Add One More To the Naughty List

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Roanne, France, where an unidentified 20-year-old bozo spotted a bunch of wrapped Christmas presents in an unlocked car on Christmas Eve. Not being able to resist, he crawled inside the car and grabbed the gifts, making a clean getaway. Well, almost. It seems he dropped his cellphone while inside the car, and, not wanting to lose it, he went to the police station to report it as missing. As luck would have it, his victims were at the police station at that very moment reporting the theft and handing the cellphone over to investigators. Oops. He was busted and the stolen gifts were returned to the family in time for a Merry Christmas.

If He Could Only Have Resisted That Free Gift

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Naperville, Illinois. It seems bozo Jeremiah Brown broke into a car and stole a bank debit card. He then headed straight for the local Kmart and used it to buy a necklace. Noticing that the purchase would give him enough points to claim a free pair of earrings, he presented his Kmart customer rewards card to the cashier to get his credit. The cashier gave our bozo his earrings but noticed that the name on the rewards card did not match the name on the debit card. Oops. Cops were called and our bozo was soon arrested while riding his bicycle in the area.

Do These Guys Get to Hang Four Stockings?

Our bozo criminal for today is definitely going on the “Naughty” list. From Gainesville, Florida, comes the story of bozo Timothy Lang who broke into a home around 3 a.m. and began gathering up wrapped Christmas presents to steal. After picking up 18 packages, the homeowners were awakened by the noise. And that’s when their four legged crime fighters sprang into action. The pooches ran downstairs, barking loudly. Our bozo quickly saw the error of his ways and headed for the door, leaving the presents behind. The cops were called and they used canines of their own to track our bozo to a nearby residence where he was found hiding in the bushes. He’s under arrest.

Well, It’s Not Exactly a Weapon of Mass Destruction, But…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartanburg, South Carolina, where police were called to a home on a report of a domestic disturbance. Upon arrival, the officers were quickly able to sniff out the situation. Literally. The wife reported to the cops that her husband passed gas that was “bad enough to cause her to almost puke.” She took evasive action on the gas attack by spraying vanilla-scented Lysol in the “area” of her husband. The husband’s story was that she sprayed him directly in the face and he retaliated by throwing a plastic water bottle at her. The wife claimed she was actually hit in the back of the head with a glass of tea. Not surprisingly, there are clear cut laws on the books prohibiting such a gas attack. After consulting with a local judge, the officer let both parties off with a stern warning, which hopefully included a ban on beans for the near future.

‘Tis the Season

Bozo criminals for today come from our “Naughty Not Nice” Department in Salem, New Hampshire. Police were called to a report of a brawl in a mall parking garage. Perhaps an attempted robbery? Nope. Not at this time of the year. The cause of the disturbance? A lone parking space. It seems all of the brawlers wanted that parking space for themselves and things went downhill from there. Even though officers tried to remind our bozos that it was the season for giving, none of them was willing to give in on their claim for the parking space. As a result, all six were taken into custody and charged with disorderly conduct. Merry Christmas!

Maybe All the Exercise Loosened Up the Ankle

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Mateo, California, where bozo Mary Anderson has been collecting disability since suffering an ankle injury while working as a school janitor in 2009. She claimed she couldn’t walk and needed crutches to get around. Investigators suspected her of fraud and put her under surveillance, and boy did they get an eyeful. She was caught on videotape throwing her crutches into a car and running in high heels at a public park before having sex with her boyfriend. Oops. She’s pleaded no contest to fraud.

In Memory of the Children

There will be no Bozo Criminal Report today as we honor the memory of the 20 beautiful children that were killed in Newtown, Connecticut. The Bozo Criminal Report will resume tomorrow.

Pretty Sure This Happened to Curly, Too

The Bozo Criminal Report would like to make this point perfectly clear. Our bozo for today is in no way a criminal. But his sheer “bozo-ness” demands that he be included. From the International File in Elblag, Poland comes the story of a bozo who shall mercifully remain unnamed. He was helping his wife around the house, doing a little ironing while drinking a beer and watching boxing on TV. After doing a little ironing and no doubt downing a few beers, the phone rang. Still trying to help out, he told the wife he’d get it. Unfortunately, he was quite caught up in the boxing on TV and instead of grabbing the receiver he picked up the iron and put it to his ear. And to add insult to injury, he struck his head on the doorframe of the bathroom while he was running to pour cool water on his head. He says he’ll continue to help with housework but not while watching boxing on TV.

And the Scary Thing Is, She Went to College!

Bozo criminal for today comes from York, Nebraska, where bozo Hannah Wilson robbed a local bank. But she wasn’t content to just take her cash and keep her mouth shut. Oh, no. Instead, she posted a video of herself on YouTube bragging about it. In the video, she is seen holding up a bundle of cash, which she says is $6256. She also holds up what appears to be a baggie of marijuana. There is a video caption which says, “I just stole a car and robbed a bank. Now I’m rich. I can pay off my college financial aid, and tomorrow I’m going for a shopping spree.” Not surprisingly she was arrested the same day the video was posted.

Well, Maybe I’d Take $250,000, But Not a Penny Less!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Bolivia, North Carolina, where County Sheriff’s Deputies attempted to pull over bozo Jennifer Carson after they noticed her driving erratically. But instead of pulling over, our bozo sped up and led the officers on a chase that lasted 15 minutes and reached speeds of 70 miles per hour in 45 mile per hour zones. During that chase our bozo used her cell phone to dial 911. She told the operator that there was no emergency and that she would pull over for the cops in exchange for $300,000. Needless to say, the 911 operator did not take her up on her offer. The chase finally ended on a dead end street and our bozo was charged with DUI, felony fleeing to avoid arrest, driving with a revoked license, and careless and reckless driving.

At Least He Didn’t Put His Eye Out

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma, where an unidentified 17-year-old bozo walked into a convenience store, pulled a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk took a good, hard look at the weapon and determined that it was, in fact, a BB gun. Realizing his life was not in danger, he told the bozo to forget it and get out of the store. Our bozo repeated his demands for cash several more times, only to receive the same stern rejection each time. Finally, realizing that it was futile, our bozo fled, right? Wrong. Instead he walked to the back of the store where he sat down and waited for the cops to come and arrest him, which they did.

Wonder If He Stole One of Those Little Blue Boxes Too

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Scranton, Pennsylvania, where bozo Donald Adams was in the doghouse with his wife and thought a nice piece of jewelry might be just the ticket to get out. But, being a bozo, it was his approach to acquiring that jewelry that caused all the problems. On Thanksgiving, he dropped by his ex-girlfriend’s home to drop off a check and while there allegedly snatched her engagement ring. He then presented the ring to his wife as a present to patch up the relationship. Which might have worked out out except several guests at the Thanksgiving dinner reported seeing our bozo palm the ring before he left. He’s been charged with theft.

Better Than Any Burglar Alarm

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from Springtown, Texas, where our unfortunate bozo picked the wrong house to rob. After breaking in, he was confronted by the homeowner and his son, both pointing weapons at him. Quickly seeing the error of his ways, he took refuge in his pickup truck, which was parked out front. Once inside, he did what any bozo would do in a similar situation. He called 911 for help. And that wasn’t the only call they received. At the same time, the homeowner’s wife called, saying, “You better come quick or my husband’s going to shoot him.” Police arrived before any further violence occurred and our bozo was placed under arrest.

What Did He Do, Set a Timer?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Old Orchard Beach, Maine, where our unidentified bozo paid a visit to a local lady of the evening. It seems his visit wasn’t entirely satisfactory. Indeed it was unsatisfactory enough that he called to complain to the cops that she had “shorted him by 10 minutes.” Guess he didn’t realize that both prostitution and partaking of the services of a prostitute are illegal in Maine. H’es been charged with engaging a prostitute.

Another Bozo Plan Falls Apart

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, where our bozo walked into a currency exchange, flashed a gun and demanded money. When the clerk didn’t respond to his demands, he then proceeded to strike her with his weapon. Fortunately for the clerk and unfortunately for our bozo, his weapon was a fake plastic pistol which fell to pieces upon impact. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Those Mules Are Ornery, Officer

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wister, Oklahoma, where bozo Keith Wilson likes to take his covered wagon out for a little ride from time to time. He hitches a couple of mules to it and occasionally treats himself to a little liquid refreshment as well. When police noticed him driving erratically, he allegedly rammed the patrol car with his wagon. It was when officers questioned him about the incident that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He blamed the mules. He said the officers got too close and spooked the critters. Didn’t work. He’s been charged with public intoxication and assault and battery on a patrol car.

Hams, er, Hands Up!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Little Rock, Arkansas, where the cops spotted bozo Robert Lane unloading hams from a refrigerated truck into a 1996 Ford SUV in an empty parking lot. Upon questioning, our bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse that the refrigeration unit in the truck was failing and they were moving the hams to a cold storage facility until the problem could be fixed. Which might have been a good plan except he could provide no paperwork for a bill of loading. He’s busted!