Monthly Archives: July 2023

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Paducah, Kentucky. An officer was on routine patrol around 2:50 a.m. when he came upon a parked car with the engine running. And inside, three bozos, apparently asleep. A quick check of the license plate found the car was reported as stolen. When he checked to make sure they were OK, he discovered the driver was obviously under the influence of drugs. And, what’s that in the seat beside you? A bunch of used needles, and five needles believed to contain methamphetamine. And about $1400 worth of stolen merchandise. And, he’s wanted on charges of flight/escape and failure to appear on a weapons offense. Busted! Let’s count up this list of charges: Receiving stolen property, driving under the influence of a controlled substance, driving with a suspended or revoked operator’s license, first-degree possession of a controlled substance (methamphetamine) and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Saginaw, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a personal protection order violation stemming from domestic violence issues. Our 24 year-old bozo fled when the cops arrived, leading them on a chase through the streets of Saginaw. It was what he chose to flee on that merits his presence in the Bozo Report for today. He tried to get away from the cops on a mini-bike. You know the type, basically a bicycle with a lawn mower engine strapped on. Anyway, he could almost have walked faster, as the 15 mph “chase” led the cops through city streets before coming to its expected conclusion. He’s busted! Charged with fleeing from the police, aggravated stalking and parole violation.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Indian Rocks Beach, Florida, where the cops were investigating a fraudulent use of a vacation home.They discovered our bozo had used a false ID to check himself into a 17-night stay at the resort. He was taken into custody and as he was being booked into jail he underwent a routine cavity search. And that’s when things got a whole lot worse. An officer discovered a .22 caliber round of ammunition that was “positioned underneath the suspect’s testicles.” Yep, of all the places to hide a bullet, our bozo had chosen the seemingly safe location just adjacent to the old family jewels. Well, sorry, pal, but that adds another felony charge. You’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Macomb Township, Michigan, where police were on a routine patrol through an apartment complex when they came upon some definite bozo activity. Officers observed a Mercedes SUV in the parking lot with headlights and interior lights on. One bozo remained inside the vehicle while bozo number two appeared to be frantically searching for something on the ground. Further investigation revealed that a large amount of pills had been spilled on the pavement and our bozo was trying to scoop them up. A check of said bozo’s backpack found $2000 in cash wrapped in a rubber band and Xanax, Adderall and other opiates. Oh, and did we mention there was additionally a large amount of cash in the driver’s side door and a white powdery substance on the seat? Busted! Charged with possession with intent to distribute.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mankato, Minnesota, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a restaurant. Upon arrival, the officers found our distraught victim who was suffering from a “stinging pain” in her back as the result of an assault. So perhaps she had been hit with an object, maybe a baseball bat? Nope. Maybe someone had battered her with his fist? No way. She was hit with barrage of Skittles? Yep. She told the cops a man with a tattoo on his face had entered the restaurant and “began throwing Skittles at employees and customers.” Apparently she was the only person injured in the attack. Using the description she gave they were able to track down our Skittles perp and place him under arrest, charged with assault and possession of marijuana and LSD. No reason for the attack was given.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Las Cruces, New Mexico. Cops were called to a report of a suspicious man in a park next to the Moongate Church. Upon arrival, the cops found our bozo placing some items into his backpack. He then offered up a series of Bozo Excuses to explain his presence at the church at midnight. First, he said he was there to use the church’s electricity to charge his laptop. And what about those items he was placing into his backpack? His reply, “They’re not drugs. It’s gunpowder.” And what’s that pipe, with wires attached, and, isn’t that a battery? Looks like the parts to a pipe bomb. His answer: Those items were just “randomly” placed into his backpack. And those syringes? “Well they’re not heroin, they’re methamphetamine. No further questions. He’s busted!