Um, Sir, Perhaps You Would Consider These Loose Fitting Jeans

No real criminal activity in today’s report from the International File in Stoke-on-Trent but we couldn’t let this one go by without mention. Since he’s no bozo, we’ll simply call him “our hero” and he was shopping at a men’s wear store. He was checking out with about $500 worth of merchandise when the store manager gave him a once over. The manager noticed what he thought was a suspicious bulge in our hero’s pants. The man replied that it was just “the way he was made.” The manager’s suspicious questioning continued until our hero finally dropped his pants right there in the store and showed everyone that he indeed had nothing to hide. Case closed.

47 Beers Was OK. It Was Number 48 That Did Him In

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in South Otago, New Zealand. It seems bozo Karl Lansford had borrowed a Subaru from a friend six months ago and hadn’t returned it. Unfortunately, the rightful owner of the car showed up to retrieve it just as our bozo was returning home from a big night of drinking. Big, as in 48 beers. Not surprisingly, drunk bozo was in no mood to negotiate the return of the car. Before the owner could drive away, our bozo grabbed an axe from the garage and did extensive damage to the vehicle. And for good measure, he also took the axe to an innocent Nissan which had the misfortune of being parked nearby. The cops were called and our bozo was sentenced to 12 months’ supervision, 150 hours’ community work and ordered to pay $1500 for the damage he caused with the axe.

Look Out For That…Bozo!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael McPherson for sending in today’s report from Jackson, Mississippi. It seems Bozo A stole a vehicle from a gas station around 4 am. Police were looking for Bozo A when the got a call of an accident involving two vehicles at 5:23 am. It seems Bozo B, also in a stolen vehicle, crashed into Bozo A, disabling Bozo A’s vehicle. Bozo B fled only to crash his vehicle again a few blocks away. Final score: Two wrecked stolen vehicles, two shaken up bozos considering taking driver education classes.

If She’d Only Worn the Shirt She Stole…

Bozo criminal for today from Okaloosa Island, Florida, violated Bozo Rule Number 211201: When making your getaway, it’s a good idea to make yourself as inconspicuous as possible. About 7 pm a worker at Surfside Outfitters called in a report of a shoplifter. When the cops arrived, the woman had fled on a bicycle. Dead end, right? Well, not exactly. Within a few minutes, reports of a topless woman on a bicycle began to come in. The cops quickly tracked Lady Godiva down and when an officer told her to pull over, she shouted back, “Make me!”. A bicycle isn’t going to outrun a police cruiser. The officer pulled ahead and then blocked her path. A quick check of her bag turned up the stolen flip flops and t-shirt. Busted! Charged with theft and resisting arrest.

Let’s See…How To Transport These Quarters…Anybody Got a Baby Carriage?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bakersfield, California, where police officers noticed a woman struggling to push her baby stroller. Seeking to help, the officers approached the woman and discovered there was no baby inside the carriage. Instead, they found $6000 worth of quarters that she had allegedly taken in a burglary. No wonder she was struggling. Busted! She’s been charged with suspicion of burglary, possession of stolen property, possession of burglary tools, possession of methamphetamine, resisting arrest and two outstanding misdemeanor warrants.

Just a Hunka Hunka Burning Love

Our story for today from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club file comes from Lincoln, Nebraska, where our 19-year-old bozo had just gone through a painful breakup with her boyfriend. Wanting to put the whole thing behind her, she took all her old love letters, placed them in a pile on the floor and burned them with a butane torch. Nothing wrong with that, right? Wrong. She left the burned remnants there and went into the bedroom to take a nap. As is often the case with smoldering embers, they re-ignited and caught the carpet on fire. Firefighters responded quickly and extinguished the blaze. No one was injured but an estimated $4000 in damage was done to the building. Or love sick Juliet was charged with negligent burning.

And I Would Have Gotten Away, Too, If Not For That Person On the Motorized Cart!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bayonne, New Jersey. Bozo Sheila Sanders loaded her Walmart shopping cart with $235 worth of merchandise and headed out the door without paying. She loaded her stuff into her vehicle, but, wouldn’t you know it, her exit was blocked by someone moving very slowly in a motorized shopping cart. In her haste to get away, she bumped the person on the motorized cart and a heated argument ensued. Unfortunately for our bozo, a police officer was in the parking lot at the same time and saw the whole thing. And to add insult to injury, she ran head-on into the police cruiser as she attempted to flee. Busted!

Who Knew They Even Still Made Disposable Cameras

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Pierce for sending in this one from Portland, Oregon, where the cops received a report of a 1995 Jeep being stolen. The vehicle turned up a few days later, only a couple of miles from where it was stolen. Maybe our bozos made a quick exit from the vehicle, as the engine was running, the windshield wipers on and the heater was running. The police returned the vehicle to its owners who remembered something they had left in the glove box. A disposable camera. And when the pictures on the camera were developed…yep, our bozos had taken a few selfies of themselves with it. Using the photographic evidence, cops hope to make an arrest soon.

He Was Probably Heading To the Premiere of the Movie “It”

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Nashua, New Hampshire, where the cops received a report of a man driving down a freeway without his headlights on. The officers attempted to pull our bozo over, but he instead sped up and led the cops on a high speed chase. It was at this time that the police noticed something unusual about the vehicle. It was full of balloons. Absolutely jam-packed with balloons, with barely enough room for the driver. And did we point out that this occurred at 3:30 am? Anyway, the chase continued until our bozo reached his residence, where he pulled into the driveway and immediately crashed into the garage. He was placed under arrest. The balloons are being held in protective custody.

You Can’t Fight City Hall

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Worcester, England, where our bozo shall remain unidentified to spare him further embarrassment. It seems back in 2016 he was clocked doing 35 in a 30 MPH zone. He was so sure he was going no more that 30 that he decided to fight the ticket, hiring a group of experts to defend him. Four trips to Magistrates Court and three years later the verdict is in: Guilty as charged. The final tally…he spent $36,982 of his son’s inheritance fighting a ticket that would have cost him $120 initially. Yeah, but it was the principal of the thing!

Drop the Doritos and Back Away From the Counter

Bozo criminal for today comes from Duluth, Georgia, where bozo Pamela Ellis wanted a snack. She was a little low on funds, so she decided to hit up a friend. No, she didn’t ask the friend for snack money. Instead, she asked the friend, who was a police officer, to let her borrow her badge and gun so she could get some free snacks at the convenience store. Bad idea. A Gwinnett County police officer was in the store at the same time and saw our bozo acting suspicious. His body cam footage show him asking her, “Are you a police officer, or are you not a police officer?” The answer was “No.” Busted! And her friend? Suspended.

Well, At Least It Wasn’t a Picture of His Butt

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Toronto, Canada, where bozo Gary Lucas broke into an office building and rummaged around for a while before raiding the refrigerator and making himself a snack. So, what to do next? Well, it might be fun to make a photocopy of your face. And that’s exactly what he did. But instead of taking it home and framing it, he left it behind. Cops investigating the break-in found the copy and posted it, asking for help from the public in identifying our bozo. It worked. He was ID’ed and arrested, charged with breaking and entering and violation of probation.

Wrong State, Pal

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sharonville, Ohio, where our bozo had a little run-in with the cops, which resulted in 4 grams of marijuana being confiscated. And, according to our bozo, this wasn’t just any pot, this was “prestige weed.” At least that’s what he called it when he called the police department demanding that they return it. He went on to state that he “knew his rights” and that it was now legal to possess marijuana for recreational use in Ohio. The cop on the other end of the line calmly told him that he was mistaken, but our bozo persisted, even going so far as to spell his full name out for the officer. Somewhere along the way, he may have realized his error, as he also identified his wife as “Marilyn Manson.” The whole conversation was recorded and posted on the police department website, along with an explanation of marijuana laws.

Well, That Trick Always Works For Possums

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Fort Kent, Maine. Here’s the scenario: You’re a bozo who is behind on your rent, you have no money to pay and you know the landlord is coming over to collect. What to do? Call friends for a quick loan? Nope. Get a job and hope the landlord will give you more time? No way. Play dead and hope he’ll just go away? Yeah, that’s the ticket. When the landlord arrived, he found our bozo stretched out on the floor, unresponsive. However, instead of forgiving the rent payment, he called the cops. When the police arrived, our bozo made a miraculous recovery, awake and alert and talking to officers. He talked enough that the cops were able to discover that he was wanted on an outstanding warrant. Busted! He’s sleeping it off in the county jail.

I Knew I Should Have Taken an Uber!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kennewick, Washington, where the cops received a call from a man who reported that his pickup had been stolen. He said he left the keys in his 1992 Chevy and observed a man ride up on a bicycle, throw the bike in the back of the truck and drive off. The cops noticed surveillance cameras in the parking lot and, after taking a look, saw a lot more than our bozo had bargained for. The truck was indeed stolen, but footage also showed the reason our bozo was in the parking lot in the first place. He was burglarizing a business across the street. Oops. No word on the whereabouts of the truck but our bozo has been arrested and charged with burglary.

Next Time Try Cantaloupes, They’re Lighter

Our bozo for today from Rocky Mount, North Carolina forgot two important things: 1. Watermelons are heavy. 2. Fields are often muddy. Cops were called to a report of a suspicious person in a field just off Highway 97. When they arrived, they found our bozo, with a pickup truck loaded to the top of the bed with watermelons he had stolen from the field. His getaway was thwarted when the overloaded truck literally sunk up to the axles in mud. Police placed him under arrest on a misdemeanor larceny charge. No word on the fate of the watermelons.