But I Just Really, Really Hate Spiders

Our frightfully scary story for today comes from Logan, West Virginia, where secretaries at the Logan County prosecutor’s office decorated the place for Halloween, including a big display of plastic spiders. What they didn’t realize was that one of the assistant prosecutors had a deathly fear of spiders. When the prosecutor came in, he did what any bozo would do, He pulled a pistol and threatened to blow those creepy critters away. He probably should have reached for the Raid instead. Fortunately, the gun was not loaded and no one was injured. Police say the incident is still under investigation. Happy Halloween!

This Turned Out Badly For Robert Durst, Too

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where the cops stopped bozo Anthony Lopez for speeding and weaving from lane to lane. After noting he had slurred speech and alcohol on his breath, he was loaded into a police cruiser and taken downtown. While on the trip, our bozo began talking to himself. To their amazement, he began discussing with himself about how he had to get out of the car and return home to get rid of the drugs he had there. Thanks for the tip. After getting a search warrant, the cops found drugs and a sawed off shotgun at the residence.

And, No, That Card Won’t Get You Out

Bozo criminal for today comes from Branson, Missouri, where organizers had put together a big Monopoly Tournament. Things took a bad turn when Bozo John Long was asked to refrain from taking part in this year’s tournament after he allegedly engaged in unsportsmanlike conduct during the previous year’s match. Our bozo didn’t take this well, to say the least. He started throwing punches at other participants and the whole thing quickly deteriorated into a full fledged brawl. Cops were called and, not surprisingly, he had to go directly to jail.

Just Glad He Wasn’t Named Killer

No real criminal activity to report today but this story was just too good to pass up. From North Webster, Indiana, comes the story of a woman who is recovering after being shot in the foot. By her dog. Let us explain. It seems Ann Cain laid her shotgun on the ground during a hunt without first turning the safety on. Then, her chocolate Labrrador retriever accidently stepped on the weapon, causing it to discharge and hitting Ann in the foot. Fortunately the injuries were not serious and she was treated at the hospital and released. And the reason this story was worthy of inclusion in the Bozo Report? The dog’s name was, appropriately enough, Trigger.

The Police Are As Near As Your Phone

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Karen McGillvray for sending in today’s report from Idaho Falls, Idaho, where we have one of the most epic butt dial fails ever. It seems bozo Lawan Simpson was was discussing a drug deal with two other people, saying he would sell them some pot at a nearby hotel where he was staying. All of this would have gone unnoticed except for one thing. Somehow, as the discussion was in progress, our bozo managed to butt dial 911. The cops overheard the whole thing and were able to triangulate the call and arrived at the scene while the deal was still going down. A search warrant for the hotel room turned up marijuana and other drugs. He’s busted!

But I Just Wanted To Use the Phone

Bozo criminal for today comes from Metropolis, Illinois, where bozo Joshua Ross broke into the local Dollar General store and took a few stereo items before fleeing. The alarm was tripped and the cops arrived within minutes. While they were reviewing the video footage of the crime, the officers received a call from the Chief of Police. The Chief told the officers there was a suspicious looking character on his front porch asking to use the phone. The cops described the man seen in the footage and, yep, out of all the doors in town, our bozo had chose the police chief’s to knock on. Guess he didn’t notice the “Back the Blue” decorations on the front porch. As he was being led away, our bozo was heard to say, “I knew I should have run.”

A Sweet Crime

Bozo criminal for today comes from Alpena, Michigan, where the cops were called to a residence on a report of a burglary. The homeowner said she heard a racket in her kitchen, where she found our bozo. It seems several things had been broken and a big tray of cupcakes had been overturned, but by the time the cops arrived our bozo was nowhere to be seen. She was able to give a description of the suspect, but it turned out not to be needed as our bozo was hard to miss. The police report described her as “highly intoxicated” with “cupcake frosting and cake all over her torso and legs.” Betty Crocker was arrested and taken to jail.

Go Ahead, Make My Day

Bozo criminal for today comes from El Reno, Oklahoma, where bozo Jorge Vasquez was pulled over by the cops for weaving and swerving. Our bozo told the cops he was helping move his girlfriend to Georgia and was tired and sleepy. They cops advised him to pull over and take a nap. Then, out of nowhere, our bozo told the cops he wasn’t a criminal and they could search his truck if they wanted to. The cops decided it might be a good idea to take him up on his offer. First, they found a loaded .380 caliber pistol on the front seat. Then, they noticed the manifold of the truck didn’t look exactly right. Inside a very sophisticated hidden compartment they found eight kilos of heroin, about $3 million worth. He should have just taken that nap. He’s busted!

It Was Probably His Mommy Telling Him It Was Time For Dinner

Another example today of a bozo foiled by modern technology, even though it was in a roundabout way. It seems bozo Perry Brunson was attempting to cash a forged check at his local bank when he received a text message on his phone. We’re not not sure what the message was, but it was important enough that our bozo quickly walked out of the bank. Only problem, he left behind the check AND his ID. Oops. He’s busted!

Guess He Hung On To Them Just In Case

Bozo criminal for today comes from Des Moines, Iowa, where bozo Luis Rodriguez was discharged from the local hospital and didn’t want to walk home. So, he did what any bozo would do. He took a taxi. Except we mean he literally “took” a taxi. He drove off in one that he found unattended with the keys in the ignition. Working on information obtained from the hospital, the cops were able to track down our bozo. In his pocket, they found the keys to the cab. He’s busted! Charged with second degree theft.

A Real Ding-a-Ling

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Troy House for sending in today’s report from the International File in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Our bozo made a series of mistakes which led to his arrest. Number one, he did not have a bell on his bicycle, a legal requirement. When the police stopped him, he gave a false name, which led to him being arrested for obstruction of justice. Mistake two. As they were taking him into custody, a knife fell from his pants, mistake three. This led to a search of his backpack, which revealed a sawed-off shotgun, drugs and traffciking paraphernalia. Mistake four. He’s not under arrest, facing charges related to weapons, trafficking, obstruction and breaching conditions. Oh yeah, he also faces charges for not having that bell.

Well, It’s the Last Place I’d Look…

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon, where bozo Elizabeth Mason wanted to help her daughter who was in jail on identity theft charges. Her daughter had received permission to get a dental problem taken care of and her mother arrived at the clinic ahead of her. In a scene reminiscent of the Godfather, mom taped something to the back of the toilet in the dental office. Only it wasn’t a gun. Instead mom taped a tampon filled with oxycodone to the pot. But apparently she didn’t use very good tape as the tampon had fallen to the floor and was found by the cops before bozo daughter could get to it. But mom still didn’t give up. Officers overheard a phone conversation in which mom said she would try again on daughter’s second trip to the dentist. The cops were waiting for her this time. She’s joined daughter in jail.

Well, the Car Was a Land “Rover”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sarasota, Florida, where the cops attempted to pull over a vehicle after they spotted it speeding through a neighborhood. When the car stopped, bozo Relford Green fled on foot. Using a K-9 unit, the cops tracked him to a nearby church, where he was hiding in the bathroom. It was when they began questioning him about his driving that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told police that he was a passenger in the car. He further stated that, in fact, his dog was driving. No dog was found at the scene. He’s been charged with DWI, aggravated fleeing, property damage and obstructing an officer.

Maybe He Just Ate Too Many Cookies

Bozo criminal for today comes from Youngstown, Ohio, where the cops received an unusual phone call. Bozo Troy Hanks called the cops to complain that he had gotten too high from smoking marijuana. When the police arrived, they found our bozo curled up in a fetal position on the floor, surrounded by snacks that included Doritos, Goldfish crackers and Chips Ahoy cookies. They also found a glass jar full of marijuana. The cops apparently took pity on him as he has not yet been charged with a crime.

But I Said “Whoa”, Officer

Bozo criminals for today come from Mesquite, Texas, home of a well known rodeo. Cops were called to a report of a disturbance there but by the time the officers arrived, the participants had fled. On horseback, of course. As you might expect, the sight of two men fleeing on horseback is an unusual sight, even in Texas. The officers caught up to our bozos and turned on their red and blue lights. One bozo pulled his horse over. The other fled at full gallop. While the horse might have been quick, he wasn’t quick enough to avoid the cops. He was quickly caught and both bozos are under arrest.

Next Time Try Uber

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where cops found a stolen Infiniti parked on the street. Inside they found court documents for Bozo Eugene Boyd related to a June auto theft arrest. Yep, apparently he had stolen a car to go to court to pick up his documents about a previous car theft and then had ditched the car with the papers still inside. So, the cops called our and bozo and requested that he come to police headquarters to pick up the documents. He did. In a Hyundai Sonata that he had also stolen. He’s being held without bond.

“Not Even a Kiss, Officer!”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartanburg, South Carolina, where the cops answered a 911 call at a residence. Upon arrival, they found 53-year-old bozo Patrick Carter standing outside drinking an alcoholic beverage. He didn’t appear to be in any danger but was definitely upset. When the cops inquired further, he gave them the Bozo 911 Excuse of the Week. He said he called them because his girlfriend would not give him any “ass.” Yep, he called the cops because she wasn’t in the mood for love. He’s een charged with misusing 911.

No, This Is Not a Member of the Blue Man Group

Bozo criminal for today from Eugene, Oregon was on the run from the cops who wanted her on two outstanding arrest warrants. When the police approached her, she took off running, through her yard, over a fence and onto the property of the Eugene Swim and Tennis Club. At that point she seemed to vanish into thin air. After searching for about 20 minutes, one of the cops decided to check the most unlikely of locations. A port-a-potty. He opened the door. Nothing. He then lifted the lid. Jackpot. Hiding inside he found our bozo. She was pulled out, hosed off and arrested.

And I Have To Have Dinner on the Table For My Husband, Too!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in St. Joseph, Ontario, Canada, where the cops pulled over bozo Sharon Williams for doing 150 km/h in a 80 km/h zone. When asked what the hurry was, she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said she was hurrying home to try to see the beautiful sunset. OK. Except for one thing. It was 8:20 in the morning. Hmmm….She’s been charged with speeding.

It’s Not My Pot. In Fact, It’s Not Even My Car!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Livermore Falls, Maine, where Douglas Gray was pulled over by officers responding to a report of a disturbance. Taking a look inside the car, the cops spotted a baggie of what appeared to be marijuana. It was then that Douglas offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that the marijuana couldn’t be his. The reason? He’d just stolen the car. Further investigation found him to be telling the truth. He’s busted!