Bozo criminals for today come from Allen Park, Michigan, which, like much of the country, has been experiencing hot temperatures. A couple of bozos went shopping at the local big box store and loaded three air conditioners into their cart. They then headed for the self checkout, where the man grabbed a Reece’s, scanned it and paid for it. They then exited the store without paying for the AC units, which they loaded into their car, making what would seem to be a clean getaway. Except for one small detail. The woman left her purse at the self checkout area. Oops. Inside the purse…her ID and a crack pipe. Busted! Charged with theft and possession of drug paraphernalia.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. Police responded to numerous 911 calls reporting a half naked woman walking in the middle of the road about 25 miles from Philadelphia. Sure enough, the reports were correct. Bozo Gloria Hayes, 35, was found walking beside the road naked from the waist down. The cops quickly took her into custody and it was then that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the police that snakes had eaten her pants. Well, that’s a new one. She’s busted! Charged with indecent exposure, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure.
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where two neighbors were involved in a dispute over a chicken. It seems that the chicken had been strolling over to poop on the neighbor’s patio. After asking the neighbor politely to control his chicken, the owner of the befouled patio decided to retaliate. She collected a large bucket of her own urine and doused the bird’s owner with it. This crappy version of an eye for an eye didn’t sit well with the man and he called the cops. After noting that he was wet and smelled of urine, the police arrested our pee thrower, charged with misdemeanor battery. No word on how long she had been storing up the pee for the attack.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Adams for sending in today’s report from Osage Beach, Missouri. Cops were called to a report of a break-in at a residence. They arrived to find that the homeowner had things well in hand. Our bozo was sitting on the porch, covered in blood, with the homeowner pointing a gun at him. However, before he was collared, he broke numerous chairs, windows, 2 TV’s, several tables and a few lamps, resulting in around $25,000 in damage in total. So, what would cause someone to break into a home and do such damage? Well, get ready for the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he wanted to “play a real life video game.” Cops say alcohol and drugs may have also been involved. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Volusia County, Florida, where the cops received a report of a stolen Jet Ski. A bit of investigation led them to our bozo, who was found floating on what seemed to be a dead Jet Ski. He explained to the cops that he had been unable to get it started and it had stayed on board as it floated down the river. And why didn’t he simply jump off when he couldn’t get it going? He doesn’t know how to swim. Yep, only a Bozo who couldn’t swim would try to steal a Jet Ski. The cops tossed him a rope and pulled him on board their boat before charging him with grand theft and trespassing.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Tampa, Florida. Cops were called to a report of a collision between an SUV and a FedEx truck. The police checked out the occupants of the SUV and found a man and a woman, both naked. It didn’t take long to put together what had happened. Apparently the woman was performing a sexual act on the man, who was driving and lost control, crashing into the FedEx truck. Charges are pending. In the meantime the man has been hospitalized with what was described as “injuries to the groin.” Ouch!
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a prowler at the Red Mesa Cantina. When they arrived at 2:15 AM, they found our bozo relaxing inside a fenced area near the outdoor bar “With his pants open and his genitals exposed.” He was ready with the Bozo Excuse of the Week, explaining that he was “doing a chant and cleansing himself spiritually.” His next cleansing will come when he’s hosed down at the jail He’s charged with loitering and prowling. Add that to his priors for trespassing, obstructing police and possession of an open container of alcohol.