner. When the operator told him 911 was for emergencies only, he told her that this was an emergency and that he really wanted that pork chop dinner. The operator again politely tried to get off the line, but our bozo just wouldn’t shut up. Finally, when he became abusive, the operator sent the cops to his home. He was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. Maybe they’re serving pork chops in jail this week.

September 19, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baker, Louisiana where bozo James Waymire spotted a man pulling into a service station. The driver, noticing that the station was closed, was preparing to pull away when our bozo pointed a gun at him and ordered him to get out of the car. The driver complied, and as he got out, our bozo hopped in and pulled away. He got only a short distance down the road before he discovered the reason the driver had pulled into the service station in the first place…the car was out of gas. As the car sputtered and stalled, the driver called the cops on his cell phone.

September 18, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lynchburg, Virginia where bozo T’Chaka Thompson violated Bozo Rule Number 0987:Always wear the right clothes for the job. Our bozo was dealing crack on a street corner when he was spotted by a undercover cop who gave chase. Our bozo was nattily attired in low riding, very baggy pants and as he was being chased by the officer his pants were heading in the other direction, if you know what I mean. Finally, they fell to his knees, causing him to trip and break his arm. He was quickly arrested.

September 15, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee where bozo Allen Glazier was caught driving a stolen Greyhound bus. Our bozo stole his first bus in Kansas, drove it to Jackson, Mississippi where he stole another bus, drove it to Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where he stole yet another bus and headed to Memphis. Maybe he’d just stolen a new bus each time he ran low on gas, but for whatever reason his troubles began when he stopped to gas up. After filling the tank, he told the attendant to "Bill it to Greyhound." While our bozo was waiting for his reciept, the cops were called.

September 14, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Neal Tooni for sending in today’s report. From Milford, Connecticut comes the story of bozo George Grant who walked into a jewelry store, snatched a tray of jewelry and ran. The police were called and, after getting a description of the suspect, went outside the store to look for clues. And that’s when our bozo walked right up to one of the officers and asked him if he knew the way to the bus stop. They gave him directions, all right, directly to jail.

September 13, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michelle Burchfield-Campbell who contributed today’s report. From Noblesville, Indiana comes the story of bozo Robert Perry who is no doubt thinking, "With friends like these, who needs enemies?" Our bozo received a call from a man identifying himself as a member of the sheriff’s department. The man told our bozo that officers had seen an eight foot tall marijuana plant growing in his back yard and if he would bring the plant into the sheriff’s department, no charges would be filed. Following instructions, our bozo uprooted the plant, stuffed it into a plastic bag and headed to the sheriff’s office. One big problem…the call was a prank. When our bozo arrived at the police station with a giant marijuana plant in a trash bag, officers were only too happy to arrest him.

September 12, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri where bozo Lawrence Kimbrough was a night clerk at a convenience store. It was while working the late shift that he hatched his plan (and from the looks of it he must have been half asleep when he came up with it). He put tape over the lenses of the store’s security cameras, took the money from the cash registers, stashed it in a trash bin behind the store and called the cops. When they arrived he told them that an armed robber had taped over the security cameras and robbed him at gunpoint. Investigating officers quickly figured out that our bozo was lying. He had placed tape over the lenses of the cameras, but unfortunately he used transparent tape. Everything he did was caught on video.

September 11, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Blaine, Washington where bozo James Barker made his first mistake when he accepted a job from a marijuana farmer to haul off 38 bags full of marijuana leaves, stems and potting soil. Instead of hauling the stuff to the dump about six miles away from the farm, our bozo made a wrong turn and headed toward the US/Canadian border. That’s mistake two. He then got himself into the express lane for frequent border crossers, where vehicles without a special sticker are automatically pulled over for inspections. And that’s strike three as the agents searched our bozo’s truck and found the dope. Do you think maybe he smoked a little of the "trash" before he headed to the dump?

September 08, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Inman, South Carolina where bozo Donald Monroe held up the CCB bank. Our bozo forgot to bring along a sack or anything to put his loot in, so he was forced to stuff the cash into his pants pockets as he fled. The result was that the bills periodically fell out as he ran down the street and the faster he ran the more they fell out. Every few minutes the police would get a call from a resident to report a crazy man running down the street with cash falling from his pants. The police simply followed the green trail and our bozo was arrested.

September 07, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut where bozo Dean Sims stole a $500 air compressor from a local hospital. As our bozo was making his getaway, he ran a red light and smashed into another car, suffering lacerations and other minor injuries. The insult to injury came when he was taken for treatment back to the same hospital he had ripped off. Just as the cops arrived to investigate his theft.

September 06, 2000

Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that when you’re living under Mom and Dad’s roof, you’ve gotta abide by Mom and Dad’s rules. From Denver Colorado comes the story of 19 year old bozo David Abrams who held up a video store. The day after the crime a picture of our bozo taken by the store’s surveillance camera ended up in the Denver Post. Our bozo’s parents were so shocked by the photo that they marched upstairs to our bozo’s bedroom, woke him up and demanded that he turn himself in. Knowing better than to argue with his parents, he did just that. In the process he offered the Bozo Excuse of the Week, "I’m just drunk and stupid."

September 05, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee, Wisconsin where bozo Mark Alexander was accused of stealing a bright red Mercedes Benz. After being charged our bozo came before the judge where he presented him with a rather unique plan for making bail. Could he use the allegedly stolen car as collateral? No. He’s still in jail.

September 04, 2000

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas where bozo Kerri Goode robbed a branch of the Texas Commerce Bank. She got away cleanly but was stopped a short time later for speeding. After asking our bozo for her drivers license and registration, the officer noticed a bank envelope with a large amount of cash sticking out of it lying on the front seat of the car. When he asked our bozo about it, she replied, "It’s mine. I just robbed a bank." Needless to say, she was quickly arrested.