Note To Officer: Take the Keys

Bozo criminal for today comes from Southfield, Michigan, where a patrol officer spotted a stolen vehicle and attempted to pull it over, only to have our bozo speed away. The cop used a PIT maneuver and forced the car to the side of the road. It was then that our bozo made a maneuver of his own. He jumped out and appeared to flee. However, when the officer gave chase, he U-turned and jumped into the still idling police cruiser and drove away. As you might expect, this didn’t end well. A second officer corralled our bozo and after he physically resisted arrest, he was eventually taken into custody. Charges are pending.

Maybe He Sleep Called an Uber

Bozo criminal for today comes from Monroe, Louisiana, where the cops were called to an apartment complex on a report of a man “pulling on car handles.” Upon arrival, they found our bozo going from car to car, apparently trying to find one that was unlocked. He was finally able to get into a 1994 Chevrolet truck and was immediately confronted by the police. He then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he was “sleepwalking.” He was unable to explain how he had “sleepwalked” the three miles from his residence to the apartment complex. He’s busted! Charged with felony burglary.

Well He’s Way Too Young To Be Mick, For One Thing

Bozo criminal for today comes from Naples, Florida where the cops were called to a report of a rather unusual disturbance…a man claiming to be Mick Jagger. Apparently bozo Eugene Brown, 59, jumped on stage at a restaurant where a live performance was going on and declared himself to be the Rolling Stones lead singer. He became belligerent when the patrons didn’t appreciate his performance and had left by the time the cops arrived. They found him in a nearby park where he charged an officer before falling to the ground in a “drunk unstable state.” He capped off the evening by throwing up in the back of the police car. Busted! Charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, a felony, and disorderly intoxication, a misdemeanor.

Well, the Scream Mask Was Taken

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from Nashville, Tennessee. We can only try to follow our bozo’s thought process here. A. Make plans to break into houses in the neighborhood. B. Many of them have doorbell cameras, so a disguise is important. C. There’s a blue dinosaur suit that I’ve always liked the look of… And that’s about how it went. Our bozo was recorded on doorbell cam lumbering up to the front of the house in a blue dinosaur onesie that he failed to zip up all the way to the top, leaving a clear shot of his face. He’s seen waving at the camera before jiggling the door handle. After finding it locked, he’s seen walking away, his big blue tail wagging behind him. Police hope to make an arrest of Barney’s bad brother soon.

I Told You We Should Have Put It On the Credit Card!

Bozo criminals for today from Auburn, Maine, violated Bozo Rule number 2223231: It’s never a good idea to bring counterfeit money to the police station. It seems our bozos headed down to the Androscoggin County Jail with plans to bail out a friend. When they presented the cash to jail officials it was obvious that it was counterfeit. Oops. This lead to a search of their vehicle, which turned up 112 grams of crack cocaine, 165 grams of cocaine, nearly 300 grams of fentanyl, 492 grams of meth and SCCY 9mm pistol. Double oopsies. Busted! Charged four counts of Aggravated Trafficking Schedule with drugs (Class A) and Violation of Conditional Release (Class E). And their friend? He’s still in jail.

Way Not To Go Brandon!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mankato, Minnesota, where bozo Brandon Carver was pulled over for a traffic violation. After the cops noticed him acting erratically, a search of his person uncovered a baggie of methamphetamine in the pocket of his sweatpants. Thinking quickly, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops the pants he was wearing did not belong to him. Under extensive questioning, he revealed the alleged owner of the pants. A quick investigation determined the pants owner was “only 4 feet, 1 inch tall.” Our bozo is 5’11”. Don’t think so. Busted! Charged with possession of felony narcotics. And it wasn’t his first rodeo either. He’s previously been charged with fraud; burglary; receiving stolen property; disorderly conduct; assault; DWI; theft; narcotics possession; check forgery; domestic assault; and driving with a revoked license.

That Excuse Was a Whopper

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Vero Beach, Florida. Police responding to a report of a suspicious person found bozo Eric Adams on the street “visibly intoxicated on an unknown substance.” When asked to empty his pockets, our bozo pulled out a baggie containing a substance that was identified as fentanyl. He then pulled out another plastic baggie containing hypodermic needles. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops the used the hypodermic needles “for fishing.” OK…After failing to explain exactly how the needles could be used to catch a fish he was arrested on a felony narcotics charge and booked into jail.