But I Look Sooooo Hot In That Dress!

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Frankfort, Illinois, where bozo Danielle Smith found a nice dress and some jewelry at a local boutique. Unfortunately, she was a little short of cash, so she did what any bozo in need of a new outfit would do…she shoplifted it. So far, so good. But when she got home, she really liked the way she looked in that dress. Really, really liked the way she looked. So she posted a selfie of herself wearing the dress and jewelry on her Facebook page. Bad idea. The word got back to the boutique owner and he alerted the cops. Busted! Charged with theft under $500 and failure to appear in court for an unrelated pre-existing warrant.

A Giant Seal Is the Real Hero Of This Story

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ted Williamson for sending in this story which proves that even “sophisticated” drug smugglers can be bozos. It seems that everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong for this pair, beginning with when they boarded the yacht “Zero” in Madagascar. While in port, Bozo number one used his phone to take pictures of some whales swimming nearby. About an hour later, the same phone apparently “butt recorded” a conversation of our two bozos taking possession of drugs from another vessel. Oops. But that would only be a problem if they got caught, and here’s how that happened. The yacht was shipwrecked on a reef, which led to our bozos loading their drugs on a lifeboat and making their way to a nearby island. A fisherman found the yacht and the police organized a search party. The cops spotted on man “in a colorful shirt” pop up from behind some bushes and, as they approached, two men attempted to flee. And, as fate would have it, they encountered a giant seal who jumped up and bellowed at them. Thinking their odds were better with the cops than with the seal, our bozos surrendered. And did we mention that the drug dealers had dispatched another boat to rescue our stranded bozos? It ran aground also. In total, 380 kilograms of cocaine, close to 345 kilograms of MDMA or ecstasy and 171.2 kilograms of methylamphetamine were seized. Our hapless bozos and their associates face a maximum sentence of life in prison.

But That Station Across the Bridge Had Gas That Was 10 Cents a Gallon Cheaper

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s Bozo, who violated Bozo Rule Number 4433876: Always begin with a full tank. Cops in Shelby County, Tennessee were called to a report of an SUV stalled out in the middle of a bridge. Upon arrival, they found the Chevy Suburban, out of gas, and blocking the bridge. As they approached, they noticed a very strong smell of raw marijuana. Inside they found 229 pounds of pot and a duffel bag full of money. Busted! The driver has been charged with possession of a controlled substance.

Hey, a Person’s Gotta Work!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Terra Alta, West Virginia, where our Bozo Renee Payne was a passenger in an SUV pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. During questioning, the driver revealed that his bozo passenger had revealed to him that she was in possession of narcotics. A search of her backpack revealed methamphetamine, baggies containing a white substance with the weight of the product written on the bag, and a small scale with our bozo’s name written on it. The suspect remained calm and offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the officer the only reason she was selling meth was because she was unemployed and “cannot find a job.” Sorry that’s not going to fly. Busted and charged with possession with intent to deliver, a felony carrying a maximum prison term of 15 years.

But the Biggie Bag Is Only Back For a Limited Time!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bunnell, Florida, where bozo Jesse Stanger walked into his local Wendy’s and ordered lunch. He asked for the half off discount that is customarily given to law enforcement officers, claiming to be a member of the DEA. When an employee questioned his identity, he said he had been getting the discount there “for two years” and flashed a badge. This caught the attention of a manager who came over to take a look. Our bozo then became hostile and argumentative, prompting an employee to call 911. This should have been our bozo’s cue to leave, but no…He stuck around long enough to show the cops his “Concealed Weapon Permit” badge. Sorry, that doesn’t get you the discount, pal. He’s busted on felony charges of impersonating an officer.

We Know Who WON’T Be the Mother of the Year

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Monroe, Louisiana, where cops were called to a day care facility after staffers found something in a child’s lunch bag that didn’t belong there. And that’s an understatement. Inside the bag instead of a sandwich and banana they found a half gram of meth, half a Xanax bar, and several doses of the sedative Clonazepam. Now don’t worry, the child is fine, but mom is in some hot water. She told the cops she “had been looking for” the drug stash and just couldn’t remember where she had placed it. She’ll have plenty of time to think it over in jail. Cops also found nine grams of meth, digital scales, and ‚Äúnumerous plastic baggies used for distribution”. Busted!

That’s Why You Always Make It Out to “Cash”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. A man had his checkbook stolen from his unlocked vehicle so he went to the bank to close the account. In the process of shutting down the account, a bank employee noticed a recent check for the amount of $1600. The man confirmed that his wife’s signature had been forged on the check so the cops were called. A search began for the person who the check was made out to. After reviewing surveillance video, the cops were able to identify our bozo. Yep, she had made the check out to herself and had returned to the bank to cash it. Busted! Charged with possession of stolen property, forgery and identity theft.