No Doubt That Implanted Device Was In the Covid Vaccine

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmington, Delaware, where bozo Robert Ware walked into a bank and presented the teller with note saying, “This is a robbery. I need $150.” The employee complied with his request and he headed out the front door. Pretty standard robbery so far, but then it got weird. Instead of fleeing, our bozo stopped at the ATM in front of the building and deposited the loot into his account. He then headed on foot to a nearby shopping center where he was promptly arrested. Oh, and then he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops his mind was currently being controlled by a third party via an implant somewhere in his body. Well, OK then. He’s under arrest on a felony robbery account.

The Package Was Wrapped, But That’s Not A Tree It’s Placed Under

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where bozo Patrick Fleming was pulled over at 4 AM for driving without headlights or tail lights. He was placed under arrest for DUI and marijuana possession charges. Strike one. A search of the vehicle turned up a handgun under the seat. And since he had several felony charges against him previously, it was illegal for him to carry a gun. Strike two, felony weapons charges. A search of his person followed and that’s when things really get interesting. They found two plastic baggies, one with cocaine powder and cocaine base, and one with crystal methamphetamine, wrapped around his penis. Strike three. And he further added to his problems by telling the cops that the drugs wrapped around his penis did not belong to him. Well, we don’t think Santa placed it there! Busted! Charged with possession of cocaine, meth, ammunition, and a firearm.

No, A Defensive Driving Class Will Not Get You Out of This One

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marathon, Florida, where an officer noticed our bozo weaving in and out of traffic without using his turn signal. He was pulled over and a K-9 officer alerted to drugs in the vehicle. A quick search found 6.1 ounces of cocaine under the hood and $3000 in cash in the car. Busted! He’s currently being held without bond on a felony charge of cocaine trafficking.

Tis the Season to Make Merry, or Kathy

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seminole, Florida, where the cops were called to a disturbance at the Irish 31 bar. The owner reported that a sink in the restroom had been broken. Some expert detective work quickly revealed the situation. Bozo Kathy Anderson and her friend were found drinking at the bar. After questioning, our bozo admitted that she and her male companion had met in the bathroom for what she termed an “intimate encounter” and during said encounter the sink had been broken off the wall. Oops. We can only assume they thought it was no big deal as they returned to the bar and continued drinking. The cops ended their little celebration. She was charged with criminal mischief and was released from county jail on her own recognizance. Her friend apparently escaped being charged.

He Really, Really Wanted To Be First To See The New West Side Story

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syracuse, New York, where authorities were called to the Landmark Theatre after employees reported hearing a man banging on a wall and yelling for help. Firefighters drilled a hole in the wall of the theatre’s bathroom and used a fiber optic camera to determine our bozo’s exact location. They cut through several layers of drywall and structural clay tile to get to him. They then removed our bozo, who was naked and dehydrated. The man, who reportedly had been in the wall space for two or three days was taken to a local hospital for treatment. Among the questions that are still unanswered, how exactly did he get into the wall? And what happened to his clothes? Updates when we have them.

Look a Little Closer At That Picture, Honey

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in this gem from the International file in Cajeme, Sonora, Mexico. Neighbors called the cops to report a domestic disturbance. When the police arrived, they found our bozo, known only as Leonora R holding a knife that she had used to attack her husband. The husband was not seriously injured and was able to explain to the cops what had transpired. He said his jealous wife had been going through his phone and found a picture of him in a compromising position with a younger woman. She flew into a rage and attacked him with the knife before he could explain. That picture was of him, from several years ago. And the woman…it was none other than our bozo, from, as her husband said, “back when she used to take care of herself.” Yep, she didn’t recognize herself. She faces assault charges.